Codependency and Beyond Part 6

[Anna]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy-reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth.

Now it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in.

When we can do that, we will be moved forward .

Absolutely perfect words, Grateful!

[grateful2b]

yes, I was excited when I saw today's passage
what wonderful reinforcement!
Anna, your day at the festive sounds so wonderful...that is my kinda good time!..wish I were there ...

[Impurrfect]

((Anna)) - the jazz festival sounds awesome!

I have used denial way too often. My instinct is to still use it, but I think I'm more aware of it now, so it doesn't work as well. Stepmom, on the other hand, is a master of it.

The birthday party is tonight, and there will be all kinds of teenagers here at the house, down in the basement. I have given myself permission to NOT be in charge, no matter what time I get home. I would actually go stay in a motel, but I want to come home and get my cats settled in...having all the extra kids will stress them out. I've got the earplugs ready.

I decided to take a test on the medical terminology and made 100 I don't remember ALL of it, but enough that it will be a very easy course and a much needed break from the math stuff.

Dad called today to tell me he may have some extra work for me, coming up (some short delivery trips). Although it's nice to make a little extra money, I don't really know when he expects me to fit in these trips between the 2 jobs and school? I just told him "thanks, but lets not forget my JOB this time, okay?"

I can't tell him I don't want to do any trips, because some of them work out and I don't mind doing them. It's just that he gets excited, thinking about more work for me, and I get overwhelmed...and nothing has actually happened...it's all stuff that MAY come up

Trying to get motivated for work. Wonder if the menopausal maniac is speaking to me THIS week? I need to sic Brit on her

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Mariposa18]

I'm in some serious Denial right now about my life...and continue to push the thoughts away instead of dealing with it because I'm not sure if I'm ready.

I know it might sound silly, but my Daughter is starting school next month. For the first time since I was 20 years old I won't have a child to take care of in the house. I guess I just feel like "What do I do know? What else am I good for?" Dare I call it an immensely early mid-life crisis? *sigh* I feel so confused and lost...

[Anna]

Omigosh, Mariposa, that's Empty Nest Syndrome!

I felt the same way. Empty Nest Syndrome was kind of imposed on our family because my husband needed to move for a job change. So, my daughter was 18 and my son was 20, both in university, and they couldn't move with us. So, they both left home on the same day as we moved away. The months leading up to it, I was a mess. Have faith that you will get through this and trust that you will find things to do that fill you with joy.

[grateful2b]

yes, Mariposa, I agree with Anna...
been there, got the teeshirt...and you know whats funny?..I would say for years: "when I get to that point, I'll be okay, I'll be glad to have my life back"...hahaha!
I struggled with it ....books about it and talking to women going through it, helped me so much.

oh Anna, being wrenched away from both kids on the same day? I can't imagine how that must have been for you..

[MycoolFitz]

“When we take loved objects into our egos with the hope or expectation of having them forever, we are deluding ourselves and postponing an inevitable grief. The solution is not to deny attachment but to become less controlling in how we love.”—Mark Epstein.

[Gypsy Feet]

When "The Baby" started school, thats when I got really busy with her life! Water polo matches, volunteering in class, homework, making indian girl costumes for . . .I have know idea what haha.

When all of my children had moved out, I spent some time adrift. I did not realize that it was time to focus on me. It took 4+ long years of trying to fill that hole before I found SR and realized I was a codie with no one to coddle, and no life to orchestrate save my own. Luckily for me, my own life needs LOTS of work=) You found this place at just the right time Suz, your going to be o.k. *hugs*

Amy: Great work on the tests!!

Things at the house are real bad. I find myself "deer caught in the headlights" often, and struggle to let it pass. Its so sad that he is so self destructive. I remember just a short time ago, I was practicing my beginner prayers asking God to let my find love with this man again. It would have been so much easier on the surface.

I keep tripping out on the fact that it is like a light switch. If I stay, he is a happy guy, if I go his life is a shambles. But that's the fallacy right? How can he be a well adjust happy dude one day, and a raging, dark, hopeless drunk the next, based on me?

Anyway, peace love and puppy dogs to you all. Despite all this madness, I am feeling pretty strong. I have been eating great, working out at the gym, and I believe the answer to my problem will be discovered sooner rather than later.

[grateful2b]

Welcome Mycoolfitz and thank you for sharing

My money is on you Lisa...you will be through this sooner rather than later...
whenever I struggle with denial and/or letting go, it is usually because my focus is on the other person and what they are/aren't doing and what I want them to do, instead of focusing on me. When I am honest with myself, I can see more clearly what I need to do for me.

[SerenityGirl]

((Grateful)) Thankyou for todays reading. Yes, I have had my share of denial and still in denial about somethings that are just too hard accept for now.

((Mariposa)) When my youngest graduated from Kindergarten, that was pretty hard for me. I had tears during the little grad ceremony. So I understand..now all my kids have flown the coup!!!

((Anna)) Have fun at the Jazz Festival!!!!

((Amy)) good luck at work tonight and also with that party going on at your place.

