It's all about me...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Thanks, Blue & Butter. It's so comforting to know that someone understands! I feel so crazy and chaotic inside, and I never thought I'd be at this place. There is a train of thought in a particular theory that tells me I chose him because of his addiction, but he wasn't an addict when we met, when we married or when we had DD. I'm so scared someone will find out about this, especially at work, where I'm perceived as level-headed, responsible, rational, dependable, even boring.
No one else knows. In my family or otherwise - AH's sister and her husband know, that's all from his family. A smattering of friends, and then I've stopped telling all but one, because they don't understand. even the one I do tell doesn't understand, and she was a drug and alcohol counselor. I basically have only this forum as a support system. I'm a natural introvert, very private about my life, and this has made me even more so. I know how my coworkers talk about others who have problems, and I don't want to be the topic of one of their conversations. They're nice people, just have never dealt with anything like this. And so it's hard and lonely.
BIL is fine. It was a random thing, some guy just started verbally attacking him and pounding on his car window. He was in a line up for gas, so he couldn't just get out, and it escalated to the point the guy was escorted away. But he waited for BIL, and when BIL pulled out of the lot, he started following him. So BIL went to the police, and asked me to contact SIL and have her bring the kids over in case it went further.
Thank you, all, for understanding. It means so much to be heard and understood.
No one else knows. In my family or otherwise - AH's sister and her husband know, that's all from his family. A smattering of friends, and then I've stopped telling all but one, because they don't understand. even the one I do tell doesn't understand, and she was a drug and alcohol counselor. I basically have only this forum as a support system. I'm a natural introvert, very private about my life, and this has made me even more so. I know how my coworkers talk about others who have problems, and I don't want to be the topic of one of their conversations. They're nice people, just have never dealt with anything like this. And so it's hard and lonely.
BIL is fine. It was a random thing, some guy just started verbally attacking him and pounding on his car window. He was in a line up for gas, so he couldn't just get out, and it escalated to the point the guy was escorted away. But he waited for BIL, and when BIL pulled out of the lot, he started following him. So BIL went to the police, and asked me to contact SIL and have her bring the kids over in case it went further.
Thank you, all, for understanding. It means so much to be heard and understood.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
There is a train of thought in a particular theory that tells me I chose him because of his addiction, but he wasn't an addict when we met, when we married or when we had DD.
you love and chose your husband because of many reasons but don't think something's wrong with you and you chose him due to his addiction.
i was very careful whom i told and whom i didnt. Because its hard to understand when you are not familiar with the topic.
i also only have that forum. my friends are there for me obviously but either they have no experience with addiction or come from a different point so i understand that you feel lonely. but we are here
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hello everyone! Awe soverylost! Hugs! I'm so sorry that you are struggling with all this! You sound like a beautiful, intelligent woman! You seem very very level headed and responsible! Please don't let your husbands alcoholism make you feel differently about yourself. You are all of those things and more. If you think back to why you chose your husband, I'm sure there were many good qualities that you saw in him. I'm sure you did not make your decision lightly. I'm sure he still has those qualities unfortunately along with a very bad brain disease that prevents all those wonderful qualities to shine.
Him getting upset like that for shrinking your shirt looks like he is very very critical of himself and his self esteem is very low right now. A huge reason why addicts continue to pick up. Not giving him excuses...just noticed that. I really hope counseling can help him...because it looks like he has issues he needs to work thru to get better.
Like butter said....don't even go there.....blaming yourself or your choices ok? You are not alone. So many understand what you're going thru!
Blue, I'm glad you were able to work thru your thoughts and feelings. I am sorry I wasn't there for you yesterday.
please pm me about anything you'd like to talk about....I'm here. Just have to go over to my Br. And Sr.-in-laws house tonight.
Butter congrats on your A! I knew you would get an A! ��
My oldest daughter called today. A few years ago, while she was in college she was in a snow-mobile accident. I guess while riding the brakes stopped working and she ended up crashing...flipped over and she hurt her leg very badly. For a few weeks, she couldn't walk on it...and her knee swelled up very badly. She is a very active person and exercises regularly. Going for walks and running are a couple of her hobbies. So a couple weeks ago she took part in a marathon and must have re-injured that bad knee again. So she saw the specialist and he told her she will need knee surgery. I can't remember the name of it....I'll ask her again. But she said it's a very painful surgery and the rehab after it is very intense. I want to go there and stay with her...but I'm not sure if I'll be able to go. She says her mother-in-law will take care of her son for a month while she recuperates. ...take him up to the north woods with her. Plus she will get some paid time off from her job. She's scared though...and I don't blame her. My hubs is saying she shouldn't have it...that it will make it worse. But he's always against stuff like that...unless it's life saving. He thinks doctors push for surgery too much. Now I don't know what to think because she asked my opinion and I told her to get a second opinion first and then we will talk about it again....see what this other doctor says. Any advice...I know med advice isn't allowed but any experiences thoughts on it? I'll ask again what the name of the problem is.
Anyways prayers please for my daughter...I'm worried about her!
Thanks
Him getting upset like that for shrinking your shirt looks like he is very very critical of himself and his self esteem is very low right now. A huge reason why addicts continue to pick up. Not giving him excuses...just noticed that. I really hope counseling can help him...because it looks like he has issues he needs to work thru to get better.
Like butter said....don't even go there.....blaming yourself or your choices ok? You are not alone. So many understand what you're going thru!
Blue, I'm glad you were able to work thru your thoughts and feelings. I am sorry I wasn't there for you yesterday.
please pm me about anything you'd like to talk about....I'm here. Just have to go over to my Br. And Sr.-in-laws house tonight. Butter congrats on your A! I knew you would get an A! ��
My oldest daughter called today. A few years ago, while she was in college she was in a snow-mobile accident. I guess while riding the brakes stopped working and she ended up crashing...flipped over and she hurt her leg very badly. For a few weeks, she couldn't walk on it...and her knee swelled up very badly. She is a very active person and exercises regularly. Going for walks and running are a couple of her hobbies. So a couple weeks ago she took part in a marathon and must have re-injured that bad knee again. So she saw the specialist and he told her she will need knee surgery. I can't remember the name of it....I'll ask her again. But she said it's a very painful surgery and the rehab after it is very intense. I want to go there and stay with her...but I'm not sure if I'll be able to go. She says her mother-in-law will take care of her son for a month while she recuperates. ...take him up to the north woods with her. Plus she will get some paid time off from her job. She's scared though...and I don't blame her. My hubs is saying she shouldn't have it...that it will make it worse. But he's always against stuff like that...unless it's life saving. He thinks doctors push for surgery too much. Now I don't know what to think because she asked my opinion and I told her to get a second opinion first and then we will talk about it again....see what this other doctor says. Any advice...I know med advice isn't allowed but any experiences thoughts on it? I'll ask again what the name of the problem is.
Anyways prayers please for my daughter...I'm worried about her!
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
aaaw ((((Clean)))) i'm sorry to hear about your daughter and her messed up knee! I know exactly how she feels, been there! I'll shoot you a PM because i don't know how far I can go without breaking the rules of medical advice! But i will keep you and her in my prayers and I hope you'll find a way to go there and take care after her!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Clean, thank you. You're right, even tho I was young I did not make the decision to marry him lightly. Marriage was a life long thing for me and I wanted to be sure this was it. We both did. We talked in great lengths about it. Broke up once while engaged, even. He had cold feet. Got back together, determined that it was the right decision. And for so many years, it was.
Now, tonight, he's in the basement again. Has been there since I got home from work. I had to cancel my plans, which he said he was not going to apologize about. He says he'll sleep down there tonight.
I had a heartbreaking conversation with DD. She's so tired of him acting like a child, she said. She wants her dad back. I don't know what to tell her. I offered again to take her to counselling but she doesn't want to go. I am so sad for her.
At this point, I'm lost and confused. I don't know how long I can continue. I've been tracking since Oct 13 how many.times we've gone to bed at the same time. This has always been a huge thing for me. I like cuddling and talking about our day before sleep, not to mention intimacy. I even have the "kiss me goodnight " saying above our bed. He always used to kiss me goodnight. Since Oct 13 he's come to bed with me 4 times. I'm so lonely. And he doesn't understand why.
*****
Clean, sorry to hear about your daughter's knee. Sounds so painful!! I have no medical knowledge so I'll just offer up a prayer that she gets the right treatment.
Now, tonight, he's in the basement again. Has been there since I got home from work. I had to cancel my plans, which he said he was not going to apologize about. He says he'll sleep down there tonight.
I had a heartbreaking conversation with DD. She's so tired of him acting like a child, she said. She wants her dad back. I don't know what to tell her. I offered again to take her to counselling but she doesn't want to go. I am so sad for her.
At this point, I'm lost and confused. I don't know how long I can continue. I've been tracking since Oct 13 how many.times we've gone to bed at the same time. This has always been a huge thing for me. I like cuddling and talking about our day before sleep, not to mention intimacy. I even have the "kiss me goodnight " saying above our bed. He always used to kiss me goodnight. Since Oct 13 he's come to bed with me 4 times. I'm so lonely. And he doesn't understand why.
*****
Clean, sorry to hear about your daughter's knee. Sounds so painful!! I have no medical knowledge so I'll just offer up a prayer that she gets the right treatment.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Sorry Ive been MIA a little bit.. my son being sick put me behind with some things at work, and then with the costumes, and my slow sewing skills.. tomorrow night is pumpkin carving night for us.
Tonight my son got into the freezer and before I caught him, he was eating one of the doggies Frosty Paws snack. He said it was good and didn't want to give it up, but I gave him a fruit pop and said he should share the other with the doggie. That worked..
Blue - I just replied to you note... Happy your feeling better today, good job working through those questions you had...
Cleanin - Im sorry about your sister inlaw. Its good you can be there to help out her family during this time.. and your a really good cook so Im sure they are benefitting from this.. plus helping with the kids. I will be praying for her, please keep us posted. I don't know a lot about knee surgery, but I think a second opinion is always a good suggestion. I have an uncle who is older but had both his knees replaced. He did go through physical therapy, and I know it was hard at the start.. but he is fine now.. many years later. My husband injured his neck and shoulder and had to have a complicated surgery... but I will say.. we thought he might have to have another.. but once he did proper physical therapy it improved way beyond what he expected. Right now he says it seldom bothers him... Im sure she will be ok as long as its well planned out. I hope you can spend some time with her too.. It has to be hard with her in another state.. new rule.. when my son grows up he cant relocate away from his parents... of course by then I will have my alpaca farm.... LOL ....
Butter, Congratulations on your exam. This was one you were worried about...? Im sorry to hear you had an emotional setback regarding B... I really liked your comments about addiction, and the stigma that sometimes flows over to family insinuating we are automatically flawed for having a friend, being in love, or marrying someone who has addiction issues..
Soverylost,
Im very sorry your at this place right now.. My husband didn't have any issues when we met either; he suffered a sports injury, had to have multiple surgeries and was prescribed lots of pain meds. This was not something I could predict, and I have examined our relationship and feel that it was healthy.. there was no great imbalance of power, one saving the other.. but we worked together jointly and set goals and had a good life.
when he was in active addiction.. he was still highly functional, but then he started lying, staying away from home until very late. He was out with his friends from work, sometimes he used work as an excuse.. our son hadn't been born at the time so that wasn't an issue.. but it was so frustrating. I would eat alone never knowing if he was showing up (and we always ate together), he would call and then not be there, then not answer.. sometimes he was out until 3-4am.. things he never did in his life.. At first I didn't realize the drugs were involved.. I just thought he was having some kind of emotional breakdown...he was acting like a frat boy..but was instead closer to a mid life crisis age.. Basically he didn't see any problem except I was spoiling his fun.. he had been injured and disabled and now he felt better... he had no interest in stopping and I knew nothing about treatments at that point.. I was just angry.
I think with a teenager (hope Im correct) and then a younger one at home - you really have your hands full working, and caring for them. Right now at least on many levels hes not maintaining his role in the family..
It gets so complicated because as Cleanin mentioned the shame, guilt, and the low self esteem where he probably does realize how its all slipping away from him.. keeps perpetuating more drinking, and deeper feelings of shame.
Hopping back on the train of thought (sorry Butter)... I personally do have faith in treatment, but it takes commitment. I know he went to one session, and your both having trouble getting appointments... I hope this gets on track for you both.
Do you have any time for yourself in all this? Its been helpful for me to try to carve out time where I can free my mind of everything going on, a time to decompress.. and I know with work and a little one its hard.. but Im thinking ironically your husband told you this very same thing a couple weeks ago.. he was right in this point.. I wont call it detachment, to me its just more about finding a balance, nurturing yourself in this really stressful time.. where your waiting to see if he will embrace this plan of treatment that's in the beginning stages... waiting to unravel your thoughts and feelings... I know it probably feels impossible that you could let him stay in the basement and deal with his stuff.. and at the same time you could get your son in bed, and be able to relax and watch a movie for example.. but it helps if you can get to this point.. allow yourself to turn the focus back on you for little bits of time and then expand on it...
The Smart/craft tools also teach this.. they focus on interactions with your loved one, but by defining certain situations, you already have an innate sense of when interaction wont be helpful... this is when you need to turn focus back on you, your daughter, and try to find the balance.
Telling people whats going on at home is really hard, and sometimes its not helpful.. everyone had different family dynamics and sometimes it can cause more stress, but there was a small group of people who knew about my husband.. my parents, my brother and a few of his old friends (who he dropped), a couple of my friends, and his parents and brother. Each relationship had a different dynamic for me.. his parents were hurt and angry at first and not much help to me emotionally. Most of his old friends just drifted away, my parents were very helpful especially after I found out I was expecting.. I relied on them a lot.. they were really angry with him, but they still managed to find forgiveness when they really got to the heart of understanding addiction.. they even hid him at one point so he could clean himself up... LOL.. not funny then, but now it is...
I would just say really look at your close relationships and ask yourself if it would help you, or your kids to let them in on whats going on.. we all have different views.. but alcoholism and addiction are illness to me... this is why I hate the stigma of addiction so much.. people are afraid to ask for help.. even family members.. because its all been made out to be shameful, immoral to have a drug or alcohol problem OR love someone who does.... but there are medical / psychological explanations for addiction... You don't need to feel ashamed, or like you or your husband are bad people... Your not & if you need more proof... on this forum we like you very much.
These are just thoughts Im tossing out.. I hope some of it makes sense. Im knee deep in a lady bug costume so forgive me if it doesn't.
Tonight my son got into the freezer and before I caught him, he was eating one of the doggies Frosty Paws snack. He said it was good and didn't want to give it up, but I gave him a fruit pop and said he should share the other with the doggie. That worked..
Blue - I just replied to you note... Happy your feeling better today, good job working through those questions you had...
Cleanin - Im sorry about your sister inlaw. Its good you can be there to help out her family during this time.. and your a really good cook so Im sure they are benefitting from this.. plus helping with the kids. I will be praying for her, please keep us posted. I don't know a lot about knee surgery, but I think a second opinion is always a good suggestion. I have an uncle who is older but had both his knees replaced. He did go through physical therapy, and I know it was hard at the start.. but he is fine now.. many years later. My husband injured his neck and shoulder and had to have a complicated surgery... but I will say.. we thought he might have to have another.. but once he did proper physical therapy it improved way beyond what he expected. Right now he says it seldom bothers him... Im sure she will be ok as long as its well planned out. I hope you can spend some time with her too.. It has to be hard with her in another state.. new rule.. when my son grows up he cant relocate away from his parents... of course by then I will have my alpaca farm.... LOL ....
Butter, Congratulations on your exam. This was one you were worried about...? Im sorry to hear you had an emotional setback regarding B... I really liked your comments about addiction, and the stigma that sometimes flows over to family insinuating we are automatically flawed for having a friend, being in love, or marrying someone who has addiction issues..
Soverylost,
Im very sorry your at this place right now.. My husband didn't have any issues when we met either; he suffered a sports injury, had to have multiple surgeries and was prescribed lots of pain meds. This was not something I could predict, and I have examined our relationship and feel that it was healthy.. there was no great imbalance of power, one saving the other.. but we worked together jointly and set goals and had a good life.
when he was in active addiction.. he was still highly functional, but then he started lying, staying away from home until very late. He was out with his friends from work, sometimes he used work as an excuse.. our son hadn't been born at the time so that wasn't an issue.. but it was so frustrating. I would eat alone never knowing if he was showing up (and we always ate together), he would call and then not be there, then not answer.. sometimes he was out until 3-4am.. things he never did in his life.. At first I didn't realize the drugs were involved.. I just thought he was having some kind of emotional breakdown...he was acting like a frat boy..but was instead closer to a mid life crisis age.. Basically he didn't see any problem except I was spoiling his fun.. he had been injured and disabled and now he felt better... he had no interest in stopping and I knew nothing about treatments at that point.. I was just angry.
I think with a teenager (hope Im correct) and then a younger one at home - you really have your hands full working, and caring for them. Right now at least on many levels hes not maintaining his role in the family..
It gets so complicated because as Cleanin mentioned the shame, guilt, and the low self esteem where he probably does realize how its all slipping away from him.. keeps perpetuating more drinking, and deeper feelings of shame.
Hopping back on the train of thought (sorry Butter)... I personally do have faith in treatment, but it takes commitment. I know he went to one session, and your both having trouble getting appointments... I hope this gets on track for you both.
Do you have any time for yourself in all this? Its been helpful for me to try to carve out time where I can free my mind of everything going on, a time to decompress.. and I know with work and a little one its hard.. but Im thinking ironically your husband told you this very same thing a couple weeks ago.. he was right in this point.. I wont call it detachment, to me its just more about finding a balance, nurturing yourself in this really stressful time.. where your waiting to see if he will embrace this plan of treatment that's in the beginning stages... waiting to unravel your thoughts and feelings... I know it probably feels impossible that you could let him stay in the basement and deal with his stuff.. and at the same time you could get your son in bed, and be able to relax and watch a movie for example.. but it helps if you can get to this point.. allow yourself to turn the focus back on you for little bits of time and then expand on it...
The Smart/craft tools also teach this.. they focus on interactions with your loved one, but by defining certain situations, you already have an innate sense of when interaction wont be helpful... this is when you need to turn focus back on you, your daughter, and try to find the balance.
Telling people whats going on at home is really hard, and sometimes its not helpful.. everyone had different family dynamics and sometimes it can cause more stress, but there was a small group of people who knew about my husband.. my parents, my brother and a few of his old friends (who he dropped), a couple of my friends, and his parents and brother. Each relationship had a different dynamic for me.. his parents were hurt and angry at first and not much help to me emotionally. Most of his old friends just drifted away, my parents were very helpful especially after I found out I was expecting.. I relied on them a lot.. they were really angry with him, but they still managed to find forgiveness when they really got to the heart of understanding addiction.. they even hid him at one point so he could clean himself up... LOL.. not funny then, but now it is...
I would just say really look at your close relationships and ask yourself if it would help you, or your kids to let them in on whats going on.. we all have different views.. but alcoholism and addiction are illness to me... this is why I hate the stigma of addiction so much.. people are afraid to ask for help.. even family members.. because its all been made out to be shameful, immoral to have a drug or alcohol problem OR love someone who does.... but there are medical / psychological explanations for addiction... You don't need to feel ashamed, or like you or your husband are bad people... Your not & if you need more proof... on this forum we like you very much.
These are just thoughts Im tossing out.. I hope some of it makes sense. Im knee deep in a lady bug costume so forgive me if it doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
My mailbox was full, boo on me, sorry !!
You did help me Clean, all the thoughts you shared help reinforce what I was thinking and also see some positives.
I guess the main thing is the addiction coming to life last year has opened up an opportunity for husbunny to deal with things in his iife that needed to be dealt with anyway. Its also given me new opportunities to learn about myself, and become better (nah I think stronger) is a better word.
Your other daughter is a marathon runner? Your kids cant sit still can they? HAHAHA Sometimes being lazy is the safest way to go !!! Ik Ik Im sorry this happened and I will put her in my prayers. She lives in the Cheese Capital of the world or do I have the wrong state? I wish you could go there and spend some time but I know it would be hard with your younger kids, Peanut Bunny, and I almost forgot your husbunny ! Your the nucleus of the family ! I hope your SIL feels better today.
Originally Posted by cleaninLI 
Blue, I'm glad you were able to work thru your thoughts and feelings. I am sorry I wasn't there for you yesterday. please pm me about anything you'd like to talk about....I'm here. Just have to go over to my Br. And Sr.-in-laws house tonight.
My oldest daughter called today. A few years ago, while she was in college she was in a snow-mobile accident. I guess while riding the brakes stopped working and she ended up crashing...flipped over and she hurt her leg very badly. For a few weeks, she couldn't walk on it...and her knee swelled up very badly. She is a very active person and exercises regularly. Going for walks and running are a couple of her hobbies. So a couple weeks ago she took part in a marathon and must have re-injured that bad knee again. So she saw the specialist and he told her she will need knee surgery. I can't remember the name of it....I'll ask her again. But she said it's a very painful surgery and the rehab after it is very intense. I want to go there and stay with her...but I'm not sure if I'll be able to go. She says her mother-in-law will take care of her son for a month while she recuperates. ...take him up to the north woods with her. Plus she will get some paid time off from her job. She's scared though...and I don't blame her. My hubs is saying she shouldn't have it...that it will make it worse. But he's always against stuff like that...unless it's life saving. He thinks doctors push for surgery too much. Now I don't know what to think because she asked my opinion and I told her to get a second opinion first and then we will talk about it again....see what this other doctor says. Any advice...I know med advice isn't allowed but any experiences thoughts on it? I'll ask again what the name of the problem is.
Anyways prayers please for my daughter...I'm worried about her!
Thanks
please pm me about anything you'd like to talk about....I'm here. Just have to go over to my Br. And Sr.-in-laws house tonight. My oldest daughter called today. A few years ago, while she was in college she was in a snow-mobile accident. I guess while riding the brakes stopped working and she ended up crashing...flipped over and she hurt her leg very badly. For a few weeks, she couldn't walk on it...and her knee swelled up very badly. She is a very active person and exercises regularly. Going for walks and running are a couple of her hobbies. So a couple weeks ago she took part in a marathon and must have re-injured that bad knee again. So she saw the specialist and he told her she will need knee surgery. I can't remember the name of it....I'll ask her again. But she said it's a very painful surgery and the rehab after it is very intense. I want to go there and stay with her...but I'm not sure if I'll be able to go. She says her mother-in-law will take care of her son for a month while she recuperates. ...take him up to the north woods with her. Plus she will get some paid time off from her job. She's scared though...and I don't blame her. My hubs is saying she shouldn't have it...that it will make it worse. But he's always against stuff like that...unless it's life saving. He thinks doctors push for surgery too much. Now I don't know what to think because she asked my opinion and I told her to get a second opinion first and then we will talk about it again....see what this other doctor says. Any advice...I know med advice isn't allowed but any experiences thoughts on it? I'll ask again what the name of the problem is.
Anyways prayers please for my daughter...I'm worried about her!
Thanks
I guess the main thing is the addiction coming to life last year has opened up an opportunity for husbunny to deal with things in his iife that needed to be dealt with anyway. Its also given me new opportunities to learn about myself, and become better (nah I think stronger) is a better word.
Your other daughter is a marathon runner? Your kids cant sit still can they? HAHAHA Sometimes being lazy is the safest way to go !!! Ik Ik Im sorry this happened and I will put her in my prayers. She lives in the Cheese Capital of the world or do I have the wrong state? I wish you could go there and spend some time but I know it would be hard with your younger kids, Peanut Bunny, and I almost forgot your husbunny ! Your the nucleus of the family ! I hope your SIL feels better today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Thanks, Allfor, both you and Clean are so right, he has such low self-esteem and that is a trigger for him. I once asked him if I could ever praise him enough and he said he could never feel appreciated enough or good enough. It gets tiring, and I have to be careful to not say anything negative which is hard, with an addiction.
You're right, we have a 15 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old was a surprise, after years of infertility. Definitely a gift, but it took some getting used to, going back to all that baby stuff again. And it has thrown AH for a huge loop. He loves DS, but has limited patience and I'm left doing all of the stuff with and for him. DS has a long nap at daycare so he doesn't go to sleep until about 10.He's still waking up 4 or 5 times in the night too, so it's hard to be up with him at night, and then work all day, and then come home and take care of DD's dance classes, DS and all his toddler stuff. Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids. I really do. It's just tiring. and, not a lot of time for myself. When AH is claiming the whole evening for himself, I have to work really hard at just finding moments where I can breathe and relax a bit. I even schedule showers.
You're right, we have a 15 year old and a 2 year old. The 2 year old was a surprise, after years of infertility. Definitely a gift, but it took some getting used to, going back to all that baby stuff again. And it has thrown AH for a huge loop. He loves DS, but has limited patience and I'm left doing all of the stuff with and for him. DS has a long nap at daycare so he doesn't go to sleep until about 10.He's still waking up 4 or 5 times in the night too, so it's hard to be up with him at night, and then work all day, and then come home and take care of DD's dance classes, DS and all his toddler stuff. Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids. I really do. It's just tiring. and, not a lot of time for myself. When AH is claiming the whole evening for himself, I have to work really hard at just finding moments where I can breathe and relax a bit. I even schedule showers.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
SVL,
My son is almost 3 and he will usually sleep through the night, but he stays up much later than he should. When he was sick last week it was so hard.. he was up all during the night, and crying too.. made me remember how hard it was and I had to ask how I ever managed? LOL .. it really wears me out and makes me more emotional when I don't get enough sleep.
.. not trying to give unwanted advice I just would like you to have support of your family, or a close friend if possible so they could help out in some way, or support your efforts to encourage recovery for him. In a way, he's hiding in that basement, and I know with my husband facing family and friends was not something he wanted because it made all the issues more real... Cleanin has shared with me before how much addiction loves secrecy, loves to be hidden... it doesn't like to be seen in the light of day. Just more to think about.
My son is almost 3 and he will usually sleep through the night, but he stays up much later than he should. When he was sick last week it was so hard.. he was up all during the night, and crying too.. made me remember how hard it was and I had to ask how I ever managed? LOL .. it really wears me out and makes me more emotional when I don't get enough sleep.
.. not trying to give unwanted advice I just would like you to have support of your family, or a close friend if possible so they could help out in some way, or support your efforts to encourage recovery for him. In a way, he's hiding in that basement, and I know with my husband facing family and friends was not something he wanted because it made all the issues more real... Cleanin has shared with me before how much addiction loves secrecy, loves to be hidden... it doesn't like to be seen in the light of day. Just more to think about.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I thought I would give you all a happy message to wake up too...
We carved pumpkins tonight, and will be a busy day tomorrow with my son.
I hope everyone has a good day... and is able to eat lots of Halloween Candy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Happy Halloween
Everyone must be out there getting into mischief? Butter did you do any TP ? Do you know what this is? Its when you take rolls of toilet paper and drape them over everything making a huge mess. Often done to people you dont like! Im not suggesting you do this, I think its considered an act of vandalism and I don want you to get arrested, or locked up in the campus jail !
Does anyone here want to get in on a book review, here or over at Smart ?
Our own Soverylost is rallying people, but there seems to be greater interest in starting with the newer book: How Science and Kindness Can Help People Change. I read it a few months ago and its good, not as much of a textbook feel as Get Your Loved one Sober, maybe it is better for starters?
Ughhhh I guess we are going to a party tonight. The one I have mixed feelings about, its people from his work, and I like all of them but I feel like there will be a lot of drinking, and more beer than wine. They are not a big party crowd but given the wild and mischievous spirit of Halloween this is what I expect.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Happy Halloween everyone!
Blue the party sounds ... hard. I understand how you feel, I don't like work parties esp with drinking. People tend to show their different colours and it's hard to look at them the same way. And when it's H's coworkers it's even harder. Hope it goes well.
Allfor, glad your son is feeling better. It is so hard when they're sick, they don't even understand why they are feeling ucky. Both my kids are poor sleepers, now DD at 15 can manage it on her own, but she slept with us until she was 7. DS slept with me in our bed last night, AH was up all night again and I didn't want to be wakened when he came in so whenever he went to bed, it was in DS's room.
And you're right, I know his addiction loves solitude and isolation. It's where it can speak to him without anyone to listen or contradict. I hate it. He'll text random people and argue with them, he has a lot of female friends and I never know if I should be worried or not. he locks his phone so I can never see who he's talking to. Secrets, secrets, secrets. So many secrets. I wonder if we will make it through, or if there is too much water under this bridge.
Blue the party sounds ... hard. I understand how you feel, I don't like work parties esp with drinking. People tend to show their different colours and it's hard to look at them the same way. And when it's H's coworkers it's even harder. Hope it goes well.
Allfor, glad your son is feeling better. It is so hard when they're sick, they don't even understand why they are feeling ucky. Both my kids are poor sleepers, now DD at 15 can manage it on her own, but she slept with us until she was 7. DS slept with me in our bed last night, AH was up all night again and I didn't want to be wakened when he came in so whenever he went to bed, it was in DS's room.
