Codependency and Beyond Part 6

[Impurrfect]

Thanks!! I forgot to tell you about my surprise! I got an invite on facebook from a friend from highschool - we haven't talked or seen each other in about 29 years! I almost didn't respond, as she was in London, visiting her son in the Air Force, seeing her first grandchild and I was thinking - gee, look at my life right now?

But I did respond and I did tell her about the past few years, as well as a quick recap of the other 29. It was neat to hear from her, and if I hear back, that's great, if I don't, it's okay too.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[hydrogirl]

((((Amy)))) You have been handling the situation with your Dad and Brit to the best of your ability....and that's plenty good enough!!! I'm sorry about how hard this had all been for you, I can only just imagine. Extra hugs and prayers!

Hey Lisa, Great attitude and fortitude!!! Your hula hoop is right where it needs to be!

SG, have a great trip!

Grateful!!! Another great reading about going with the flow! I need to just go with the flow myself right now...... It turns out, my future SD and SSIL are expecting their first child a few weeks after our wedding. So, there will be a baby shower, right? She wants to have it the weekend before the wedding (the wedding will be on Tuesday--long story). I have no problem with that because my fiance's family will be in town for the wedding and it will keep people from making two trips. Now here is the catch......she has asked her father if she can have it at our house, the weekend before our wedding, when friends and family are coming in, when there are a million things to do, when I will be moving stuff into the house still........I was floored.....it was like I do not exist at all.

My fiance, of course, said that it would no be possible. What I'm having a hard time with is that our wedding preparations and the fact that I would even have family and friends coming into town never occurred to her. I was really very hurt by her seeming lack of awareness that I might have other things to do and other people to attend to during that weekend.

So here is my question to you wise women (and men): How would this have made you feel? Am I overreacting to this situation? I mean, it is not going to happen at the house because it just can't.....so.....just wash it away with the flow, right? I mean, it's not going to happen so I just need to let this one go........?

Hugs, HG

[Gypsy Feet]

hmmm, does she have experience hosting? Maybe she is truly clueless as to the work involved. My kids would assume they could have it here, because in the past I was wonder woman and would have said yes. Plus, she may be extra self-focused thinking about the baby. For my own sanity, I would let it pass and chalk it up to excitement.

[Impurrfect]

((HG)) - I would have been upset that she even asked. However, after being around Brit and seeing how totally focused on themself kids are, these days, I am learning that after the initial "what the he!! are they thinking?!?!?" I have to let it go. I realize they are older than Brit but some "kids" don't outgrow that "me, me, me" mentality for a while..or ever.

I feel a bit better this morning, funny how that works out I just got an e-mail from the highschool friend. She said that it was great that "we've all done stupid stuff in our lives and I'm glad you think enough of me as a friend to share"...I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders....like the truth is out and she still wants to be friends again...wow!! I KNOW there is more to me than my addiction and codependency but lately that's all I can see. I guess HP brought a friend into the picture to help me open my eyes a bit.

I'm going to head out a bit and do some stores, therapy is at noon. I stayed up a bit last night, Anvil and I were e-mailing about our childhoods and our moms...lot of similarities even though there was a lot of differences if that makes sense? Something she said brought up some funny memories of my mom, and that made me feel a lot better.

I just want to thank you all...no matter what comes up in my life, I know I can get through it with you guys

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Impurrfect]

Before I head out the door, I thought I'd post this here, as I don't think I'm the only one who has a problem with patience


THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Thursday, July 9, 2009

As long as it takes
+++++++++++++++++++

What if you knew that you could reach your goal by taking
just one more step? Would you take that step?

At some point in the process of achievement, the final
hurdle is reached. What a shame it would be to stop just
short of that one last obstacle.

Achievement does not require extraordinary ability.
Achievement comes from ordinary abilities applied with
extraordinary persistence.

You already know you can do what it takes. To reach any
goal, simply do what it takes for as long as it takes.

It's really not that difficult to take just one step, to do
just a single task, to make one bit of progress. And if you
can do it once, you can do it again, and again, and again
without much problem.

Keep the faith and keep up the effort. Your persistence will
get you there.

