Codependency and Beyond Part 6

[grateful2b]

Here is a link for Codependency and Beyond Part 5:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-5-a-20.html (Codependency and Beyond Part 5)



You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation

July 2

Who Knows Best


Others do not know what's best for us.

We do not know what's best for others.

It is our job to determine what's best for ourselves.

"I do know what you need."... "I know what you should do."... "Now listen, this is what I think you should be working on right now.

These are audacious statements, beliefs that take us away from how we operate on a spiritual plane of life. Each of us is given the ability to be able to discern and detect our own path, on a daily basis. This is not always easy. We may have to struggle to reach that quiet, still place.

Giving advice, making decisions for others, mapping out their strategy, is not our job. Nor is it their job to direct us. Even if we have a clean contract with someone to help us - such as in a sponsorship relationship - we cannot trust that others always know what is best for us. We are responsible for listening to the information that come to us. But it is our responsibility to sift and sort through information, and then listen to ourselves about what is best for us.

Nobody can do that for us but ourselves.

A great gift we can give to others is to be able to trust in them - that they have their own source of guidance and wisdom, that they have the ability to discern what is best for them and the right to find that path by making mistakes and learning.

To trust ourselves to be able to discover - through that same imperfect process of struggle, trial, and error - is a great gift we can give ourselves.

Today, I will remember that we are each given the gift of being able to discover what is best for ourselves. God, help me trust that gift.

[grateful2b]

"Now they want me to cover the one shift when she closes. "I told him sorry can't do it as I have another job." I am not going to rescue them anymore when shifts aren't covered because they've scheduled people who don't want to work - especially people who have been giving me fits and they don't back me up as supervisor in conflicts with these people.
It felt good to know I didn't have to worry about who is going to cover the shift.....not my problem!

Amy, way to stay in your own hula hoop!
I can really appreciate how good it must feel to let yourself off the hook and step away from the drama....yay!

Amy, thank you so much for that reading from Ralph Marston, another good one!

[51anna]

Grateful, as often is the case, a totally appropriate reading for me.

I am having issues at work. I believe my job will be changing, I'm not positive, but that's what I think. It will involve much more stress for me and I KNOW that I don't want it. I may have no option, but to quit. I KNOW what is right for me. I am already out of my comfort zone in this job and I cannot go further. But, it's hard not to be affected by other people's opinions.

(((Amy)))

[Impurrfect]

(((Anna))) - I'm sorry you're having issues at work, too.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

Anna..I think this well turn out to be a wonderful thing in the end...there is always a purpose for the upheaval, and a door soon to open..God has a hand in everything, doesn't he....I am excited for where this will take you...

[Impurrfect]

Yikes!! Just got my next book for school - business math. Anyone an expert on compounded interest, sinking funds, mutual funds, business stats, etc.? Looking at the test, it looks way over my head, but looking at the book, it looks like it starts with basics..hope so!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Gypsy Feet]

Good for you for standing up for yourself Amy, maybe they will learn to hire better people next time!!

checked my first batch of bids this morning, my lowest was 77 (76 people ahead of me) haha!!

Oh well, time to hunker down and just enjoy my fabulous job as is=)

[SerenityGirl]

Thanks ((Grateful)) for today's reading, its a reminder that I need to just focus on what I need to do to change myself for the better, not worry about what others are doing. I agree what you said about God having a hand in everything....thanks goodness...that is comforting...

((Amy)) that's great that you are taking care of yourself at work, I just love telling myself "THATS NOT MY PROBLEM" because I have always felt that somehow I should fix everyone's problem..

((Anna)) worrying about others opinions is always the hard part about taking care of ourselves, but we can't let it stop us from doing what's best for us. wish you the best with your job situation...

((Lisa))

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language fo Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation

July 3

Directness

So much of our communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs.

Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light . Let go, and freely be who you are.

Today, I will be honest with myself and others, knowing that if I don't, my truth will come out some other way.

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light . Let go, and freely be who you are.

