September Sobriety Group Part 2

[thirtybubba]

Strangely, I know it won't end well... and that's not a bad point. I'm not even sure it will end well if I follow the rules... that never worked for me.

Usually it gets me worse off than I was before. Just like now. And there's no guarantee, and I don't even know where I'm headed--I can't see it. I don't comprehend it.

I come from a cold, cold place, and it's starting to look a lot better than here.

Drinking will make it worse--maybe worse enough that I can leave it all behind like a bad trip four years long.

Instead I'm just going forward on this... floating really. Might as well be drunk for as much control I have over anything major. The little things don't mean nothing in the long run.

[thirtybubba]

Aw, He-. Ok, it was the cartwheels that did it...

Actually I think I got so wound up I snapped or something. Now I'm going to try and start my day, a few hours late. No way I can get everything done, but I suppose that's my fault. Should have already done it. If I hadn't drank the other week, I wouldn't have been tired this weekend and I might have done some of it.

Now it's too much, and I don't want to do any of it.

[PrimalScream]

Hey that sounds a bit better. Just start your day...do what you can...don't worry about things that could happen tomorrow or the next day...being sober won't fix things but it will enable you to handle them better. Just don't drink...you know what is down that road...that road sucks!!! keep doing cartwheels and try walking on your hands . Keep posting as well...maybe start a thread about this in the main New to addiction and rocovery forum and you will get a lot more help than just me telling you to do cartwheels ...you can do this TB...I believe in you!!

[thirtybubba]

Thanks PS... I was going crazy for a moment... I think I got both feet back on the ground, and I'm going to go forward. Not in cartwheel form, though, I have trouble coordinating a slow walk that doesn't make me look drunk.

The funny thing is, nothing's changed, I just blocked out all the bad stuff... is that all sobriety is? Using lying to yourself to do what liquor used to?

Now I'm really confused.

-TB, back I suppose... still sober anyways

[PrimalScream]

Glad you got your feet back on the ground TB...If it takes blocking out the bad stuff to stay sober right now than I say do it...whatever it takes. The longer you stay sober the better you will be able to cope with the rest of the stuff going on in your life. just do one thing at a time and things will slowly start to get done. But take care of your sobriety first and formost...everything else will somehow work itself out if you do.

[endzoner]

Dean .. my sweet dear friend welcome to the class of sept ... were glad your here , Esp me .. congrats on getting thu another day sober , I know you can do it hun stick with what you know and what works for you ...Im here If you need me ... just whistle .. lol ok maybe a message with have to do , .. we gotta great bunch of ppl here , lookin forward to your sharing with us .. big huggles your friend TD .. ~ endzy~

[serenitea]

Endzoner - thank you for sharing your story. It actually made me think about myself and reflect on how things really could be different. How many of us use 'bad things' in our life as a reason to drink. But you saw it differently. Very inspirational.

a_Fallen_man - I can relate to what your son & you are going thru. I too have been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor - mine is not on my pituitary gland, but on my hypothalamus... unfortunately no medication for me - I just watch and wait and hope that it does not grow. I had a full craniotomy a few years ago to get a biopsy. since then I have been blessed with no growth, and was able to have a child. Unfortunately, it did give me the 'right' to drink and except for when I was pregnant I have been drinking almost nightly 3+ drinks and more on weekends. I know I have been using it to deal with anxiety and such... but now it has just become a big excuse.

I have been sober for 10 days now - and am realizing that I used alcohol much more often than I wanted to admit. I only really drank in the evening at home after my daughter was in bed(luckily she went to bed early). I am finding that everything is a trigger though for those last few hours. Oh - I would love to take a bath - wouldn't a glass of wine be nice.. oh - I got her to sleep and it was a little stressful - wouldn't a glass of wine help that - you get the picture. Now that I am not 'in it' I am seeing it..

I have my next brain scan in two and half weeks(Oct 12) and I am already starting to feel the anxiety build up. My last scan (6 mo ago) was crazy good - my tumor shrunk (with no treatment - it was an amazing miracle actually) and now I am soooo freaked out that it will have grown again. Sometimes I feel like a dead person walking - there is very little hope if it grows - except radiation and that will only last 10 years. I sometimes look at my daughter and I wonder if I made the biggest mistake to her - what if I die and she is w/o a mother? Such crazy thoughts - I love her just so much. I am not 100% sure how to handle this level of anxiety w/o alcohol. I go to acupuncture weekly , that helps, I do visualizations and try to meditate. I guess i just need to get thru tonight and by tomorrow I will feel better.

