Codependency And Beyond - Part 9

[grateful2b]

Part 8 can be found at:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-8-a-20.html (Codependency And Beyond Part 8)

Annie, I am sorry that happened...his behavior was not professional and hopefully he will apologize...He took something that should have been resolved between the two of you and made it public in front of your students....unacceptable..

You could email him. Do you feel that would be a waste of time? If so, I think I would bring the vice-principle in on this because of the way he disrespected you in front of the student population...I don't think he should be let of the hook on that.. as it may happen again...

What do you need to do for you in this situation?

[least]

I agree. I was unprofessional and totally uncalled for.

I'm proud of myself again for not giving in to dk's request that I rent her a movie. I said NO and stuck to it. She hung up on me so that means she got the message!

[CoDieNOmore]

The reading today really hit home for me. Lets make a Deal... In my last relationship I felt... If I was only sexier.. If I only desired the same things he did.. If only_____... He would love me more. I did not realize I was doing it when I was in the middle of my insanity. His addiction has nothing to do with me. I even took his very issue and tried to manipulate him with it. Not only did I hurt myself but him as well. I truly added fuel to the addiction fire.
I want to share what I heard in a meeting last night. The topic was on relationships.
One woman said that she does not have to show up to every fight she is invited to.
WOW!!! What a pearl that was for me.

[grateful2b]

You know, Annie, that was very aggressive of him...that sort of thing would intimate me and make me shut down a little emotionally in similiar situations with people, because that is how my brother was all the time....he was a bit of a bully
don't feel bad...that part of his intent, I think..

*****


"One woman said, she doesn't have to show up to every fight she is invited to"
I love this...thanks, Kendra

[BigDreams1]

Thanks Grateful and Least (proud of you for sticking up for yourself with your daughter!)

I had a talk with the vice principal...and he was very understanding. He explained to me that the coach does things like this with him too when he is in high stress situations...that it was about him and not me...but that it is still not acceptable.

That was all I really needed...to have someone understand how insignificant he made me feel. Grateful...you asked what I needed...that's it.

I am happy that I can feel like I don't need retribution now...and I told the VP not to talk with him about it. That I would let it go and.....wait for it...stay in my hula hoop. He kind of looked at me weird...but it made me smile.

Thanks so much. It is really freeing to know I can rush in here during break and get wise advice when I feel codie at school.

(((Hugs)))
Annie

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by BigDreams1

I had a talk with the vice principal...and he was very understanding.
That was all I really needed...to have someone understand how insignificant he made me feel. Grateful...you asked what I needed...that's it.

oh Annie, thats wonderful!

[liveweyerd]

BD, I am going to keep my big mouth shut....because I dunno.

Least WOOT WOOT ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna, really I only had one-half of a really bad day. I had just read My Sister's Keeper the day before for the first time also. David thought that was a contributor. I don't think so. Jodi Picoult had been on my list for a long time because of you but I was always backed up with my other reading and just recently got a library card. I so loved the book, I am awed really at her writing ability, talent, style...everything, so very human...everyone in the book was as real as neighbors! And I am still laughing at the girls slipping in apple juice as a urine sample and re-filtering it. That is so real, so funny.

i have been dealing with deathes for a long time...several and more than a few suicides and tragedies. It is something that I have been living with every day and in truth, I am more comfortable with the issue of death than my counselor is!

I was terrified at my arrogance and audacity that I would teach someone to read when trained professionals had not been able to....THAT reminds me of my son. That got entangled in my head rather badly. That FEAR of FAILURE.
However our lesson today went very, very well and I am feeling really good about it.
He and I click and we can relate well and feel comfortable and joke around and still do the work. And he is an amazing guy and has much to teach and share with me also.
We are both in counseling at the same center. And we will be friends, we are equals...there is no division of me teacher, him pupil...he is an adult and it is his program and I am just the facilitator.

