Codependency and Beyond Part 6

[51anna]

Wow, I am so far behind on this thread....

Amy, sorry but I absolutely hate the idea of your father getting away with hitting Brit. I have zero tolerance for that. I wish she had called the police. Violence is never the answer and it probably won't stop, unless Brit does something serious about it. I am sending prayers for you and Brit.

Sweets, things will become much easier for you to dismiss, when you know you can't control them. It will take a load off your mind when you can let go. And, I was someone who hated being alone, too and, now, I love it, and in fact, I need it. I think it's about the process of learning to like yourself and to enjoy your own company.

Love after Love

The day will come when with elation
you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror
and each will smile at the others welcome saying,
sit here, eat, you will love again
the stranger who was yourself give wine, give bread,
give back your heart to itself to the stranger who has loved you all your life
whom you ignored for another
who knows you by heart
take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes.
peel your own image from the mirror
sit
feast on your life.

- Derik Walker

[SerenityGirl]

((((Amy))))So sorry for all that you have gone through the last couple of days. But I am so proud of you that you are not using or smoking...

[Impurrfect]

((Anna)) - I agree, and I told him that. He said she said "F-- you, you SOB, and he slapped her". I don't believe there is any justified reason for hitting anyone. On the other hand, if he goes to jail, Brit gets taken to DFACS, we lose the house, and my stepmom and I are on the street because I can't bond him out. The courts in this county are backlogged for almost a year. The only reason my stepmom isn't still in jail is because we bonded HER out with the house. She goes back to court on the 27th, and dad has to go with her.

He told Brit to call the cops, he didn't care if he went to jail, and in all honesty, I don't know if he does care any more. Brit's mad now, but as soon as she wants something, she'll be as sweet as can be. It's almost like a sick game they play. Brit has hit him, before.

I am trying really, really hard to detach from all this stuff again. because right now I feel like I'm suffocating. There really is no "right" way to deal with this. Doing the "right" thing will put dad in jail, Brit in DFACS, we will lose the house and I will be left trying to find a place for my stepmom and I as no one in her family can take care of her and I will not just leave her on her own. That's reality. She annoys me, but I love her and she is family.

I'm going to try to go back to sleep.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation

July 4

Celebrate


Take time to celebrate.

Celebrate your successes, your growth, your accomplishments. Celebrate you and who you are.

For too long you have been too hard on yourself. Others have spilled their negative energy - their attitudes, beliefs, pain - on you. It had nothing to do with you! All along, you have been a gift to yourself and to the universe.

You are a child of God. Beautiful, a delight, a joy. You do not have to try harder, be better, be perfect, or be anything you are not. Your beauty is in you, just as you are each moment.

Celebrate that.

When you have a success, when you accomplish something, enjoy it. Pause, reflect, rejoice. Too long you have listened to admonitions not to feel good about what you have done, lest you travel the downward road to arrogance.

Celebration is a high form of praise, of gratitude to the creator for the beauty of God's creation. To enjoy and celebrate the good does not mean that it will be taken from you. To celebrate is to delight in the gift, to show gratitude.

Celebrate your relationships! Celebrate the lessons from the past and the love and warmth that is there today. Enjoy the beauty of others and their connection to you.

Celebrate all that is in your life. Celebrate all that is good.

Celebrate you!

Today, I will indulge in the joy of celebrating

[Impurrfect]

"You do not have to try harder, be better, be perfect, or be anything you are not. Your beauty is in you, just as you are each moment."

This is the sentence I need to print out and look at every day, I think!

I hope everyone had a good holiday. We had gorgeous weather here. I didn't get to see any fireworks from work Business was incredibly slow, with just a couple of rushes. I am amazed at how people can eat out and not tip.

My mind wants to go into overdrive about all that's going on, so on my way home, I cranked my stereo up so loud I couldn't think of anything but the music Now, I'm too tired to think...it may not be the BEST way of dealing with stuff, but it works for tonight!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[CoDieNOmore]

Originally Posted by Sweets79

I know I enjoy my alone time, but I never felt happy unless I am seeing someone. That sounds terrible as I type it, but it's true. I have started to feel better being alone with myself, but not entirely.

I can relate... I do enjoy my time alone but I always seem to have a relationship going...... I am getting better at this and I'm learning to understand that I don't NEED a romantic relationship in my life to be OK..
Not a easy lessen to learn for me...
Be Well

[CoDieNOmore]

:ghug

Just wanted to give our little group on this site a hug.....
You all ROCK!!!!

