elevatorecovery

I am writing this post to express my intent to abstain from cannabis smoking / vaping / eating marijuana edibles, anything with THC.

Picked up some taurine and theanine to help relax, as well as some legal CBD oil for the transition... it doesn't get me high but it is a little bit sedating.

Also some tomato soup, collard greens, and good bread and cheese for comfort food / soup and grilled cheese.

I want to get out to local fitness and meditation groups but I need a haircut and a shave, plus I'm wrestling with a lot of shame being back at my parents' house at age 34 and having trouble finding even basic jobs that I think I might enjoy.

If I go out and crash and burn in a conversation by communicating how much of a loser I am / feel like, it could prompt relapse. So I am posting here, working on my inner "stuff" / positive mindset a little first before trying out my new awesome sober personality with "the public."

I'm sort of concerned that if I do fitness groups I might meet women who want to hook up with me and/or vice versa and to me that is almost worse than using... so I rekindled a long-distance strictly platonic friendly email exchange with my ex, just to maybe get my head straight about women so I can go out and socialize without feeling desperate in that "single 30's guy" kind of way.

I was trying to make money online for a while with info-products but all the tech stuff (or just trying to do things in general) got so frustrating that I punched out all my laptops. Now I need to use monitors. I broke several smart phones so now I have a flip phone that I can't even find.

I'm wearing horn-rimmed glasses feeling like one of those soulless middle class / middle aged people, you know with thin hair and looking washed up, wearing sweatsuits and not having any real individual style... not that there's anything wrong with that.

At least I don't smoke cigarettes and have been sober from everything else for years / alcohol for 8+ months.

I could use a coffee though... that might be next on today's action-packed agenda of feeling sorry for myself and not applying for jobs (jk, kinda... I am revising a cover letter for a human services job, and I did get out to the grocery store earlier).

Side note about secondary addictions: I have strong spiritual values but the temptation to watch porn is pretty strong right now. Anything to "feel better." For me porn is a dangerous secondary addiction as is sugar but I would rather be sugared-up than addicted to porn... I don't know how kids can grow up sane in the world with that stuff calling to them from computers... I guess I was really lucky all we had when I was younger was magazines and videos here and there when we could find them... now the fruits of Babylon are just a web search away.

In a way, weed helped me control lust but long-term I think it exacerbated it and made me (at least feel) less human by degrees... so to fully regenerate my vigor and healthy lifestyle I will have to bear with the raw urges to lust or overeat junk food... cardio helps a lot with both of those, as do family and social support... once I am in a good space with good friendships my habits and attitudes tend to improve, for the most part.

The more clear-headed I get the more I really am not interested in the world of pop culture. Demi Lovato is even doing kind of edgy / racy music videos now which is like wtf, because she was sort of an inspiration to me at one point, now she's just another Miley, or so it would seem.

It was cool to see Elton John in concert in SF this summer though! He's a good example of sober success, as far as I can tell. Though I guess if I wanted to judge him or anyone and use it as an excuse to get high, I could do that.

And considering all I do is sit around, even becoming a less-than-pure pop star would be better than what I've been doing.

I would like to use my music to help bless people, we will see I guess where this whole "weed free" trip takes me.

No matter how squeaky clean my image ends up being, there will always be someone with a problem and an opinion, so ideally I will follow my joy and everything else will... be.

All the web-guru yoga recovery people make me feel nauseous / violent, definitely do not want what they have. Same thing with meetings. Too much hookup culture / people smoking cigs getting wasted on sugar and energy drinks or cheating on their spouses (or at least flirting as if they might as well be cheating) and then trying to talk down to me about being "sober"... no thanks. Nevermind if I mention any health issues I have, they all suddenly want to give me some medical advice... F that... all those "clean" people can keep their unclean boorish opinions to themselves...

I might do online MA meetings though, bc I do feel safe there... and it's discrete, kinda like the forum here, plus you folks do not seem to judge the crazy too harshly... otherwise I would never share all this... stuff... making myself kind of vulnerable.

Because even if we don't know who each other are, I do care what you think about me. And I want to feel good about the world. Even if that just means me being a happy person in it.

Posting a little on this forum has helped me see that I am not really interested in "recovery" as an area of study. I just want to get on with my life. I am more interested in spiritual experiences and insights to serve creativity, joy, and abundance with other like-minded people.

Everything I've shared in this post is what's on my mind at the moment. It is not meant to be a statement of belief or dogma, not intended to stir debate about what is best as far as recovery methods go.