I was also terrified that David would abandon me. I got to feeling very insecure about him and that.
We were able to establish that I was projecting stuff from previous relationships..and it is as I mentioned right around the one year mark that Danny and I split up and he didn't do it in a civil way if you ask me. In fact, I think he was very cowardly about it.

Folks, I didn't mean to be cruel regarding that guy in my Eric story. But really, he agreed to the plans, he really should have let me know that he didn't want to do that...or at least spoke to me about it after rather than have a meltdown to my kids. Clearly, there has been some fashion of religious abuse in his past for him to react that way. The story was really about Eric and our family understandings....Eric's insight and humor...it was about Eric and me. I cannot describe the looks on a face and expressions, but honestly it was high comedy for him and he shared that with me. And just because he is gone now, doesn't mean that wasn't side-splittingly funny for us. And it still is.

Grateful, no girls (LADIES!) are not angry. So ingrained in me. It just now occured to me...how did that get so thoroughly inculcated in me, when my mother was often angry at us. Well, the rule was that women were second class citizens, we don't get angry at men, we serve them. Further, up until now all but one man in my life, would out-anger me if I showed any anger.

Wow, I have been fighting fear for years and it is still so strong in me! It doesn't show on the outside if you meet me in person.

I have a different counselor now and this time I said I want regular weekly appmts, so I have an appmt tomorrow. We have alot to discuss. I am on the manic side now....very hyper, not sleeping, talking a mile a minute when usually I don't have much use for chatter.
Went to the AC/DC show last night...what fun! very funny!.....now, those guys are MANIC! LOL And the crowd cheers them and they are rich and famous. I laughed to myself at Angus at what he would have been like in grade school. Whew! ROFLMAO
But is was 6am before I could even go lay down to sleep and then had this assignment to be ready for at 1pm. It is physical as well, as I now have my jaw popping in and out of joint. I wish I would at least harness it somehow and get a bunch of housework done. That is a re-occuring issue for me that I am working on with the counselor.

But, anyway......my meltdown was a PTSD thing, I can see clearly. There were so many factors converge, that it was over-determined.

Angry at loved ones and death. Oh man, I was so ANGRY at Eric for a very long time and it was a very early stage for me.....In my head it sounded like this: Eric MURDERED my son! You KILLED my son! Look, in a way I hated him for it. And then what incredible guilt I had with feelings like that! I am way more accepting of "what IS" now...and it is too bad that I can't talk about him like I would like to. Others get SO uncomfortable, they literally squirm. No one can even mention his name around his dad yet.
But my sis and I have been able to chat about it a bit. She was a rock for me throughout this. I had other feelings that I have read are normal in the kind of situation that this occured in AND I still am not comfortable naming those and admitting to them.
I will adress that later, maybe. Is it appropriate?

Am going to go do a soak and bubble bath...the spoil me spa thing, hopefully that will calm me down some.

[liveweyerd]

CodieNoMore,

You know that is how I got to thinking the other evening when I got insecure about David. I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, sexy enough any more. Not an addiction issue...but my own "being enough" issue.
My medications have put 50 pounds on me and I turned 50 this year. The pounds are something I am just not handling well at all, but the counselors and etc keep blowing me off about this issue.
The way I look now does not fit the self image I have of myself.
It is like one of those carnival mirrors....YUK!

[Impurrfect]

((Least)) - I think you are doing great with your daughter!

((Annie)) I'm glad you were able to get what you needed regarding the rude bully coach.

I got my hair trimmed up, went by the store and got another box of kleenex and some green tea with mint. Maybe that will help me breathe for a little bit. Going to see my dr. in the morning, then back to work tomorrow afternoon. Staying home sick is not an option...car payment is due next week.