(((Lisa)))

Thanks for sharing ((Mycoolfitz))

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by SerenityGirl

((Grateful)) Thankyou for todays reading. Yes, I have had my share of denial and still in denial about somethings that are just too hard accept for now.

yes,I was thinking that after I posted to Lisa...I can only acknowledge what is on my plate, or in other words what is within my sight...what I am not ready to deal with, has its own time and will surface when I am ready to deal with it....and thats ok..and a good thing to.....can you imagine if we had to do all the work at once?

[lunarise]

Group

[Impurrfect]

Work was busy and we ended up being 3 people short for a while, thanks to people being late and someone else leaving early. I said I was going to come in late AND leave early on the same day to get them all back!

I got home, 2 girls are in the carport (it's almost 3a.m.) and Brit's best friend is yelling down the basement stairs. Doesn't take long to find out things are not going well. Apparently, some of the girls that were at the party took off with the boys, and everyone has left. Brit is heartbroken and furious, and from the way she was walking, she looks drunk.

Stepmom came walking up from basement, carrying Brit's laptop. Dad came walking out of their room, said he was going to go to sleep in his van. I was staying out of it. Things got louder, and a few minutes ago, dad/stepmom/Brit were all talking with voices raised, Brit was crying, etc. Normally, I would be in there, trying to smooth it all over, tub I let them deal with it. Don't have a clue what it was about, and now all is quiet again. Gee, I guess they DON'T need me to fix everything, huh?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Impurrfect]

oops, forgot - stepmom offered me a pain pill if I would give her one of the pills they give me for sleep. I told her "no", that they give me exactly enough for one a night and no extra...same thing I've told her before. She was not happy.

I do feel bad for Brit. She worked really hard to have everything just right for this party. It seems every time she invites any girls over here, they steal from her or something goes wrong. Unfortunately, you can't tell her that she needs to work on making better choices in friends.

Okay, now I'm really done

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[hydrogirl]

Good morning, all!

Anna!! Have a great time at the festival....I looooovvvee jazz!

Denial is probably why I married my ex-husband. I denied my own feelings that this really might NOT be the best thing for me and just went with the momentum of the wedding plans....not the best choice, but I suppose we all do things that aren't brilliant when we are young. Now, perhaps, I over analyze every feeling I have....but I am learning to find that middle ground ((Grateful)).

((Amy)) nice work staying in your hula hoop! I'm sure you will hear the whole story soon. What a shame that Brit did not have a good time.

(((Lisa))) Things will work out. Just keep working on your plan, be pleasant if conversation is required, remember his happiness is his responsibility!

Hugs and prayers to you all (SG, Mariposa, Vivid)! Thanks for all of your shares, they help me very, very much.

HG

[Gypsy Feet]

its 530 am. he is still up and cybering on the net, I am off to help my baby sister move in to her first new house. Good for you Amy, avoiding the whole thing! My daughter is unfortunately still making those choices in friends, but I don't regret my bumpy road and this one is all hers.

Anna, hows is the new grand baby?

Did I tell you all she waitresses at a strip club now? Well, last night she was talking lots about the dancers making far more money. I took it for as long as I could and then just said "I am not comfortable lying to your grand parents/aunt. You are already avoiding them because you aren't either, keep that in mind". She hasn't spoken to any of them since she got the job, and my daughter normally calls everyone with every success in life. We had a nice dinner out together though. Anyway, have a lovely weekend all, I'm going to go steal nephew kisses!

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation

July 25

Keep At It


Keep practicing your recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven't quite taken yet, even if you don't get it yet.

Sometimes it takes years for a recovery concept to move from our minds into our heart and soul. We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort, and repeated practice we applied to codependent behaviors. We need to force ourselves to do things even when they don't feel natural. We need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves even when we don't believe what we're saying.

We need to do it, and do it, and do it - day after day, year after year.

It is unreasonable to expect this new way of life to sink in overnight. We may have to "act as if" for months, years, before recovery behaviors become ingrained and natural.

Even after years, we may find ourselves, in times of stress or duress, reverting to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

We may have layers of feelings we aren't ready to acknowledge until years into our recovery. That's okay! When it's time, we will.

Do not give up! It takes time to get self-love into the core of us. It takes repeated practice.

Time and experience. Lessons, lessons, and more lessons.

Then, just when we think we 've arrived, we find we have more to learn.

That is the joy of recovery. We get to keep learning and growing all of our life!

Keep on taking care of yourself, no matter what. Keep on plugging away at recovery behaviors, one day at a time. Keep on loving yourself, even when it doesn't feel natural. Act as if for as long as necessary, even if that time period feels longer than necessary.

One day it will happen. You will wake up, and find that what you have been struggling with and working so hard at and forcing yourself to do, finally feels comfortable. It has hit your soul.

Then, you go on to learn, something new and better.

Today, I will plug away at my recovery behaviors, even if they don't feel natural. I will force myself to go through the motions even if that feels awkward. I will work at loving myself until I really do.

[lunarise]

Fantastic! Thanks for sharing that.

