Class of August 2013 - Part 13
Much better today. Thanks, guys.
The "Venecia stops isolating" campaign continues. Went out to dinner (healthy food!) tonight with a good friend. The coming weekend brings Mary Poppins duty with my cousin's 6-month-old baby so she and her husband can do pre-move work on the new home they just purchased in Mpls, followed by time with my closest friend from home. Her mother died just a few weeks after my father, right before I got on a plane to head to my conference in Oregon. Looking forward to both.
You sound good, Orn. Hope the recovery continues to proceed nicely.
V.
The "Venecia stops isolating" campaign continues. Went out to dinner (healthy food!) tonight with a good friend. The coming weekend brings Mary Poppins duty with my cousin's 6-month-old baby so she and her husband can do pre-move work on the new home they just purchased in Mpls, followed by time with my closest friend from home. Her mother died just a few weeks after my father, right before I got on a plane to head to my conference in Oregon. Looking forward to both.
You sound good, Orn. Hope the recovery continues to proceed nicely.
V.
We also had some other relationship issues and at some point I realized that most of our happy relaxed times together had been when we were BOTH drinking. Trying to get sober alone, under those conditions, just exacerbated all my stress.
Haven't been able to check in this week. I had a stressful work week. Last night I went out with my husband. Overdid it...I think you are right. Trying to moderate doesn't really work. I have a lot of work to do to get a handle in this.
rah555, I think you intended to post in the August 2014 thread, but welcome. I've cut and pasted something I posted earlier today in another thread as it fits.
I spent 2 months on these forums last summer reading posts while drunk.
I was astounded as each day another group of people declared it was Day 1 and they quit drinking. It was like sitting in the back of an airplane watching people putting on parachutes and jumping out of the plane. After 2 months of watching and lurking, I grabbed a few people's hands and jumped.
That was just over one year ago and our little group is still somewhat intact. We've formed a circle and we're all laughing as the air rushes by us at 150 mph.
I spent 2 months on these forums last summer reading posts while drunk.
I was astounded as each day another group of people declared it was Day 1 and they quit drinking. It was like sitting in the back of an airplane watching people putting on parachutes and jumping out of the plane. After 2 months of watching and lurking, I grabbed a few people's hands and jumped.
That was just over one year ago and our little group is still somewhat intact. We've formed a circle and we're all laughing as the air rushes by us at 150 mph.
I was just thinking about why I run and if racing fits into that this morning. Normally, Saturday morning is my long run but this post-operative shoe doesn't come off for another 10 days and the surgeon said it could be another 6-8 weeks before my surgical wound is completely healed, so I had time to think about it this morning.
I do not run to race. Running has become my meditation and the one thing that allows me to feel good about myself when nothing else does. I've lost 60 pounds and 6 inches off my waist this past year and at 6'3" and 165 pounds, I look like a runner, albeit a slow one.
I've only done two races so far, both 5k distance, but I have enjoyed them and even placed in my age bracket in one race and still hope to complete my first 10k in November if my surgeon allows. This upcoming 10k has over 20,000 registered entrants which is bigger than Boston. I'm only doing it so I can experience running across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. I drive across it all the time but would love to run across it once.
My employer is the title sponsor of a large marathon and I toy with doing their half marathon next year but I'm still undecided. I don't want to increase my mileage and risk an injury that would keep me from running every day.
I really prefer to run alone, early in the morning, in the dark, without a bib. It has become my comfort blanket. Most days I don't even bother to wear a watch, it's the journey not the destination.
I run twice a week, maybe three times depending upon my pool schedule. Today I ran, which prompted my invitation. I take my two dogs, both 9 yo rescues with me. The squeals as I pull into the parking lot connecting the trail system is adorable and I can tell orgasmic for them.
I have run trails for the past few years, after training for Boston 2009 only to be stuck in Europe due to the volcano and missed my Boston window. I was active then, although not severe in my addictions. I raced by my watch and to beat the person next to me. Conqueor the enemy, yet the enemy was me at that time, I just had not realized it yet.
Today, I run with minimal shoes and clothing in the woods (shorts of course :-) But I feel liberated and sometimes I will have a red tailed hawk follow me or see an owl looking down. I no longer run with music instead using this time to meditate and to focus on my path, which changes daily.
Today I clocked sub 20min for my little 3.5mile run. I felt lighter than I have in a while. I floated and absorbed the full effect of the endorphins. I get the desire to qualify alone - I may do it legit or maybe not. I like raising money for cancer and supporting Dana Farber though. To me its extra incentive to run on behalf of those who can't. I love this about triathlons and the donation and charity aspect. It also creates a creat training community, where you an develop some friendships as many are going from couch to marathon in a season.
