hummingbird358

My son has been smoking weed for atleast 4 years. He is very "pro" weed and plans to graduate college and move to Colorado to have a career working for a company that sells weed. His problem is his anxiety. IT is so bad. He has been suffering from depression but would never get help in high school. He would party with friends alot and got with a crowd that drank and did pot. Now he is a sophomore in college and his anxiety is through the roof. He is full of anger and always seems so sad. He then starts drinking to feel better and becomes violent and angry and says nasty things.
He REALIZES that he should not drink and he almost just lost his girlfriend due to being nasty this week. Tells me today that he is done with the booze BUT I feel the weed that he smokes is not helping his anxiety and parinoa. He does well in college. He could not find a summer job because he could not pass a drug test. Feels there is nothing wrong with weed but I just feel it could be making his anxiety worse. I am afraid to bring it up because like I said he is big time PRO weed! Our relationship is so strained and he spends no time with me and it kills me.

Dee74

Hi and welcome hummingbird

I agree with you totally...I was very very anxious and paranoid on weed - which only increased my dependence on it more...which in turn made my anxiety and paranoia worse. It was a vicious cycle.

but... I'm not sure there's a lot you can do if he's *that* pro weed.

Until I admitted to myself I had a problem I was very vocal, almost violently, against anyone who suggested that weed was any kind of a problem for me.

If you want support for yourself from other parents in similar situations you should also check out our Friends and Family of Substance Abusers board as well



D

brazilian

Weed and alcohol is a dangerous path for one's to relief anxiety and anger.

I walked that path. I was a very agressive young guy, 15-20 years ago.

I payed a high price for walking that road. I suffered a lot.

But seriously, sorry to say that, weed is not the cause of all that anger and anxiety.

In fact, weed is the consequence, that turns to a new cause, making everything worse.

Quitting is the way to go, for sure. But only the addicted can quit, no one can quit for him.

Fly N Buy

hummingbird - Glad you are here to share. There a lot of people that may benefit by your posting. Keep it up!

My son is a few years younger and still claims just occasional use to " help relax". I doubt this highly...(no pun intended). As someone who smoked a lot of pot - quit - and then started again in last few years - quit again when I stopped drinking recently - I have been on the cannabis cycle for decades.

Unlike booze, there is a lot of moral high ground today for people to stand on concerning pot. Virtually legal everywhere - it's coming.....

I feel for you. It's tough and unfortunately your son probably won't listen to anything you say on the subject. So, why even bother to broach it??? It will not effect the outcome of him getting high and only serve to divide the relationship, perhaps.

Do you have any personal experiences with smoking pot that you could share with him?
Ultimately, that is what I did with my Son - after we both found pot in each others car, sorry to say.....

However, I told him my story and perhaps some of that sank in. I did what I could, offered best advice and then turned it over......I cannot effect the outcome. He will choose what he will choose.

Glad you are here! Please keep sharing!

Clementina

Hi Hummingbird,

Welcome! Sorry to hear you're going through this! Your concerns are definitely understandable. He is lucky to have you.

Well like Flynbuy said, legalization is on its way and there are a lot of people who are pro-marijuana. (For full disclosure I will openly admit that I am actually pro-marijuana legalization myself, especially for certain medical uses, and of course with strict limits.) That said, I do know many people who have become addicted to it, and who have become demotivated, anxious, depressed, and who experience pretty bad withdrawals from it (insomnia, irritability, etc.)

The good news is that in most cases, from everything I have seen, people figure it out eventually.

It's pretty common for marijuana to contribute to underlying anxiety issues. It happened to me. I quit after college for that reason. (I've always had anxiety and panic attacks, but smoking pot brought it out big time. I don't think it can cause it out of the blue, but it can bring that side of a person out.)

Unfortunately, when I quit weed, that's when I started turning to booze to self-medicate. Booze turned out to be much, much worse for me, and significantly more addictive. Sounds like that's what your son might be doing. I would actually be a lot more concerned about the alcohol. Physically and psychologically, it's much worse for us.

Really, though, I don't think there's much (if anything) you can do at this point. He's not going to stop unless (until) he wants to. But if he wants to function in life, he will need to learn to balance his habits. If he wants to alleviate his anxiety, hopefully he will figure out that this is making it worse, as many people eventually do. And he will have to learn moderation: for example he will have to smoke only after the work day is done if he wants to support himself.

