Here we go
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I was never able to moderate worth a damn teodor.
to be blunt, I think that it's a pipe dream - no pun intended - for anyone who's come so far as needing to post here.
Have you considered other healthier ways that might help you deal or cope with the family stuff?
D
to be blunt, I think that it's a pipe dream - no pun intended - for anyone who's come so far as needing to post here.
Have you considered other healthier ways that might help you deal or cope with the family stuff?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
Teodor. The moderation fantasy is a fantasy from what I've seen and experienced. Non-addicts don't have to put a conscious effort into moderation, they just naturally do it. I truly believe that once we've crossed the line into addiction there's no going back.
I tried moderating. Relapsed. Smoked again a week later. Smoked three days after that. Kept it at once every three days for a week or two and only at night. Then that turned into every other day. Then that turned into every night. Then I bought some and was like "oh I just won't smoke before mid-afternoon". Within a month it was back to multiple times a day. A month after that it was all day every day. My brain tricked me into a moderation fantasy that ended in disaster. And this isn't just me. I've never seen anyone quit and go back to being a casual user. Even if they aren't smoking, they're obsessing about it.
Trust your track record and not your emotions. If you weren't able to hop back on successfully before, what makes you think this time will be different? It won't.
If you're able to get through whatever you're going through without smoking, your resilience will be all the greater.
Stick with it. Ask yourself "do I need to smoke today?" The answer will be no, and you can take it from there.
Congrats on 100 days too buddy. Currently 126 for me.
I tried moderating. Relapsed. Smoked again a week later. Smoked three days after that. Kept it at once every three days for a week or two and only at night. Then that turned into every other day. Then that turned into every night. Then I bought some and was like "oh I just won't smoke before mid-afternoon". Within a month it was back to multiple times a day. A month after that it was all day every day. My brain tricked me into a moderation fantasy that ended in disaster. And this isn't just me. I've never seen anyone quit and go back to being a casual user. Even if they aren't smoking, they're obsessing about it.
Trust your track record and not your emotions. If you weren't able to hop back on successfully before, what makes you think this time will be different? It won't.
If you're able to get through whatever you're going through without smoking, your resilience will be all the greater.
Stick with it. Ask yourself "do I need to smoke today?" The answer will be no, and you can take it from there.
Congrats on 100 days too buddy. Currently 126 for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 293
Hi happy, thanks for checking in on me.
I'm doing fine I guess.
Lately I'm thinking more about smoking again. It's like I know I'm gonna do it someday, but I'm just postponing and postponing. It's just that I want to numb some feelings and thoughts, but I dunno if that's gonna help, then I think about how I call the dealer after smoking to get more and how I give him money and etc and I'm just like - meeeh, I don't want that, at least not now.
I want to get high, but I don't want to be back to smoking regularly, dealers, carrying it around, being afraid or running out, giving more for it, having to smoke before this and that and after this and that and all the other things that come with being a pot head. But then sometimes I just want to get high and escape a little bit into this so called "magical" world, but to be honest, I've no idea how I'll feel and if I'll like it if I was to smoke again.
Friday night I got drunk and got really moody, angry, sad, emotional and etc (I think I was even crying now that I think about it, I also started thinking about exes, old friendship gone bad, family stuff and all kinds of things like that) and I started craving for my true desire - pot. Good that I didn't had any on me (I was thinking should I go and get the sample from my parents house, but then I was like - wtf dude). I don't know if someone was to give me whether I would smoke or not. Same night I had a dream about smoking again.
Yeah, it seems that I drink more now than before, but alcohol does not give me the same feelings and etc like pot (This is why pot was my doc after all). It makes me more moody, more aggressive and etc, more sad I guess, but still i enjoy it, I guess it depends on the quantity, sometimes it's good, sometimes not really, I don't know to be honest. But it seems that I enjoy it more than before. It also seems that I crave pot more after I've been drinking, even the next day.
Sooo, I dunno, I guess I'm doing fine, but I'm still thinking that maybe once I got things a little bit sorted out, then maybe I'll smoke again and actually enjoy it. Because if I do it now, I'll most probably not.
