Living In Sobriety Part 4

[IO Storm]

I think I am going now,...to play some games eat left overs!!

[stone]

I hope the depression passes soon Least.

Cya soon Sher.


Where is Donna?


I am eating chicken fajitas then going to bed.

[Believe808]

I'm here Stoney. I just spent 3 hrs shredding old papers/bills, etc. from 1987 onward. I'm not in good space, spoke to my sponsor and going to meet her for coffee in about 1 hr.

Good night Stone.

[HideorSeek]

How come nobody is here when I am, I'm starting to get a complex

Anyhoo, I woke up at 2 a.m. and thought how glad I am that I'm not drinking. I used to wake up at that time and realize "oh no, WHY did I do that?" What did I do/say that I can't recall?? Who's going to be mad at me?" Then I would be up for hours... Instead, last night, I felt such gratitude and peace. I rolled out of bed, onto my knees and thanked my HP for this gift.

Then, I went back to sleep, with a clear conscience....

This a.m. (at a more civilized hour than 2 am), I went to my first meeting in a month. B4 you get all huffy on me , remember that I have been out of the country for a good chunk of it (I know, I know, excuses, excuses...) It was a good meeting (one of my favs and one of my regulars), but LORDY, I FORGOT ABOUT THE TRAFFIC!!!!! We live in a touristy area and everyone and his brother was herre for the weekend. And then, they had to go back to wherever they came from....*groan*, "sitting in traffic" has taken on new meaning...BUT, as I sat there, I thought "what can I do"? Nada...so I just crawled along and thought about the meeting instead.

Lest you think I'm some sort of Pollyanna, I DO get po'd and bummed and sad and angry. I'm just saving my brownie points with you guys....so be prepared...

Hope all is well with everyone with their lawns and kids and houses and everything. HA, Bee...I laughed out loud when you wrote that you were waiting for Nel's mower to be fixed...you are one funny lady!

[HideorSeek]

Peek a boo, Bee...whatsamatta ???? Really....

[least]

Bee...

[Believe808]

Thanks Guys, I just am not too talkative, I'll be back when I am a little better. I'm tired of feeling like this, I don't like it one bit. I thought I would enjoy life in sobriety, but the only thing going good is my sobriety right now. This too shall pass, I know that shi* but its been 9-1/2 mths and it hasn't passed. My life is worse in sobriety than ever before in my lifetime. Aw, f*ck it. It will pass. Don't worry, drinking is NOT an option for me.

[HideorSeek]

Originally Posted by Believe808

Thanks Guys, I just am not too talkative, I'll be back when I am a little better. I'm tired of feeling like this, I don't like it one bit. I thought I would enjoy life in sobriety, but the only thing going good is my sobriety right now. This too shall pass, I know that shi* but its been 9-1/2 mths and it hasn't passed. My life is worse in sobriety than ever before in my lifetime. Aw, f*ck it. It will pass. Don't worry, drinking is NOT an option for me.

I think sometimes BECAUSE drinking isn't an option, I can feel worse. Oftentimes, I would "retalliate" by drinking or numb or whatever. Now we have to FEEL it, work through it. That doean't make it easier (or necessarily enjoyable). The ONLY thing that carries me through these times (as you know, Bee), is that it WILL pass (more or less, at least) and I will feel proud of myself that I didn't succumb and I won't feel that horrible, horrible despair if I DID drink.

Still, I know that it doesn't make it any easier while I'm going through it....

Remember that we love you....

[Believe808]

Thanks HOS, I don't want to drink, I don't like the taste of alcohol, I know I have to feel these feelings, I don't want to take anything to get rid of them, that's not the problem, its all the bad stuff going on in my life, I'm tired and tired of it. I'm not too talkative now, sorry.

[Believe808]

Not going with my sponsor, her son is not feeling well. That's good cause I really didn't want to go. I'll be back later.

[HideorSeek]

Oh Honey...I know that you won't drink, but I guess what I was trying to say is that, FOR ME, because drinking ISN'T an option, it can be very frustrating. Frankly everyone has coping mechanisms...from gambling to smoking to eating to ??? And I think we hold ourselves to a higher standard, which can be very, very difficult.

I'm not expressing myself very well, but I just wanted you to know that I care and that you are not alone...