I am struggling, again, with not panicking about money and getting another job...sigh. I'm hoping that when I feel physically better, I will also feel mentally better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

(((Tena))) wonderful share
I really understand the mania
about the appropriateness of naming names. I am not clear about what you want to share but it would depend on whether it was triggering or not and if it was not codie-related ..can you pm me, Tena?...thank you for asking..
I, too, have put on some pounds because of meds...glad you mentioned this and I too, need to remind myself of who I am, when I feel the discrepancy between the picture I have of me and who I catch at a glance when I walk past a mirror...

..oh, I saw something really neat the other day....someone in a magazine article took a marker and drew ivy and flowers on their body as an exercise of outwardly appreciating their bodies...I'm thinking sparklely pale blue...a beautiful tattoo between the neck and toes to celebrate our bodies...love the idea!

Amy, I am glad you are feeling a bit better...I was concerned that you would be well enough before you went back...Don't let the job hunt scare you...I am still praying that what you need will appear....trust that as you do the footwork

[Mariposa18]

I am sitting here in complete and utter disbelief. I just spoke to my Mom and she told me her and Little Brother got into a really bad argument last night. HOWEVER she told me nothing that was said, because, and I quote "Your Brother said it wasn't fair to you to put you in the middle of our issues. That if I had a problem I should tell him, not ask you to call him, because then out of anger he said things he didn't mean to you and hurt you. I told him he was absolutely right, I'm sorry."

I don't know what astounds me more, the fact that he said that or that she finally realized putting me in the middle SUCKS! Either way, I text my Brother and apologized for being harsh with him and I told him thanks for asking Mom not to make me referee. I also told him I loved him and that would never change.

I feel better, SO MUCH better. But now I need carbs and sugar, a good night's rest and I might feel 100% normal in the morning! lol

[SerenityGirl]

Thankyou!!((Amy and Grateful)), thanks for sharing your experience with grief, so very helpful....

((Mariposa)) So happy for you!!!

((Big Dreams)) that is so good that you were able to resolve that situation and that you are feeling better now.

((Least)) you are doing so great with your codie skills.....yah!.

((Codie)) ((Tena))

[Gypsy Feet]

Tena, I know all of that as well. I talk about john like he was sitting next to me, and people want to feel so sorry for me. My best girl friend at the time of his death snapped at me once, and told me it was time to move on haha. We all have our own ways, I love to keep my memories close and I loved your share.

I am on some sort of sober-feelings-sensory overload right now, that feels manic (but I am not diagnosed any sort of polar=)


The ubf thing made me question all of my feelings towards men/relationships/sex

I was past it, and felt good about myself, but things remind me, like today I got a compliment and some attention from a couple of men, and it felt good, so I started obsessing whether it should matter OMG

Anyways, other than that silliness, today has been such an outstanding day. I am so high on life, I think I might fail a sobriety check point.


And bargaining, I think I do that everyday. . .

o.k., I am all over the place tonight so I'll sign off with hugs for all <3

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


Enjoying Life


November 6


Do something fun today.

If you're relaxing, let yourself relax, without guilt, without worrying, about the work that is undone.

If you're with loved ones, let yourself love them, and let them love you. Let yourself feel close.

Let yourself enjoy your work, for that can be pleasurable too.

If you're doing something fun, let yourself enjoy it.

What would feel good? What would you enjoy? Is there a positive pleasure available? Indulge.

Recovery is not solely about stopping the pain. Recovery is about learning to make ourselves feel better; then it's about making ourselves feel good.

Enjoy your day.


Today, I will do something fun, something I enjoy, something just for me. I will take responsibility for making myself feel good.

[CoDieNOmore]

GF, I understand those feelings. My ex bf is an active sex addict. I internalized His issues and guess what??? I made them about Me. It's taking time, meetings, and therapy to get through it. However I often think about what people have always said to me... What a great opportunity to grow.... Yeah.... great!!!!

Be gentle with yourself.... **hugs**

[51anna]

Tena,

I think it's great that you could take a step back and recognize that you are helping your student to learn to read, but you may in fact, not be able to solve all his reading problems. I think that the one-on-one tutoring could be just what he needs, but it's great that you have removed the pressure to succeed, from your shoulders. I applaud you for volunteering.