Ralph Marston

[SerenityGirl]

Thankyou Amy!!! So glad your feeling better today..

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


July 9

Overspending and Underspending


I used to beat my husband to death with my credit card. It made me feel like I had some control, some way to get even with him.

- Anonymous


I spent ten years buying everything for myself at garage sales. I didn't even buy myself a new pair of shoes. The entire time I was depriving myself, my husband was gambling, speculating on risky business deals, and doing whatever he wanted with money. I learned that when I made a decision that I deserved to have the things I wanted, and make a decision to buy something I wanted, there was enough money to do it. It wasn't about being frugal; It was about being a martyr.
- Anonymous

Compulsive buying or overspending may give us a temporary feeling of power or satisfaction, but like other out-of-control behaviours, it has predicable negative consequences.

Underspending can leave us victimized too.

There is a difference between responsible spending and martyred deprivation. There is a difference between treating ourselves well financially and overspending. We can learn to discern that difference. We can develop responsible spending habits that reflect high self-esteem and love for ourselves.

Today, I will strive for balance in my spending habits. If I am overspending, I will stop and deal with what is going on inside me. If I am underspending or depriving myself, I will ask myself if that's necessary and what I want.

[grateful2b]

Years ago, when my daughter was young and I was a single parent, and there wasn't much money, I deprived myself, and it became a habit even when later on I had more money...it was oddly comforting to deprive myself(now I know why)..and it took a while to grow out of that behaviour.
Today, although I have bit more money, I think I have finally found some balance for myself, in taking care of the bills and enjoying treating me.

HG, I would have been irritated that she had not asked...
usually when I find myself in a situation where I feel disrespected by another and am not sure my feelings are justified, I put myself in their place, and chances are I discover that what took place usually didn't have anything to do with me at all..most of the time, it was all about them and they were oblivious..and then of course sometimes I am very justified *smile*

Amy, what a nice surprise, having your old friend pop into your life! a much needed distraction
thank you For Ralph, Amy...
I am sorry home is continuing to be rough, Amy..remember your HP has a reason for it all, and I know you know this, I am just holding it out there...you are in my thoughts and prayers...

[Impurrfect]

I just love my therapist I obviously had to leave out the part of the physical contact, but I told her about the arguing and that it was "about to get physical" and told her how much it is stressing me. We talked about what will happen if he does hit her and goes to jail, how everything will be left up to me because stepmom is not capable of handling bills or the responsibilities of running the house.

She made some suggestions and one was that the next time they get into an argument and are yelling, I need to be calm because "Brit is learning how to handle these situations from you". I was definitely far from calm this last time, but I'm hoping what she said will stick in my mind and I can be calm the next time. She said if it gets out of hand, just call the cops.

She also asked if dad would be willing for him (and stepmom, as she is Brit's guardian) to speak with Brit's therapist, just to get suggestions on dealing with a teen, NOT to get into Brit's therapy. I thought it was a good idea, but stepmom brought up the money, then said "Brit said she'd quit therapy if anyone up there found out what was going on in this house" and indicated that she'll probably stop just because I talked to MY therapist!!! I told her what I talked to my therapist has nothing to do with her or her therapist, and she insists they all talk in the office because that's what doctor's do....sigh. I lied and told her I'd asked my therapist and they don't do that. Forgive me for lying, but this woman just wouldn't stop and I KNOW therapists don't sit around gossiping and talking about their clients!

Anyway, I'd been in a GREAT mood until I talked to her and she about sucked it all out of me again. I was on the phone with her, said "I give up" and hung up (getting really good at that part!!).

When I got home, got to "chat" with my high school friend for almost 2 hours, and it was great! HP definitely had a hand in this, and it has lifted my spirits like you can't believe. I had a very low self esteem, even way back then, at the age of 16, so it's nice to know someone that knew me then, still wants to get to know me again!

I'm about to start studying. I am putting most of my focus on school. That's what's going to get me ahead and moving forward. I told my therapist my favorite word, lately, was "detach" and she just nodded and agreed.

