Notices

screwed up pretty bad

Old 04-09-2015, 09:08 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
Hi RT,
In my life, I am constantly very close to weed, I could be stoned like Bob Marley at a Peter Tosh concert within 45 seconds at any given moment. It's weird but I think that this proximity has made me more resolute in my determination to stay sober. The irony is thick, I spent so much of my life chasing weed to spend the last of my money. I bought a fake bag one time and we were so pissed that we smoked it anyway. Of course it didn't work. Now that I could have the best weed on the planet I won't touch it. I also quit alcohol and cigs before I quit weed and I use that experience to keep me on the path. I know that the longer I abstain the easier it will get. That's what I keep telling myself, anyways.

I think it's good that you'll be seeing Mary Jane (Ha!) and I hope that you can make yourself as resolute as possible. Then it sounds like you need to keep at least the length of a craving away from pot. If you can beat a craving in fifteen minutes then keep weed fifteen minutes away from yourself if possible. I can currently beat a craving back in 40 seconds so 45 seconds to bong thirty is acceptable. When I first quit I told my friends and destroyed my paraphernalia. When I broke my bong it was a dramatic event, actually. I am now strong enough that people can smoke around me but, it's funny, they usually don't.

Good luck, RT. Don't even think about the six months thing. Be here now, enjoy the moment. It will get easier over time...
gaffo is offline  
Old 04-10-2015, 05:08 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Mary Jane -that was so funny to read ! Had a great belly laugh on that irony , RT ! Good luck -I hope she's wonderful for you !
happycampers is offline  
Old 04-11-2015, 06:09 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
hopping for freedom
 
wackybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
How did the appointment with Mary Jane go, RT?
wackybunny is offline  
Old 04-12-2015, 10:53 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
It was actually just an introductory questionnaire type meeting. I just talked and she listened, no actual counseling going on so to speak. I have another appointment scheduled for a week from tomorrow. Would have liked to have it sooner, but that's what happens when you're school spends its money on being flashy instead of hiring more counselors.
racingthoughts is offline  
Old 04-12-2015, 03:06 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
hopping for freedom
 
wackybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Off to a good start then. I found that a lot of counselling was them listening and asking the right questions. But then I've only been to a few. To me, it was kind of like school, where mostly the classes/sessions give me an outline of what I needed to work on in my own time. The work happened when I brought the things I learned into my life and took action. If I don't take action, whether it is in working on changing my thought patterns, writing a journal, whatever is needed, then all the talk in the world does not advance me very far.
wackybunny is offline  
Old 04-13-2015, 06:32 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Stingy athlete recovery method
 
Mel12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: U. S. A.
Posts: 754
Hi RT,

I am severely addicted to marijuana even though I do not smoke it. It really is a nightmare, just as you said. I feel as if I have a form of insanity. I hope you do not end up in my shoes, and wish you all success.

Mel

P. S. Mary Jane? Egads!!!!
Mel12 is offline  
Old 04-15-2015, 09:15 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
hopping for freedom
 
wackybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Thinking about you RT. Sending you my bestest wishes.
wackybunny is offline  
Old 04-16-2015, 05:04 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Yes, there's many people here in your corner,RT ! We'll be here whenever you decide to return
happycampers is offline  
Old 04-18-2015, 05:33 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Hi RT -thinking of you and wondering how you're feeling these days . Even if you're still smoking right now, doesn't mean you can't come here and connect. There's no "sober requirement " to come here and just talk away. Sometimes, it's nice to have a place where you can do that and we're definitely not going to judge you as we've all been there ! That's what makes SR so great - no judgement here as we've all walked in the same shoes and know how difficult it can be . I'd love to hear how you're doing these days, no matter what that is. Sending you a BIG hug !
happycampers is offline  
Old 04-18-2015, 12:57 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,036
I'm wondering how you're going too RT?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 04-19-2015, 09:30 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
Yea hey everyone. Means a lot that you all are concerned how I'm doing, so I feel obligated to let you know.