And you're right, I know his addiction loves solitude and isolation. It's where it can speak to him without anyone to listen or contradict. I hate it. He'll text random people and argue with them, he has a lot of female friends and I never know if I should be worried or not. he locks his phone so I can never see who he's talking to. Secrets, secrets, secrets. So many secrets. I wonder if we will make it through, or if there is too much water under this bridge.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I think Halloween is upsetting me, and Im having trouble being festive celebrating ghosts, monsters, bones,tombstones and people laughing about death. There I said it! My husband almost died last year and all these things must be triggering these awful thoughts and memories. Im feeling very unhappy, and the last thing I want to do is go to this work party. There I said that too !! No I didnt share any of this with him because mostly its hit me while Im at work today. I know its my issue, my stupid emotions to conquer.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
I understand, Blue. When my dad died, I had a very hard time with all of the morbid and comic portrayals of death. It was no joke that Dad was gone, my world had ended, and people are making it into a comedic thing? They are not stupid emotions. Your world almost ended, and this is a direct remembrance.
Can I be so bold as to suggest what helped me? Every holiday that rolled around after Dad died, I tried to celebrate life. I'm dressed as a butterfly today because they are beautiful remembrances of change and life. I try to embrace the joy in children's faces when they come to our door.
and maybe try to develop a quick but nasty cold before it's time to go out tonight
Hugs.
Can I be so bold as to suggest what helped me? Every holiday that rolled around after Dad died, I tried to celebrate life. I'm dressed as a butterfly today because they are beautiful remembrances of change and life. I try to embrace the joy in children's faces when they come to our door.
and maybe try to develop a quick but nasty cold before it's time to go out tonight
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
I just requested Beyond Addiction through the library, so maybe we can do a study of both books? Thoughts?
I just feel more comfortable here. All of you have been so incredibly welcoming and supportive, and I hope no one minds. Many blessings, a huge thank you and a big hug to each of you, you don't know how much I appreciate your words on those really hard days.
I just feel more comfortable here. All of you have been so incredibly welcoming and supportive, and I hope no one minds. Many blessings, a huge thank you and a big hug to each of you, you don't know how much I appreciate your words on those really hard days.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Thank you soverylost.
I dressed up for work today as a Princess, not the full gown but I do have a little tiara ! I decided if I get stuck in traffic, I will turn my head, smile at people and do the royal wave. Maybe this will put me in a better mood at party time. I love Halloween for all the little kids and the sweet and playful side of it. Ive never enjoyed being scared, or the gory parts others think are cool. Im just going to think more about the kids having fun, and think of Disneyland.
We can do both books then, Im good with it.
Thank you for being here ! ((hugs)) and hope you have a good night.
I dressed up for work today as a Princess, not the full gown but I do have a little tiara ! I decided if I get stuck in traffic, I will turn my head, smile at people and do the royal wave. Maybe this will put me in a better mood at party time. I love Halloween for all the little kids and the sweet and playful side of it. Ive never enjoyed being scared, or the gory parts others think are cool. Im just going to think more about the kids having fun, and think of Disneyland.
We can do both books then, Im good with it.
Thank you for being here ! ((hugs)) and hope you have a good night.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I go to alanon, theres a newcomer in my friday meeting- she's been going to various meetings for a month or so, I've seen her at others and we've chatted a few times "after the meetings". She noted how she's unable to discuss the situation with her AH with other family members (many of whom are addicts themselves), I've run into that too, even with non-addicts.. "civilians" who simply aren't aware of the issue. Discussing these things with people who have been there and understand is really helpful.
So our newcomer got her courage together and shared on the friday meeting and got a really good response from a number of other women in the group, including some of the longer-term members w/ strong recovery. After the meeting she told me she didn't know what to think about how the others in the group reached out to her. I'm glad they did, but reflecting on how her home/family life must be so as to make her unaccustomed to loving empathy and sharing makes me sad. Yet her determination to recover is inspiring. She is certainly a lot more open just since the beginning of October, she's discussed an improvement in her mood as well- even given how her AH adds so much stress and chaos.. lol she's working the detachment pretty hard, difficult to say how much of it is ferocious vs loving but it seems like progress.
So our newcomer got her courage together and shared on the friday meeting and got a really good response from a number of other women in the group, including some of the longer-term members w/ strong recovery. After the meeting she told me she didn't know what to think about how the others in the group reached out to her. I'm glad they did, but reflecting on how her home/family life must be so as to make her unaccustomed to loving empathy and sharing makes me sad. Yet her determination to recover is inspiring. She is certainly a lot more open just since the beginning of October, she's discussed an improvement in her mood as well- even given how her AH adds so much stress and chaos.. lol she's working the detachment pretty hard, difficult to say how much of it is ferocious vs loving but it seems like progress.
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