I think the best thing you can do here is continue being supportive, but without enabling him to become entirely dysfunctional. He is still very young, and probably very enamored with the whole Colorado/ legal weed scene. Hopefully he'll figure it out.

Good luck!!

gaffo

Being aware that not everyone thinks being stoned all the time is okay seems obvious but it's really not. Being in the pot smoking world can be so insulating, it seems like only cops and squares don't smoke whenever possible. It's actually a very limiting habit as your son is learning with his job search and his relationship with you. I'm sure that you don't want to push him further away but I was done no favors by people who ignored and downplayed the power of pot. My own mom told me that she's rather I smoke pot one day when she found a bottle of scotch under my bed. I'm still puzzling that interaction out, thirty years later!

Gamaur

Smoking marijuana when you have a worsening anxiety problem makes as much sense as skiing with a broken leg.

The link between anxiety and marijuana has been proven (I'll edit the hyperlink in once I have 15 posts).

He's making his own mistake with this, but if he's bright he'll figure it out eventually. It doesn't take a lot to make the connection between pot and anxiety, and the fact he's hasn't suggests he's in denial. Weed will eventually lose it's novelty and he'll make the distinction it's not good for him.

Speaking as someone who also had strained relationships with parental/guardian figures as a result of weed addiction, I will make one suggestion:

Keep smiling at him.

He has fallacious beliefs and is making an obvious mistake, but he's still suffering from the illusion of an addiction and has less control over his thoughts than you might realise. Addictions are like invisible Puppet-Masters. If he's old enough to be independent then any pressure you apply will invariably have a negative consequence, and may in fact strengthen his resolve.

The defensive and addicted mind is impossible to reason with, so don't bother.

Allow him his choice and be an actively caring mother and a friend to him. This is actually strategic on your part because as a result he won't be in a state of defensiveness around you anymore, and will have more mental freedom to find the same conclusions himself.

Smile at your son, show him your love. You're not encouraging anything, but you also aren't applying pressure against it. Take the middle ground and be neutral. Focus more on him than his problem, it's up to him now. You've done everything you can.

If he's already thinking it's a bad idea to drink then he obviously has the potential to come to the same conclusion about marijuana. If his problems continue and he has the freedom to make his own choices, he will.

He'll be fine.

hummingbird358

I hope he realizes that the weed is affecting him. I am hoping that once he gets his anxiety under control with the herbal pills I ordered (Serelax) that he won't find the "need" to feel better with the weed.
He has so much potential for a great future. He is so smart yet so dumb with this. He has been suffering from depression and anxiety for awhile and tried counseling but didn't like that. He did not want to take the prescription meds due to all of the side effects. He hobby seems to be weed and watching the news. He is really into the politics.
Just hoping he soon sees that the weed is hurting him. He could not get a job this summer because of the drug testing so he has little cash to his name. HOping that means he can't buy his weed and has to slow down on it. I honestly feel he was abusing it and not using it for recreation. I have a nephew that ruined his life with drugs and I hope my son doesn't do the same.
He does great in college but does not socialization with anyone. I am hoping that he since he seems to have realized that drinking is bad he will find this out as well.

Gamaur

This must be a hard time for you. Are you ok?

I can sense some understandable frustration in your post. Take a moment to consider our points, you may find some solace in them:

It's his choice to do this. Your acceptance of his decision will actually help by enabling him to make positive decisions for himself, and will make him feel more responsible in general.

Kids naturally resist their parents, and drug addicts naturally defend their addiction, so a newly independent drug addicted son isn't exactly the best combination to try to reason with.

If you want what's best for him, I highly recommend being supportive. Speaking from experience, I know what it's like to think in a similar way to your son and even though you have the best of intentions, your current way of thinking would potentially do more harm than good. Even if you didn't say anything he'd likely be able to sense it from you.

This isn't just about not confronting him, it's about you empowering him by saying he's man enough to make his own decisions, and you'll accept and support him no matter what. This is the kind of thing he needs to feel and here from you.

Whether he realises it or not, his addiction to marijuana will manipulate him into believing anything conducive to sustaining the addiction. You can be sure it's helped influence his politics on marijuana as well as his desire to move to Colorado.

His mind is addicted. It's like having an infection in your thought processes.

If the addicted mind senses the addiction being remotely challenged it'll put a steal cage around it and nail it shut. His mind will be in a state of protection and won't absorb anything opposing his position. He'll then go on the counter-attack and it'll likely become an argument. No-one wants an argument like that, avoid them where possible.

