One Year and Over Club Part 18
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Originally Posted by tootsl1 
Can all y'all recall those days "hey I've managed a month, I knew I wasn't an alkie! Psh!! I can drink in moderation, high days and holidays, the occasional evening, perhaps Sunday brunch, ooh, it's the anniversary of what would have been Ghandis birthday, I really ought to make a small toast to that,now where's my corkscrew..."
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
DG. Even with how hard it was for me to get sober and stay that way I "know" one part of me would go back to it in a heartbeat. I have no illusions as to how that would end up, maybe it would take a few weeks- but I would end up back where I was and worse. I only have a few more cards to play. Acceptance for me revolves around accepting this dichotomy and still being able to live and commit to sobriety. By being sober I am not "missing out" - cultivating gratitude has really helped me maintain perspective
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,707
34 months for me. Someone else reminded me. I really do have to remember to have gratitude. I go through phases of recovery of being involved and grateful and being resentful. It's getting tougher here, it feels like. My boss said last night "Friday night is beer night" and it really gave me pause. I actually took a long few moments thinking about that, how "incredible" it ouwld have been to go to a bar and have a few cold ones. A few cold ones! But my brain is so good at following through now, I of course went straight to the thought of yeah, but I would be wasted in short order, and then, in a few days, or a week, I would be drinking alone in my room, hiding bottles, hiding from the world, killing myself slowly.
I just, yeah, can't even go there. And what dee says about not being sure he could close the door again, is so true. It's terrifying to me that I would never be able to quit again, never have the strength to. To look back in 20 years and remember that time that I quit drinking for 34 months.
I just, yeah, can't even go there. And what dee says about not being sure he could close the door again, is so true. It's terrifying to me that I would never be able to quit again, never have the strength to. To look back in 20 years and remember that time that I quit drinking for 34 months.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Thanks Dee,
I am grateful I was able to flip my switch. If no cravings, just relief at finally getting free is different, then I am grateful for that too.
IP, DG, FG, Instant, Toots Drake, RZ, and all of you terrific folks here, I'm glad for your company.
I am grateful I was able to flip my switch. If no cravings, just relief at finally getting free is different, then I am grateful for that too.
IP, DG, FG, Instant, Toots Drake, RZ, and all of you terrific folks here, I'm glad for your company.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
DG, I was referring more to the milestone being an opportunity for AV to yodel loudly rather than actually giving in to it at that point, although, truly a lot of folk do for that very reason.
I do know of people who have stopped drinking completely for a few years and then been able to drink just a few beers or glasses of wine socially. I am never sure ( not being able to get inside their heads) whether the fact is they were alcohol a users rather than alcoholics, or whether they have an extreme form of self control, but the fact is there are far, far fewer people like that than there are alcoholics who like to think they could moderate if they drink again and who fail dismally with all that entails.
I wouldn't conceive of telling you what you can or can't should or shouldn't conceive of doing, all I know is I daren't.
I do know of people who have stopped drinking completely for a few years and then been able to drink just a few beers or glasses of wine socially. I am never sure ( not being able to get inside their heads) whether the fact is they were alcohol a users rather than alcoholics, or whether they have an extreme form of self control, but the fact is there are far, far fewer people like that than there are alcoholics who like to think they could moderate if they drink again and who fail dismally with all that entails.
I wouldn't conceive of telling you what you can or can't should or shouldn't conceive of doing, all I know is I daren't.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
I will for anyone Toots, but I also have to acknowledge that no other was any help in my final firm decision to beat this addiction and from planning to go into a hospital to detox, even before I actually did it, was a firm, secure, and final decision that no good can ever come from my taking a drink, only pain, illness and despair, all avoidable, all only in my control, sober.
No one drove me to drink. No other ever had the capacity to cause me anything more than a moment's grief. I've never really lost because just making the effort at whatever brings me joy. My life was troubled only by the infinite possibilities, my only frustration was what to try next and do for at least a couple of years until I mastered it. I built/restored several hundred cars, motorcycles and ATVs for a decade or three because I wanted cars I could not afford new, likea paid for 911 Targa so I restored one, (new-top, interior, tires, imron paint five coats and color sanded.) I've started several businesses and built up one giant for another, as I has already been self employed, and never want to work for that SOB of a boss again!