I found that injuries were my biggest issue when my daily mileage ticked up in the 16-20miles per run. This is when I switched to minimalist shoes and Chi Running style. Its no longer a fad but its how I run.
Orn - I understand your motives and desires but the invitation for a run the next imd you are in my town is open and I welcome a brisk AM run. I would prefer a train but might be willing for a coastal jaunt. I hope your foot heals soon.
I have run trails for the past few years, after training for Boston 2009 only to be stuck in Europe due to the volcano and missed my Boston window. I was active then, although not severe in my addictions. I raced by my watch and to beat the person next to me. Conqueor the enemy, yet the enemy was me at that time, I just had not realized it yet.
Today, I run with minimal shoes and clothing in the woods (shorts of course :-) But I feel liberated and sometimes I will have a red tailed hawk follow me or see an owl looking down. I no longer run with music instead using this time to meditate and to focus on my path, which changes daily.
Today I clocked sub 20min for my little 3.5mile run. I felt lighter than I have in a while. I floated and absorbed the full effect of the endorphins. I get the desire to qualify alone - I may do it legit or maybe not. I like raising money for cancer and supporting Dana Farber though. To me its extra incentive to run on behalf of those who can't. I love this about triathlons and the donation and charity aspect. It also creates a creat training community, where you an develop some friendships as many are going from couch to marathon in a season.
I found that injuries were my biggest issue when my daily mileage ticked up in the 16-20miles per run. This is when I switched to minimalist shoes and Chi Running style. Its no longer a fad but its how I run.
Orn - I understand your motives and desires but the invitation for a run the next imd you are in my town is open and I welcome a brisk AM run. I would prefer a train but might be willing for a coastal jaunt. I hope your foot heals soon.
Orn, I don't run anymore (my joints) but I used to be quite a runner for many years. Now I just run a couple miles sometimes. I mostly walk. I celebrated my 60th birthday by running 10 miles. I used to run a couple half marathons a year. Never seemed to be able to break that 20 mile barrier. I loved racing. The energy of the whole thing is so much fun. It adds a whole new dimension to what really was for me a solitary sport. It made me feel great joy which is something I treasure in my life now. I heartily recommend trying a few races. You'll love it! I especially loved trail races. The mud and dirt, being out in nature.....just so fun! All the people are so excited you have to remember not to spring out of the starting gate too fast! The thing is you don't have to win. I never even came close to winning but I was never last and just finishing was my win. I hope your foot is as good as new very soon. I'm sure it will be if you give it time to heal. Your body is going to have the last word here.
The thing is with running sometimes you have an injury or illness. Let it heal. And then just start again. You won't be at your former level but you will be at some level. Just start there and don't worry or look back. Just start again where you are. Soon you'll be right back to where you were and then even better. I know this from experience. You're going to be ok. Take it from me.
The thing is with running sometimes you have an injury or illness. Let it heal. And then just start again. You won't be at your former level but you will be at some level. Just start there and don't worry or look back. Just start again where you are. Soon you'll be right back to where you were and then even better. I know this from experience. You're going to be ok. Take it from me.
I loved to trail run. For years my 5-8 miles runs brought me joy and kept the demons at bay. I trained for a couple of marathons but also would invariably encounter injuries when my long runs pushed past 15 miles. Giving up the running, due to injuries, was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
JD, I have also discovered minimal shoes in recent years and realize now that most of my knee injuries ironically were probably a result of stress from the heavy cushioning and raised heel design that was so essential then. All I wear now are flat, minimal shoes and it feels so much more natural.
Orn, take joy in it and run how ever you want. I'm very competitive by nature but have recently been consciously trying to let go of it, as I don't think it's healthy when the number becomes more important than the experience. Injuries and age also have a way of putting things into perspective - I'm happy just to hike or bike in nature now, although I still run a mile now and then for the joy of it.
JD, I have also discovered minimal shoes in recent years and realize now that most of my knee injuries ironically were probably a result of stress from the heavy cushioning and raised heel design that was so essential then. All I wear now are flat, minimal shoes and it feels so much more natural.
Orn, take joy in it and run how ever you want. I'm very competitive by nature but have recently been consciously trying to let go of it, as I don't think it's healthy when the number becomes more important than the experience. Injuries and age also have a way of putting things into perspective - I'm happy just to hike or bike in nature now, although I still run a mile now and then for the joy of it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Hi guys and gals, my loud Italian friend from the north end was up this weekend. Lots of laughs. She has been someone I have confined in along the way, so I take great pleasure in her company.