/I]

This is another one of my favorite readings.......I spent most of my life enslaved by my own thinking and emotions...the most important gift of my recovery is my freedom to be my authentic self and with that freedom comes the ability to experience joy....and I am grateful for both on a daily basis.....

[hydrogirl]

OMG, Grateful, you have NO IDEA how timely today's reading is for me!!!!!

Long story short.....I've been sick this week, sore throat, fever, throwing up (sorry). So yesterday, my fiance calls me at 6:15 a.m. from the ER (!). He has been having a problem with an in-grown hair getting infected near the site of his surgical incision from a few weeks ago, and Thursday morning it was the size of a golf ball and he was running a fever! Well, he called me and kept me informed of his progress, and I was able to pull myself together enough to pick him up from the ER and take him home (he was given 2 percocets and could not drive).

I told my mother about all of this yesterday, and she calls me this morning to ask how I am and to chastise me and him calling him a prima dona for not taking a cab. I was sooooooo angry, but did not say anything at first. AFter I cooled down a bit, I called her back (got her voicemail), and asked her if she was being a prima dona when both she and my father had a terrible flu, father was dizzy and had a fever, but took HER to the ER when she became dehydrated and needed fluids?

Yes, we are a family that needs lessons in knowing what is best....I need to believe in my own "adulthood" and what is best for me, and how to believe in my own self and decision to not let her opinions bother me......

Well, anyway, I'm off to the DR again to find out about my now 3-day sore throat!

Hugs and thanks all for everything you share! It is so helpful for me!!!!

HG

[Impurrfect]

((HG)) - I hope you and your fiance get to feeling better soon!!

I realized, last night, I definitely have to work on my perfectionism. I had one last test to take in the old book. Had to guess at 4-5 questions, did that, put the answers in the computer. I was holding my breath, squinting my eyes, so I didn't have to really SEE the score when it came up (like that's going to do any good?). I made 100. I was ecstatic for a minute, then thought "how am I going to keep this up?"

I've been really irritated with just about everyone, lately in my f2f life, even Brit. Don't know what's up with that, but have been keeping to myself to prevent saying something I'll regret later.

I just went out to fix something to eat, and stepmom's on her usual spot on the couch, dad is cleaning the kitchen and says she's "really in bad shape today, she can't even walk". She says her legs keep buckling underneath her. Apparently, she has fallen every time she's tried to get up.

This is not good. We have no health insurance on her because dad couldn't afford the almost $900/mo. it was costing.

My problem is, it looks to me like she's taken a lot of pain pills - she went to her dr. yesterday and got her meds. I'm not saying anything because it will only cause a huge argument, and even if she HAS taken too many, nothing will be done.

I go back to work tonight, and will just keep biting my tongue. My next therapy appt. is Wed

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Impurrfect]

Okay, guys I need some serious good thoughts.

Dad went to pick up Brit, they got in an argument, she cussed at him, he hit her, she tried to jump out of the car, he grabbed her by the arm.

She came in the house, screaming about him hitting her, I went outside and she'd just gotten to the back door and was screaming "hit me again". I got between them, she went back inside. I was yelling at him "you don't hit a child, dammit" and told him he could go to jail. He said he didn't care.

I told him he's the adult, and was yelling, telling him that, no matter what, you don't HIT people, and the whole time I'm striking out like I was GOING to hit him (he's flinching) but I don't hit him...he says "go ahead, hit me". I stop, get very calm and say "now, how would you have felt if I had hit you.

I told him if he goes to jail there is no way we can get him out (the house is already bonded out for stepmom), and he will leave me with one helluva mess - he says he doesn't care, and nobody cares about him except me.

Brit did call the cops but then hung up. I think this is the 2nd time that's happened and they came to the house the first time anyway. Her friend Brooke saw all of this. I am shaking like a leaf, and can't stop crying. Stepmom really is having her legs buckle underneath her - she has bad discs and I guess they are pressing on the nerves.

I'm supposed to be at work in less than 2 hours, and I don't even know whether to go or not.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lenina]

(((((Amy))))) Sounds like a horrible situation. Maybe going to work will be a good thing? When I'm at work I can turn off what's going on at home. My workplace isn't always very peaceful but it's easier for me to disconnect from the drama.