I have no bad medical, emotional, or physical condition that caused me to self medicate, except for my need to drink just enough on waking the last year or two just to stop shaking, and feel well enough to go get more to cause me to be ill with morning withdrawals the next day and need to drink just enough to go get more, but I got smart and bought a week's worth at a time, and then got my wife to pick up on her way home from work as she didn't drink to tipsy until after work and never during the day. She is an admitted alcoholic who finally got it through her head that I was no longer buzzed when she acted out in the evenings like a five year old, and that there are boundaries or I am out of here. Between my being sober and her shouldering her own responsibility I can't even complain there. She still smoked but only outside, or under the vent hood. Her scotch and carton of smokes are 15 feet from me in two kitchen cabinets. I honestly don't even see them any more than I "see" her makeup on the sink where it registers. No avoidance. Just like her makeup, no interest or personal need to know for use. I don't ask her to quit either because I would allow no one to dare criticize my drinking as they could leave (I drank at home or up the block at a friends, never wasted the price of a case of 24 beers buying three or at most at a bar for a case) I also never drank and drove effectively confining myself to my little five acres but that kept me busy.
I drank as a self indulgent buzz state because it never occurred to me I could ever get hooked on it. That was for drunks and I honestly detested being drunk, out of control. I never dreamed that my tolerance would, over about five years increase to the point that I would still drink two drinks an hour which a guy like me could metabolize, which from noon to midnight was 24 beers. Then when I had to drink thee shots of scotch in each of my first two cups of coffee in the morning, that made it two an hour from 8 am to midnight plus my first 9 shots in coffee for a grand total of 45 or so units of alcohol daily. Evenings I'd switch to box wine and scotch to be able to keep drinking but watered down to drop down to my gentle buzz again.
I really just disliked being what I called slurry or stumbly. But despite appearing sober to others while openly drinking in front of them, I never drove because I might hurt me or damage one of my vehicles! I didn't care about hurting others because I took care of number one! I never could figure folks who risked death to drink. Or pass laws to make areas "dry" especially herein the South. We have a bible thumping right wing fundamentalist percentage down here that lived/live in dry counties/parishes, then drive to another wet area to drink and had to drive drunk! Their wives kept their secret, and since most of the men drank and hid their misdeeds then showed up on Sunday's mouthing their condemnation of those who drank and frequented dens of evil. Now most of the blue laws are gone thank goodness. This local Shreveport area was a nasty place with b drinking, prostitution, police corruption, and unspeakable acts and attitudes towards anybody they could all agree to feel superior to because they were scared of them. They could never trust anybody who had no secrets to conceal, and drank, dated, and associated with anyone that I liked.
Yeah, if I'd grown up here, perhaps between catching friends and relatives between the wrong sheets, and others wearing them, all three sheets to the wind, maybe I could blame the sociopaths by proxy. Or id I'd been abused as a child. Or been held back by my brains or lack thereof.
But I never had those happen to me, and learned from watching others. I define evil simply. It is deriving pleasure from harming another in word or deed. Lots of folks are just evil. I don't have to let them into my sphere of influence. Imperfect and as clumsy as I can be I don't hold others to the standards I hold myself. To each, their own. I just don't associate with evil folks. I fight them in the ballot box, and in small conversations. But it is not my job to educate the world. But here, we all are recovering bozos on this bus, and can share a giggle watching the antics of the sober ones and the yet to be, just long enough to really enjoy the rest of our day with plain folk who haven't been around evil enough to recognize it when it is slapping them in the face.