I was thinking about writing those things here on SR, but I was postponing, so thanks for checking in again.
There's lots of things on my mind, and lot's of old things I'm trying to figure out and sort out and etc and sometimes I just want to get high and space out, but then I know how that will end most probably. So for now I am not, but if I have to use willpower, that's not really good, cause soon or later most probably I'll run out of it and etc.
It's like I'm a little bit depressed and etc, I have lots of work to do, but I'm postponing and not doing it. Also other things I should do I'm not. Before I thought it was the pot, but now I'm not sure. It is better than before tbh but still ... so I dunno.
Lately I've been thinking also if all this smoking was to numb feelings and etc that I had and to escape reality kind of. You know, there were some family issues and stuff going on and on for years, so pot was my way to escape this all. I dunno if that's the cause or I'm just trying to justify myself and my past actions.
It came out a long post and I still have a lot on my mind.
I've been reading some old threats and post lately here or SR as I find that this helps sometimes, even reading my own old posts and etc.
How are you doing happy ?
And all the others ? How are you doing ? Haven't heard from anyone lately.
Thinking of you!
Keep us posted and thank you again!
I'm doing fine I guess.
Lately I'm thinking more about smoking again. It's like I know I'm gonna do it someday, but I'm just postponing and postponing. It's just that I want to numb some feelings and thoughts, but I dunno if that's gonna help, then I think about how I call the dealer after smoking to get more and how I give him money and etc and I'm just like - meeeh, I don't want that, at least not now.
I want to get high, but I don't want to be back to smoking regularly, dealers, carrying it around, being afraid or running out, giving more for it, having to smoke before this and that and after this and that and all the other things that come with being a pot head. But then sometimes I just want to get high and escape a little bit into this so called "magical" world, but to be honest, I've no idea how I'll feel and if I'll like it if I was to smoke again.
Friday night I got drunk and got really moody, angry, sad, emotional and etc (I think I was even crying now that I think about it, I also started thinking about exes, old friendship gone bad, family stuff and all kinds of things like that) and I started craving for my true desire - pot. Good that I didn't had any on me (I was thinking should I go and get the sample from my parents house, but then I was like - wtf dude). I don't know if someone was to give me whether I would smoke or not. Same night I had a dream about smoking again.
Yeah, it seems that I drink more now than before, but alcohol does not give me the same feelings and etc like pot (This is why pot was my doc after all). It makes me more moody, more aggressive and etc, more sad I guess, but still i enjoy it, I guess it depends on the quantity, sometimes it's good, sometimes not really, I don't know to be honest. But it seems that I enjoy it more than before. It also seems that I crave pot more after I've been drinking, even the next day.
Sooo, I dunno, I guess I'm doing fine, but I'm still thinking that maybe once I got things a little bit sorted out, then maybe I'll smoke again and actually enjoy it. Because if I do it now, I'll most probably not.
I was thinking about writing those things here on SR, but I was postponing, so thanks for checking in again.
There's lots of things on my mind, and lot's of old things I'm trying to figure out and sort out and etc and sometimes I just want to get high and space out, but then I know how that will end most probably. So for now I am not, but if I have to use willpower, that's not really good, cause soon or later most probably I'll run out of it and etc.
It's like I'm a little bit depressed and etc, I have lots of work to do, but I'm postponing and not doing it. Also other things I should do I'm not. Before I thought it was the pot, but now I'm not sure. It is better than before tbh but still ... so I dunno.
Lately I've been thinking also if all this smoking was to numb feelings and etc that I had and to escape reality kind of. You know, there were some family issues and stuff going on and on for years, so pot was my way to escape this all. I dunno if that's the cause or I'm just trying to justify myself and my past actions.
It came out a long post and I still have a lot on my mind.
I've been reading some old threats and post lately here or SR as I find that this helps sometimes, even reading my own old posts and etc.
How are you doing happy ?
And all the others ? How are you doing ? Haven't heard from anyone lately.
Thinking of you!
Keep us posted and thank you again!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Nice post Theo. Thanks for sharing. It takes some stones to open up like that. Even behind the safety of a keyboard.