As guessed, I have been smoking again. I'll give a brief timeline to help everyone understand where I stand better.

I relapsed on 3/26. Decided that I'd get the urge to smoke out of my system and smoke and all that bs. Felt guilty, but no different physically or mentally. Decided to keep trying to quit.

Fast forward 7 days later and I smoke again. Had a bad day (it wasn't actually that bad, but I convinced myself that it was) and since I'd felt fine all week, decided that I could handle it.

Fast forward 3 days later and I smoke again. Roommate had just gotten some and I was having a boring afternoon. This time, I felt super anxious as I burned out and came on here vowing to never smoke again.

Fast forward 2 days later and I smoke again. Same thing. Anxious and came on here vowing I was done.

Smoked again two days later. Didn't feel the anxiety, and decided I was fine as long as I wasn't smoking every day.

Smoked the next night. It was Friday. I had been feeling anxious, one of my friends had xanax, and so I took some with the intention of not smoking. Xanax put me in an "I don't care" mood so I smoked.

Fast forward to Sunday night. This is where it gets darker. It's been two days since I've smoked and now I want to again. Problem is that roommate has no weed left. I start having mild withdrawal symptoms, and yes I'm positive it was withdrawal. I got angry with my body. I started saying to it "wtf, can you not handle smoking weed half a dozen times over the course of 2 weeks without becoming dependent on it?" I knew I should have stopped then, but now that I'm at the point of having withdrawal, I said **** it. Went over to another friend's house and smoked.

It's been every day for the past week. I haven't started smoking before mid afternoon yet, but with how the rate of failed promises to myself have been going, it's probably only a matter of time.

I'm feeling pretty lost, I'm not going to lie. I know at this point, I've blown all the good work I did for myself and would have to quit all over again. I'm less than enthusiastic about this, because I wasn't enamored with the sober life or anything. I'm not terribly enamored with the pothead life either though. My productivity has gone down since smoking again, but my sleep and misophonia have been much better(probably because tolerance is still relatively low). Idk where to go. I know there's never a perfect time to quit, but idk if I could at the moment. 4/20's tomorrow, I have finals coming up (I know weed won't help me with them, but neither will a withdrawal), and then I'm going home to more pothead friends for a month.

I know what I did wrong in my quit. I know for sure now that I'm a weed addict who can't moderate. I don't know where I'm going.

I actually hate my brain. When I was sober, it romanticized all the times smoking and made me want to so bad. When I'm smoking, it romanticizes sober times and emphasizes all the drawbacks to weed. This probably sounds childish, but it isn't fair.

Anyways, I appreciate all the concern as always. I have my second counseling meeting tomorrow, so maybe I'll see how that goes. Take care everyone.
racingthoughts is offline  
Old 04-19-2015, 09:59 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
Stingy athlete recovery method
 
Mel12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: U. S. A.
Posts: 754
Hi RT,

I am glad you are here in whatever capacity, and I hope you stay and keep posting. Hearing about real experience is helpful to me. I need all the help I can get! Thank you.