Btw, I am a HUGE Jodi Picoult fan. I think she has an incredible talent, in that she can express all the shades of grey in an argument and completely remove the black and white. When I read one of her books, I spend hours thinking about the issues in the story.

Thanks for your reading Grateful and having fun today is a good message.


Okay everybody, I have a weird problem, so please bear with me. I have three male neutered cats and two of them (biological brothers, age 2) have begun having terrible fightsn2 months ago. I am pretty sure it's an Alpha male thing. These are nasty, almost 'fight to the death' kind of fights and there have been injuries. This is triggering so, so many emotions in me, I am really struggling. The physical violence, the 'screaming', the suddenness of the fights, are all freaking me out. I can't deal with it, and the last fight which took place yesterday morning, really threw me. It is always the same cat who attacks and we have done everything we can to avoid this. But, I live in a condo with limited space and it's virtually impossible to separate them for long. The weird thing is, they get along SO well 95% of the time and then poof, a huge fight starts. Clearly this is affecting me in a PTSD way, and also triggering my fear of abandonment, because I fear that we may not be able to keep Miko in our family. We have tried pheronome therapy which is supposed to relax cats, he is on anti-anxiety medication, a special diet and now my husband wants to try behavioral therapy. Are you kidding me??? I am so stuck in the dark, messy place that I am not able to see any way to work towards a sensible solution.

[SerenityGirl]

((Anna)) sorry about the problem with your cats, I have no idea what else you can do, hopefully someone else will have some ideas...but that must be so hard for you....hugs

[BigDreams1]

(((Anna))) The cat fights must be distracting. I don't have any answers...but I know what my dad's friend used to do with his hunting dogs that didn't get along. He put them both in the back of his truck and let them fight it out until they tired on the way to the hunting field. Once he got there, they were so tuckered out that they apparently just decided to put up with each other...and they got along from that point out. I don't know if it would work in your situation to just lock them in a room together until they get along...but maybe it's worth a call to the vet? Whatever happens...we're on your side!

I'm going to take today's reading as great advice. I'm headed to my oldest daughter's house for the weekend to play.
Late nights, pj's, movies, popcorn, and my girls to giggle with. It's time to stop thinking for a few days and start having fun.

I wish the same for you all. Let's all have a wonderful weekend.

Loves!!!
Annie

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Okay everybody, I have a weird problem, so please bear with me. I have three male neutered cats and two of them (biological brothers, age 2) have begun having terrible fightsn2 months ago. I am pretty sure it's an Alpha male thing. These are nasty, almost 'fight to the death' kind of fights and there have been injuries. This is triggering so, so many emotions in me, I am really struggling. The physical violence, the 'screaming', the suddenness of the fights, are all freaking me out. I can't deal with it, and the last fight which took place yesterday morning, really threw me. It is always the same cat who attacks and we have done everything we can to avoid this. But, I live in a condo with limited space and it's virtually impossible to separate them for long. The weird thing is, they get along SO well 95% of the time and then poof, a huge fight starts. Clearly this is affecting me in a PTSD way, and also triggering my fear of abandonment, because I fear that we may not be able to keep Miko in our family. We have tried pheronome therapy which is supposed to relax cats, he is on anti-anxiety medication, a special diet and now my husband wants to try behavioral therapy. Are you kidding me??? I am so stuck in the dark, messy place that I am not able to see any way to work towards a sensible solution.