Those feelings you have are normal. Very normal. And those same feelings are the root of addiction. Think about it. You already know doing drunks or drinking heavily doesn't make those problems go away. You can't smoke them out or drown them. They do not breath.
We don't like being uncomfortable or depressed or stressed. Not for a week, a day, or an hour. Drug users know one way to deal with issues. Drug users and alcoholics are emotionally, spiritually, and mentally immature. That's a fact. Plain and simple. Because we do not experience what we need to experience and we don't work our way through them the hard way.
When we work through issues naturally, we learn and grow. We become stronger and more mature emotionally.
You can get drunk and might have a good time. You can get wasted for a few hours and forget the problems. But they always come back. Always. And with more vigor. You can get stoned for a few hours and have a temporary relief from the issues that are bothering you. But they'll come back. Stronger.
Why? Because those issues require your attention. They need to be dealt with one way or another. Either you change your outlook in them, accept them and process them differently, or you take action to change what's causing them. These internal issues will get louder and louder until you solve them or change your perspective.
This is where therapy helps. Talking with a professional. Somebody who knows multiple answers to the issues and simply guides you to find what will work for YOU.
Other powerful techniques include mediation. Having the ability to clear your mind then focus on one thing at a time. We have the smarts and at a minimum know various steps we can take or things we can do that may make a difference.
Your at a critical stage. You have the choice to grow or to dwarf your emotional age. The bottom line is, you need to learn other ways of dealing with life's pits. If drugs and alcohol is all you ever know...well...lets just say life will be nothing but a bowl of pits. It'll get worse and worse.
If you're looking for escape from stress or depression...put some work into other options. You'll be sooooo much better off!
Those feelings you have are normal. Very normal. And those same feelings are the root of addiction. Think about it. You already know doing drunks or drinking heavily doesn't make those problems go away. You can't smoke them out or drown them. They do not breath.
We don't like being uncomfortable or depressed or stressed. Not for a week, a day, or an hour. Drug users know one way to deal with issues. Drug users and alcoholics are emotionally, spiritually, and mentally immature. That's a fact. Plain and simple. Because we do not experience what we need to experience and we don't work our way through them the hard way.
When we work through issues naturally, we learn and grow. We become stronger and more mature emotionally.
You can get drunk and might have a good time. You can get wasted for a few hours and forget the problems. But they always come back. Always. And with more vigor. You can get stoned for a few hours and have a temporary relief from the issues that are bothering you. But they'll come back. Stronger.
Why? Because those issues require your attention. They need to be dealt with one way or another. Either you change your outlook in them, accept them and process them differently, or you take action to change what's causing them. These internal issues will get louder and louder until you solve them or change your perspective.
This is where therapy helps. Talking with a professional. Somebody who knows multiple answers to the issues and simply guides you to find what will work for YOU.
Other powerful techniques include mediation. Having the ability to clear your mind then focus on one thing at a time. We have the smarts and at a minimum know various steps we can take or things we can do that may make a difference.
Your at a critical stage. You have the choice to grow or to dwarf your emotional age. The bottom line is, you need to learn other ways of dealing with life's pits. If drugs and alcohol is all you ever know...well...lets just say life will be nothing but a bowl of pits. It'll get worse and worse.
If you're looking for escape from stress or depression...put some work into other options. You'll be sooooo much better off!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
As you already seem to be doing teodor, we have to remember that smoking has a hidden price tag. The burnouts, waiting for your dealer to text you back, and the rest of the baggage is all part of what smoking brings. Play the tape, play the tape, and play the tape. I highly doubt you'll ever wake up in the morning and say "man, I really wished I smoked yesterday". And in case you're doubting about whether you're an addict or not, your reasons for wanting to smoke are addict reasons (to escape).
Happiness isn't going to just come to you man. You have to work for it. I've suggested a bunch of things to you in the past that I still firmly believe could really help you. I won't repeat myself here, but they're sprinkled all throughout this thread if you've forgotten.
You've got a decent chunk of time under your belt. You're past the acute withdrawal phase and dealing with a lot of this **** now will be much easier than if you relapse WHICH IS NOT THE ANSWER. Recovery takes action. Abstinence is only one component of it.
During my last quit, I missed smoking. After I relapsed, it didn't take long at all for me to begin missing sobriety.
Happiness isn't going to just come to you man. You have to work for it. I've suggested a bunch of things to you in the past that I still firmly believe could really help you. I won't repeat myself here, but they're sprinkled all throughout this thread if you've forgotten.
You've got a decent chunk of time under your belt. You're past the acute withdrawal phase and dealing with a lot of this **** now will be much easier than if you relapse WHICH IS NOT THE ANSWER. Recovery takes action. Abstinence is only one component of it.
During my last quit, I missed smoking. After I relapsed, it didn't take long at all for me to begin missing sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Hi Teodor-
I respect that you can be totally honest because it is hard to do. You're making progress by getting to the bottom of things and putting it down on "paper". If you stay quit you'll be able to deal with and remedy some of the things that are weighing on you at the moment instead of postponing the inevitable, which is being back at the same spot. Save your money, save your mind. Take care!
I respect that you can be totally honest because it is hard to do. You're making progress by getting to the bottom of things and putting it down on "paper". If you stay quit you'll be able to deal with and remedy some of the things that are weighing on you at the moment instead of postponing the inevitable, which is being back at the same spot. Save your money, save your mind. Take care!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
DI agree with what everyone is saying , Teodor. I think you'll end up really regretting it if you go back. Why not do as RT and find a professional counsellor to speak ? This white knuckling it can't go on forever and you're going to break one way or another - either falling back and smoking or reaching out for some professional help to assist you through these thoughts? I am abstinent and I am enjoying it . I LOVE waking up refreshed and I love that my emotional and mental state is far more balanced and solid. I can stay present far easier and stay out of stupid, repetitive mind stories much easier. Life's challenges are easier to work through clearheaded. For every reason you see how pot might help you, I see how it can and will just hurt you. Maybe do a Cost/Benefits analysis on the whole pot issue, so you can see it on paper . Then put it on your fridge as a daily reminder. For me, I've worked through the cost of picking up pot again and I'm simply not interested in losing what I'm gaining for the mostly imagined ,short term enjoyment of pot. I've put it behind me now and I'm excited to see how I grow and mature over time. I know I do like the person in the mirror more already and it'll only get better with time, so that's my sign that YES, living a healthy , clean life for me is the right choice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
Diddo on what hc said about white knuckling it. We talked about this a lot when I was in outpatient and why it doesn't work. Willpower runs out over time. You're looking at weed as something precious that you're depriving yourself of. It's why we have to change our thinking and fill the void left by addiction. Only saying this because I did exactly what you're doing for six months. Drinking, no help, pure white knuckling it. It doesn't work. Why not change something? I know I'm sick of battling this crap. You must be too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 293
Thank you so much for your answers and attention! It really means a lot to me.
I've read and re-read what you wrote, but I'm just not sure what to answer.
I really liked what RT said about waking up some day and saying "man, I really wished I smoked yesterday" - hah, it most probably will be the other way around.
Also, on my last relapse it was pretty much like RT said, I began missing sobriety, only that I did it pretty much right away and I also got to smoking daily from Day 1. As I remember, it took you some more time to get back there.
Yeah, the price tag. Yeah, being an addict. Exactly this is what's stopping me from smoking. If I didn't had a problem with that, I wouldn't be even thinking about it or being here at SR. And the price tag ... my last relapse was scary in a way and it is something that's stopping me from smoking again - I mean I'm actually scared to smoke again tbh.
But then again it's like I feel I'm not over it. It's like I don't want to give it up entirely, like not ever again or something. It's like I imagine this better time when I'll be better and happier and I'll smoke and it will just enhance things instead of making them more complicated. Of course I might be just daydreaming. So I dunno. Sometimes I think about the times when I was smoking and parts of them or certain periods I miss, but others I'm just terrified of.
I too might have done bad decisions due to my pot smoking, but is hard to determine if it was the pot or me doing it.
Seeing a professional might not be a bad idea, but there are few things that are concerning me. First - it has to be someone really good, because someone not good enough might lead me into wrong path.
Then, I need to spend hours and hours and hours and hours with him to be able to tell him the whole story behind everything, because there are different story lines involving different people, each and one of them requiring some attention and etc. Is just that we have lot's of things pilling on each other and resulting in what is the final thing (also, being correlated to each other). So, that will take a lot of time ... quite a lot I guess. But who knows. Maybe I'm just exaggerating it.
I mean - my pot addiction is just a piece of the whole puzzle and I remember when seeing a professional about it (because I did, but it was a different kind of professional, dealing with addictions, but still) I met her like few/several times and there was still so much to talk out, so many things, and it was just about pot.
For a professional to help me out really, I have to tell him the story of my life and that will be interesting and time consuming And that's only to tell him the story - then we need to talk about each and every thing and sort it out.
Then comes the price behind it in terms of money - all those hours will be quite pricey. And currently I'm trying to sort out my financial situation as well (another thing stopping me from smoking, just when I think about giving money for it the way I did oh boy oh boy and yeah, parts of my current financial situation are due to my pot addiction) so that will be a hassle I guess.
I value my sobriety, don't get me wrong. I feel more in control and etc. But still sometimes I just need to space out sort of. You know ... get high, watch a movie etc. I dunno ... maybe it's also due to being lonely. You know - when you smoke you don't feel as lonely. You get high, you get into things, like you know how when you're high and get obsessed about something, it could be anything, watching a tv show, reading something, playing a game, I dunno so you tend to want to to this the whoole time (which can easily lead to being addicted to other things maybe, anyway). So I guess maybe you don't feel the loneliness as much when you smoke and etc, but I dunno ... maybe parts of me are trying to find excuses to smoke again or something. I dunno.
Then I know it's a bad idea, at least for now .... it won't give me the happiness and joy I search and I'll end up regretting it most probably. But then again the thinking pattern of - OK, I'll sort this and that and then I can maybe smoke again.
So I dunno ... it came out long post again, but there's really lots on my mind.
Don't get me wrong ... I'm happy with the life I have, it's just that there many things that are .... can't really find the word. But I don't want to end but like being ungrateful or wining or something like that. I also don't want to be like exaggerating the problems I have and etc. I dunno, maybe I am. I mean, there are people with real problems out there and here I am wining about this and that .... so I dunno really ...
I also don't know if the whole smoking pot things is due to some of the issues, or it's just me being I dunno ... or is both things combined. Pfff ... no idea ..
Thank you again for your support and experience. It means a lot to me, really.
Thank you!
I've read and re-read what you wrote, but I'm just not sure what to answer.
I really liked what RT said about waking up some day and saying "man, I really wished I smoked yesterday" - hah, it most probably will be the other way around.
Also, on my last relapse it was pretty much like RT said, I began missing sobriety, only that I did it pretty much right away and I also got to smoking daily from Day 1. As I remember, it took you some more time to get back there.
Yeah, the price tag. Yeah, being an addict. Exactly this is what's stopping me from smoking. If I didn't had a problem with that, I wouldn't be even thinking about it or being here at SR. And the price tag ... my last relapse was scary in a way and it is something that's stopping me from smoking again - I mean I'm actually scared to smoke again tbh.
But then again it's like I feel I'm not over it. It's like I don't want to give it up entirely, like not ever again or something. It's like I imagine this better time when I'll be better and happier and I'll smoke and it will just enhance things instead of making them more complicated. Of course I might be just daydreaming. So I dunno. Sometimes I think about the times when I was smoking and parts of them or certain periods I miss, but others I'm just terrified of.
I too might have done bad decisions due to my pot smoking, but is hard to determine if it was the pot or me doing it.
Seeing a professional might not be a bad idea, but there are few things that are concerning me. First - it has to be someone really good, because someone not good enough might lead me into wrong path.
Then, I need to spend hours and hours and hours and hours with him to be able to tell him the whole story behind everything, because there are different story lines involving different people, each and one of them requiring some attention and etc. Is just that we have lot's of things pilling on each other and resulting in what is the final thing (also, being correlated to each other). So, that will take a lot of time ... quite a lot I guess. But who knows. Maybe I'm just exaggerating it.