[CoDieNOmore]

double post...

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by Sweets79

Hi all,
Has anyone found that with work and time you don't let things get to you as much? And have you also been able to accept and let go of things you can't control? Oh and one more, lol... Do you find in time you actually get comfortable being alone with yourself and enjoy it?

I know I enjoy my alone time, but I never felt happy unless I am seeing someone. That sounds terrible as I type it, but it's true. I have started to feel better being alone with myself, but not entirely.

Sweets, I have always loved being by myself since I was a kid; spent tons of time in the woods with a book and my dog...it was an escape of course, but to this day solitude is something I need on a regular basis.

With my recovery, in time I learned that it was not my job to control or fix everyone as I struggled to learn to bring the focus back to me(that was my hard part) and that I could just let go...and I did and it worked, my life worked...today I have to keep an eye on that line and practice staying in my hula hoop everyday, but I am happy to finally be free to be me and live my life.

Anna I love that piece! I have seen it a couple of times before and it always evokes this wonderful warm and exciting feeling in my heart.

(((Amy))) You , your family and especially your step-mom are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Kendra, ..you rock too

Hugs to everyone

[liveweyerd]

Gee, Amy...is there somewhere you can take yourself...a park, botanical gardens or something like that where it is intrinsically a peaceful place?
I love to go sit next to the water and just listen. (miss the ocean!)

Hey, I really am learning! grin.

I needed to say some very direct things to someone this week, and it has never been something I have been comfortable doing. I care about them, I don't want to hurt them, they easily get their feelings hurt and etc.....however, my last assignment from counselor was to set some boundaries in that area...and yes, I let myself get annoyed enough that it was no longer an option. I had to address it and speak up. And I am glad I did, if I had not..things might have gone on and become unsalvagable.

But, dangit, don't rain on my parade...enough all ready!

I can be happy and enjoy it, one day at a time....without searching for fault and over-analyzing each thing. And I don't need someone feeding pessimism and self-doubt in my ear couched as concern....and telling me my own thinking isn't good enough.
So, I put a stop to it.

I am happy and well, just haven't been on the computer as much.

Ate well at bf's aunt's yesterday and then bf put on an imax of The Magic of Flight, which he knew I would love. Roomie stopped by and he fixed us each a plate of angel food cake, strawberries and whipped cream.

I have been dividing my time between the two places.

So, my diet is not on track....I can only remember when I had a waistline!
UGH!

Back to spinach salads with mandarin oranges and yogurts...which I like...but set that fattening stuff in front of me and all control goes out the window....home cooking is too great a temptation.
And, gee, I promised I would make a big brunch today!
Rolls eyes.

thank you for each post and the readings, they mean so much to me!

hugs to all!
Tena
But I am not giving up.

Just an FYI, but when I had plenty of time to myself, I learned a meditation, that relaxes me and empties (clears) my mind,....I was supposed to continue to an advanced degree...but have simply been using this simplest one, which is now so habitual it is like self-hypnosis...and it really does clear my mind and give me rest...so no more worrying the day over when I lay down at night....I go to sleep in a peaceful state.
I mention it because I hear so many people talk about obsessive or racing thoughts when they lie down at night to sleep.
I am prone to nightmares so it is a crucial practice for me.

[liveweyerd]

Grateful, I, too, have always sought out solitude...as a kid I would be in my room either writing or reading and would be told to come out to the family room with tv to spend time with family.....me, sneaky, would get in the bean bag in front of everyone, snuggle down in it and just keep reading. LOL

I still need time to myself....probably more than most people, but I get overstimulated easily...and can't think without going off and having a talk with myself. LOL

[grateful2b]

You are reading from the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


July 5

Survivor Guilt

We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.

Then , it hits. Guilt.

Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left behind - those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.

We may think about the husband we've divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell upon a child, grown or adult still in pain. We may get a phone call from a nonrecovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.

How can we fell so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and have satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes we can.

And yes it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.

We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.

We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.

Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.

[Impurrfect]

I remember this reading about survivor guilt, probably because it's something I feel Most days I don't, but every now and then it comes creeping back in. Thanks for reminding me this is something I need to keep working on and will mention to my therapist on Wed.

((Grateful)) and ((Tena)) you also reminded me of another trait I have of seeking solitude. As an only child, I had friends growing up, but usually couldn't go out to play after school until mom or dad got home from work. I got used to that time by myself. When mom quit her job when I was a teen, I remember getting mad and telling her "your in my space!!!"

