Codependency and Beyond Part 5

[grateful2b]

Here is the link to part 4:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-4-a-20.html (Codependency and Beyond Part 4)


You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

May 27

Recognizing Choices

We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.

We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors - such as caretaking or controlling.

Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. when we hear ourselves say, "I have to take care of this person...." " I have to try to control that person..."

"I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way...."

We can know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else's rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.

Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.

[grateful2b]

(((((Anna)))))

[Impurrfect]

(((Anna))) - I'm sorry. The "head spinning" and guilt is awful. Take some deep breaths, then think about the new grandbaby, would be MY suggestion, but then babies always make me feel better

(((Live))) - I know nothing about herbs, but Anvil just planted all kinds of herbs, so maybe pm her? Brit and I are going to a "birthday bash" with several hip-hop stars..., unless you're into rap and hip-hop, you won't know any of them People laugh when they realize I like that music, as I'm a bit OLD for it, but Brit loves it that we listen to the same stuff. The concert starts at 6, and doesn't end until about 1 a.m.? She wants me to take her to my work, afterwards, so she can meet everyone.

I am heading out to do my merchandising, here shortly. Still not really enthused about it, but hopefully will get that way once I'm out the door.

((HG)) - I'm glad you realize that everyone is just concerned about you on the other thread. Back when I posted about what was going on here, and I got a lot of comments about how Brit would be better off in foster care, I could see where they would think that, but I certainly don't agree. No matter how much we write, everyone still only sees part of the picture.

Wow, can you guys believe we're already on part 5???

((SG)) - how are you doing today, sweetie?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SerenityGirl]

I am doing good, Amy, you and Brit have fun at the concert....
Yes, isn't it great that we are on part 5!!!!!!Thanks Grateful!!!! (((Anna))) its must be hard dealing with your Dad, when he lives so far away, thats great that he is finally going to move into a home, then you will know he is being taken care of...

[Impurrfect]

I actually had a good day today, and guess who I found? Just a few glimpses of the "old me"!! A very pleasant surprise.., though I must have looked quite silly, driving down the road, talking to myself, saying "hey you, where ya been all this time?" I hadn't even taken any medication, at all, but it did remind me to take the anti-d, so maybe I can see MORE of the old me.

Dad is going to talk to a bankruptcy lawyer next week. His pride is taking a beating, and he's scared they will try to take his van, which is his only means of income, but I keep telling him that he is just checking out his options right now and not to "what if"..let's deal with "what is". Obviously, this affects us all, as he's the main breadwinner in the house. It would be a HUGE weight off his shoulders, though, if this works out. I keep telling him not to be ashamed. He's done his best, but you can't make work happen when the economy takes a nosedive.

More stores tomorrow. It couldn't decide whether to be sunny or storming today and I think tomorrow is supposed to be the same. Patches has taken over the dog's spot on the couch, so we have a pouting chihuahua...nothing a piece of bologna won't fix

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[hydrogirl]

(((Anna))) My mother and her sister had to put their mom into a nursing facility, but my Mom lived nowhere nearby....so she could not visit very often or help very frequently. It did work out OK though. You can only do the best you can...and that is good enough. Please take good care of yourself.

((Amy)) Sounds like it was a nice moment to meet the old you again. Have a great time at the show with Miss Brit!

Thank you, Grateful, for the readings!!! I keep learning, and keep growing!

Hugs to all,
HG

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

May 28

Letting Go Of Self-doubt

A married man who had recently joined Al-Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two children, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. "I want to separate from my husband," she sobbed. "I can't stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me," she said, "do you think I can take care of myself?"
-Codependent No More

Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.

Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, may have come to believe, from our past or present circumstances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.

No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.

We can take care of ou selves - whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.

Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn't mean we won't have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice "courageous vulnerability" as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.

Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.

[grateful2b]

I remember in my very early twenties, being terrified of having to be alone because it meant I had to take care of me. I wanted so much for someone else to do that...I did not know at the time that I was codependent or why a perfectly healthy, intelligent and capable girl would be so convinced she needed someone else to take care of her..
but the fear was real...I could not see past it..
Over the years and with therapy, I learned to like and came to love who I was and the way became clearer..
Today, I now know I can take care of myself, even tho I can have my days
I am just so darn thankful that I no longer need to live in fear of anything...doesn't mean I won't fear things...but that I am grounded in the belief that I am whole, capable, worthy and enough..

[grateful2b]

((SG))...backatcha..partner

((Amy))...my prayers for the best outcome for your dad next week...

[Anna]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

I remember in my very early twenties, being terrified of having to be alone because it meant I had to take care of me. I wanted so much for someone else to do that...I did not know at the time that I was codependent or why a perfectly healthy, intelligent and capable girl would be so convinced she needed someone else to take care of her..
but the fear was real...I could not see past it..
..

Wow, Grateful, it was exactly like that for me.

And, it was also difficult because I was a military wife, moved constantly and my husband travelled a LOT, leaving me at home with two children. My anxiety was through the roof, and I didn't even know enough to know what it was about. I looked around me at other women who were coping, and felt so inferior. Sigh...

Now, I love to have a few days on my own and in fact, I become miserable if I don't get regular 'alone' time.

[BigDreams1]

Hello, again.
I'm so glad to see you are all still here supporting each other and "keeping on". Since we last spoke, I traveled with 50 students and several chaperones to Knoxville, TN for the global competition of Destination Imagination (creative problem solving). It was a 16 hour- sleep on the bus down and back thing...and I almost backed out because of the shame of my son's addiction and the fact that (as I suspected) pretty much the whole school and town knows now. But I decided to go...and it was good for me...if only just for the distraction...the not having to ruminate again about all my son threw away to get high.

I got back last Sunday...had to go into work and correct finals and post grades...then we left Monday morning for family vaca. Decided to take the son after a family vote outnumbered me. I was very concerned about what having him along would do to the rest of us...but here we are on the edge of the Boundary Waters...and it's nice.

I can't say I'm not still angry at him...but at least he seems to be opening up and getting honest with some stuff. He's the son I knew up here...but I'm not stupid. I know it's fairy tale up here with no bad friend influences and no pot availability and fresh air and sunshine and hiking and boating. When life gets real again...I"m pretty sure he still has some falling to do before he really climbs out....but I gotta say...a break from reality is nice sometimes.

I think about you all often and thank God you were there when my life crashed down around me. I have few friends and a strained marriage...and really had no where else to go. I hope someday we can meet. I think that would be fun.

God bless you all...and I'll jump in again when I'm back to civilization. Let's trade prayers for our kids!

Thanks
BigDreams

[Impurrfect]

(((BigDreams))) enjoy your vacation. Don't worry about the past, right now, nor the future...just enjoy the present.

I finished my stores today!! I actually did more than I have in a long time, so that's a good sign that my energy is slowly coming back.

Stepmom got notice of her court date for the fraudulent prescription charge..Tue., June 9th. She's terrified. I'm pretty sure she will just get probation and a fine, as she has never been in any trouble with the law. After thinking for a while, I decided I will go with her and dad (he has to go as he put the house up for bond). Neither of them understand stuff like this, and I understand VERY well. That day will also be the 18th anniversary of my mom's death

I was telling Brit, we are both at the age, where in 3 years, we'll be at the age when our mom's died..her's at 18, mine at 50. Not only that, her mom would now be 33, which is the age I was when her mom died. It wasn't a morbid conversation..I was just telling Brit, who is now old enough to appreciate it, that life is never guaranteed and you'd best appreciate every single minute you get! I never realized my stepmom was a widow at 39, until today!

I'm trying to stay in my hula hoop. With all the stuff going on...bankruptcy, court date..it would be easy to get swept into stuff that's not mine. I actually was a bit short with stepmom when she first told me about the court stuff, but then I remembered how scared I was. She wants me there because I don't judge her (dad does), and that's a compliment to our relationship. Luckily, I have my counseling appt. right before all this happens

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SerenityGirl]

(((Big Dreams))) great to hear from you again, I think it's very good that your son is with you on this trip, he still needs his family even if he doesn't realize it. You sound like you are doing great handling everything, happy for you!!!! Like Amy says just enjoy the present....and yes we will trade prayers for our kids....bless you too!!!

(((Amy))) Lots going on there with your family...sending prayers for all of you!!!!!

[SerenityGirl]

((Grateful)) I also was very insecure in my twenties, I was so afraid of being alone. It didn't help being married to an alcoholic and womanizer. He actually was having an affair with a so-called friend of mine, can you believe it. I can't believe what I put up with, with him, just so I wouldn't be alone. Actually, it was when I was in my twenties that I started to have a drinking problem, that's how I coped, but of course it just made things worse, Thank God I quit drinking in my early thirties. You know, just writing about this now is making me feel anxious, I don't know why.

[Gypsy Feet]

Hi all=) I got in from Yellowstone last night, I am super tired from the trip. I want to catch up with everyone today. The trip was nice, but I came home with mental baggage galore to sort.
The trip started off with a call from my daughter. We were at the Hoover Dam, she called from Needles to say she had been kicked out of the Havasu house she was spending Memorial weekend at for being too drunk. She was stranded hours from home, no car, no money, mostly dead phone battery. I tried to tell myself she was a grown up and would have to deal, my step son drove out to pick her up. She didn't call or message me on my birthday(wed), I got a short text thurs. Things with my on again off again husband and my daughter are driving me nuts today. It is time for me to move out and on. I am not real clear on how to do either. Bought a bunch of "self help" books on the trip, I think I'll grab one now.

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

May 29

Powerlessness an Unmanageability


Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking.

Surrender is.

"I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process," said one recovering woman.

"I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself to be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.

"I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me.

"I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy. What I am saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!

"By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life."

In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.

Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Now, I love to have a few days on my own and in fact, I become miserable if I don't get regular 'alone' time.

Isn't it a blessing that we can and do grow into the people we are meant to be...
Today, solitude is one of my greatest joys...and one of my fundamental needs...
I loved your share on another thread, Anna, ..from Mia Farrows book: 'what falls away' - everything that you believed about yourself that wasn't true...I loved that...


(((SG))) that must have been such a difficult time in your life....

[grateful2b]

(((BigDreams))), I am so glad you have had a break from things for a bit and what a lovely break!

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned to live in the moment, because that is truly all there is...

I found out last night that my daughter has been sober 9 days and is doing research on rehabs and has narrowed the search to three..

There was a time when I thought when this moment came that I would be relieved and excited....I am neither...but I am hopeful for her...

What she does from here on out has nothing to do with me, it is not about me; how she proceeds and what the outcome will be, will be all hers...her successes and her failures.....

It is critical for me to understand that, for me to truly let her rise or fall and be fully responsible for the outcome...

It is critical for her to understand that I believe that..in order for her to get on with and take full responsibility for her life..



(((Lisa))) Glad to hear you are ready to move forward...good for you!

Prayers for all our children

[hydrogirl]

Big Dreams and Grateful....many prayers for your children and for you!

SG and Anna....it is interesting to look back on how we felt when in our 20s versus today. I would never have believed myself capable of some of the things I have accomplished.

Lisa, I'm sending you special hugs and encouragement as you decide on the "next right thing" for your life.

Amy, special prayers for you, Brit, your Dad and step-Mom.....I do hope that all will work out for the best!

I am currently horrendously sleep deprived....we have been moving my fiance into our new house, and when I get back to my home last night and am getting ready for bed, I encounter my big phobia--the giant cockroach (Amy and those who have spent time in the South will know the beast of which I speak). By the time I grab my can of Raid, the little devil was nowhere to be seen. Me, crying, heart pounding, sweating, shaking, spent most of my night trying to find it....spraying under every piece of furniture .....finally collapse with the covers over my head (Maybe 2 am?) and when I get up at 6 this morning.....he's dead in the middle of my bathroom floor

Oh well, it's going to be a long day, but tonight I should be able to get a better night's sleep.

Hugs to all! HG

[grateful2b]

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

May 30

Commitment

As we walk through life, there are many things and people we may lose, or lose out on, if we are unwilling to commit. We need to make a commitment for relationships to grow beyond the dating stage, to have the home or apartment we want, the ob we want, or the car we desire.

We must commit, on deep levels, to career - to goals - to family, friends, recovery. Trying something will not enable us to succeed. Committing ourselves will.

Yet, we need never commit before we are ready.

Sometimes, our fear of commitment is telling us something. We may not want to commit to a particular relationship, purchase, or career. Other times, it is a matter of our fears working their way out. Wait, then. Wait until the issue becomes clear.

Trust yourself. Ask your Higher Power to remove your fear of commitment. Ask God to remove your blocks to commitment. Ask God for guidance.

Ask yourself if you are willing to lose what you will not commit to. Then listen, quietly. And wait until a decision seems right and comfortable.

We need to be able to commit, but we need never commit until we are ready.

Trust that you will commit when you want to.

God, guide me in making my commitments. Give me the courage to make those that are right for me, the wisdom not to commit to that which does not feel right, and the patience to wait until I know.

[grateful2b]

Oh ((HG))....yikes...

one of the things I can suggest you do because you live in an apartment is to get some steel wool and stuff it around all the pipes that come into your apartment from another(kitchen and bathroom) and also put weatherstripping at the bottom of your entry door, otherwise they walk right in at night...also you could use weatherstripping or white ducktape for the bigger cracks between the floor and cupboards or any other cracks where they can get in...go get em girl!

[Impurrfect]

((HG)) - oh yeah, the roaches have about taken over Atlanta. The guy who fixed our dishwasher said even the million-dollar houses had them last summer because of the draught!

I was posting here this morning when I fell asleep...woke up with Mots sprawled across the laptop

When I was growing up, mom and dad both worked and I had a couple of hours after school before they came home (only child), so I got used to my solitary time. When I moved out, I had a roommate, but after 6 months, got my own place. Other than, maybe a year, I've always lived on my own, and I really miss it...I think. Now, I've gotten used to having someone around. I know that whenever I DO move out, I'll have Brit at my place a LOT!!

I still can't seem to get very enthused about work. I was talking to M, one of my managers last night, and she said everyone on our shift is burned out, so guess it's not just me. We get dumped on a lot.

Back to sleep, then back to work.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Impurrfect]

I apologize ahead of time, because I feel like I'm whining

I'm back into my funk of a mood. Started off before I left the house yesterday, stepmom on the couch, "dozing". I complained about her not doing something she's said she would and her speech was slurred, so I just said "forget it" and walked out.

Get to work, my boss D, was there and had a pow-wow with us. Instead of getting angry and defensive (with good reason, because he was wrong), I took what he said personal but didn't say anything. I just felt like "great, I'll never do anything right".

My mgr put me in a section where no customers want to sit, and has done this the past several weekends, but swears she hasn't. We just have too many servers, not enough customers. Another server got smart with me, said something, ending "'cause I don't want to hear your mouth any more". I'm her supervisor, and she was out of line. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball. I just told her "never mind"..when she looked at me and said "what's wrong with YOU?" I just told her "I'm just down...leave me alone".

I never could get back up. Now my stepmom is already on my last nerve. Dad is on his way back from TX. I'm about to go back to sleep, have a few hours to go before getting up for work.

My first counseling appt. is Wed., and I can't wait. I just wish it was for more than 45 min. I don't even know how to label this crap...it feels like codie stuff and depression all wrapped up in one.

Sorry, ya'll. I even talked to my aunt and mom's best friend yesterday on the way to work, but at that time, I was okay. Maybe I've just had it with the job? I am doing a few things next week to see if I can get another lawyer to work on getting the felony off my record so I can try for a better job.

In the meantime, I just keep praying and putting one foot in front of the other and taking really deep breaths.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[SerenityGirl]

((((Amy)))) Sending you Hugs and prayers.....

[Gypsy Feet]

me too amy, big hugs. It will get better