teodor

Thank you guys ...

I lapsed ... bought some on Saturday evening and smoked throughout the weekend. Will fill in with more details.

Now I'm not sure how to proceed, since I don't want back in the pit, but I want to smoke some more maybe ...

Thank you for the support!

Dee74

I'm sorry to read it, but I figured it might come to this.

The great delusion is that somehow we can smoke as much as we want and still only have the good parts happen, Teodor.

It's a fantasy.

D

happycampers

Just put a LIMIT on how much you're going to smoke , teodor ( keep it small). And don't smoke for DAYS or else you'll have pot making your decisions within a few days and you'll just be it's slave again. Don't go pass a few days MAX. Be wise at this stage, teodor or else you'll have just wasted the past five months of effort. Be wise !

racingthoughts

You don't want to be back in the pit but you want to smoke some more.

Hate to come down teodor, but this a great big ******* impossible delusion. Drug abuse has a hidden price tag. We want the first hour of being high and none of the accompanying baggage. The baggage is going to come regardless.

Coincidentally, I saw a couple of my old smoking buddies yesterday. Didn't feel any compulsion to get high and probably won't see much more of them because they were pretty boring to be around, but one friend in particular's situation struck me. He hadn't smoked for a year due to being on probation. He got off less than a week ago and is already back to smoking half a gram of hash oil every day. This doesn't go away with extended abstinence and no recovery work.

You could get out now and it wouldn't be that bad. Has weed really helped all of the things you were yearning for less than a week ago? Even if it has, don't forget that tolerance rises quickly. Part of the baggage, and you'll be up **** creek in no time. I hope you don't let it take over your life again. It can and will in no time. We'll always be here regardless of what happens. This is a battle, and you do still have some power.

Dee74

I get what you're saying HC but I don't think there's any compromising with addiction.

If I could limit myself on quantity or days smoking, I wouldn't have found SR because I wouldn't have needed it - I suspect Teodor's the same.

You can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber.


great post RT - thanks

D

happycampers

Great posts there, Dee and RT ! Hit the nail on the head ! Hope your ears are open , Teodor and you listen to the wisdom shared with you. If you're smart, you will !

happycampers

" We want the first hour of being high and none of the accompanying baggage. The baggage is going to come regardless. "

Great line, RT !

teodor

**** it guys. Not sure what to say. **** this ****, dunno what to do.

I smoked all I had left yesterday (although my initial plan was to smoke only throughout the weekend and then stop, so I failed right from the start pretty much, back to daily smoking from the start) so today's supposed to be day one, but then I want to smoke more, although I don't want to at the same time. Maybe it was not the right moment to start again or maybe I shouldn't have done it at all.

Part of me enjoyed it, part of me hated it, but it wasn't anything special so to speak. It was not amazing or anything ... it was not awful as my last relapse either. I got some nice observations first time I smoked and that was about it. If I've stopped there maybe it would have been good, but I kept on (of course not following any of the observations I did, you know on my life and things I should/should not do).

Essentially it's not much different from where I left it ... but I guess I'm different. Problem is that if I keep on smoking, I'll be back in the pit in no time.

And now that I've smoked again and reset the date so to speak, I'm tempted to smoke more ... but I know that if I do now, getting out might not be as easy. And I might loose lot of time and progress.

Only thing is that I'm more relaxed about certain things now. I don't obsess as much about them ... the obsessive thoughts are better I guess. At least for now. But for other things is actually worse. I'm even more demotivated to work now.

When you smoke all you want to do is get high and do stuff you enjoy. Or just get high most of the time.

I guess I kind of ****** up.

Not sure how to proceed ... there's a chance I'll smoke more ... I'm tempted to call even now as I write.

Thank you for the support!

racingthoughts

Teodor, don't worry about counting days right now, just worry about moving forward. If you think about clean time vs. high time, it's just gonna get you down and you'll want to smoke even more.

Here's where you are from what I can tell. You've smoked for a couple days. The craving will certainly be re-awakened, but you won't have to deal with a full-blown withdrawal process yet (it won't take long to get there though). All the guilt and regret that comes from relapse doesn't feel good does it? You have two directions that you can go. You can brush yourself, off deal with the cravings, and move forward, OR you can go back into active addiction until you're in enough pain that you finally decide to go through a withdrawal (again) to end the madness.

I highly encourage you to talk to someone as I have before. You went back because you weren't doing something right. You have to change your life and be willing to whatever it takes to stay clean. It's tough. Nobody has ever wanted to be an addict. We just are, and have to deal with it as a result. We're both still young. It's a matter of dealing with this now so we don't have the addiction garbage hanging over our heads until we're middle-aged and wondering what happened to half of our lives.

happycampers

Stop NOW, Teodor - you'll like yourself a lot more in a few days than if you let yourself slide into the pit again and become Mary Jane's bitch again ! What more are you going to get out of it that you haven't already? Treat yourself well and STOP NOW !