I am about to head to work, hoping it is busier than last night. It was pretty disheartening, giving people really good service and getting either no tip or, at the most, a dollar or two sometimes.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[51anna]

Hi Friends,

I have been scarce the last few days as I have been working a lot. That's a good thing, just a bit short on spare time.


Amy,

Hugs to you and Brit.

Tena,

I'm glad you're doing well and that your life is moving forward.


Sweets,

You are doing great and I hope you can celebrate where you are today. Letting go and focusing on yourself is a really hard thing to do. I think that just being aware that we need to focus on ourselves is a big step.


Hugs to everyone!

I'm heading out for a walk with grandson, daughter and son-in-law. I am SO grateful for those relationships!

[SerenityGirl]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

We may dwell upon a child, grown or adult still in pain. We may get a phone call from a nonrecovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.

How can we fell so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and have satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes we can.

And yes it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.

We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.

We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.

Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.

This is a hard one for me, but it is getting easier, as long as I don't dwell on any situation, but not be in denial of reality, again it comes down to acceptance. I'm not sure if I have worked through my sadness, I have to think about that.
About spending time alone, I love it, I spent alot of time alone when I was a kid too, so am comfortable with it...

[Gypsy Feet]

I had an epiphany this weekend. My on again off again husband was being clingy and antisocial (not unusual for him). I was wishing he would either learn to enjoy going places more, or mind less if I went without him. Then I saw a thread that caught my eye about ruined picnics or something in the F&F section. As I read this post about the parties ruined by this woman's alcoholic S.O., I got really angry and sad remembering just how many times I had to clean puke up, or find him asleep under the bushes, or how his little sister used to "plot" to trick him into smoking a bowl so he would pass out early and not ruin anyone's night.

He is sober now. I know it is not good to hold resentments, but painful memories still hurt, and I obviously have some work to do. I am going to venture into that section a bit more, and plan to research a bit into al anon.

I hope my time here in his garage is near an end.

[Impurrfect]

((Lisa)) - I learned a LOT from the friends & family forum; in fact, I spent more time there than I did the substance abuse forum, once I found it. That's when I realized how much my codie-ness and addiction are intertwined. I realized, one day, there aren't many forums I DON'T "fit" in....sheez!!

((Anna)) - I hope you enjoyed your walk yesterday. It has actually been a bit cooler here, only up to the high 80's, but now it's raining.

Stepmom is still unable to walk without falling. This is pretty distressing to us all, but mostly to her. She's terrified this is permanent; I don't think it is, but assured her that no matter what, we will deal with it - and we will. As much as she can annoy me, I still love her and she and Brit are my family so I'll do what I can.

Work just seems to be an effort lately. Maybe I'm burned out. I keep filling out applications, but haven't gotten one single response. I know it's in HP's time, and time's are tough, but it's still frustrating. However, I will just keep on keepin' on

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Hi Friends,

I have been scarce the last few days as I have been working a lot. That's a good thing, just a bit short on spare time.


Amy,

Hugs to you and Brit.

Tena,

I'm glad you're doing well and that your life is moving forward.


Sweets,

You are doing great and I hope you can celebrate where you are today. Letting go and focusing on yourself is a really hard thing to do. I think that just being aware that we need to focus on ourselves is a big step.


Hugs to everyone!

I'm heading out for a walk with grandson, daughter and son-in-law. I am SO grateful for those relationships!

Hi Anna,

Thanks for the encouraging words

And yes, it is EXTREMELY hard. I am really struggling with it. I feel like I am pushing myself to do things for ME, but I am not used to it and, well, it feels kind of awkward. I am going to keep on doing what I am doing. I know I am on the right track. I do find my old way of thinking is still in me, and it creeps up on me, but I try to push it away.

I still sometimes think, "What good is it anyway" and want a drink, but I know I won't. I just want to keep learning more about this, and stay strong and not go back to drinking.

A big thank you to everyone here for listening and your good advice and kind words. It's nice to finally know what is going on with me, and that I'm not the only one.

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Wow, I am so far behind on this thread....

Amy, sorry but I absolutely hate the idea of your father getting away with hitting Brit. I have zero tolerance for that. I wish she had called the police. Violence is never the answer and it probably won't stop, unless Brit does something serious about it. I am sending prayers for you and Brit.