[least]

wonderful cat tricks by the Moscow Cat Theatre

Moscow Cat Theater

[nelco]

Bee, there will be days like this. There is nothing going on in your life that a drink will make better. I know you said you are not going to drink and I believe you. You just need support.
Listen .....this crap would be going on in your life whether you were drinking or not, the difference is you have a better chance of getting through it with dignity and sanity while you are sober. Just hang in there Bee, things change all the time. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
I had a wave of sadness this evening and felt very emotional. I am not sure what the trigger was but I was tearful about some losses in my life. I talked about it and I will just acknowledge the feeling. No point in pretending its not there, but I know it will pass...... I wont allow myself to wallow. life can be tough...
I get bad days too, who doesn't...but I used to have bad years. The bad times pass..... the good times pass......and on and on ....its HOW we deal with them. I think you are getting stronger and stronger Bee. People care for you. I care x

[nelco]

night everyone

[HideorSeek]

You said it much better than me, Nel's Bells! At the meeting this morning, a woman spoke of what AA had given her...she said it was all about "perception" (and/or attitude). She can tell herself that she is not having a bad day, but only a bad "moment". The thing is, sometimes these moments seem to go on forever. This alcoholic, at least, wants things to be better FAST (instant relief) and, if I'm honest, I think...well, if I'm NOT drinking, don't I DESERVE happiness (right now, by the way). And the fact is, I don't DESERVE anything, good or bad. What happens, happens. I am responsible for the good effort, but not the outcome. THAT is out of my hands. Which is both a curse AND a blessing. I think one of the hardest things that I am learning is patience...that there are lessons to be learned in the the hard times (perhaps most of all during the hard times) because it is then that we learn self-reliance, humility and appreciation of the GOOD times.

My heart goes out to you though Bee. But you know that.

[HideorSeek]

Night Nel!

[nelco]

Hos I think we posted at the same time. I like what you posted. I think I learned my biggest lessons on the tough days.

Its on the darkest nights the stars come out.

Goodnight x

[HideorSeek]

Originally Posted by nelco

Its on the darkest nights the stars come out.

I like that, Nel....

[Believe808]

Thank you both. I want to believe that there will be light at the end of this tunnel, but I'm having a difficult time right now trusting that all will be well. I left here and went and sat in church, It was just me and God there and I talked to him for awhile. I then left and sat in parking lot for awhile and thought of a meeting, so I checked my mtg list and I had 1/2 hr to get there. I called a friend and she was already at that meeting so I met her. 2 speakers tonight there, it was good and then I spoke to another friend and we set up Friday night we are going to a speaking committment together. After meeting I went to the friends house, she lives across the street and we just sat and talked about what was going on, She has 31 years sober. I'm glad my HP put her and the meeting in my path tonight, I asked him for a sign and I believe they were my signs. You both were also a sign that I am not alone and I do matter. Thank you my friends.

[HideorSeek]

I think that you are the sweetest soul Bee! I have had similar experiences that when I am in need, if I ask for help, it is always given to me. You are SUCH a supportive person to those of us here and we love you for all that you do and all that you are...which is pretty huge in my book.

[stone]

Hi everyone.

Sorry you are feeling so down Donna, you are obviously fighting it.

I am going to a meeting today.

[nelco]

good morning everyone living in sobriety, especially you Bee you little trooper. You make sure and read something positive today and trust your hp. I will be doing the same across the ocean.

Morning Stone, your up early. I had a horrible dream. God you think yours are bad!! My hubby was back drinking and I was not. we were in a car with my sis and her husband. I was giving out to husband for drink driving and he took off really fast and hit a wall...a dead end. There was a man standing there eating chips and he hit him !!! It was so bad I had to get up and get a glass of water at 3am. This morning my husband said he woke up with a bit of fear going on (not like him ) maybe my dream spilled over lol I told him about the dream and he said "jeasus no wonder I felt a bit funny this morning"
Thank God it was only a dream and we are both still sober, especially on a monday morning (they were the bad ones)
I have not had a drinking dream for ages. It left me shook but grateful to be sober!!
Free from the chains again today.....thank God and AA

[espresso]

everyone

Some powerful posts here

Bee hope you feel better in yourself today - maybe the holiday weekend is over and things are back to normal - will help

[nelco]

Lawnmower man came. Lawnmower working. Black clouds loom though. I am going to the gym, when I come back if it is dry I will cut grass. First I will clean house and change bed sheets. I will be back in for a to LIS for a tea break between these goals!!
:ghug x

[Dee74]

Hope you're feeling better today Bee

D