Codependency and Beyond Part 6

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

Sweets, it took me getting real fed up with banging my head against the wall for me to finally accept that no matter what I did or wanted to do to control someone or something outside my hula hoop, it was futile. I WAS powerless and when I gave in, that is when I could see how powerless I really was. the, finally letting go of that, was an unexpected relief.

Hi grateful,

I guess I am still in that middle zone, where I know I can't control things, but find it hard to accept. I'm hoping with time, and reading, and learning, plus talking to all you wonderful ladies on here, I will be able to move forward and change.

It is truly difficult because when you are used to thinking a certain way for so long, it seems almost impossible to change it. I know I know it can be done though. I will keep posting and reading

Thanks again!

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

sweets, as I go through this, I constant remind myself "Their problem, not mine". I first had to accept that rather than that being selfish, it was empowering for them. Rather than believe that I know whats best for someone, I will trust them to live their own best life. So now when I say "Their problem not mine", I can be instantly absolved of trying to control an outcome, or "fix" someone, and guiding my own life is so much easier when it's the only life I am trying to run=)

"Their problem not mine", now that's something I am not used to saying (in relationships, especially)...I like that.

Thanks Gypsy

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by Sweets79

Hi grateful,

I guess I am still in that middle zone, where I know I can't control things, but find it hard to accept. I'm hoping with time, and reading, and learning, plus talking to all you wonderful ladies on here, I will be able to move forward and change.

It is truly difficult because when you are used to thinking a certain way for so long, it seems almost impossible to change it. I know I know it can be done though. I will keep posting and reading

Thanks again!

Sweets, did I tell you I have a really hard head? It took me a long time to get to that point. and we all have our own timetable. I think you're doing great. If it weren't for my daughter and her addiction, I would be still completely unaware that I am a codie!

[SerenityGirl]

((Sweets)) It took me a long time to finally realize I can't control what someone else does, I think I had to hit a bottom and finally just give up. I was so tired of worrying and having a knot in my stomache, and being angry and afraid. I had been sober for a long time but my life was still out of control. So now I am learning to let go and let God a little more each day...Melodie Beatties books are what got me started in understanding this codependency thing. Then I found SR and now this thread is a life-saver for me to keep going. I also think your doing a great job with your recovery!!

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by SerenityGirl

((Sweets)) It took me a long time to finally realize I can't control what someone else does, I think I had to hit a bottom and finally just give up. I was so tired of worrying and having a knot in my stomache, and being angry and afraid. I had been sober for a long time but my life was still out of control. So now I am learning to let go and let God a little more each day...Melodie Beatties books are what got me started in understanding this codependency thing. Then I found SR and now this thread is a life-saver for me to keep going. I also think your doing a great job with your recovery!!

Thank you for that!

I know about the knot in your stomach feeling and waiting for the worst to happen. Not knowing what the person was going to do/not do and what was/wasn't going to happen used to drive me nuts.

I think right now, me not being involved with anyone is the best thing. I'm sure I would be doing the same thing I've been doing, and maybe even drinking again. That's why I think it's so important for me to change this before getting deeply involved with someone.

[Gypsy Feet]

I expect to be nearly unrecognizable after a year of recovery work, and I expect my choice in partners will change quite a bit as well. I am not working the AA recovery program, but I do think waiting a year to become seriously involved is a good idea. Its funny because 6 months ago, I would have already "fallen" for lots of the sweeties on these forums

instead I find I am falling for myself

[liveweyerd]

Yes, I think my first vague understanding was like Lisa's....that is not my problem, that is their problem. I am now trying to reconcile and balance that with compassion.

I did have to make amends to someone because I had not given them dignity and respect because I hated their addiction and the way they treated me.

I am just now beginning to learn that I don't have to be struggling to better (read perfect) myself all the time.
I am learning to relax, to trust and go with the flow.
I am ambivalent about that... part of me says that's just too passive, and the other part loves it.
I will have to find the happy medium there.