Mel
Mel12 is offline  
Old 04-19-2015, 01:52 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Really great hearing from you, RT ! Sorry to hear you're having a tortured time right now. I can so relate to that feeling ! One thing I am accepting is that the " good old days, in the beginning " are long over and can never be recaptured -never. That's the fantasy hook for me -thinking that with a " break" somehow my tolerance will have dropped so low that it'll feel like the first time again, which of course, it NEVER DOES . It's a tough journey this addiction thing -If I knew then what I know now , what the pot trip would end up being, I'm sure I would never had started! Like you, I'm working on fully accepting that I can NOT moderate either -sooner or later , no matter how much I try to control it, it always ends up negatively affecting my life, my internal dialogue, my moods, my productivity, my complacency. I still don't like the fact that I can't moderate like most, but I have to accept it even though I don't like it. If I want to End my last chapters with the fullness of Life, and not end it in regret , I need to accept what is and be willing to be uncomfortable through the change. It's hard, RT, no doubt about it! I struggle harder on some days , but I so desperately want to move forward in my life and I have so many great opportunities ahead if I can just STAY clean. RT,you know when you were talking awhile back about feeling like you were missing out on something when you weren't smoking . Well, today I was thinking from the opposite end-what am I going to miss out on just because I couldn't or wouldn't end my relationship with pot ? Am I really willing to pay such a heavy price for a few minutes of pleasure followed by days of anxiety, worry, obsession , disappointment, and sadness?
And there's never a perfect time to quit. There'll always going be other things going on while staying quit. So, If not now, then when ? I know for me, I don't want to waste anymore days laying around , just being lazy and hazed out., full of negative thoughts and feelings. It seems so crazy now to continue this insanity. I' m staying off the crazy train -I've had more then enough of that roller coaster ride! I hope you jump back on the Sober Train with us soon . You've only been back out less than a month - don't let it take you over again and turn that into six months, man. You know you don't want to be a pothead anymore and you now, you ca't moderate , so in accepting those facts, it only leaves one other option . You've chosen to rescue yourself once and for all and set yourself free ! We're here for ya !!!
happycampers is offline  
Old 04-19-2015, 02:09 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
I was listening to some famous actors today talking about their addictions and one of them reminded me of the belief that addiction is simply a misguided attempt to find that union of Oneness that I think we all feel and know. Which is why , I believe, finding ways to nuture your soul/spirit, whatever words you want to use, is so important to remaining clean from the wrong ways and moving closer to the right ways, within our daily lives. Spirituality and addiction seem very much linked in some way to me and something I am working to improve each day, some days better than others.
happycampers is offline  
Old 04-20-2015, 11:17 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
hopping for freedom
 
wackybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Nice to hear from you RT. I had a feeling you were still smoking or you'd have come back and said you weren't. I'm not going to tell you to stop because you will do what you will do regardless. I bet it's easy to feel discouraged but you mind as well feel encouraged by the good work you did in this past half a year. You learned a lot. You learned that you can do it! I don't think you have undone all your hard work yet. If you stop again now you prob will have it easier. If you wait too long you'll prob have to do it all over again.

Once about 15 years ago I quit for.. can't remember how long... something like 4 - 7 months. It was not the same as this last time at all. Then I was miserable, craving, living with a feeling of missing something. I went right back to smoking every day again soon enough. I had a bad association with quitting and that put me off doing it for a long time. Well, that was the excuse, that I'd tried it and I hated it. Please don't assume that it's always going to be a craving/missing out experience living without weed. I thought that for so long but I quit anyway, expecting the worst and finding it to be really wonderful this time around.

You were still romanticizing it too. I had gone far beyond that. It's like when you've fallen out of love and you know you'll never get that feeling back. That's what happened to me, I knew SO WELL what stoned life was like and all the rose coloured tint and shine had worn off. I broke up with it and meant it. Sounds like you are still in the toxic can't live with it, can't live without it relationship. I hope you don't have to go as far down the road as I did before you break up with it. It's in your hands. I'll just wait and listen. And I understand so well!

As I often say, even though I'm done with it, I still have to avoid it. If it were on my table (and I was alone) I would not be able to control myself. That may sound strange after what i just said in the paragraphs above but somehow, both are true. The work I do is all about keeping it away from me in the first place and having no need to seek it out, turning it down and walking away if offered at a party. I'm not cured but I'm managing it and I'm happy.
wackybunny is offline  
Old 04-20-2015, 11:30 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,036
You're sounding a bit passive RT - like a leaf in the oncoming wind or like the rabbits in the headlights kinda thing.

Don't forget: you have the power - not your addiction.
It is easy to forget that, I know, but honestly...however much a part of you wants it at a visceral level, you - the intelligent logical part of you - can refuse.