You're in my thoughts as always.

Love,

Lenina

[Impurrfect]

((Lenina)) - thanks hon - I was trying to post on the henhouse thread, but ended up taking Brit to her friend Brooke's house.

I am about to go to work. Brit is at her friends, said she's "never coming back". I'm already late for work

My nerves are a wreck, but hopefully work will distract me. It's like the whole damn family is falling apart (again) and it's up to me to try to hold it together. Dad's angry and having a pity party, Brit just wants to have fun, stepmom is truly scared about losing control of her legs and me? Hell, I don't even know right now, other than I'm clean, going to stay that way and try to stay in my hula hoop

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

Oh, ((((Amy)))), I am so sorry..wow...that is a lot going on..is it up to you to hold it all together? I can only try to imagine how you must be feeling in the midst of it
they say there is a place in the center of a storm, "the eye of the storm"
if you can be clear about what is yours and find that spot, that eye in the storm, then maybe it will be easier to let go of what is not yours, what you can't fix, even though these people are so dear to you, and it is so hard watching their consequences play out in front of you...
Amy, you are in my thoughts and in my prayers tonight..please keep us posted, okay?


Lenina, its nice to see you pop in

[Gypsy Feet]

((((((Amy)))))))

ditto what g2b said, I hope you are able to hold a little of yourself back for your own sanity hon. You will be in my thoughts

[hydrogirl]

(((Amy))) I'm so sorry to hear about everything that is going on! Can't imagine what set everyone over the edge (full moon?). You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep yourself safe, sane, and sober!!!!!

Huge hugs, HG

[grateful2b]

HG...you are right, of course...what other people think of us is none of our business
I hope you and your fiance will be feeling better soon...take care of you..

[hydrogirl]

Grateful.....

I am learning......!

HG

[Sweets79]

Hi all,

Hope everyone is doing good

I've been slacking a little bit on my reading, but planning on getting back to it this week. I think I am going to do some tonight. I am about half way through "Codependent No More".

I've been really trying to work on changing alot of my thought processes on certain things, but it really is TOUGH. One of the biggest problems I have as being Codependent is the way I let people affect me. I have been doing better with this, but I have been letting certain things get to me.

Ofcourse to me certain things seem like a big deal, but in the grand scheme of things I know alot of them aren't a big deal. I think it's just the principle of certain things that people do that bother me. I'm always asking myself why this and why that, and constantly finding myself agitated and disgusted.

I don't like my mood being affected by people, but I have always been that way. I also think my choices in people I allow in my life have not been the best, which also adds to me being disappointed often. When my mood gets affected I slack at the gym and struggle to do my day to day errands. Plus, my concentration goes way off, and I can't seem to think about anything else other than the situation that is bothering me. Now I am aware of it and I am trying to change, but it's very difficult.

Has anyone found that with work and time you don't let things get to you as much? And have you also been able to accept and let go of things you can't control? Oh and one more, lol... Do you find in time you actually get comfortable being alone with yourself and enjoy it?

I know I enjoy my alone time, but I never felt happy unless I am seeing someone. That sounds terrible as I type it, but it's true. I have started to feel better being alone with myself, but not entirely.

[Gypsy Feet]

"Has anyone found that with work and time you don't let things get to you as much?"

Yes. Working on letting people have their own lives and focusing on mine has saved me countless hours of needless worry, stress and agitation. The grouchy people at work I just let be grouchy and hope they will find their way.

And have you also been able to accept and let go of things you can't control?

Yes. Again, I have seen a huge improvement in my life since I started practicing this. For instance, when the pound put that dog down, the old me would have written letters, gone down to yell at them and carried on for days. None of this would have made that dog healthy, which is all I wanted, so I just let it all go.

Do you find in time you actually get comfortable being alone with yourself and enjoy it?

