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Class of May 2012 part 9

Old 08-12-2012, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
How much are you prepared to do to turn things around?D
Everything! Going to bed for two hours, then off to an AA spiritual meeting in the morning. Heck, what can those damned people have to offer that is less than what I've got?

I'm so sick of this stuff, I'd follow a two-bit guru down a three-bit trail at this point....

I want this misery to end. Same old tricks, same old misery; time to try some new ones.

My how the sun can seem reproachful when it's up before you've gone to bed
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:27 AM
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That sounds more like you Deserto
Take care of yourself and treat yourself gently today mate

D
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:43 AM
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Hey, everyone.
It seems that many of us are struggling. I know for me that something happened around 90 days. Call it complacency, call it bored with sobriety or not feeling as good as I wanted, but it just all added up.
So I am considering this as my day 1 again but I am not mad about it. Before I would have thought of my 100+ days as completely gone, but I only screwed up for three days. I can jump right back on and have.
Deserto--Hang with me, we can do this together. I will not be fooled again by the way I felt at 90 days and boy it was STRONG.
Thanks for support everyone. I know I can do this and I also know the LAST thing I need to do is beat myself up about it.
Lee
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
You're supposed to post BEFORE you drink the vodka not after!
D'oh!

Alright, 115 minutes of sleep, then off to AA.

Wish you all could be here in my backyard, sipping a cup of coffee, seeing the hummingbirds stir awake and the sunlight resplendent against the sandstone cliffs.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Deserto View Post
D'oh!

Alright, 115 minutes of sleep, then off to AA.

Wish you all could be here in my backyard, sipping a cup of coffee, seeing the hummingbirds stir awake and the sunlight resplendent against the sandstone cliffs.
I'd have that coffee with you for sure. There is NOTHING resplendent about my part of Florida! =)

Hang in there. We are in this together.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:38 AM
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Wow! It has been an eventful day/night! Lee, good for you for coming back and joining us on the sober wagon!

Tania -- it's great to have you back!

Deserto, hang in there, buddy...I know it's darn hard.

Jeni...you know why you want to drink. Blotting out the thoughts sounds like heaven but that's a cruel illusion.

(((hugs))) and much love to everyone!

AFM, I had a good day yesterday and slept well last night. I did relaxing things like working on a jigsaw puzzle, reading, and snuggling with my kitty. I cocooned. Now it's time to get back to real life.

Dee, that post on PAWS is totally awesome!

I'd like to remind all of you and myself when the going gets tough: we aren't doing this hard work just to reach a milestone of days. We are doing it to make our lives so much better and healthier. Many of you are much younger than I am. That doesn't give me a leg up or make me immune to the siren call of substance abuse. However, I'm old enough to have had and in some cases still have some very serious medical conditions. Any one of them could kill me at any time. And yet here I am, still struggling. That's an example of the huge hold alcohol (and tobacco, etc) have on us.

The very best single thing we can do for ourselves is to stop feeding our addictions.

Edited to add: there is only today and only this moment and I don't want to waste it in a drunken stupor!
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:52 AM
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Thanks Saskia. Glad you had a lovely relaxing day yesterday xxx
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:32 AM
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Ouch, head hurts. Why's this alarm going off? Feeling ashamed and like I let my boaters down hard. F*** it. Off to this stupid meeting.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Deserto View Post
Ouch, head hurts. Why's this alarm going off? Feeling ashamed and like I let my boaters down hard. F*** it. Off to this stupid meeting.
No shame, Deserto! Hope the meeting helps. We are all here for you just as you are here for us. (((hugs))) from old g-ma who still doesn't always get it right!
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:45 AM
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No shame. Glad you're still with us. Post later and let us know how you're doing xxx
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:52 AM
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Deserto marches out door with boots and hat on. And don't worry, Jeni -- pants and shirt too

And tears at edge of eyes. I gots to beats this.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Deserto View Post
Deserto marches out door with boots and hat on. And don't worry, Jeni -- pants and shirt too

And tears at edge of eyes. I gots to beats this.
You will do this, Deserto! Especially if you wear pants and shirt, too. Lol
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:58 AM
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Lots of tears here too today. You just make sure you take care cowboy xxx
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
How is it that I can feel I am gaining in strength and spirit every day, then with the very next breath, want to stop fighting?
I'm already planning how to broach the subject with H. He has stood by me. I have no idea how he will react when I tell him I want to drink.
I am just tired of the emotion.
Jeni, be very, very careful with this one. I actually did this. I was out to diner with my partner. Was feeling kinda blah and like 3 months should be good enough for me to moderate. I asked him if he thout I could start having a drink when we go out to dinner. I did this knowing he really has no clue what that would mean one month down the line. I had my phone with me and read a post from FP and Kitty(who had recently slipped and regretted it) and then told him I was just using him as a scapegoat to get out of my promise I made to myself and my friends on SR. Yesterday we were going over to a friends house and before we left, he said "you can have a drink if you want to". Thank goodness I was feeling stronger, because I said "I would just blame you later and take no responsibility when I start drinking too much again". He said "that's F'ed up", me"yeah it is, that's why it's not a good idea".