So I can't blame an inanimate chemical, my brain, others, or my life situations. See, I always accepted what I could not change, and kicked axe on what I could. There is a reason gluttony is considered one of the seven deadly sins. I was just an alcohol glutton that thought I could control it. Then the increasing tolerance put my body under the train. I can control what my arm lifts, and my lips pass. Alcohol is officially off the table for me. I see no lovely scenes with it in my future. Only the prison of my soul, the sundering of my drawn quarters, slowly as I take another turn of the winch, in return for just another drink.
That was not hubris. Just explaining that I just slid stupidly into addiction from self indulgence, and now have another stain on the T-Shirt of my life. Plenty of stains from the years and tears. More from the icing on the cake. And plenty of room for more. Y'all can dream of drinking again as if we haven't drunk our fill. I've moved on past it.
No time to consider, even just catching up.
No one drove me to drink. No other ever had the capacity to cause me anything more than a moment's grief. I've never really lost because just making the effort at whatever brings me joy. My life was troubled only by the infinite possibilities, my only frustration was what to try next and do for at least a couple of years until I mastered it. I built/restored several hundred cars, motorcycles and ATVs for a decade or three because I wanted cars I could not afford new, likea paid for 911 Targa so I restored one, (new-top, interior, tires, imron paint five coats and color sanded.) I've started several businesses and built up one giant for another, as I has already been self employed, and never want to work for that SOB of a boss again!
I have no bad medical, emotional, or physical condition that caused me to self medicate, except for my need to drink just enough on waking the last year or two just to stop shaking, and feel well enough to go get more to cause me to be ill with morning withdrawals the next day and need to drink just enough to go get more, but I got smart and bought a week's worth at a time, and then got my wife to pick up on her way home from work as she didn't drink to tipsy until after work and never during the day. She is an admitted alcoholic who finally got it through her head that I was no longer buzzed when she acted out in the evenings like a five year old, and that there are boundaries or I am out of here. Between my being sober and her shouldering her own responsibility I can't even complain there. She still smoked but only outside, or under the vent hood. Her scotch and carton of smokes are 15 feet from me in two kitchen cabinets. I honestly don't even see them any more than I "see" her makeup on the sink where it registers. No avoidance. Just like her makeup, no interest or personal need to know for use. I don't ask her to quit either because I would allow no one to dare criticize my drinking as they could leave (I drank at home or up the block at a friends, never wasted the price of a case of 24 beers buying three or at most at a bar for a case) I also never drank and drove effectively confining myself to my little five acres but that kept me busy.
I drank as a self indulgent buzz state because it never occurred to me I could ever get hooked on it. That was for drunks and I honestly detested being drunk, out of control. I never dreamed that my tolerance would, over about five years increase to the point that I would still drink two drinks an hour which a guy like me could metabolize, which from noon to midnight was 24 beers. Then when I had to drink thee shots of scotch in each of my first two cups of coffee in the morning, that made it two an hour from 8 am to midnight plus my first 9 shots in coffee for a grand total of 45 or so units of alcohol daily. Evenings I'd switch to box wine and scotch to be able to keep drinking but watered down to drop down to my gentle buzz again.
I really just disliked being what I called slurry or stumbly. But despite appearing sober to others while openly drinking in front of them, I never drove because I might hurt me or damage one of my vehicles! I didn't care about hurting others because I took care of number one! I never could figure folks who risked death to drink. Or pass laws to make areas "dry" especially herein the South. We have a bible thumping right wing fundamentalist percentage down here that lived/live in dry counties/parishes, then drive to another wet area to drink and had to drive drunk! Their wives kept their secret, and since most of the men drank and hid their misdeeds then showed up on Sunday's mouthing their condemnation of those who drank and frequented dens of evil. Now most of the blue laws are gone thank goodness. This local Shreveport area was a nasty place with b drinking, prostitution, police corruption, and unspeakable acts and attitudes towards anybody they could all agree to feel superior to because they were scared of them. They could never trust anybody who had no secrets to conceal, and drank, dated, and associated with anyone that I liked.
Yeah, if I'd grown up here, perhaps between catching friends and relatives between the wrong sheets, and others wearing them, all three sheets to the wind, maybe I could blame the sociopaths by proxy. Or id I'd been abused as a child. Or been held back by my brains or lack thereof.