[endzoner]

Serenitea ... Im no Dr by any means but that tumor could of killed you sometime ago .. But it hasnt and youve fought with all that comes along with that . your a fighter and a surviver. Your here on this earth for a reason , In which no one understands why . we just go with the flow and be greatful to be on this world. Booze wont fix you If nuttin it will and can take your life quicker then that tumor
Ofter we dwell on the past and forget to look forward and see the future, It goes right by and we missed it . Live today on todays terms and be all that you can be .. Show your lil precious gurl that your a fighter , thats something she can be proud of no matter what the outcome may bring later on in life . worry wont change a thing !I know easier said then done at times and its difficult . But you are a fighter!
Bubba . have you sought out any form of program ? so many memembers here cant recall if you said you were in one or not . get active get workin some form of prog , I know some days we dont feel like doing nuttin thats the natural thing in anyone . But we get up and do what we can how . make a list thats the best advice someone gave me when i felt over whelmed by so many things need be done . and it axually helped . sounded silly but hey I was willing to try what ever it took to get me thu a day of soberity
Fallen .. thats for the kind words
I hope that my story has sparked a lite of hope in some of you ,
Congrats on everyone for another day sober , and if you fell .. get up dust your self off and get marching into your program head on , no one said this was a easy thing to do , But it does and will get better ...
many huggles and prayers for you all ~ Endzy ~

[JeffreySandman]

Congratulations on your third sober week Primal (assuming you're not lying in a Burnside Street gutter somewhere)

[PrimalScream]

Day 21...thanks Jeffrey, I think...I don't quite get the Burnside reference?? Is that a soprano thing??

Hope everyone has a great sober day!!!

[thirtybubba]

Endzy, I sought out AA... they were cold to me. I'm holding out that I might get into a better meeting over by where I have to take the court classes, but that's nowhere near where I live. But I might get numbers or something. Local, ...well there have been problems that I don't think are true about all AA. There have been problems with getting a ride (I'm ten minutes out of the way...) and basically nobody talks to me when I get there on my own. Sure, they smile, but they're already in their own little clicks. Not that I don't feel I can go, I'm welcome at that, but as far as meeting sober people and making friends, they aren't so ready for that.

I know it's way back there, but Welcome LauraS. Like they say, it's a mighty big bus...

Well, I'm really supposed to be learning all about psychology (ugh) for a test in 62 minutes... so I guess I'd best to stop typing... Thanks again PS. Sometimes I need a bop in the head, sometimes I need two...

I'll be alright, I suppose. Sober anyhow.



TB

[LauraS]

Still on the September bus, though holding barely to its tailpipe. I drank some wine last night, then decided today that I can't let that be an excuse for continued relapse. So here I am again with one day, but it's still September, so I can stay in this thread.

I decided to go to a meeting tonight and went to a different meeting that was not my old home group. I was warmly received by several of the women there and the sharing was very heartfelt, so I think I will go back. It's odd; each time I have gone back to the rooms has felt very different. I am not sure why, but I was glad to be back.

I am still concerned about making promises however, and did not tell my husband where I was going. When I got home he asked where I'd been and I said "guess." Well, of course, he guessed. I told him no commitment just yet. One day at a time.

[thirtybubba]

LauraS, I had the same experience with AA. Three meetings, three worlds totally different than each other. Of course the one that welcomed me the best was in another county.

Ah well, so I have no luck. But yes ma'am, it's still September... although I started getting sober in July (thirtybubbas are not real good at this btw), I still follow my July peers and and I still post in the August thread, so don't look at it like a strict rule... although I don't speak for all of the September group, I can't think anybody will be 'kicking you out'... we're nice here on SR.

One day at a time--whether you choose to go by that saying or not, in the end that's all everybody does. Some days you just don't notice the time, others are, well, more difficult...

So, best of luck to you, and stay around!

-TB, also sober and not going to drink today and hopefully not tomorrow

[Kablume]

25 days sober. Grateful to be sober today. I am glad I stuck it out with AA until it started feeling comfortable. People got to know me and I got to know them. I go and listen and then do what is suggested. And it works. Last night I got a sponsor. I know this is a process, that it takes time. It is not perfect. As long as I don't pick up a drink today, I stand a chance. I hope those that go to AA will not give up before the miracle happens.
Hope you all have a good sober day today!

[PurpleCat]

LauraS, I'm a member of the August group and I didn't actually quit until September. You are more than welcome to say - of course, it probably won't be necessary because it will stick this time.

[JeffreySandman]

Well, I got past the three week mark and for me, this is where the challenge really begins. I've been here before and the thinking usually goes like this; I didn't drink for 3 weeks, I didn't have to go to any meetings, they didn't have to lock me in a room and I didn't have the DTs so I must not be an alcoholic. Surely I can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or like my military father, have precisely one martini at 7PM. I try it and before I know it, empty 24 oz cans of Coors are proliferating everywhere. I rarely drink to get drunk, it's just that after having one, my mouth seems to want more and I allow my mouth instead of my brain to be boss.