I mean - my pot addiction is just a piece of the whole puzzle and I remember when seeing a professional about it (because I did, but it was a different kind of professional, dealing with addictions, but still) I met her like few/several times and there was still so much to talk out, so many things, and it was just about pot.
For a professional to help me out really, I have to tell him the story of my life and that will be interesting and time consuming
And that's only to tell him the story - then we need to talk about each and every thing and sort it out.Then comes the price behind it in terms of money - all those hours will be quite pricey. And currently I'm trying to sort out my financial situation as well (another thing stopping me from smoking, just when I think about giving money for it the way I did oh boy oh boy and yeah, parts of my current financial situation are due to my pot addiction) so that will be a hassle I guess.
I value my sobriety, don't get me wrong. I feel more in control and etc. But still sometimes I just need to space out sort of. You know ... get high, watch a movie etc. I dunno ... maybe it's also due to being lonely. You know - when you smoke you don't feel as lonely. You get high, you get into things, like you know how when you're high and get obsessed about something, it could be anything, watching a tv show, reading something, playing a game, I dunno so you tend to want to to this the whoole time (which can easily lead to being addicted to other things maybe, anyway). So I guess maybe you don't feel the loneliness as much when you smoke and etc, but I dunno ... maybe parts of me are trying to find excuses to smoke again or something. I dunno.
Then I know it's a bad idea, at least for now .... it won't give me the happiness and joy I search and I'll end up regretting it most probably. But then again the thinking pattern of - OK, I'll sort this and that and then I can maybe smoke again.
So I dunno ... it came out long post again, but there's really lots on my mind.
Don't get me wrong ... I'm happy with the life I have, it's just that there many things that are .... can't really find the word. But I don't want to end but like being ungrateful or wining or something like that. I also don't want to be like exaggerating the problems I have and etc. I dunno, maybe I am. I mean, there are people with real problems out there and here I am wining about this and that .... so I dunno really ...
I also don't know if the whole smoking pot things is due to some of the issues, or it's just me being I dunno ... or is both things combined. Pfff ... no idea ..
Thank you again for your support and experience. It means a lot to me, really.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 437
Hey teodor. I can relate to all that. Every word.
One time I was 9 months sober. And then I began thinking like you are now.
Feeling good, but bored. Feeling in control, feeling cured.
Oh OK, maybe now I can get high and things will be fine.
So I called that friend. And he came.
I was so divided, serious doubt in my head, I could not make up my mind. So I told him to began smoking and I would give it a thought. Then he smoked half joint, and we talked, and that was it. But I asked him to leave the remaining half joint, as I was still in doubt. He left, and there I was staring at that little half joint. Scared of what I was about to do. I smoked and stayed up all night having fun and video gaming and stuff. Oh nice. I was so sure I could handle it.
Well, all I can say is that I was wrong.
I did not went full pothead after that. It took sometime. Did not matter.
Thing is, in some time, all was the same again.
In some time, I almost got in big trouble. I almost had to deal with real consequences.
"into the flood again
same old trip it was back then" - Alice in Chains (guy is dead now)
Value your sobriety.
"Oh I made it 4 months sober one time, I will smoke one joint and I will make it again". Wrong.
I was 6 years sober, I was 9 months, I was 5 months. Now I can't make 5 days. Cool huh? And I used to be able to drink 2 beers and stop. Now I'm struggling with that too. Now I'm drinking like 7 or 10. Day 3 now. And yes I'm in bad shape and yes I'm in trouble. Do you really want to be on day 3 again? Do you want to be in trouble again?
It's really hard to acchieve what you did. Are you willing to toss it away? Really?
Why in the hell would you want to mess with that, man?
One time I was 9 months sober. And then I began thinking like you are now.
Feeling good, but bored. Feeling in control, feeling cured.
Oh OK, maybe now I can get high and things will be fine.
So I called that friend. And he came.
I was so divided, serious doubt in my head, I could not make up my mind. So I told him to began smoking and I would give it a thought. Then he smoked half joint, and we talked, and that was it. But I asked him to leave the remaining half joint, as I was still in doubt. He left, and there I was staring at that little half joint. Scared of what I was about to do. I smoked and stayed up all night having fun and video gaming and stuff. Oh nice. I was so sure I could handle it.