Honestly, I think when we are desperate for companionship it comes out of our pours, and its a big turn off. I have had to work hard at letting go of the things I think I want, and just letting life provide what I need. I truly believe if I stop looking for a companion, the right one will come along when it is time.

Plus I work so much and I am so tired, I don't have time to worry about ANY of that other stuff=)


Progress, not perfection!!

[Impurrfect]

(((Sweets))) - I have been able to let go of things a lot quicker, and not let things or people get to me as much, though from my last post you wouldn't think so. I also am quite content with not being in a relationship. I've only been in relationships with men who are alcoholics or addicts, so the biggest thing I got from them was how to be a really good codie. Now, I focus on me and know that I don't need anyone to complete me, and it's gotten quite comfortable.

Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers. When I typed the post, I was so angry and frustrated, my hands were shaking and tears were rolling down my face - Mots came up and got nose-to-nose with me, Elvis climbed up on me, and it was like they were saying "mom..it's gonna be okay". Amazing how much comfort my little furbabies brought me, as well as just reaching out to you all

I made it to work 30 minutes late and am glad I went. It was really busy, just said I had a family emergency (told mgr about stepmom couldn't walk). One of the people who have been giving me problems has quit. Everyone else got along great.

When I got home, stepmom woke up. She got up to get something to drink and her legs went out on her again. It took us 30 minutes to get her back on the couch. I'm thinking it's a ruptured disc, but don't know for sure. She's scared (hell, I'M scared) and feels horrible that dad and I are having to help her. As irritable as I've been, I am full of compassion for her, and in fact, she is the only one I want anything to do with right now. I'm pretty angry with dad and Brit.

Brit called me at 2 a.m., wanting to know the code for dad's internet network. I explained to her that she can't use his network as she is 2 miles from the house. I WANTED to tell her she gave up that privilege when she walked out the door, but just kept my mouth shut. She has spent weeks helping out her best friend's grandmother, when she is sick or ill, but doesn't want to do anything for stepmom. When I got stepmom up onto the couch, she was crying and said "my own daughter wouldn't do that for me". It just broke my heart.

So, it's been an emotional day. I know my dad and stepmom are getting older, as are aunts and uncles, heck I'M getting older. I just don't want to deal with what to do if they can't take care of themselves, and I may have to anyway. I'm not awfulizing, and I'm still taking one day at a time, but I'm also trying to think of options that might be available.

Sorry this is so long. The good news is, I didn't smoke any cigarettes and I didn't use. Actually never even thought about it, once I got to work.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[hydrogirl]

((Amy)) Hope you are resting and that tempers have cooled off a bit today. I'm sorry to hear about your step mom! I know she must be scared, it would certainly scare me!!! Hugs and prayers for healing and for cooler heads to prevail.....

Miss Lisa (Gypsy Feet) I never got to tell you how much I love the new name!!! I'm sorry to hear about your young lady's misadventures out west and glad to know she has returned safely.

SG, I'm glad you were able to visit and enjoy some of the time spent!

Anna, I hope things work out with your job and that you won't have to quit!! Keep us posted.

Thank you, G2B, for my daily educational readings!!!

Hugs and Happy 4th to all!!!!!

HG

[Impurrfect]

Happy 4th!!!

I woke up to the ka-thunk of stepmom falling. She says that when dad lifts her from under the arms it is hurting her in the collarbone area, so now she's scooting around on her butt 'til she gets to where she can pull up on the couch...sigh. She has been using the walker she already had. I really hope this improves for her sake.

Dad and I had a talk and I, again, asked him to watch how Brit and I relate. I know I'm not the relationship expert, but she respects me and she doesn't pull any of the stuff with me that she does with them. Even stepmom said "she would never talk like that to Amy".

I explained to him that she and I used to argue and scream at each other all the time, but I kept paying attention here, learned that "nothing changes if nothing changes" and started trying out things that had worked for my friends from SR.

He said he really appreciated it and would try to put what I told him into action. Since we have had these types of talks before, I have hope but no expectations

I hope everyone has a great day. We are actually supposed to have a "cool" day, only up to about 89 degrees!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy