teodor

Sooo long story short ... I was craving as you already know.
I got the sample from my parents house and took it with me. I've decided to either smoke it or throw it away, was thinking about smoking it maybe.

I opened it, looked at it, smelled it and etc. It looked and smelled good, it seemed to be "good" stuff. Then I put it away. I was not sure what to do.

So I logged in here, as it helps me, then I went to MA chat room and chatted with some people there and felt better (first time going there). Then I decided to do what you've told me when I got it in the first place and also what the people in the chat told me (it's one of the 12 steps, not that I use them, but one of them as far as I understood is to do the opposite of what your addicted brain is telling you).

So I flushed the damn thing away. I flushed it again and again until none was left floating.

So here I am still sober and pot free. No sample no nothing. Feels better that way.

Thank you for all the support. I still have to think about the whole alcohol thing. Not that I drink a lot or anything, but still I've to be careful I guess. I seem to be drinking more now that I don't smoke and look forward to it sometimes.

racingthoughts

That's awesome to hear teodor. You did the right thing and won't have any regrets, I promise.

Dee74

I'm really glad you flushed it Teodor.

As far as drinking goes - some people can do it and I have no problem with that....but if you find yourself drinking to 'get out of it', or to 'get wasted', that would be a very big red flag, so be vigilant

D

teodor

Thank you guys!

To be honest, maybe I regret it a little bit in terms that I was saving it for ... dunno ... some day that I'll smoke again and maybe not feel bad about it.
But then, maybe it's better that way, now if I want to get some, I've to call the dealer and etc and not use ******* samples, so that will make things more real.

Anyway ... day 115

racingthoughts

Nice insights. No need to test ourselves, we're moving on from all that. Being in close proximity to that stuff is dangerous.

teodor

Soo today marks 4 months! This is the longest period I've made since 2012, when from 2011 to 2012 I had close to a year.

I dunno if I want to be obsessing with periods and dates and etc though.

So far so good. I'm happy with the achievement I've made! It's something that I needed.

I still have a lot of things to sort out, work to get done and etc, so I've to keep on the good job. But honestly I don't know if I'm done with pot or even if I want to be done with pot.

But today marks 4 months and that's awesome!

Dee74

way to go Teodor !

D

happycampers

Way to go, Teodor ! A big Congratulations on those four months !
Don't worry too much about whether you'll smoke later or not - just keep doing what you're doing today and let tomorrow take care of tomorrow. I fully understand your desire to "maybe" smoke later as I feel the same way. I'm not focusing on that right now as I really want to give my mind and body time to heal before even considering it. I do know IF I decide to smoke again, it would be with very tight moderation mgmt. rules in place, like buying no more than one gram at a time and no more than once a month, etc. I have study the stats of how moderation mgmt. has allowed many people to pull themselves back into line, but it does take a lot of vigilance til the brain learns the new rules, like one is enough, for example. And some people find that moderation is simply too much work and effort. So, I don't knock either way a person decides to go, as long as they know their own limits and if those are broken again after a long abstinence period, then maybe it is time to leave it completely behind. But frankly, for me, I'm enjoying so many good things from me remaining clean and sober that , at this point, I could never see myself going back to the old me. I love waking up refreshed , I love having a clear mind, I love that my mind and emotions are far more calm and stable, I love that I'm much more patient and kind with others, I love that I'm growing far more on a spiritual level, etc- I could go for another page ! So, pot seems to lost a lot of it's luster. I KNOW if I were to let myself go on a binge , I'd lose all the goodness I've gained and have to start all over again, losing the momentum I'd built through soberity. But like you, I have not fully committed to a lifetime of soberity - time will tell . I do know if I decided to smoke again, it would only be a rare occasion or nothing at all ! I ABSOLUTELY refuse to back to the old ways. But for now, the brain needs more time to heal and make new, more positive connections before that !

Here's an interesting article for you :

Incubation of craving: The fast road to relapse | Understanding Addiction

teodor

Hello,

Sooo ... I relapsed.
I was at this party kind of thing yesterday and got high.

To be honest, it seemed as like I was searching for it, because before that I was at this other party at the office and was thinking about it and I noticed this guy that seemed to have smoked and I was like making jokes if he has something else and etc, you know what I mean. I was also thinking that maybe he feels better and that maybe I would have felt better if I was high.

Anyway, I had already drank before going to the second party, where some people announced there were going out to smoke (nothing being mentioned about pot) and I made a joke about what exactly they're going to smoke and then I understood they're actually going to smoke pot, so I joined. It's not like they have passed it in front of me and caught me off guard, I walked outside by myself to smoke with them.

I smoked twice, got high, then got quite drunk and etc and if there were other drugs I dunno if I wouldn't have hit them as well.

Anyway, today I had BIG hangover, I must have had too much to drink. I'm still recovering. I was thinking about pot, even almost called the dealer (actually I did called, but he didn't answered thank god and I closed).

To be honest ... I kind of enjoyed being high again, although it brought back some insecurity and etc. It wasn't bad as the previous relapse, but then I was not alone as well, so maybe that made a difference.

Anyway ... I don't know if I should reset the count. I was kind of proud with my 138 days, but then I've started drinking more than before and today when I was about to call the dealer I was thinking that if not smoking for me would mean drinking more, then I should better smoke instead of drinking.

Family issues keep on going and some other stressful things, it's just hard for me lately ...

Not the best post for Christmas, but that's the situation.

So I'm torn between not seeing it as a big thing, not resetting the count and go on or maybe smoke more ....

To be honest now that I've smoked the desire to smoke is more stronger.
But I don't want to be back to the old habits and etc.

I can't tell how I feel after I smoked, because I got too drunk so I feel like crap anyway.

So I don't know if I feel bad or good about it ...
To be honest, I don't want to even think about it that much ...

I just want life to be more simple and not so complicated.
I'm tired guys ... I just want to be happy, content, relaxed, calm and to feel secure and not to worry about things and etc.

I know that there are people with a lot bigger problems than mine, but then ...

I dunno what to say ... I'm just tired and stressed. I still have obsessive thoughts and etc and can't stop thinking about certain things that are worrying me, some of them are important (like health related things, although obsessing about them it's not helping), but some are ridiculous.

Anyway ... I must keep on being strong, so I can sort out my things and etc.

I do have some desire to smoke again, but I'm scared to not affect me negatively. I also should think about the whole drinking thing. I dunno if I start smoking again, maybe I won't have the desire to drink anymore and that will be good. I always preferred pot. So I dunno.

It's not that I have a problem with alcohol, but I can see a tendency starting to build up and I'm scared a little bit.

My brother has problems with alcohol and that scares me even more.

Thank you guys for everything and sorry about the bad post ... I know it's Christmas but ...

Thank you!

Dee74

Hey Teodor
I know it might sound counter intuitive right niow, but the way I found all those things was by not drinking or smoking.

I realised after I got sober that my definition of happy, content, relaxed, calm and secure was the short lived respite I got from pot and booze.

I deserved the real thing - real happiness, contentment, relaxation, calmness and security - and the only way I've found that is to stop futzing with my brain chemistry.

It wasn't easy, or short - but I'm glad I put in the work, and kept the faith.

I really hope you decide to recommit to recovery too Teodor cos it's the only way to move forward and stop going round in circles...

D

racingthoughts

I'm sorry you relapsed teodor. It sounds like a similar situation to when I did.

I was drunk too. I remember the sensation of "oh, I remember this. this isn't a big deal. i used to do this all the time." Within a month I was back to every day. Within three months I was a psychological wreck.

The problem is that addiction's progressive and using has a hidden price tag. We want all the relaxation benefits or whatever of getting high, but have to realize that the hangovers and compulsion to get more are a part of it too. Calling the dealer the next day isn't something someone who didn't have a problem would've done.

Yea life and addiction is very complicated. I've been finding though that like Dee said, the best thing we can do to control it is not use. Once we get into a pattern of active addiction, our lives and mental health are totally out of our hands.

And yes, I would expect the craving to be re-awakened now that you've smoked. It happened with me, and is just the physiological aspect of it. It's also way too easy to say "hey, I did it once and the roof didn't cave in, what's one more time going to do?". One thing we can do is acknowledge cravings without acting on them. A craving lasts between 20 minutes and 3 hours. It is what it is, and doesn't have to be fed. We just have to re-commit ourselves.

All the happiness and contentment you want won't be found with weed and alcohol. We're just addicts who don't know where else to look except our resources of temporary chemical pleasure with a hidden price tag.

I wish you the best and really hope you can re-commit yourself to this because you really can. This can either be a mere setback and learning experience or a lame excuse for you to lose control of your life again. Don't worry about counting days, worry about moving forward.

teodor

Thank you!

I dunno, I was kind of attached to the date and counting days as well, so I dunno if I should reset. I don't really want to, plus if I do, it will be easier to relapse I guess, because I've already resetted so why not smoke more, u know.

So far so good, still not feeling very well, not having appetite as well, don't know why is that. I'm having some mild cravings, but so far I'm moving forward.

I feel very down due to a lot of things.
Anyway, thank you for the support!

Merry Christmas folks!

Dee74

Keep reaching out here Teodor

D

BlissWithin

On the last month of my drinking I was very proud of myself because although I was drinking heavily I was not touching weed or coke, I was 4 months clean I thought to myself, so I decided to quit booze for good.

I relapsed on coke 4 days later.

What I am trying to say is be cautious about your drinking patterns, if you don't think you should be sober from all substances. I would smoke a lot of weed when I didnt want to drink too much and drink heavily when there was no weed around.

racingthoughts

Addiction is the disease. The drug of choice is a technicality. It can be hard to accept, but you've got to take a long hard look at yourself and decide where you want to go.

teodor

Thank you for the advises!

I was wondering if it's possible from one time smoking to have withdrawal symptoms for days, it seems now that I sleep more, have less appetite and etc.

What do you think ? Or maybe I'm just obsessing about it.

Thank you for the continuous support!

racingthoughts

I couldn't tell you teodor. When I relapsed, I personally did not after only one time. I did after about 5 or 6. I know alcoholics who relapse if they've been on and off multiple times can due to the kindling effect. Not sure about weed. What I am sure about is that what you're experiencing will be about as tame as it'll get compared to if you were to smoke again. It might just be anxiety. Whatever it is shouldn't last too long.

Dee74

I think kindling applies - it's not an alcohol only phenomenon.

not the best article in the world but it makes some useful points:

https://drugtreatmentnewsweekly.word...-of-addiction/

D

happycampers

Awesome post, Dee ! I'm beginning to find the same thing myself and I love it! I loved that line of NOT futzing with our brain chemistry. I know for me now that it doesn't serve me well at all . Having a clear, stable mind helps everything else in Life be better handled and dealt with in a good way and relationships are better. I have really noticed an increasing ability to be aware of my silly mind patterns and to stop them from gaining any traction or momentum - like I have gained the brakes back for my mind and that is truly empowering because many of those patterns are just plain silly, stupid or futile. The result being more inner peace and internal freedom from external events. This would NOT be happening if I was still smoking almost daily. The longer I am go without, the better it gets. I still have moments of 'gee, it would be nice to have a toke ' , but it passes quick enough. I move my mind on. Thanks a lot for that post - it really resonated with me, Dee. And great post from RT too ! I hope you can move forward with them ,Teodor

MisL

My daughter relapsed after 3 months. She can't sleep without it, said "her back pain" is too bad without it. But when she hasn't had it, I see the anxiety, and manic tendencies, and the depression that takes over. Every little thing becomes a big deal. I HATE IT for her. HATE IT SO MUCH. She is much better than she used to be but still, I am a sad mom when I see her scrambling around about it