Dee74

The longer you continue smoking again the harder it's gonna be to stop Teodor. Don't call your guy. Start again today

D

teodor

Thank you guys ... I haven't called the guy and haven't smoked since Tuesday night, which is good, but I feel super depressed. I dunno all I want is to sleep ... it's not only the pot. I know that maybe my problems are not as big and etc as other people and that I should be happy with what I got, but I can't seem to help the way I feel. And of course that makes me want to smoke, although I know that this would cause only problems at the moment.

Anyway ... we must go forward. Thank you guys, just wanted to vent a little bit.

happycampers

go see a psychologist for some help , Teodor. You could easily have a chemical imbalance and they can help you determine that and come up with a real solution. Far better than this continual , unnecessary struggle. Pot is NOT the answer and you know that.

teodor

I was thinking about few things:

Had this lapse did a lot of damage to my sobriety ? ... I intend to stay on the track, but I don't know how far back on the track I've gotten and how much time I'll need to be where I was before the slip. I mean I smoked for approximately 3-4 days, a total of about 1 gram. Then I stopped.

Should I reset my quit date ? If I do, it's like I lost the game kind off and have to go all over again, but if I don't it might be hypocritical to anyone reading here and etc.

I'm just trying to sum up what's the situation after this lapse, because it was not a single unintended occasion like the previous time where I smoked once, this time I called the dealer, bought and smoked for few days. But now I'm stopped for about 2 days and while I might be tempted to smoke some more, I know it's quite a bad idea to do so at least for the moment.

Maybe one day ... but especially after this lapse I see that no matter 3 months or 6 months and etc, when/if you go back to it it's pretty much the same thing you left and going back to the old habits and way of thinking can happen really fast.

I still have the fantasy that maybe if I have everything sorted out and I have no problems and etc, then maybe it will be enjoyable again and I will be more in control of it. But maybe that's a delusion too.

To be honest, in my mind I haven't completely given up on it, in terms that I still fantasize of maybe in the future and etc, but especially after this lapse I see that at least for now and the foreseeable future going bad to it it's not a good idea. I want to improve my life and I don't think that possible if I am addicted and using pot.

I really need some experience and support here.
Has this happened to you ? Being on the sober train, then lapsing? Is there difference between lapsing and relapsing ?

And most importantly - have I done a lot of damage to my sobriety and should I reset the date ?

Thank you for everything!

happycampers

Teodor, I do not conciser 1 gram enough to restart your date as long as it stays at one gram! That's my opinion. You're basically talking to the same few people here who have given you the same advise we would again tonight, so my suggestion , which I've already given you, is to go over to the leaves forum where there are numerous people who have quit and relapsed and you can read their experience.
And, again my opinion, as long as you have that " in the future" thought floating around in your head, the road is going to be much more difficult. Why not put that to rest by setting yourself a goal of quitting for ONE year and then reassessing at that point. Leave the "future" out of it. Here's the link - go read to your hearts content - there's lots of people and experience there ;
https://www.reddit.com/r/leaves/

happycampers

Teodor, do you see any of these in your own experience and if so, is it REALLY worth it to continue ?

What it really does to me

It makes me socially awkward.
It makes me forget important dates.
It makes me forget about my friends and family.
It makes me dull.
It lets me enjoy experiences, but then forget about that enjoyment.
It steals my dreams.
It sabotages my relationships.
It empties my bank account.
It makes me eat more than I should.
It makes me spend money on things that I shouldn’t.
It damages my lungs.
It makes me use it when I don’t want to.
It prevents me from getting important things done.
It sticks around the next morning and keeps me in a daze.
It eliminates my passion for things.
It causes me to waste hours on meaningless activities.
It isn’t discreet, even though I tell myself that people don’t know, they know.
It makes me bail out on my friends.
It doesn’t let me sleep if I use it and then stop using it.
It holds my appetite hostage if I use and then stop using.
It makes me OK with doing nothing.
It makes me OK with accomplishing nothing.
It makes me paranoid.
Can't take a drug test without major stress.
It prevents me from exercising.
It makes me think I’m creative but it prevents me from acting on those creative thoughts.
It starts to become the only thing I want to do.
It starts to control me.
It makes me fall into a repetitious cycle of laziness and sloth.
It stops me from growing as a person.
It prevents me from seeking out new experiences.
It takes time away from the hobbies and activities that I truly enjoy.
It prevents me from being me.
It gets boring.
It fails to live up to my expectations but keeps me coming back anyway.

NOW, I choose differently.
I'm NOT that person anymore.
It doesn’t rule me anymore.
I’m in control now.
My life is moving forward.
I am slowly growing into someone I'm proud of, day by day now.

racingthoughts

How's it going teodor?

teodor

I'm smoking again ... lasted a week without, got stressed out and called the dealer. Now I just texted him again.

I'm sorry guys.

happycampers

you can always come here to vent your frustrations and stressors- we'll listen.
be safe, teodor .

Dee74

I absolutely agree with what HC says Teodor.

D