Once again, I thank you all

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Gypsy Feet]

well, as long as I have you girls (and Kevin) fooled!! I went in to work today, talked to my real boss about the stupid probation stuff, and then went to work. About 2 hours into my job I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so I went back in and told the guy who loads our routes for the day that I was sick. He knew what was up, tried to assure me the probation thing was no big deal, no one had ever been fired from it, yadda yadda. I ended up crying, poor guy!

Then I ended up doing a little "retail therapy". I found today's reading so funny, because I had just got back from treating myself to new underthings, $10 sunglasses, shorts on clearance and a racquetball glove. I am a penny pincher whether I am "binge shopping" or not, so I never hurt the wallet too bad.

Then the NEXT place I ended up was standing in front of the open freezer, eating cookie dough ice cream from the cartoon, so much for handling things well haha.
I just got back from beating the tar out of my stress at the gym, and tomorrow I may take off up the coast again. I guess I will find out when I get back whether "the baby" won the pole contest.

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation

July 10

Ending Relationships

It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or work a relationship.

Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.

We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don't want, what we intend to do, we may begin to sabotage the relationship, hoping to force the person to do the difficult work.

Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.

As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.

We are not sparing the other person's feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort - for the other person and ourselves.

If we don't know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.

If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.

Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do.

Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time. If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.


Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.

[Impurrfect]

oooh, I did the sabotaging thing to end relationships rather than do it the right way...guilty as charged

I'm doing my best to type this while being the stuffing in a kitty-cat sandwich Elvis and Mots have me surrounded.

I am finally making progress. Woke up today and decided I will no longer worry, focus, obsess about all this drama going on between dad and Brit. I will deal with what happens, when it happens, but other than that, I will go back to focusing on me.

Of course, I then walk out to the den and find stepmom crying. Upon asking her what's wrong, she tells me she can't remember when she last laughed, says she wishes we could go back in time to when Brit was younger, yada yada yada. I told her that her that I felt they were just throwing Brit away, in a way; that her and dad have "magical thinking". They talk about "I wish Brit would stop cussing and yelling", "I wish he wouldn't have hit her" but when it comes to things that they can do that could actually help this family to get along and work together, they have a million reasons why they won't work. So, I told her "Ya'll just stay miserable and I'll do what I can do for Brit" and went back to my room.

Maybe I've hit bottom. I hope so. I just know I feel a sense of calm that I haven't felt in several weeks, and it feels pretty darned good. I go back to work tonight, and I'm not even stressing about that.

Thanks for putting up with all my stressing out about this for so long. I hate that I had to stress for so long, but I guess what I always heard really is true..."we have to go through what we go through to get to where we're going"

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[hydrogirl]

Awww Amy. I'm sorry to hear about it all....but I'm very impressed with you! You go!!

Maybe your stepmom and dad are getting near their own bottom? Who knows? Stranger things have happened.....

Hugs and prayers, HG

[Impurrfect]

I have to apologize, as I've been hogging this thread. Didn't mean to, and keep trying to turn over all this stuff and actually DO turn it over, but take it back Anyway, I'm sorry for going over and over this stuff!

I finally got hold of my aunt yesterday. She is such a mess..totally codie with her youngest (my cousin, who is 6 months younger than I), but not a codie bone in her body when it comes to me, just full of loving support. She did tell my my cousin had a suspicious mole removed from his forehead and it is a malignant basal cell carcinoma, so she has told him he needs to get a dermatologist/oncologist STAT (see? she has to tell him this stuff and he's 47!) I asked Anvil about it as she works for a cancer research and it's not one of the worst, so that's a good thing.

I took a picture with my phone of Mots at the laptop, paw on the keyboard. Showed it to a buddy at work, and he cracked up laughing and kept laughing all night. I told him Mots was e-mailing He kept asking me "who is your cat e-maling" so I told him he was e-mailing a friend's rottweiler. He couldn't wait to get home and tell his roommates. I'll try to download the pic later and put it on here...it's pretty cute.

I got all spun out in my head, last night, making plans for the "worst case scenario", and finally just said "quit" out loud. Remembered what mom's best friend always tells me "God has you in the palm of His hand", got the visual of that in my head, and I'm just as calm as can be

Serenity is a good thing.