I do spend time dodging others' efforts to control me, there has always been a rub there.
But as boundaries become more natural...this becomes somewhat easier..and like Grateful, I am hard-headed...so that those who have known me a long time, know that there isn't much use trying to control me, since I am going to do what I want anyway....and tell them, should they forget, that it is MY life, my business.

Am meeting BF's parents today. I understand that they have a critical nature.
I am truly grateful that I like myself enough now to be fairly certain that I will handle it smoothly overall.
From what I understand, they want their son to be with someone but no one is ever good enough. LOL

We did spend yesterday working like dogs to put his house in order, since he just moved here...and I "crossed the line" and brought some of my things here so that the house is better, more attractively furnished. Some thing I have lots of practice with from the times my mother visits me ....geez, I used to panic so badly that I would clean the bathroom with a toothbrush! LMAO......I was tired and went to bed early so need to get moving to finish up the things I Want to have done....but I will only be using the toothbrush to brush my teeth....I have learned a little bit about "good enough".

For the record, the last time (20 plus) years ago that she blasted and humiliated me about being a terrible housekeeper, I thought about it for a few days after they left and then wrote them a letter telling them I would be happy to make reservations for them to stay at the nearby hotel next time since she was so offended by my home.
The hard-headed part comes to me naturally...they have never again stayed over night in my home and always get a room.
And, yes, my mom's house is cleaner than any hospital!

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


July 7

Getting It All Out


Let yourself have a good gripe session.

- Woman, Sex, and Addiction
Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it's not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really working a good program, we wouldn't need to complain.

What does that mean? We won't have feelings? We won't feel overwhelmed? We don't need to blow off steam or work through some not-so-pleasant, not-so-perfect, and not-so-pretty parts of life?

We can let ourselves get our feelings out, take risks, and be vulnerable, with others. We don't have to be all put together, all the time. That sounds more like codependency than recovery.

Getting it all out doesn't mean we need to be victims. It doesn't mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn't mean we won't go on to set boundaries. It doesn't mean we won't take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. We reach a point of surrender so we can move forward.

Self-disclosure does not mean only quietly reporting our feelings. It means we occasionally take the risk to share our human side - the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness, or lack of faith.

We can let our humanity show. In the process, we give others permission to be human too. "Together" people have their not-so-together moments. Sometimes, falling apart - getting it all out - is how we put it back together again.

Today, I will let it all out if I need a release.

[grateful2b]

We don't have to be all put together, all the time. In the process we give others the permission to be human too. Sometimes, falling apart, getting it all out, is how we put it back together again.

I love this and for me, it is a matter of balancing me....the more grounded I become in my recovery, the more free I feel about letting out my feelings, warts and all. I need to be able to purge some of my feelings at points along the way so I can be truly free to move on.

[Impurrfect]

I posted this morning, then when I just woke up, there was my post - I'd never hit the "submit" button before falling asleep

I was a very different person a year into recovery; another year later...much different again. I truly suspect that I will be quite different again, by the time my 3rd anniversary roles around in March, considering all that I am still working on. I think of things that were HUGE issues, got me all worked up 2 years ago, and am grateful that I have, at least, made some progress, though I still have a long way to go.

I did get a bit of good news at work. I found out that because I have now been there 4 years (today) I am eligible to get my old insurance back, regardless of the hours/week I work. It doesn't cover therepy either, darn it, but it is WAY better coverage and I can also get $1500 dental, compared to essentially none that I have right now.

Today is mom's birthday. She would have been 69, and has been gone 18 years (she died a month before her 51st b'day). I miss her, but am very grateful I have such great memories of her.

Stepmom is able to walk more, now, so this is very good. I was really worried when she couldn't stand without her legs going out underneath her. Brit is still at her friend's, but it's only been 4 days so this is normal for her. She needs time away, but knows I love her and I'll call her in a day or so just to remind her

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

Amy, that is wonderful news about your coverage! I am SO glad for you
And good to hear about your step-mom..phew...she must be feeling a little bit better now that she can move about.
Amy I am with you in spirit today....mom has been in my thoughts all day...a part of me still can't believe she is gone..
I am glad that you and your mom were close, Amy, and that you have such good memories of her, that is a blessing, isn't it..gentle hugs coming your way...