Well, all I can say is that I was wrong.
I did not went full pothead after that. It took sometime. Did not matter.
Thing is, in some time, all was the same again.
In some time, I almost got in big trouble. I almost had to deal with real consequences.
"into the flood again
same old trip it was back then" - Alice in Chains (guy is dead now)
Value your sobriety.
"Oh I made it 4 months sober one time, I will smoke one joint and I will make it again". Wrong.
I was 6 years sober, I was 9 months, I was 5 months. Now I can't make 5 days. Cool huh? And I used to be able to drink 2 beers and stop. Now I'm struggling with that too. Now I'm drinking like 7 or 10. Day 3 now. And yes I'm in bad shape and yes I'm in trouble. Do you really want to be on day 3 again? Do you want to be in trouble again?
It's really hard to acchieve what you did. Are you willing to toss it away? Really?
Why in the hell would you want to mess with that, man?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
Only thing you can do with a professional is chip away at the issues. Seeing someone isn't an overnight cure, but can help keep you grounded and accountable in the long term. Typically seeing someone is a commitment of about an hour each week. Not that time consuming especially compared to how time consuming feeding a pot addiction is. Do you have health insurance teodor? If so, it would probably cover at least some of the cost of seeing someone. And again, how much money would you be spending on pot if actively using?
Beyond professional help, there are always meetings. They're free.
In terms of not being over pot and wishing for those magical early days of usage, I'll leave you with the serenity prayer used at 12 step meetings. It goes
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Don't get hung up on the God part, but it's basically saying accept who you are and your situation with drugs. If it was still fun and easy to manage, you wouldn't have quit again. Plain and simple.
Beyond professional help, there are always meetings. They're free.
In terms of not being over pot and wishing for those magical early days of usage, I'll leave you with the serenity prayer used at 12 step meetings. It goes
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Don't get hung up on the God part, but it's basically saying accept who you are and your situation with drugs. If it was still fun and easy to manage, you wouldn't have quit again. Plain and simple.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Yeah...I'm broke. Flat broke. But I'm thankful that my county / state offers assistance with counseling. They base the rate charged on your income. In my case, it's free. I could go once a week, once every other, once a month. Was up to me.
I found HUGE differences early on. Some of the advise I was given up front helped me right out of the gate. Bare in mind...I let my wife and kids go, I lost my job, became an all day drunk, couldn't find a job, spent all my money, and my dad died. There was plenty of low hanging fruit.
Now I'm going once a month as a preventative measure and it's mostly served to make sure I'm still moving forward. Adding more tools to the bag and taking care of the serious issues that are still on my shoulder 7 months later, like filing bankruptcy, or obtaining health insurance.
Counseling has been a miracle for me. I plan on going monthly for a very long time. In fact...in a couple years when I have a GOOD paying job with decent health insurance again, I'll be upgrading to a better life coach. Somebody who can take me to new levels that I've never experienced before. I want to address confidence and social anxiety. I want to feel that I have purpose and more fulfilled.
What ever I want...I know I can get. I know a good life coach can propel me to that place. All I need is a little guidance.
T....
Explore what's available to you and take advantage of it. We are ALL capable of being great. Being happy and content. We have a given right to feel fulfilled. Those things don't just fall on our laps though. It takes action. And the easiest way about it is having a good coach in the ring with ya. Helping you figure out when it's best to go in punching or step back and assess the situation.
I found HUGE differences early on. Some of the advise I was given up front helped me right out of the gate. Bare in mind...I let my wife and kids go, I lost my job, became an all day drunk, couldn't find a job, spent all my money, and my dad died. There was plenty of low hanging fruit.
Now I'm going once a month as a preventative measure and it's mostly served to make sure I'm still moving forward. Adding more tools to the bag and taking care of the serious issues that are still on my shoulder 7 months later, like filing bankruptcy, or obtaining health insurance.