Instead,

Be supportive, smile abundantly around him, and show him love.

The moment his mind recognises you as a not being a threat it'll be in a more relaxed and open state, and that's exactly where you want to keep him.

Him being immersed in weed in Colorado is also a good thing. It'll take away the novelty in a much shorter time-frame. Once the novelty of weed wears off, daily usage quickly becomes mundane. If he connects his anxiety with smoking at the same time then the addiction will have a definite end date.

He will be absolutely fine, but you need to believe in this yourself. Don't just hope it, know it. He'll feel the difference from you.

Take some time to reflect on all of this. You want what's best for him, but this is a situation outside of your experienced understanding and you will need to consider taking a different approach if you want the best outcome.

His situation actually optimistic when you think about it. He's just finished college, so he's still young. You've indicated he has a good head on his shoulders and that he's interested in the world, so he knows how to think. He's also already demonstrated a thinking pattern linking substances to anxiety, just the wrong one. He's clearly got a good psychological platform for making rational decisions for himself, so I have to say, you have every reason not to worry and support him.

He'll be just fine.

hummingbird358

Gamaur and eveyone... Thank you for your advice. Gamaur asked me if I am okay. Truthfully, no. My son means the world to me. I want the relationship I had at one time with my son back. The past few years have been awful. He had pushed me and his grandparents out of his life. When you are around him you have to watch what you say so you don't set him off. He never smiles. His anxiety is getting worse and now he sometimes says that he thinks people are coming to get him. His last drinking episode was Tuesday night and on Thursday is when he was saying he was afraid people were coming to get him. I told him he needed help bad. He told me that he was stopping the booze. I hope he thinks about the weed as well. Here is a bit of history.... Sorry I wrote a book! We were once so close then 7 years ago when he was in about 8th grade something changed in him. I believe something happened in school and he started withdrawing. He hid things from us and became friends with not so good young men. He struggled with weight issues bad and was bullied in school because of it something awful. He started having sweating issues and now I realize it was anxiety. He just would not admit that he was having anxiety. The summer before he quit football he started losing weight and then fell in love for the first time. He fell deeply for her and did everything for her then she wanted to "take a break". For the 9 months they were together he did not drink or smoke weed. (Before this I was clueless and thought he did not do either, I was very surprised when it came out). SO after the breakup, his ex told me she could not take that he was sad all the time. My son then cut his wrist- not to kill himself but he was a cutter. Again, something he had hidden for awhile. (Remember I said he started becoming distant, the more I asked ?'s the more angry he became. Husband said "just leave him be he is a teenager". SO he went to counseling and they felt he was a threat to himself and forced me to put him in a home for 72 hours for observation. The LOOK in his eyes is something I will never forget. He hated me, he blamed me, he looked like just a figure sitting there and his heart was gone. He had a glazed over look which I get now if something is really upsetting him. Shortly he met a new girlfriend and his current on going on 2 1/4 years. PROBLEM.... She allowed him to do weed and to party unlike the last girlfriend. As time progressed he got more into drinking and the weed occasionally. Just this past year he began drinking heavily. He would finish a case in one day, drink a handle of vodka in a day, etc. The girlfriend would tell me that he became nasty and would throw things. She was not into drinking but would pick him up from parties. His drinking became worse and 3 times he passed out the day following the heavy drinking. The last time was in front of a group of students at college so that got his attention. He was embarrassed. He didn't stop though with his drinking until about 3 months ago. He would say he was going to stop and then on the weekends he was back at it. This last week was bad here. He got someone to get him a case plus a handle of vodka (hid the vodka but I found it) ended up losing his temper and damaging something of the girlfriends. She ended the relationship, I confronted him and of course like always I was at fault. WHY do addicts blame everyone else? He never takes responsibility for any of his actions. Never says thank you. Is this something common in an addict? The girlfriend is back now because she says she can't give up on him... He says he is done with booze. I am a worried mother of a so to be 20 year old son. He is that driven in school that he will graduate college a year early. I wish I know what happened, if I did something wrong. Seeing him so depressed, etc rips me apart. I want my son back who was once this smiling humorous young man.

Dee74

I think it's natural for parents to wonder if they did any thing wrong...after all kids are perfect

In AlAnon and NarAnon (support groups for the loved ones of addicts) they have a saying they call the 3 cs - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it'

It's not meant to be doom and gloom - it's just reinforcing what I and a fewe other people have said - this is your son's fight and only he can decide when to quit.