Sweets, things will become much easier for you to dismiss, when you know you can't control them. It will take a load off your mind when you can let go. And, I was someone who hated being alone, too and, now, I love it, and in fact, I need it. I think it's about the process of learning to like yourself and to enjoy your own company.

Love after Love

The day will come when with elation
you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror
and each will smile at the others welcome saying,
sit here, eat, you will love again
the stranger who was yourself give wine, give bread,
give back your heart to itself to the stranger who has loved you all your life
whom you ignored for another
who knows you by heart
take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes.
peel your own image from the mirror
sit
feast on your life.

- Derik Walker

The problem with me is I know I can't control them, but I let it get to me that I can't. Actually, I think a couple of years ago, I thought maybe I could control things to a certain extent, but deep down I knew it was impossible.

I think the idea that I can't have control over certain things and outcomes drives me mad. That's what I really have to work on. I'm not really sure where to start though. Reading has helped me alot thus far.

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and have satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes we can.

And yes it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.

I felt guilty for some time as I worked my recovery while my daughter continued to use . It was an awful feeling. As time went on, I began to understand, how I was not responsible for my daughter's process, only mine, and I could see her process more clearly and how important it was for her in her life.
And an unexpected blessing was seeing her watching me work my recovery, and the positive impact it had on her.

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation


uly 6

Step Seven

Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings


- Step Seven of Al-Anon


In the Sixth and Seventh Steps of the program, we become willing to let go of our defects of character - issues, behaviors, old feelings, unresolve grief, and beliefs that are blocking us from the joy that is ours. Then we ask God to take them from us.

Isn't that simple? We don't to contort ourselves to make ourselves change. We don't have to force change. For once, we don't have to "do it ourselves." All we have to do is strive for an attitude of willingness and humility. All we have to do is ask God for what we want and need, and then trust God to do for us that which we cannot do and do not have to do for ourselves.

We do not have to watch with bated breath for how and when we shall change. This is not a self-help program. In this miraculous and effective program that has brought about recovery and change for millions, we become changed by working the Steps.

Today, God, help me surrender to recovery and to the process by which I become changed. Help me focus on the Step I need. Help me do my part, relax, and allow the rest to happen.

[Impurrfect]

((Sweets)))

I think the way it finally started "sinking in" for me about the control thing was that I read a lot (both here and Melody's books) about it. Then when I would find myself getting frustrated about something, I would make myself take the time to figure out what it was I was really getting frustrated about. A lot of times it was that I was not in control of the situation - someone wasn't doing what I wanted.

The more I've become aware of this, the better I've become at accepting I can't control people and things. I still have my moments/days, but I'm a lot better than I used to be.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by Sweets79

The problem with me is I know I can't control them, but I let it get to me that I can't. Actually, I think a couple of years ago, I thought maybe I could control things to a certain extent, but deep down I knew it was impossible.

I think the idea that I can't have control over certain things and outcomes drives me mad. That's what I really have to work on. I'm not really sure where to start though. Reading has helped me alot thus far.

Sweets, it took me getting real fed up with banging my head against the wall for me to finally accept that no matter what I did or wanted to do to control someone or something outside my hula hoop, it was futile. I WAS powerless and when I gave in, that is when I could see how powerless I really was. the, finally letting go of that, was an unexpected relief.

[Gypsy Feet]

sweets, as I go through this, I constant remind myself "Their problem, not mine". I first had to accept that rather than that being selfish, it was empowering for them. Rather than believe that I know whats best for someone, I will trust them to live their own best life. So now when I say "Their problem not mine", I can be instantly absolved of trying to control an outcome, or "fix" someone, and guiding my own life is so much easier when it's the only life I am trying to run=)

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by Impurrfect

((Sweets)))

I think the way it finally started "sinking in" for me about the control thing was that I read a lot (both here and Melody's books) about it. Then when I would find myself getting frustrated about something, I would make myself take the time to figure out what it was I was really getting frustrated about. A lot of times it was that I was not in control of the situation - someone wasn't doing what I wanted.
The more I've become aware of this, the better I've become at accepting I can't control people and things. I still have my moments/days, but I'm a lot better than I used to be.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy

Hi Amy,

Thank you so much for that. I got alot out of it. "Someone wasn't doing what I wanted". That really strikes a chord with me, because many times that has happened and I would drive myself mad trying to figure out why, and wondering if there was anything I could do to change it. That really can drive someone crazy!

I am still about half way through the book. I need to lay down, get comfy with it, and read some more