I didn't have SN before as a tool so I'm hoping I can tap all of your energy and experiences to get me past this critical juncture.

Primal - I saw you are from Vancouver and I recall Burnside to be the main drag for all of the establishments we need to stay out of. Maybe I was wrong - sorry for the confusion! Glad to see you are doing well as we have the same 'birthday'.

All the best to everyone - enjoy the life!

[Dean62]

Great job PrimalScream (the band?) and JeffreySandman for 3 weeks.

Bubba and PC September isn't my first class either. Hang in there we don't have to drink anymore.

TD (ENDZONEr) thank you for being you and giving me a warm welcome here. I really enjoyed seeing you in chat again even if it was only for a few minutes.

Congrats to everyone here for your desire to stay sober.

16 days for me today and I have to admit this last week I put to much priority on work and money. I'm glad to finally be done with all the over time and looking forward to having a few days of enjoying life. Being out in the crisp cool air this morning was a treat. The smell and the feel of it gave me a spiritual rush....that and the Starbucks. It really is the little things that I love when sober. I'm watching Cocoa and Moses (my dogs) play fight right now as I type this...I could sit here with them all morning.

I'll be meeting a guy I met at church the other day for dinner tonight. He's starting an addiction recovery group and I can't wait to get into it. I'm looking forward to actually getting out and making friends. It's been a long time of isolation for me. I don't even really know how to be a friend anymore. It's scary and exiting at the same time. I suppose life without booze and benzo's is just going to have to be that way for a while.

The dogs are tired already....wimps....time for me to get outside and enjoy the day. I hope everyone here has a good day today. Take care.

[PrimalScream]

Good mornin everyone...happy thursday Oct 1st...we made it through september!! Day 22 here. Feeling pretty good...I'm just not going to talk about how bad I am sleeping...complaining never helped anyone. I will just keep moving forward and hope that one day in the not to distant future I wake up and actually feel rested.

Congrats on 16 days Dean62...the cartoon band in my avatar is a now defunct Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue) side project called Brides of Destruction...I picked it because, well I thought it was cool, I love Motley Crue and Sixx in particular...he is in recovery, from pretty much every substance known to man, and has been clean for the past decade.

Hey Jeffrey, I have lived in Vancouver for 13 years and I am not familiar with Burnside lol...I will google it today...but thanks for the well wishes

Happy October to everyone else and congrats on making it through september...It doesn't matter if you relapse it only matters that you keep trying...I'm glad to have met you all in our september group

First day of NHL hockey season!! wooohooo.

[serenitea]

Gosh you are right - it is October! And..even though I have a cold - I actually feel better than I have felt in a long time. And at least I know how i feel is caused by a cold and not something else.

JefferySandman - in the past I have done the same thing at the 3 week mark. In fact, that is usually when some event happens that makes it so difficult. But - then we will have to start all over again. forget that! I know you can make it thru it this time!

Dean62 - I know what you mean - I am realizing how important it is to be reasonable and balanced in order to stay sober and enjoy life. I had such a similar experience yesterday - although today I need to work. Ah well - I will do something nice at lunch time!

Have a great day everyone!

[endzoner]

YVW Dean..im super proud of ya.. I know its been a tuff road for you but maybe this time and I always include ya in my thoughts , that you got it . The recov program at church that sounds so awsome for you , Knowing you like I do i think thats right up your league . And getting in on the ground floor of it Is way cool .. Very good friend of mines in one as well , and he said its make a big impact and many great changes in his life .. hope it does that for you as well , and was great to see you in chat as well ... enjoy your eventful weekend ..
Primal .. you know ( lol @ self ) when you first joined the group I really never paid close attention to what it was , I thought it was some big blob of ink at first then one day i was like OMG im in need of new optics ... doinks self ....

well mother nature is confused is it time for heat or time for cold .. either way im greatful to be sober today and be here to share and learn from you all . its time to start lookin for books to read , im very picky but gotta list going to order .. ugg winter ..
Well ya all have a wonderful sober day ! huggles Endzy

[PurpleCat]

Originally Posted by PrimalScream

Good mornin everyone...happy thursday Oct 1st...we made it through september!! Day 22 here. Feeling pretty good...I'm just not going to talk about how bad I am sleeping...complaining never helped anyone. I will just keep moving forward and hope that one day in the not to distant future I wake up and actually feel rested.

I'm right there with you on the count (23 days minus my two conference days), and I never feel rested at all. I sleep just fine at night - my problem is getting there. I thought that when I quit drinking I'd be able to go to bed at a decent hour, but apparently it wasn't the booze keeping me awake. I'm still up until 11:00/11:30 every night and have to get up at 6:00 to get my son up for school. YAWN.