[SerenityGirl]

(((((Amy))))) thinking of you today....

[SerenityGirl]

(((Grateful))) It's good to know that we don't have to have it all together, thank goodness. We do have to go through our growing pains. My thoughts are with you too Grateful.

[Gypsy Feet]

130 in the morning, and I am awake. I woke at 5am, walked 10 miles at work, and then played racquetball, so nothing should be able to wake me yes? Worry is such a powerful thing when it grabs me. My daughter drifts in and out again. She has no money and no job, and does not appear to be looking for one. She was suppose to take the dogs to the groomers for me today, but was a no show-no call. I believe in the grand scheme of things, this will work out to be a small period of her life, but it is so frustrating to live through it.

I put in about 20 bids for promotions at work, now I sit and wait for months, possibly years for the positions to open up. This wouldn't bother me at all, but increasingly I long to be away from here. Away from the on again off again soon to be ex husband, and far enough away from my kid where I don't know if she doesn't make it home 4-5 nights in a row.

I will go read a little from my codependent no more book. Besides helping me cope with my issues, those kids of books are great for putting me to sleep within a page or two haha.

[hydrogirl]

Grateful, what a wonderful reading for those of us who have been taught from an early age to not complain or make waves! I really need to start journaling again!!!! Thank you!!

Many prayers to you, grateful and Amy and your dear mothers.

Lisa, I'm sorry to hear about the child worry! Hopefully she will "figure it out" soon. Good luck with your promotion, that would be great!

Miss Amy, I'm so glad to hear that your stepmom is improving.....has she seen her doctor about her legs? I hope that cold war between your Dad and Brit will heal soon and that your Dad learns his lesson about what works (talking calmly) and what doesn't (hitting). Any new leads on jobs?!

Hi Sweets! One thing that has begun to work for me is.....if I find myself playing an old, self critical, doom-filled tape in my head...I just say STOP to myself. It actually works sometimes!!! Keep up the good work!

Hugs to Anna and SG and Kevin.....and, well, one and all!!!

HG

[SerenityGirl]

From DAY BY DAY, LOVE IS A CHOICE

We codependents often find ourselves rescuing others from their pain, fears and inadequacy. When we remove what could be a logical consequence of their actions, inevitably we set ourselves up to rescue again and again. We develop what is called an enabling role, enabling people to continue in wrong patterns. This is wrong...We need to admit to God, to ourselves and to the other person the exact nature of our wrong. Keeping another person functional in order to feel secure ourselves is wrong. It is wrong to rescue people, in unhealthy ways, from the natural and logical consequences of their actions.

This reading is very important for me to remember, I wanted to share it with you guys.

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


July 8

Going With The Flow


Go with the flow.

Let go of fear and your need to control. Relinquish anxiety.

Let it slip away, as you dive into the river of the present moment, the river of your life, your place in the universe.

Stop trying to force the direction. Try not to swim against the current, unless it is necessary for your survival. If you've been clinging to a branch at the riverside, let go.

Let yourself be moved forward.

Avoid the rapids when possible. If you can't, stay relaxed. Staying relaxed can take you safely through fierce currents.

If you go under for a moment, allow yourself to surface naturally. You will.

Appreciate the beauty of the scenery, as it is. See things with freshness, with newness. You shall never pass by today's scenery again!

Don't think too hard about things. The flow is meant to be experienced. Within it, care for yourself. You are part of the flow, an important part. Work with the flow. Work within the flow. Thrashing about isn't necessary. Let the flow help you care for yourself. Let it help you set boundaries, make decisions, and get you where you need to be when it is time.

You can trust the flow, and your part in it.

Today, I will go with the flow.

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by SerenityGirl

From DAY BY DAY, LOVE IS A CHOICE

We codependents often find ourselves rescuing others from their pain, fears and inadequacy. When we remove what could be a logical consequence of their actions, inevitably we set ourselves up to rescue again and again. We develop what is called an enabling role, enabling people to continue in wrong patterns. This is wrong...We need to admit to God, to ourselves and to the other person the exact nature of our wrong. Keeping another person functional in order to feel secure ourselves is wrong. It is wrong to rescue people, in unhealthy ways, from the natural and logical consequences of their actions.