((Grateful)) - I see ((Kat)) is back, and I'm SOOOO glad!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

Amy, I am so glad you are feeling better and more at peace in your spot.
This been an awful week or two for you, but I knew you would find your way through it...I often am amazed by how you manage to be in all that drama and hang on to your recovery the way you do and be such a wonderful example for Brit...it is much easier when we are away from it to stay in our own hula hoops...
Amy, please don't think at all about whether you are hogging this thread, or not...I look forward to your posts and they help me more than you know.

Thanks Amy Yes, my daughter is doing well...I think this might be it for her..
I have had a nerve racking week trying to balance fears over past attempts and letdowns with trying to stay in today and supporting her when she has asked for it, if it is within my power to do.
I did such a good job of detaching that she was disappointed when I was not more excited when she told me she was going to stop.
I did not want to add the the pressure she was under, and its about her not me.
I also need to stay in today for my own recovery.
I told her I was proud of her for wanting to be sober and for finding the courage to fight for her life.
But, surprisingly, it all brought up some mixed emotions.
and of course, stress always throws off my BP, and that always makes any challenge I am going through that much more interesting

Lisa, you always make me laugh, too funny..

[Impurrfect]

(((Lisa)) - oh yeah, so what happened with the pole contest? BTW, cookie dough ice cream is mahvelous!! We have cookie dough milkshakes at work.

Speaking of work, it's almost time to go. I actually had a couple tell me last night that I was an EXCELLENT waitress and offer me a job in customer service, but he didn't have a business card but said they'd be back...we'll see. It was my only decent tip of the night. In case no one's noticed, the economy sucks!!!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


July 11

Bring Any Request To God


Bring any request you have to God.

No request is too large; none too small or insignificant.

How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need.

Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day?

Do we need help in a particular relationship? With a particular character defect? Attaining a character asset?

Do we need help making progress on a particular task that is challenging us? Do we need help with a feeling? Do we want to change a self-defeating belief that has been challenging us? Do we need information, an insight? Support? A friend?

Is there something in God's universe that would really bring us joy?

We can ask for it. We can ask God for whatever we want. Put the request in God's hands, trusting it has been heard, then let it go. Leave the decision to God.

Asking for what we want and need is taking care of ourselves. Trust that the Higher Power to whom we have turned over our life and will, really does care about us and about what we want and need.

Today, I will ask my Higher Power for what I want and need. I will not demand - I will ask. Then I will let go.

[SerenityGirl]

Thanks Grateful for today's reading, when I was reading about requesting anything we need from God for ourselves, it made me realize that almost all my prayers have been for someone else, praying for God to help them. Again all the focus on someone else, instead of myself. Mind you I guess if God would just fix everyone else, then that would make me very happy..lol. Anyway just realizing how codie I am even when it comes to prayers.

((Grateful)) happy for you and your daughter. Please continue to share how you are doing while going through all this. will be thinking about you.

((Amy)) Please share as much as you need...you are helping us too. By the way I love your kitty sandwich. I usually have my kitty on one side and my dog on the other.

((HG)) ((Lisa))

[Impurrfect]

Okay, so here's the picture of Mots sending his e-mail



I posted it on another thread, and then realized all I'm missing is a picture of Patches and I'd have all 3 cats!

It was SOOO busy at work all night, and non-stop. We were running around like crazy, when my buddy Danny suddenly said "ah-me (that's how most of them pronounce my name)..your cat is trying to e-mail you...meeeeeoooooowwwwww". We both just cracked up laughing. It broke the tension up really quick. We have a new guy and even he was laughing, as I'd told him about Mots and shown him the picture. Danny kept up the meowing for a while, and I kept laughing.

My favorite little girl came in. I got to pick her up, hug her and sneak her a quarter for the candy machines. We did have some grumpy people, quite a few that didn't tip well, but it was overall a good night. I really like the new employee and he's not new to the company, just our store which makes it wonderful for me...no training required.