And no, I'm not dissing Demi Lovato... or Miley... or yoga 12-step people... (and I definitely love yoga, just these online "guru" people... grrr... not a fan... of some of them...) they all just happen to turn my stomach at the moment.

No one, not even the most bogus "recovery guru" or trashy, self-degrading pop star can make me fire up a bowl without my permission.

I am thankful to share this intention, to elevate beyond recreational cannabis use, with other people who have had issues with marijuana addiction... to hold myself accountable.

Thanks

happycampers

Welcome aboard the clean train , elevator recovery ! I think you'll love the ride and you won't find any over-the-top people here - just ordinary joes getting our **** together and having a few friends here to support and cheer us on ! Type away anytime you feel a need to " unload" .

Dee74

Congrats on your decision elevatorecovery

I found quitting hard but not too hard if you know what I mean - I didn't have anything like taurine or CBD oil and I did just fine after smoking daily for 30 years - a little insomnia, a little sweaty, a lot irritable - but I made it, and I know you can make it too

None of us are saints, or evangelists...and none of us are boring people either!.

like RT said, ordinary folk - we just live life and have fun, sober

D

elevatorecovery

Thanks guys,

I appreciate the emphasis on low key enjoying sobriety... fun sounds fun... it would be cool to have fun and friends (other than family)... that's a goal I can shoot for... seems distant but may happen sooner than I could plan if I keep being a friend to myself.

andy

Dee74

I didn't really have any idea of what my life would be like post booze and drugs Andy - and in a way I'm glad of that now, cos I know I never could have imagined a life like this - it's awesome

Stick with it
D

Lorax1981

Hey Andy-
I can relate man. Feels like yesterday I was right where you're at. It was tough but I got sober. Now I can work on the other stuff. It hasn't helped my lack of style though:-(
-Ted

elevatorecovery

Haha yea yesterday I seemed to have a lot of "good reasons" to be mad at the world, my lack of fashion sense apparently being one of them!

Today I'm just like "Ahhh.... Day 1." (Yesterday was day 0.)

Plans today:

* drink water this morning and eat a healthy breakfast

* qi gong routine which I had been doing stoned most days (stopping in the middle to giggle about this or that or indulge in some weird fantasy / thoughts)... given how weed is said to depolarize the yin and yang the qi gong might be a tad more effective sober!

* finish a job application... my parents have been super supportive in helping me write a good cover letter and remind me that i might not want to include Labor Ready in my work history if I have something better.... which I do, thanks for the reminder, mom! (he says to the sober forum)

* clean one room of my parents' house where i'm house sitting and supposed to be cleaning

* smile (from the heart, feet on the ground, nothing too crazy)

* maybe go jogging... i kinda feel like it

and if i do all that... it would be amazing! even without the jogging! or much of a distinct personal style!

i might even shave, but... nah... probably not gonna happen... and that's fine.

I deleted all my websites where I would get peoples' email address and promote some kind of recovery system.

"Market research" actually led me to soberrecovery.com... but a weird thing happens with sobriety... it's just impossible to do it as a "business" without becoming a total slimeball... maybe because it's such a sacred thing, I dunno...

But yeah this time I'm going to just follow my gut and forget about making money trying to help people "improve" their lives because when I am doing the right thing in life I usually make plenty of money. Too much, even, to the point where I'll make big purchases that land me in debt.

I feel like it may be in my cards to buy land (I have some savings being held by family), so learning to just use money for what I need and devote the rest toward my land fund or whatever, could be something positive to occupy the mind... while working an honest day's work.

I was planning on holding a free writing workshop online in November because I have a literary background, but the truth is, I haven't written a word of fiction in maybe a year... I have to admit I've been making empty, evil plans for a long time, and not even coming close to practicing what I preach. Maybe instead I can offer a local creativity workshop via meetup, without some idiotic product launch attached at the end.

Now I want to get back to writing my books (or something better! maybe friendship with actual people?) and... who knows, maybe if I can stay really sober and get a job so I can let go of the idea of "making money in my sleep," then I can also schedule in creative time to work on projects I really care about, and involve others in my local community instead of hiding behind a computer screen... and then my "big ideas" can grow into something awesome that uses money just, in an actually great way.

I'm only sharing all that about my false motives here because I feel that this is the safest place for me to do so. I'm not soliciting any of those ideas, which as you can tell I'm beginning to realize were just terrible ideas anyway... at least my motivation and level of preparation were inappropriate to say the least.

I dropped in on an online MA meeting last night... they start late where I am (9pm eastern) but I caught the end of an early business meeting in one of their chat rooms... even though they were approving minutes and discussing PayPal stuff it felt nice to sort of be part of something bigger than myself, with people practicing selfless service.