Orn, glad to hear you are coming along well..keep thinking of running!
Orn, glad to hear you are coming along well..keep thinking of running!
Orn, hang in there. I'll be rooting for you to run across the Chesapeake Bridge. We will, of course, expect you to stop (quickly) for a photo to share with us.
Oceanlady, your Italian friend from the North End sounds like a real hoot. I'm glad to know you've got a confidante.
Dinner tonight with a couple friends/former colleagues. One has been without a job for nearly a year, yet another reminder of the things for which I must be grateful.
Anyone else watching Ken Burns' "The Roosevelts" on PBS? Fascinating. Eleanor always has amazed me. Her father died of alcoholism.
May we all have a peaceful, sober and healthy week. SheKnits hasn't checked in for a while ... how 'bout an update, friend?
Oceanlady, your Italian friend from the North End sounds like a real hoot. I'm glad to know you've got a confidante.
Dinner tonight with a couple friends/former colleagues. One has been without a job for nearly a year, yet another reminder of the things for which I must be grateful.
Anyone else watching Ken Burns' "The Roosevelts" on PBS? Fascinating. Eleanor always has amazed me. Her father died of alcoholism.
May we all have a peaceful, sober and healthy week. SheKnits hasn't checked in for a while ... how 'bout an update, friend?
Here is today's photo. Met with the surgeon this afternoon and she said stitches can come out in 7 days but it will take another 6-8 weeks to heal. Race is in 8 weeks. Not sure when I can start running again. Blah.
Wow! That must have been one heck of a sliver. I imagine you've parted ways with flip-flops.
Your loyal classmates will rally 'round you until you're dashing off again on two feet, Orn. It will go by quickly, really.
Your loyal classmates will rally 'round you until you're dashing off again on two feet, Orn. It will go by quickly, really.
Orn - I bet you will run your race. May have a bloody sock but I bet you will be fine.
So class, I did my first 5th step over the past three days. It was humbling to say the least. And then when I was done I end up taking my will back and disregarding my own program by taking a bazooka to my mom.
In short my father had an issue with my children a week ago. My mom stepped in and told my wife she was a bad mother. I stuck up for my wife and thought we made some progress Saturday night. My mom and dad are both active addicts.
Anyhow, the hypocrisy and selective memory of my mother got to me. When we spoke it was everyones fault but her. I know I need to accept and love her but it boiled the anger. She asked me about some specific examples and I felt I needed to provide specific examples of abuse - physical and mental. It felt like a drug. I enjoyed the hurt I was causing. I could feel the high. And just like a high I felt the guilt and remorse afterwards and now need to make an amends. I feel like I have kicked an injured dog. She is broken and insane and I just beat her up and should be the more well person and I was not.
Then of course my dad began to belittle my program, suggesting I just go pray, "isn't that how your little program is supposed to work." Well, reloaded the bazooka and pivoted to the new target and click - pulled the trigger both targets down.
So class, I did my first 5th step over the past three days. It was humbling to say the least. And then when I was done I end up taking my will back and disregarding my own program by taking a bazooka to my mom.
In short my father had an issue with my children a week ago. My mom stepped in and told my wife she was a bad mother. I stuck up for my wife and thought we made some progress Saturday night. My mom and dad are both active addicts.
Anyhow, the hypocrisy and selective memory of my mother got to me. When we spoke it was everyones fault but her. I know I need to accept and love her but it boiled the anger. She asked me about some specific examples and I felt I needed to provide specific examples of abuse - physical and mental. It felt like a drug. I enjoyed the hurt I was causing. I could feel the high. And just like a high I felt the guilt and remorse afterwards and now need to make an amends. I feel like I have kicked an injured dog. She is broken and insane and I just beat her up and should be the more well person and I was not.
Then of course my dad began to belittle my program, suggesting I just go pray, "isn't that how your little program is supposed to work." Well, reloaded the bazooka and pivoted to the new target and click - pulled the trigger both targets down.
Wow JD, that is some anger you've got going there. I'm sitting here thinking about it and trying to put my feelings about you into words. I understand your feelings and I feel really bad for you. I know the guilt you are feeling but I am also feeling the hurt of the little boy who wasn't protected by the ones who were supposed to be watching over him. My mom is gone now (she was my only parent) but I remember the awful battles we got into over her alcoholism and her failure to take care of me. To my everlasting shame I even slapped her once. And I was 30 years old.