One of my friends/mgr informed me tonight that her daughter has been in jail for 2 weeks. No addiction involved, just driving on a suspended license while on probation for the very same thing. This same daughter has a one-month-old son and a 6-year-old daughter..guess who's been watching the kids when she's not working 10-hour-shifts? This is the 2nd kid she's gotten out of jail since I've known her..the 1st, she got out after having him arrested. I love her dearly, though we've had our disagreements. I feel bad that she never has any money because of her kids, but we all know she's the only one who can change that. All I know to do is pray for her.

((SG)) - I think you're exactly right...if God WOULD fix everyone else, I think all my prayers would be answered too Oh, I don't know...there's still that one about winning the lottery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


July 12

Letting Go Of Fear Of Abandonment


"Where are you, God? Where did you go?"

So many people have gone away. We may have felt so alone so much. In the midst of our struggles and lessons, we may wonder if God has gone away too.

There are wondrous days when we feel God's protection and presence, leading and guiding each step and event. There are gray, dry days of spiritual barrenness when we wonder if anything in our life is guided or planned.

Wondering if God knows or cares.

Seek quiet times on the gray days. Force discipline and obedience until the answer comes, because it will.

"I have not gone away child. I am here, always. Rest on me, in confidence. All in your life has been guided and planned, each detail. I know and I care. Things are being worked out as quickly as possible for your highest good. Trust and be grateful. I am right here. Soon you will see, and know."

Today, I will remember that God has not abandoned me. I can trust that God is leading, guiding, and planning in love each detail of my life.

[grateful2b]

Amy, I feel for your friend...for what she has on her plate..oh my..
and you are right, all you can do is pray..but it is hard to see the suffering that people go through , especially for us codies!

That picture of Mots is adorable!

[liveweyerd]

For years I have not considered drinking milk, this is a faraway leftover from when my children were small and I saved to make sure they always had enough milk, I have been working on allowing myself to drink milk for a few years now.
It seems such a small silly thing, but I think it representative of many things.

I try to set Sundays aside as a special day....I was reading and just ran across this passage from CG Jung: "Only a fool is interested in other people's guilt, since he cannot alter it. The wise man learns only from his own guilt. He will ask himself: Who am I that all this should happen to me? To find the answer to this fateful question he will look into his own heart."
From a book by Thomas Moore

This passage struck me today as I was contemplating how to deal with having become the lightening rod of gossip, looking for criticism and fault from my Bf's relatives.
I know, of course, that what other people think of me is none of my business, yet, I have been ill at ease with it.

Lisa, lady, you are the epitome of cool, I know that I would have lost my calm in a big way being provoked so by daughter.

Amy, dear, my thoughts and wishes go to you. I have, the whole time I have known you marvelled that you could live in and around the situation that you do. you have been an inspiring example of grace all of that time, I would have caved in long ago.
I wish you the greatest peace and resolution which you so richly deserve.

thank you each for your posts, each is a cherished gift,
may this day, the moment you are in be blessed with grace, peace and fullness.

[SerenityGirl]

((Live)) Thankyou for sharing that passage, I have sometimes worried about what others thought of me, I feel I can let go of all that now, since I believe I am making amends now, by living my life the best that I can. I can't change the past, I have forgiven myself and thats most important.

((Amy)) The picture of Mots is so cute.....

((Grateful)) Thankyou for the reading today, I am so thankful that I can trust God to lead and guide me through everything in my life....

[Impurrfect]

((Live)) - so good to see you! I like that passage, too.

I finally got to talk to mom's best friend (mom-Kay) so I've now talked to all my support people and feel much more grounded. It helps that Kay and my aunt have extra insight with my dad, as they have known him for years and years

My mgr got her daugher out of jail and the daughter is supposed to give her some money tomorrow to pay her back part of the money. The daughter had been working up until the baby was born, so hopefully she will be going back to work. The thing is, this friend is so NOT codie when it comes to men, just with her kids. I think some of us are like that...some relationships we are codie, some we aren't? Of course, some of us are just codie to the core

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

Yes, that is interesting, Amy, I too have been codie with my daughter in a huge way but not so much with anyone else..

Tena, I love that passage as well, thank you for sharing it..

SG

Hugs to everyone...