Pacoloco

Hi, friends.

Here I am again, after a 10 day binge smoking all day.

Before that I was not smoking daily, for several months. I was a little better. Then I tried to quit for 1 year, did not make it. Instead, ended up partying for 10 days.

Almost 2 weeks went by. I feel bad. It's not ok.

Today is day 1 and I spent all day reading and thinking.

And I decided that is better to just keep it simple in my mind.

I DON'T SMOKE ANYMORE.

Don't want to and will not.

Will just tell my friends that. Sorry man, I don't smoke anymore. Enjoy. I'm out.

But I need a plan. My wife travels this Friday. It will be rough.

So I plan to go to NA on Saturday. I think I have to take a shot at the "one day at a time" and the 12 steps. Never been able to accept the step 1. Powerless over weed. Even now I struggle with that. It's so shameful.

Well, the mais thing is, I do not smoke pot anymore. It's over.

Need help tho. Thanks.

Dee74

I'm glad to see you looking at support options - always help here too, Paco.

You can do this

D

Pacoloco

Thanks D. Good to be back.

Lorax1981

Hi Pacoloco- you can do it man, dig deep!
-Ted

Pacoloco

OK it's day 2. It's a beginning.

First night was not all that bad. Slept for only 5 hours but feel ok. Foggy of course, but somehow I am feeling fine. I think I'm feeling good about my decision to quit for good. It's the right thing to do.

I'm OK with the time spent on weed. I read lot of posts of people in the same situation, and I realized how many people regret the time and money lost. I thought about it a lot and I really don't feel that way. So I came to the conclusion that I am not even sorry, how can I quit that way? I have to be sorry right?

But then this 10 day binge.... I regret that one. I lost time. I lost time alive with my wife. I am alive and I love my wife, I am with her right now, I am sure I will regret wasting time from now on. So I won't.

My wife does not put pressure on me to quit. She's so nice. She never smoked. I want to live long years with her, fully, not just staying high and tired on a couch. I want to BE with her.

Life goes by fast. I think I finally reached that point. Gotta live until I'm alive, and die with no regrets. Smoking weed won't give me that, THAT'S FOR SURE!

I choose my wife over my friends. I choose to be available to her instead of being ****** up on the couch. Hell, sometimes I don't even go out walk the dogs with her. I'm wasting these moments with her. Weed is so Not Worth it. I'm done.

happycampers

good for you, P ! I totally understand how you feel about not wanting to lose any more days because of pot and it's negative effects. SO many days can be because of the poison of pot and we're too old to lose any more to it ! Great to hear you're feeling so good about your decision !

racingthoughts

Diddo to what hc said. Weed by itself may not actually kill someone, but it can certainly rob them of their life. Welcome back.

ardy

Hi Pacoloco learn to cook with her walk with her live a full life of joy with her and kiddo you will taste one day the great life you have without the junk.. and know that this is the way life should be always... so proud of you and this grand effort you are doing.. when you think for a minute you need to smoke get on this and read cry and clean your soul of the junk... for you will find so many here that will hold you tight and your ripple of life will have spread out larger then your couch.. love a Lady Clown.. Wisconsin..

Pacoloco

Thanks HC, RT and Ardy! Means a lot.

Yesterday was a hard day 2. I was very tired and had things to do. But I made it.

And I noticed I am less moody and miserable in early days, compared with other times I tried to quit. I think it's because of my decision to quit FOR GOOD. Somehow it seems to ease the process. Thinking about "when will I be able to smoke again (maybe today?)" is crap, is a waste of energy, it seems to make withdrawal worse. It opens a gap for... temptation. I don't know how to explain.

Yesterday was day 2 and I felt I gained one night with my wife. Instead of being high in the couch with the door closed, apart from her (she does not like the smoke or smell), I was with her, talking, being together at night. Even though I was not a everyday smoker, even if I was not smoking I was constantly anxious about weed, "can't smoke today but want to", texting friends trying to score some weed, frustrated when could not get some, etc. But I was with her, we went to bed together, instead of me being up late smoking in the darkness.

Day 3 now. Probably will be a tough one. Have one big test in law school, wish me luck, friends. And thanks for everything.

Dee74

best wishes on the exam Paco

happycampers

Great to hear, Paco ! You'll need no good luck because you'll ace it !