Counseling has been a miracle for me. I plan on going monthly for a very long time. In fact...in a couple years when I have a GOOD paying job with decent health insurance again, I'll be upgrading to a better life coach. Somebody who can take me to new levels that I've never experienced before. I want to address confidence and social anxiety. I want to feel that I have purpose and more fulfilled.
What ever I want...I know I can get. I know a good life coach can propel me to that place. All I need is a little guidance.
T....
Explore what's available to you and take advantage of it. We are ALL capable of being great. Being happy and content. We have a given right to feel fulfilled. Those things don't just fall on our laps though. It takes action. And the easiest way about it is having a good coach in the ring with ya. Helping you figure out when it's best to go in punching or step back and assess the situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 293
Thank you everyone for your answers and support!
Currently on day 113 and counting ...
I started writing, but then deleted it ... was gonna repeat myself more or less.
Same old family stuff and etc ... lots of accusations and etc ... lots on my mind ... also other stuff ... feeling depressed ... obsessive thoughts and being worried ... having difficulties taking action ... just not sure what to do ...
I feel like I'm on the verge of relapsing ...
Anyway ... there were also many positive things and things to be grateful for, but the other things are just keeping me down sort of ... at certain moments I just don't know what to do ... I feel like I'm going crazy or something ... I just wanna be chill and happy ... confident and etc ...
I think more and more and more about pot ... anyway ... I'm kind of repeating my self ... just needed to vent ... don't know what I'm going to do ... I'm not able to do my work properly ... maybe I just need to get high to feel out of if for a little bit, but I dunno how that will make me feel and I don't know what next ... smoke more n more like I used to ?
Sigh ... thank you for being here for me even though I'm not being the best ...
Currently on day 113 and counting ...
I started writing, but then deleted it ... was gonna repeat myself more or less.
Same old family stuff and etc ... lots of accusations and etc ... lots on my mind ... also other stuff ... feeling depressed ... obsessive thoughts and being worried ... having difficulties taking action ... just not sure what to do ...
I feel like I'm on the verge of relapsing ...
Anyway ... there were also many positive things and things to be grateful for, but the other things are just keeping me down sort of ... at certain moments I just don't know what to do ... I feel like I'm going crazy or something ... I just wanna be chill and happy ... confident and etc ...
I think more and more and more about pot ... anyway ... I'm kind of repeating my self ... just needed to vent ... don't know what I'm going to do ... I'm not able to do my work properly ... maybe I just need to get high to feel out of if for a little bit, but I dunno how that will make me feel and I don't know what next ... smoke more n more like I used to ?
Sigh ... thank you for being here for me even though I'm not being the best ...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I feel like I'm on the verge of relapsing ...just not sure what to do
Maybe you need to re-read some of your old posts?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
If you relapse, it's not going to be a fun morning after. You're going to wake up with a profound sense of "what the **** have I done". You might try to rationalize it, but deep down inside you'll know you screwed up real bad.
We have to live with life on life's terms. As addicts, using is the only thing we know how to do in response to a negative situation. It gets us nowhere though. If you're in a bit of a dark place now teodor, I guarantee you'll be in a much darker one if you smoke.
A meeting might help. Doing this alone and getting too wrapped up in our own heads is bad news. I know I've nagged you about this, but this is also where drinking leads us. Keeps re-activating the reward center in our brain until we just use what we've really wanted to all along.
You seem to be crying for help a bit, and you only know one place to find it. I think you should talk to someone, but if you won't you won't. Anonymous people on a website can only do so much.
Keep strong buddy. I hope you don't go back into the abyss, because that's all it is. An abyss.
We have to live with life on life's terms. As addicts, using is the only thing we know how to do in response to a negative situation. It gets us nowhere though. If you're in a bit of a dark place now teodor, I guarantee you'll be in a much darker one if you smoke.
A meeting might help. Doing this alone and getting too wrapped up in our own heads is bad news. I know I've nagged you about this, but this is also where drinking leads us. Keeps re-activating the reward center in our brain until we just use what we've really wanted to all along.
You seem to be crying for help a bit, and you only know one place to find it. I think you should talk to someone, but if you won't you won't. Anonymous people on a website can only do so much.
Keep strong buddy. I hope you don't go back into the abyss, because that's all it is. An abyss.
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