oh, Anna, wow...that is rough ...I can just imagine....
If it were me, I would go ahead with behavioral therapy, I think that is your last choice....
In the meantime, you can watch for the posturing that precedes a fight and separate Miko or just put him in his own space until he begins the therapy..(that is what I would do, easier on your nerves and it will settle things down a little...you can always visit for cuddle time)
But because of your PTSD, you need to do what you need to for you...
When my PSTD is triggered, I can get buried pretty quick, so what I try to do is grit my teeth and find the thing that has triggered me, and face it, deal with it, if I can and try and nip it in the bud..
For you the loss of Miko is likely, so you could spend some time thinking about that and what it means for you and how you could handle that loss, and then put it aside knowing that you will be okay if it comes to that...we know Miko will be ok because if you will find him a wonderful home full of love...and it sounds like he has decided he wants to be top cat...
Of course all of this is moot if the therapy works for him...
But at least you will be prepared for any event, even tho you will miss your guy....keep us posted,

[CoDieNOmore]

Anna, I'm really sorry to hear about your cats. I don't have any advice. I'm just a one cat family. I will say that you should make sure to take care of you...

[Gypsy Feet]

One of my mom's cats snapped one day and decided she hated the most docile male cat in the house (mom had 5 cats at the time). They tried kitty prozac, but eventually Wilma had to live in one bedroom and mom would switch them out for a couple of hours each day. When my sister got her own house, she took Wilma (the troubled cat), and even though my sister has another female cat and is fostering my german shephard, they all get along, go figure. I hope you can find suitable arrangements soon.

I am still in a wonderfully good mood for no apparent reason, go me=)

[liveweyerd]

I have had a marvelously fun day full of laughter with friends and family.
You have probably figured out that I really like joking around and pranks, so I am gloating that I made David blush. (No one else is around) LOL and it was in a good way.
I thought that was totally cool. And then I got to tease him about THAT. HAHAHAHAHA

Have been very busy the last 3 days and I did not sleep at all last nite. And, no, I did not go get my refill. I have just stayed up all day and will tire out soon. I am wondering if maybe I could be able to sleep normally, since all the basics in my life are going well. Why would I mess around with this....because it is the sleep med (I switched from my long time trazadone-because it was causing too vivid nightmares to doxepin) and that doxepin is the icing on the cake of weight gain on top of the anti-depressant.

Grateful, I will talk about the stuff we discussed another day. I am tired and don't want to make the effort right now.

Anna, Wow! I hope you are able to capture some peace and serenity very soon. As Grateful said and has been evident lately, PTSD can send me spinning faster than I can keep up. I cannot imagine not being able to get away from the triggering. I don't think I could even do that. I haven't the slightest idea about cats. My sister had one cat, a Bengal derived (?) that stopped using the litter box and the vet said it was a behavorial problem. I think they were able to resolve that.

YES! Jodi Picoult won my heart! I have another here and will report on it when I get it read. I have several books out from the library right now.

Amy, I sure hope you are feeling much, much better today!

BD, Hope you have a great gal's pajama party, That sounds so fun!

Gypsy, you know I love your light-hearted style. So fun and refreshing! When it is time the guys will be lining up, you have such a radiance and exuberance about you that is very fetching!

(((Codie))) ((((SG)))))

how are you today, Least? I hope you made some fun in your day.

I am going to tell another wonderful Eric story. I had two of his Leggo mobile inventions, little vehicles he had made when he was pretty young that I kept together and on the bookshelf. He came home one day, after a weekend in town...JR or SR in high school walked in and spied that they were taken apart. He gave me this mock very stern look but his eyes were smiling, and said "Whoever she is, she better have been one really cute little girl!" LOL...Do we know each other or what...because I answered, "Oh, yes she was, she is 3 years old and she and blah, blah, blah, blah." And we were just grinning about this and the story about my time with the little girl and how much fun we had. Eric was super great with little kids. He would play with them, and play with them and entertain them. He loved to show them fun. And so much patience, he didn't wear out with it. I don't know where he got that part from! All the little ones would always head for him.
Yeah. I am sitting here feeling proud of him!

David surprised me by going in and making burgers with pepper jack cheese and seasonings.
Only people who can be bachelors/bachelorettes should get together in my opinion. LOL

So I want to salute a truly FUN day!