Here's a very good article on why sobriety is MUCH easier than moderation you might like -
6 Reasons Why Moderation is Miserable By Annie Grace - Soberistas

Pacoloco

Thanks, D! Nailed it.

Thanks HC, great article, I'm reading it right now!

Day 3 is so owned.

Pacoloco

Day 4 was awesome. I'm sober, not depressed. Actually I'm pretty happy and I will tell you why:

See, I have this friend of mine. He's my best friend, a real brother. I know him for about 30 years (I'm 37), but we hang out for about 17-18 years. We smoked everytime we met in those long years.

I don't want to drift apart from him. We plan to work together with Law next year. And we play videogames together (PES on PS3), always smoking and drinking like hell. But not anymore.

Today he came here and smoked in front of me. I was aware of the risk, but as I am so comitted, I gave a shot. AND I WON. I WON BIG TIME. I did not smoke or drink. He smoked and drank beers in front of me, without teasing me, and it was hard at the beggining, but I remained strong. We hang out for 4-5 hours and I did not cave in.

And here I am, sober and clean after a videogame session, which is something absolutely new in these 18 years. I'm very happy.

Only thing bad: I got my ass kicked big time on the videogame. LOL

Now I know I can't be over confident because of this one single victory. Everyday I have to win again. I know that. But I am glad because now I know it's possible, I won't lose my friends, I have the strenght to be with them and not smoke or drink beer. Of course I won't hang out as much, but I get to keep my friends and see them now and then, as my few friends are very important to me.

So that's it. Recovery is badass. I am a badass.
Thanks for your support!

Lorax1981

Go on with your bad self! Feels good don't it? I always enjoy my sober drive home after hanging with friends cuz the cops don't bother me a bit and they used to make my heart skip a beat.

Dee74

Thats great Paco

D

happycampers

great news, P !!!

Pacoloco

Yeah I know I put everything at risk yesterday.

I won't hang out as much.

Nice thing is I don't have to turn my back on my precious few friends.
It makes me feel at ease with my sobriety.

Today is day 5, weather is chilly and grey, and I feel a bit blue I confess.

I did not even drink and smoke and I feel a bit hangover.

Don't know why.

I think it's a mood swing, something I should expect in early days.
Yesterday I was a bit euphoric by my little victory.
Today I'm a bit "depressed" as my wife will be gone for a week.

It's going to be tough.
When she travelled in the past I always went hardcore on pot and beer.
This time will be different, I'm 100% comitted, but a little nervous about it.
Well, let's see how it goes, one day at a time, right?

Thanks, friends.

racingthoughts

I'm glad you made it through the moment of temptation paco. You seem to realize that it wasn't the best position to put yourself in, and I couldn't agree more. I WOULD NOT make a habit out of hanging around friends who are smoking and drinking right in front of you. I tried this during my first go around. It actually got harder the more times I did it because I was further and further from the initial hard days until one night about 6 months in I said screw it. What would your friend of 17-18 years say if you asked him to not smoke/drink the next time you two play video games together?

In terms of your wife being gone for the week, you must remain vigilant. I know when I'm alone without the people holding me accountable that it sets off the cravings. Are there any meetings where you live that you could go to during this week? Maybe you could think of something nice to surprise her with when she gets back home?

Sounds like you're doing well. Keep at it my man!

Pacoloco

Thanks RT.

I plan to go to a meeting tomorrow at night (NA).

During the day I plan to go to a "spiritual house", a kind of meeting as well.

My plan is to keep busy.

My surprise to my wife is being sober, something I never did when she went on a trip.

Sorry I'm a wreck right now. Day 5 is hell. I was freaky anxious and now I'm depressed. Mood swings are hard.

But OK. Let's do it.

Thanks man

happycampers

I know what you mean by anxiety, P. Today, I had a fire inspection on my building and that is always stressful. Looks like I will need a new main panel, which money will fix. Sure felt like a toke afterwards to calm the nerves, but choose to meditate for a hour and voila, afterwards , the craving was gone. Meditation , even if it is a short session, is my main strategy for dealing with anxiety, stress, etc. these days. It allows me to disconnect from the "busy, anxious mind" and in a sense, by allowing a lot of quiet "inner space", it seems to defuse whatever is going on in the mind. Just thought I'd share what's working for me with you, P. Get out today and go for walk or take yourself out for supper. ANYTHING but toke ( or drink - that's a trigger for me , like a door opener to going and getting pot).