This reading is very important for me to remember, I wanted to share it with you guys.

SG, I love this, thank you so much for sharing this.. it really hits home for me in a very powerful way..

[Gypsy Feet]

Wow!! Not one but two readings to slap me upside the head. Today my phone was shut off, "the baby" doesn't have the money to pay her part. When I got off work, we went and got separate contracts, so hers is her problem now. At work today I was placed on a form of probation. It super stressed me, and I was really upset/sad/mad. But you know what? Right now, it looks like I may wait a very long time for a permanent job here. I REALLY want out of this house. So, if I lose this job, that frees me to find a full time job where I want to be. No worries.
I love you girls, and Melody. I don't know how I survived in the dark for so long.

[grateful2b]

Lisa, you have such a great attitude...
I am so glad you both have different phone bills...
that is kind of exciting, just letting go of the job worries and opening yourself up to something completely new and different somewhere else...awesome!

[Gypsy Feet]

yes, she and I had a little talk too. She told me her money worries would be over tomorrow night, as they were hosting an amatuer night at the strip club. . .

I didn't react. Then she started on about how even if she finds a job now, she wont get paid for two-three weeks so she wouldn't have gas money to get to work. I told her I was sure that either her dad or I would be happy to loan her gas once she was going to work. She calmed down a bit, ended up applying for work at our cell phone place, and I think I stayed in my hoop really well!

[Impurrfect]

((Lisa)) - what a great attitude!!!

I am still struggling My therapist's office called today, said she was going home sick, and would be on vacation next week. I told them I REALLY needed to see her this week, and had to go to work Fri., so that leaves tomorrow. They got me an appt. for tomorrow.

I am not dealing with this stuff with dad/Brit at all. Dad has been acting like nothing has happened, and I just stuff my feelings. I am angry but I'm trying to do what is best for me and I'm not even sure what that is. I'm also trying to be there for Brit. I talked to dad, again, tonight and told him he absolutely can not hit her again, that there was no excuse for what he did, he got smart and cocky with me. He says he'll "just leave". I asked him to give me power of attorney over everything if he doesn't take care of the bankruptcy first (has an appt. with lawyer on Tue.).

I'd told him how much this had upset me, that I can't even discuss it with my therapist as she would be obligated, by law, to report the abuse to DFACS, and that in all my years of growing up, we'd never had "family secrets" but now we do. He said "I can't fix your problems"...I told him if he just leaves, he's leaving me with all of HIS problems, that I loved him and "thanks a helluva lot" and hung up in tears....again.

Brit is home, and I just spent over an hour getting her phone activated that someone gave her, so I'm a "hero"

I've tried to call my aunt and my mom-Kay, but can't get hold of either. Work should be busy this weekend, so hopefully I can just avoid dad? I know it's not the answer, but it's going to have to work for now.

Maybe, just maybe, one of the many jobs I've applied for will actually call back!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SerenityGirl]

((Grateful)) Another one of my favorite readings, that's what I try to do, just go with the flow, I say that often, it seems to calm me down when I start to feel anxious or get ahead of myself.

((Lisa)) your doing great!!

I will be going on a overnight trip, be back Friday night.

[SerenityGirl]

(((Amy))) sending you prayers, sorry that your struggling. I know I feel very overwhelmed when there has been a big upset with my family. It is so hard to be stuck in the middle and trying to keep the peace. There has been many occasions over the years when there has been a big fight when the family has been together and it is so heartbreaking when things are not resolved at the time. But they do eventually work out, I have had my daughters not talk for a couple of years, also my H and daughter not talking for a long time. But I know now its not my problem what others do, its up to them to work it out, its not my job. I had a counsellor tell me that, when I went to her because of the problems between my H and my daughter. Anyway Amy, thinking of you....

[Gypsy Feet]

(((amy))) You remind me of how lucky I am to have started this process with children who are all adults. When they are still minors, we can't really just worry about ourselves, they really are ours to try and protect and nurture. Your in my thoughts hon<3