I hope you make a definite decision soon RT.
It really is so easy to lose a few years...and not come out with much to show for it.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 04-21-2015, 04:44 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Great posts, WB and Dee - really terrific comments. Love your break-up analogy, WB. Even though I've told myself I need to quit for at least a full year before reassessing, I really can't imagine WANTING to go back ! Like you said WB, once you know there's NO going back to the warm and fuzzy relationship you once had, it's time to accept that it's over and move on with Life. Now , it's time to see what new things come in to fill your Life - to me, that's exciting ! I just watched the movie Wild the other day and now I'm inspired to hike the West Coast Trail and other great trails. New thoughts and ideas come in, as long as you recognize and accept that the past way of living is OVER! Time for newness, for the freshness of the unknown. Going back just seems old, boring and well, quite mean to oneself. After a very short while back, it's a crappy life again-why go back when you know from your own experience that this time isn't going to be any different. Life is calling you to Move On !
I really hope you join us soon again, RT, before the fake excuses appear too real and you become stuck again. We care.
happycampers is offline  
Old 04-21-2015, 09:22 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
"can't live with it, can't live without it" really sums up where I'm at.

Yea Dee, you're right, I have been pretty passive about the whole thing. I think it's the result of deflation and not being at my wits end yet like I was the first time I quit. I'm not too sure what to about it at the moment. The past week my days have been going like this. I'll smoke sometime in the mid afternoon, lie down in a semi-coma for a few hours, sober up, do work or whatever, smoke again, more coma, then pass out vowing that I'll start doing something about my problem tomorrow. The next day I'll wake up at 8 saying something like "see how you feel later before committing", then at 12 I'll start saying "maybe today's not the day", then at 3 I walk into a smoke-filled apartment and I'm packing a bowl on autopilot.

It's insane. I'm done romanticizing it. I'm recognizing the situation for what it is. I now know and remember what stoned life is like. When I was clean, I'd see pictures of people's weed and them smoking on social media and look at them with jealousy. Now I look at them and see how stupid and immature it all is and how I'm better than that. Everyone proclaiming "it's 4/20, blaze it" yesterday made me kind of hate stoner culture. Yet here I am, feeling like I'm 15 again, and just needing to get around to quitting.

I saw a counselor again yesterday, and he gave me good insights. He compared not smoking to adopting a lifestyle of healthy eating. Like pizza, weed is a quick and temporary fix. One doesn't see the results of eating a salad instead immediately. I guess the only difference that I've learned from this whole thing, is that cheat days are impossible for me to have.

Anyways, thank you all for the meaningful posts and words of wisdom as always. I'm not disappearing or anything. God, it's just so damn hard sometimes. Not trying to have a pity party for myself, it's just honestly what I've been feeling.
racingthoughts is offline  
Old 04-21-2015, 11:16 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Great to you today, RT and thanks a lot for sharing ! I can and I'm sure pretty much everyone here can empathize with how you're feeling. I know I have felt that way, many times. I'm just hoping and praying this time I've FINALLY smelt the coffee and woke up ! You'll get it when you get it -just try to keep the smoking to a minimum while you decide which way you want to go. You don't have to act like a total pothead just because you're still on the fence.
happycampers is offline  
Old 04-22-2015, 07:28 PM
  # 60 (permalink)  
hopping for freedom
 
wackybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by racingthoughts View Post
I'll smoke sometime in the mid afternoon, lie down in a semi-coma for a few hours, sober up, do work or whatever, smoke again, more coma, then pass out vowing that I'll start doing something about my problem tomorrow.
Years and years and years of this. Goodness knows how I managed to get anything done. What a frustrating loop. I'm glad to be rid of it.

Happy, I did the West Coast Trail back when I was 21. It was awesome but being stoned the whole time was foolish. Certain parts were knee knocking scary and made worse being in a stoned haze.

The 75km trail... "requires you to ascend and descend 36 different ladder systems, with the longest ladder being over 200 rungs, cross over 100 bridges, some suspended 200 ft. over jagged rocks and rivers rushing to the ocean. There are also cable cars, log bridges... surge channels, impassable headlands, bogs... bears, cougars..."

Funnily enough, one of the regrets that comes to mind (about wasted opportunities) is doing things like that stoned. I could have enjoyed myself so much more.
wackybunny is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:43 AM.