But I never had those happen to me, and learned from watching others. I define evil simply. It is deriving pleasure from harming another in word or deed. Lots of folks are just evil. I don't have to let them into my sphere of influence. Imperfect and as clumsy as I can be I don't hold others to the standards I hold myself. To each, their own. I just don't associate with evil folks. I fight them in the ballot box, and in small conversations. But it is not my job to educate the world. But here, we all are recovering bozos on this bus, and can share a giggle watching the antics of the sober ones and the yet to be, just long enough to really enjoy the rest of our day with plain folk who haven't been around evil enough to recognize it when it is slapping them in the face.
So I can't blame an inanimate chemical, my brain, others, or my life situations. See, I always accepted what I could not change, and kicked axe on what I could. There is a reason gluttony is considered one of the seven deadly sins. I was just an alcohol glutton that thought I could control it. Then the increasing tolerance put my body under the train. I can control what my arm lifts, and my lips pass. Alcohol is officially off the table for me. I see no lovely scenes with it in my future. Only the prison of my soul, the sundering of my drawn quarters, slowly as I take another turn of the winch, in return for just another drink.
That was not hubris. Just explaining that I just slid stupidly into addiction from self indulgence, and now have another stain on the T-Shirt of my life. Plenty of stains from the years and tears. More from the icing on the cake. And plenty of room for more. Y'all can dream of drinking again as if we haven't drunk our fill. I've moved on past it.
No time to consider, even just catching up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
Toots - thanks for asking... no real update, she is still in hospital and still hasn't opened her eyes... I can't remember if I said here that the tumour is definitely cancerous and her chances of overall survival are only 30% even is she reawakens... however, the fact she is still alive is fairly miraculous in itself, so the prayers are definitely working....
How are you doing? How is everyone doing? I'm back to work tomorrow after a relaxing week off so I'm hoping I can wake up with the alarm without too much effort lol.
How are you doing? How is everyone doing? I'm back to work tomorrow after a relaxing week off so I'm hoping I can wake up with the alarm without too much effort lol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,707
Thinking about your neice FG....
I got an apartment! A really beautiful studio on the top floor of an old building in a quiet neighbourhood just outside the city. It has big windows and overlooks trees and rooftops, and it has space to paint, and that's what I'm going to devote myself to for the next year: painting, painting, painting. This is my year to let out the artist inside me who's been hiding all this time. I can't wait!
I can't really afford it, either, but, I don't care. I'm gonna make it work.
My anxiety issues are still there. I really don't know what I can do about it aside from intense therapy or pills. For now, I'm just going to do my best.
I got an apartment! A really beautiful studio on the top floor of an old building in a quiet neighbourhood just outside the city. It has big windows and overlooks trees and rooftops, and it has space to paint, and that's what I'm going to devote myself to for the next year: painting, painting, painting. This is my year to let out the artist inside me who's been hiding all this time. I can't wait!
I can't really afford it, either, but, I don't care. I'm gonna make it work.
My anxiety issues are still there. I really don't know what I can do about it aside from intense therapy or pills. For now, I'm just going to do my best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
Well I do have a proper update now... apparently she has opened and closed her eyes several times over the last few hours which is just amazing!! She is not 'awake' but this is still fantastic progress 
I knew there was a reason I wasn't asleep yet even though I have to be at work in less than 6 hours
I knew there was a reason I wasn't asleep yet even though I have to be at work in less than 6 hours
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
IP- Glad to hear you got a nice apartment. Painting sounds like fun.
FG- I hope the little one continues to improve.
I spent all of the last 2 days in a training class, so I am looking forward to a day at home to catch up on chores and whatnot. Plus it's time to cram in some drum practice as I have a lesson today and haven't practiced all week.
FG- I hope the little one continues to improve.
I spent all of the last 2 days in a training class, so I am looking forward to a day at home to catch up on chores and whatnot. Plus it's time to cram in some drum practice as I have a lesson today and haven't practiced all week.
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