This kind of mind blowing stuff happens in families like ours. My only advice to you is to remember how far you have come. Take responsibility for what is yours. Make your amends and try not to let something like this happen again. As for your father......I have 2 words. One starts with F
I'd like to commend you for sticking up for your wife. Your allegiance should go to her if you want to keep your marriage intact. Having experienced having both my mother-in-law and my husband turn their guns on me at the same time was a deal breaker. Your wife has made some bad choices but she is your wife and will ALWAYS be your children's mother. You and she and your two babies are your primary unit. Congratulations on being able to be the man of your own house.
One of the things I've learned is that life keeps coming at you and you have to keep doing what you know is the best thing for your own sobriety. I learned that the hard way, I'm afraid. I'm still learning it. Probably always will be. Saying NO is so hard for me.
I hope things work out for you, JD. This, too, will pass. You don't have to take responsibility for all of it. Only your own part. I'll be thinking of you today.
This kind of mind blowing stuff happens in families like ours. My only advice to you is to remember how far you have come. Take responsibility for what is yours. Make your amends and try not to let something like this happen again. As for your father......I have 2 words. One starts with F
I'd like to commend you for sticking up for your wife. Your allegiance should go to her if you want to keep your marriage intact. Having experienced having both my mother-in-law and my husband turn their guns on me at the same time was a deal breaker. Your wife has made some bad choices but she is your wife and will ALWAYS be your children's mother. You and she and your two babies are your primary unit. Congratulations on being able to be the man of your own house.
One of the things I've learned is that life keeps coming at you and you have to keep doing what you know is the best thing for your own sobriety. I learned that the hard way, I'm afraid. I'm still learning it. Probably always will be. Saying NO is so hard for me.
I hope things work out for you, JD. This, too, will pass. You don't have to take responsibility for all of it. Only your own part. I'll be thinking of you today.
Thanks Else...it actually surprised me as I did not have this depth of resentments during my 4th/5th step. However, I don't think its coincidence that I have this deeply spiritual experience of bringing my first sponsee through his 5th step and then I have this. Like building the sand castle and tearing it down but the difference is I feel I am growing through this pain.
I believe distance and time is what is needed. My father is quite a bit worse. He is masterminding much of this drama. I see myself in him actually. I see my wife in some of my mother too. Its in these reflections that some of the anger, which is outwardly directed but driven by angst over who I am if that ames sense.
I am much better today. I have also accepted that my decisions have real consequences and went through some issues with life insurance and disclosure of alcohol use. Turns out my provider is dropping me. I am really okay with this and believe my HP is at work here...I never really did much diligence and I feel I am with the wrong company. So it will cost me some more money but I will be honest about my addictions and that I am recovered. I am in the best shape and health so the fees should not be too onerous. I believe I cannot live in the grey with respect to being honest and true to myself when convenient...I just don't think it works this way and in the grand scheme I can afford the extra costs.
I believe distance and time is what is needed. My father is quite a bit worse. He is masterminding much of this drama. I see myself in him actually. I see my wife in some of my mother too. Its in these reflections that some of the anger, which is outwardly directed but driven by angst over who I am if that ames sense.
I am much better today. I have also accepted that my decisions have real consequences and went through some issues with life insurance and disclosure of alcohol use. Turns out my provider is dropping me. I am really okay with this and believe my HP is at work here...I never really did much diligence and I feel I am with the wrong company. So it will cost me some more money but I will be honest about my addictions and that I am recovered. I am in the best shape and health so the fees should not be too onerous. I believe I cannot live in the grey with respect to being honest and true to myself when convenient...I just don't think it works this way and in the grand scheme I can afford the extra costs.
You're right. I believe we've all found that just doesn't work. Regardless of the short term costs of total honesty, the long term benefits are priceless.
Had a wonderful epiphany in the shower after my swim this AM. Its something you said Else. I believe the angst I am feeling is the pain of finally growing up. While I have many material things, I have always felt like a boy trapped in a man's body. I am becoming the man of my household and letting go of the strings that held me to that boy.
I stopped growing many many years ago when I used addictions to cope. Emotionally this was my escape mechanism to survive. Now as I learn new skills I am allowing myself the ability to grow again.
This song comes to mind: Harry Chapin Cats in the Cradle (Soundstage) - YouTube
I stopped growing many many years ago when I used addictions to cope. Emotionally this was my escape mechanism to survive. Now as I learn new skills I am allowing myself the ability to grow again.
This song comes to mind: Harry Chapin Cats in the Cradle (Soundstage) - YouTube
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