Which is exactly what this forum is, for me. Thanks Dee, Lorax, HappyCampers for your supportive cool replies.

I imagine I will come here and unload on this thread and keep track of my sober time off weed here. Having quit alcohol without any program (I moderated for a while then had a scary experience, and just quit), and having been sober from hard drugs and cigarettes for years, I really only feel comfortable in a place like this where I can think and accept feedback without someone being physically "in my face" telling me i need to do this or that or go to this meeting or that meeting... just the words of support are so helpful!

Thanks for letting me share,
andy

elevatorecovery

PS: I am not judging people who work for pay in the addiction recovery field. Those who add some specialized knowledge or skill or service beyond sharing their own life experience or common sense suggestions from another sober person, are legit and deserve to be paid, imo.... i just felt like where i am at just now quitting weed, it would not be appropriate to build some kind of paid service around recovery... hence... posting here to help get my own self on the right track instead

elevatorecovery

I just tried to post twice and can't seem to stay logged in.

Destroyed another laptop.

Will never be a normal person. I hate normal people.

Will only post on this thread. I noticed when I try to post helpful stuff sometimes people PM me asking for help and I don't really feel comfortable with that. I am here for my own sobriety so as long as I don't get banned you can find me here.

So many regrets about everything...

Smoking weed won't help though.

Pardon the brevity, i just feel really traumatized and paranoid about the computer saying I am not logged in and losing the post.

Will copy before clicking post so (I hope) if i get booted off I won't lose everything.

I hate the world. It is an inherently destructive place. People are mostly evil.

I am not sure what to do with those facts. I guess I can view them as partial truths...
for example "I hate the world, but there might be some aspects to love if I look for them."

"The world is inherently destructive, and creative at the same time. There is wisdom in that duality and the suffering it entails."

"I hate normal people but maybe if I choose to love them they can go beyond their self-imposed normalcy."

"People are mostly evil but maybe that means there is some good in them. And some people may be mostly good. Maybe on some level everyone is good!"

Hey, anything to help me want to get out of bed and finish this JOB APPLICATION... argh...

elevatorecovery

it just sucks being the type of person everyone automatically hates... a high IQ nerd who is quiet and has a ton to offer... that no one wants... great life, right here.

elevatorecovery

I took a break with the job application instead of plowing forward.... I asked a couple advisors which jobs to include because I have so many employment gaps... if I was getting so angry I became violent it's probably better to hold off anyway.

I'm also starting into a lot of the same drug seeking patterns. I will go for a run and see whether that helps. I bet it will.

Lorax1981

Rome wasn't built in a day buddy. You're gonna have a short fuse in the early days, like no fuse. Take it out on some yard work or a jog. Writing a long post- do it in a word processor and paste. Could save another laptop screen. Weed withdrawal made me blow at the smallest thing then back to the entire other end of the spectrum. Eat good, rest good, workout good, but be easy too. Don't smoke. Easier said than done but good goals. Baby steps right now are okay.

racingthoughts

Yup been there done that. Had a long time where I hoped someone would bump into me on the street just so I could have an excuse to tell them off. I have misophonia too, a condition where certain everyday sounds sends me into a rage, that I used to self-medicate with weed. That's been tough to deal with as well.

Best advice I can give is to just ride this out as best you can. You'll only become angrier with yourself and the world if you smoke. Isolate yourself if you have to. Give your laptop a break (not the kind you gave it). Exercise should help. I found that the rage came in waves and was over for the most part in a few weeks. You'll get there. You're doing the right thing. All the anger you numbed by smoking didn't go anywhere, it just built up inside you until now. Every action has a reaction.

CharlesG

Firstly, thank you for sharing all of this. It has been insightful and entertaining as I feel I share many of the same views as you!
I know that smoking will keep me in the same place I always end back in whether mentally or physically. I am very grateful for there being a sub-division for weed because it is much more of a problem than alcohol for me. I do it all day and feel that since i'm not crazy drunk and sloppy that it's not a problem. What I realize every time is that it sucks the creativity out of me. My body/mind goes into fight or flight mode and forces me to either do something creative or do nothing. It's usually the latter, and if not, it's not the same as me sober for better or worse. Keep fighting man, i'm here because I don't want my life to end where it is now!
I do music also, and used to idolize people who have sober success. That is def a double edged sword, we all have our own journeys. I support you 300% on your journey and know that I am here going through this with you! BE all you can BE!!