Y'all be good now, y'heah?! LOL

[CoDieNOmore]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

CodieNoMore,

You know that is how I got to thinking the other evening when I got insecure about David. I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, sexy enough any more. Not an addiction issue...but my own "being enough" issue.
My medications have put 50 pounds on me and I turned 50 this year. The pounds are something I am just not handling well at all, but the counselors and etc keep blowing me off about this issue.
The way I look now does not fit the self image I have of myself.
It is like one of those carnival mirrors....YUK!

The more I really work on me the better I feel about myself. I'm yet to feel like I'm enough but I am working on it and that makes me feel good....
Kendra

[Impurrfect]

((Anna)) we have 3 cats, Mots and Elvis are un-neutered males, Patches is the fixed female. They "tolerate" each other, but just barely..mostly Mots and Elvis. Patches doesn't get along with either. When I moved in, whenever they would even start to hiss or growl, I would pop them (whichever 2 it was) lightly on the butt or the nose (just enough to get their attention) and say "no!" and squirt them with a water bottle. It only took once or twice with the water bottle....now I usually just have to say "Hey!!" and Elvis runs toward the back door because when he acts up, my stepmom puts him out.

If I EVER get my own place, the boys will be neutered and all 3 will be indoor cats. I full expect some major adjustments but I hate worrying about them going outside.

I totally understand the stress this is causing you...not only that our furbabies are much loved, but the PTSD triggers - I hope you can find a solution soon.

((Tena)) - love the story about Eric.

I went to the dr. and got an antibiotic shot. He wrote me a prescription for a week's worth of more antibiotics, but I can't afford it. He also wrote me one for cough syrup, but it's covered under my $7 insurance plan. This is the 3rd week I've had this "upper respiratory infection".

I had to borrow $20 from dad to put gas in my car. He offered to loan me the money for the antibiotic but I am just getting further and further into debt with him. Car pymt is due Mon. and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have enough, much less the school payment on Tue.

I did tell HP I needed $80/night for the 3 nights I work. An hour before I was to get off, I had $57 and was pretty stressed. I then got a party of a basketball team and a $20 tip, so $77 was close enough to $80, I think HP did a darned good job and I said a big THANK YOU!

I feel bad..there are so many people that have it worse than me. I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm still struggling, though...I feel like I'm going backwards. Every week I'm making less and less money, jobs are hard as he!! to find, and I HATE depending on my dad. Yes, it's awesome that he can help me right now, but I don't know how long that help will last and if we get into an argument, it is likely to get thrown in my face. It also means that I will keep my mouth shut, and not speak up when I should, simply because I need him. Right now? Things are okay, but you all know how quickly that could change.

I'm going to curl up with my cats, do a gratitude list and try to just focus on the fact that today is done and I'm okay. Even though it's 4:30 a.m., I'll deal with the rest of the day when I wake up.

Sorry this is so long and I'm a mess again. I think it should be illegal to be sick, pms'ing and extremely broke all at the same time

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Impurrfect]

Don't know if anyone else gets anything from this, but I certainly did, in light of my post above!

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Friday, November 6, 2009

Skip the need
+++++++++++++++++++

Whatever you need, you do not have. Take your focus off
needing, and start doing, start creating, start being what
you seek.

Don't waste your time and energy languishing in a state of
need. The moment you have the thought to add something to
your life or your world, get busy making it happen.

Skip the need and go straight to the achievement. Dive into
the effort, and keep making the effort until your objective
is reached.

Instead of constantly thinking that you need something,
experience yourself achieving it. Instead of dwelling in
excuses and lamentations, celebrate positive and valuable
results.

There is nothing that you need to need. That's because you
are fully capable of setting goals and of finding effective
ways to reach them.

So get busy, get going and express life's grand abundance in
your own very special way.

Ralph Marston