First day of NHL hockey season!! wooohooo.

Wheee!!!! Go Red Wings!

(PurpleCat ducks and runs from the Canuck fan.)

[a fallen man]

congrats to all fellow septemberers....today is day 24 for me.

i too am still having restless sleep and bizarro dreams.

that said, i feel tons and tons better. no upset stomach. no diarrhea. no puffy face. no headaches.

i've been doing a little bit of exercising and it has made a difference. the human body is amazingly resilient. i'm by no means blind to the damage i've done to it in the past with my alcohol abuse but i'm feeling pretty good right now.

purple cat....i too stay up too late. i did quit for 3 months last year and the sleep does eventually settle down. guess we just have to give it some time.

jeffery and serinitea....it's so easy to fall into the trap of my body is feeling pretty good and i think i can handle it now. i did it after 3 months last year and 2 months early this year. i unfortunately am not one of the folks that has shown he can do it responsibly so all i have to go on is my own track record so i'm trying to give it up for good this time.

to all the september folks....we're rapidly racking up some days here. i'm very proud of everyone on here fighting the good fight (including me a little bit....lol). let's keep it going.

[thirtybubba]

Well, I made it to October sober. What I have, 7 days.

And life just threw me a knockout blow this afternoon. Guess I gotta refigure my life.

On a positive note, the Financial Aid department, after looking at my paperwork, finally agrees that something very wrong happened with my financial aid. I've been trying to tell them the numbers don't add up for over a year now. They recommend I deal with it before next year (yes, they phrased it that way, even though they admit it's their fault). They're sorry I'm a graduating senior.

I have less than 500 to my name, and I won't be getting any more--over 10 thousand in loans this semester alone and they pretty much rerouted it.

Still leaves me with nothing. Can't pay the courts so I'm bound for jail again--that's not a big problem, the problem is I still have to pay them anyways--and I've been applying for work since last October (coming up on a year no work, no unemployment 'cause I'm a student), except for a few weeks here and there. They don't hire college students around here--they put that in the ads. Everything else I try, but we have around 12% unemployment around here. I just don't match up to somebody who can work 24/7.

And I can't pay for the GRE or any other grad school tests, or the transcripts, or by the time that rolls around I probably won't be able to afford the postage anyways. So grad school's out, for now at least. I guess I could apply in a few years--but school has left me with nothing but a bad taste in my mouth. I managed everything before, and now my hands are tied all the time.

So I guess I'm stuck in Hell, and these last few years of tolerating being all alone have been for naught. It's times like this, I'm having a tough time arguing that I shouldn't just drink down the rest of my money. It won't last me through October anyways. Automatic withdrawals for the court classes--I have no other bills save food and miscellaneous things. 200 dollars is all mine to do whatever I please...

Right now I'm just shell shocked. They told me the other checks would be coming later... didn't mention that they would be swallowed up by brand new fees they made up "to offset the budget cuts."

Take care y'all
-TB, remembering the trucking routes go both ways and wondering what to do

[ashleek]

Hi everyone! September will be a month to remember for me. It's been ten days clean now!! It still hard but I keep on keepin on! One day at a time.

[PrimalScream]

Happy mornin everyone. Day 23. No real problems...well except the lack of sleep...but what are ya gonna do? I do often times catch myself worrying about handling future situations...like going home for christmas...everyone will be drinking and of course they will expect me to drink the most...as I usually do. I have a brother in law that I am particularly close to and we always drink and get high together...he is going to be really disappointed that I won't want to get high with him...he's the kind of guy that just won't be able to let it go...that sucks. It seems like I will be letting everyone down as drinking has always been a big part of our family get togethers, especially during the holidays...but everyone else is much more moderate than me...I would always drink the most, but it was always ok because even though I might have drank more than everyone else the fact that everyone else was drinking quite a bit pretty much covered my tracks if you know what I mean. I know it is dumb to worry about something 3 months away but I do...but I still have to get through 3 months for crying out loud. I also still have a lot of difficulty convincing myself that I will never drink again...that is why I am going for 30 days at a time...I just can't grasp telling myself I will NEVER have another drink...I wonder if I will ever be able to tell myself that, or even want to. But I am fine now, I know I won't drink today or this weekend, I know I will make it 30 days...so I am just going to live it a day at a time.

endzoner...ya, it kind of looks like a blob of ink lol...I always thought it would make a good tattoo.

Hey Purplecat...I don't hate the redwings, I actually really respect them for always icing a really top notch team, except when they play the Canucks ...who lost their season opener 5-3 last night

Congrats on the days A fallen Man!!

Hang in there TB!!

Congrats on the 10 days ashleek!!

Congrats to anyone I missed!!

Have a happy sober friday everyone!!