Be very very careful planting the seed of moderation with your husband. Thank goodness mine sprouted when I was strong. But it could have easily been otherwise.
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Deserto View Post
And tears at edge of eyes. I gots to beats this.
You will beat his my friend. I can understand what you are feeling. My last day of drinking I was ready to give up on life itself. I have not had that feeling since I stopped. I think 3 months is a long enough time for me to really forget how I felt and think maybe I can drink again. I certainly have not worked all the kinks out of this sober thing. But I have not felt like that since I stopped. Remember it does get better Deserto. Everyone told us that, and it was true. It got better. It will get better again. We need you my friend. Stay strong and stopped. The first couple of days were the hardest... Post more often here with us in the may group and in the newcomers forum. Being ready to do anything to gain back your sobriety is the right frame of mind, AA sounds like a good plan today.
You will beat this, We will beat this as a group!
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:29 AM
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Thankyou HRB. Neither of us can moderate. He fought against quitting when I first tried in March. It wasn't a good time for us. When I relapsed in May, it was the most emotionally gruelling night of our marriage.
He then quit with me, but I feel I probably gave him very little alternative. Things have been great since we both got sober and I would be a fool to go back.
I guess I always figured he did it for me and would love an excuse to start up again. But he really stood firm today. I was ready to slip big time, but he just wouldn't do it. I love him to bits, but today I hated him for being strong.
It was a close call, and I think I would have purposefully picked a fight so I gave myself an excuse to drink which I'm actually now really ashamed about.
I think I felt Deserto's pain too, and the combination of that and H cheerfully ignoring all my childish sulking and carrying on regardless, meant the cravings subsided.
I'm still tired and not at my best, but for today the crisis is over.
I guess I may need to think about doing something differently cos I'm very lucky to have survived today. When I slip, I drink myself unconscious and I don't honestly know if I could make my way back from that again.
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:43 AM
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[QUOTE=seahorse207;3529766]

What discourages me is hearing people in AA who have 10 years and over, that went out and drank(even tho there are plenty of ones that didnt) and thinking oh it is a matter of time, better go out now while I dont have a lot of time, and thinking oh whats the point of getting a lot of "time" only to drink again, bla bla bla..

QUOTE]

This really bothered me about AA too. Even the people that had been there for decades talked about how at times they were barely hanging on, and if they didn't work the steps every day they would relapse, yada yada.

It all seemed so terribly tiring and not really worth it if it would still be a struggle in a decade. I even asked about this on one of the boards here, and the best response I got was the fact that the people that had been sober for decades and not struggling so much were probably not attending so many meetings. So I was just hearing from the ones who really needed the meetings to stay sober. Even decades later.

I'll be honest though, I haven't been back to a meeting since.
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:50 AM
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I understand that about AA too. I love the meetings and they are important to me because I need the company of other alcoholics.
But yeah, it feels like hard work to me and I seem to be stuck on step 3 which is the acceptance bit. I can't accept some things and therefore can't move on. I am trying!
Anyway, I think I'm generally stuck on some deep rooted issues, and I can't deal very well with emotion at all. It all seems a bit gloomy.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:11 AM
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Hey everyone,

Dee, thanks for the words of wisdom, you are very right that I need to be working on my recovery on a daily basis. I did'nt go to a meeting last night or read any recovery material, I guess my saving grace was posting on here about my urge to drink!

I'm going to be going to a meeting a day for the next week and try to get rid of this ''stinkin thinkin'' and get back on the sobriety beam.

Uninvited, One of the quandries or however you spell it of AA is..''one day at a time'
(like you could take it two days at a time) , yet we have anniversaries and chips to mark off our days in sobriety...
The thing is, if I don't go to AA I would be so isolated. I don't work right now, and all the people I know just about are in AA. Some meetings I actually look forward to going to..and some are really really boring. I dont go back to the boring ones, where the same people go on and on, blah da blah blah blah,...I like the meetings where it is more light hearted and if you lol they dont look at you like you just sprouted a tail and two devils horns.

Tonight I am going to one where we read from the book "Living Sober" which is a practical down to earth guide about um errr yeah..living sober.

The rest of the day is going to be spent cleaning and then watching a movie on puter with new speakers. I watched "Winters Bone" last night which I thought was very good.

Also I am going to find a recipe to use my leftover potato chips in, maybe fish or something...tho i am tempted to get some more dip...tee hee

So everyone have a nice Sunday, and try not to drink, no matter what..I'll probably check in later tonight..thank you all for your kind words..this is the bestest class ever!
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:11 AM
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Sorry to hear about all the 90 day struggles with our May class. Don't let a few days of relapse ruin everything! You made it for 90 or so days, you can do it again!

Day 82 here. My parents are coming to visit for a week starting next weekend. It's a solid reminder of my alcoholic sneaking ways. As a reminder, I was a nighttime drinker. I could go all day without a drink, but come around 6pm I had to be slamming down the beers. When they came to visit, I couldn't really do that. But I could pretend to be tired and go up to "bed" at around 10pm. I had stashed a weeks worth of beer up in my closet, and had a cooler up there too. So I would drink about 10 beers between 10pm and 1am, and then wake up and do it again the next day.

It was always really tricky trying to sneak ice from the fridge up to the cooler the next day. Making sure all of the empties were properly hidden away. I was always in a real hurry to rush them out of town again too.

It will be pleasant to have them here without all that sneaking around, pretending to go to bed early, or wanting them to hurry up and leave town. They will, unknowningly, be around to celebrate my 90 days!

PS. So I probably wont be posting on here that week, but I'm likely fine. They don't drink.
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