Still have my head in the book.

This morning I read about trusting my mind. hmmm I used to trust it inherently. Then I met my huzzy. It is a habit or shall I say obsession that things can always be better than they are. Nothing is good enough ever, including my ideas. So I chose to start believing him at some point which has damaged my self esteem greatly. At my core I am not like that. I have even caught myself pickin gup that very trait. At my core I am satisfied with most things as they are and I dont ruminate about them or question them to much unless they are of actual importance. I also was not always afraid of being "wrong" or making the "wrong" choice. Now I get all nervous about it and think over and over what would huzzy do what would huzzy do, just so I wont have to listen to him critisize my decision because I am looking for approval from him, some isgn that he thinks that I am smart and able on my own. But the thing I realized is that I dont think that he thinks that about himself so how could he not do to im that which he puts himself through, a rigorous self critical cant ever be wrong attitude. Knowing all this now makes me sad for him. but some part of me still wants his approval, and no matter how I try I know I will not get enough of it. I need my own first. I need to be solid in myself first, no matter what anyone thinks really.

Thanks for being here guys!

[Impurrfect]

Funny, it doesn't always feel like "joy of recovery" when I realize how much more I have to learn

((Lisa)) - good for you at stopping "baby's" conversation and putting it back on her!!

((hg)) - I think my dad's present marriage was done in denial, and I know I've done some things in denial, too. I've found out denial can be very, very strong.

No drama here today, so far. I will be going to work soon. Dad had said he was going to work on his stores today, as "I've got to get them done"...then he calls me and wakes me up and tells me to call him when I wake up? Anyway, he's on another trip he says he "couldn't turn down". I've made it clear that I can't help him with his stores - my plate is full this month.

Unfortunately, I already know if he asks me to help him out and I say "no" I'm going to feel guilty, even though I have no reason to That's the codie stuff I can't get past....yet. I'm working on it, though.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SerenityGirl]

Today's reading is very good, Thanks Grateful

Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death, July 25, 1978. It was the hardest time of my life when I lost him, but I don't feel sad, I have many wonderful memories of him and I feel he is still with me.

[grateful2b]

SG, how wonderful, that you have such lovely memories of your Dad, and that you can remember him without the heaviness of grief...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your Dad today

[grateful2b]

Otter and Dignity

[Impurrfect]

((SG)) - I'm so glad you have wonderful memories of your dad.

Things are back to normal around here. Brit even wrote dad a note apologizing for being a "brat" and thanked him for her party, telling him she had a good time. He just got home from a trip a few minutes ago.

I asked him to please not mess up on the merchandising/stores job we have, as it has been a dependable source of income for both of us, and he agreed and said he was working on it all this week (the stores have to be done by the end of the month).

Stepmom met with her lawyer yesterday. Lawyer is trying to get the DA to accept: the night she spent in jail as "time served" and a $200-$500 fine. She said that stepmom cannot physically do community service and cannot mentally withstand a trial (because of her "nerves"). Although this seems as an easy way out, I think it's pretty sad that stepmom is in this condition. She is not even on the court calendar yet, so I don't know when we will find out if this stuff is accepted.

Work was okay, pretty slow. The menopausal maniac actually talked to me and was nice!!! I've been talking to her, whether or not she responded back. For the time being, everyone is getting along, and it is wonderful.

Hope everyone has a good Sunday - time for me to go to sleep!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[hydrogirl]

(((SG))) I'm so glad you have great memories of your father. It's funny, I find my temperment and personality to be much closer to my Dad's than my Mom's. I seem to be able to talk to him in a much more straightforward manner without all the mother/daughter stuff in the way. Extra hugs and prayers for you at this time.

Lisa....I agree with Amy that you did a good job by allowing your daughter to accept all of the consequences of her job choices!

Amy, it sounds like it was a good day/night. That's great! Take 'em as they come.

Vivid....seeking approval from others in order to feel good about oneself is classic codieness and something I have in spades. We just have to learn that we are just fine as we are and continue to do the best we can. We have a right to make our own decisions about our lives and others have a right to make decisions about their own lives. This separation is hard to accept for us sometimes (OK....more than sometimes).

This reading is wonderful ((((Grateful))))....it just reminds me that I need to renew my energy toward growing and changing each and every day even if I feel as though I am not making any progress....I am.

Hugs and prayers to all! HG

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

Did I tell you all she waitresses at a strip club now? Well, last night she was talking lots about the dancers making far more money. I took it for as long as I could and then just said "I am not comfortable lying to your grand parents/aunt. You are already avoiding them because you aren't either, keep that in mind". She hasn't spoken to any of them since she got the job, and my daughter normally calls everyone with every success in life. We had a nice dinner out together though. Anyway, have a lovely weekend all, I'm going to go steal nephew kisses!

Boy, Lisa, I sure do admire your strength in dealing with your daughter on this...Holy Cow.. I know I would find it difficult ...Good for you for calling it the way you did..

I hope everyone is having a great weekend..It has been raining here almost the whole month...got up this morning...yup...rain..