Have you thought of maybe joining a support group like that?

D

Gamaur

Dee raises a really good point.

There are support groups and resources for friends and family of substance abusers, something you should strongly consider looking into. I'm not sure what equivalents there are in your area, but there would definitely be something available. My previous partner used them when I'd relapsed and it helped our relationship immensely.

One thing that is abundantly clear is how much you love and care about your son. It's beautiful. Remember how stubborn kids can be by nature, think about how it would increase when addicted to drugs. His defiance will pass as he gains his freedom. As we've all been saying, the best possible thing you can do for him, is to show him support.

Take Dee's mention of the 3C's as a mantra, and say it to yourself repeatedly:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Do it the moment you finish reading this post. Say it in your head 3 times with confidence. Do this daily. After a while, this kind of exercise will do wonders for you.

It may take a week or two, but as soon as you accept these things you will feel a lot better. As we've all been saying, our suggestion as people with experience in this, is for you to allow him his choice and to be 100% supportive of his decision. He's turning into a man now, he has a strong drive for freedom and independence.

If you can show him that you're aligned with his personal goals you'll be amazed at how much your relationship will improve. Judging by your description of his behaviour, I can guarantee you that he views you as an opposing force in his life at the moment.

You can change this.

Once you're feeling better about the situation and more supportive of him, the best thing would be for you to have a conversation. It may even be worthwhile to apologise if you detect he's been upset by something. You're not necessarily apologising because you're at fault, you're apologising because he was hurt (or whatever the case may be), which is about showing empathy. Empathise with and show him understanding. Explain you've thought about it and that you realise he's able to make his own decisions, and that you'll support them from now on.

I wouldn't be surprised if he broke down in tears and hugged you.

Understand that these are simply suggestions based on experience, and shouldn't be taken as perfect solutions. I don't know who your son is and he may be more unpredictable than we are. From everything you've said though, it's critical that you give our suggestions at least a try. I personally think that it will make the situation infinitely better for both of you.

Seek a support group as a priority, it'll make you feel supported to be around others going through similar experiences. If you're unsure of where to start, send me your area name and I'll do some research for you.

Now... time to do your mantra!

hummingbird358

Thank you! I will look into a support group. I do have one question or maybe 2? My son is limited on his funds because he could not pass a drug test and lost the job offer he had this summer. I would buy him and his girlfriend gift cards to go out to eat, BUT he would sell them instead for half the price and take the money. He is very upset because he doesn't have much spending money now for this upcoming college year. He does well in his classes so I was going to send him a little bit each week so he could go to Burgerking or somewhere for a treat BUT I am not sure if I should do that. Do you all think that it is best if I let him panic that his money will run out if he buys weed. I am hoping he doesn't fall back into drinking. Since I never bought weed I am not sure the price on that. Hoping his new herbal anxiety med will help him with anxiety then inturn his need to feel high will go away...... Praying hard!

Gamaur

You're sounding a bit calmer

The financial stresses do add another dimension, but your position should always remain the same. These are his choices now.

Support him just the same as you would if he wasn't using. But do so within reason, you never want to be encouraging of his use, rather be respectful of his decisions. Only intervene if he spirals and shows that he can't function independently, and if that happens you will definitely need to intervene. I don't think it will, just be a supportive mother and he'll figure it out for himself.

Best of luck.

Dee74

Hi hummingbird

honestly, I think if you give him money you have to accept you'll have no control (and probably no idea) where it goes.....

D

Gargery

(My opinion isn't worth two cents, nor is my experience reflective of that of others.)

I feel that if a person is suffering from anxiety, depression or other psychological afflictions, it's best to be entirely sober and deal with them. Maybe later, he can return to using marijuana (or alcohol, for that matter) like a gentleman. Not being a medical man, I couldn't say if drug use contributes to these problems, but I suspect it might make them harder to treat.

Gamaur

She has no control of him in the matter, it's all up to him.

zerothehero

Exactly right. Hummingbird, you have your own anxiety to address. I know from experience that it is painful to watch someone you love go down the rabbit hole. He is already experiencing relationship, employment, and financial problems related to his substance abuse. He'll either learn from that or not. I would not support it, though. This sounds harsh, but when I see people on street corners begging for cash, I sometimes give them food. If they don't want the food I know they don't need the cash because I would only be supplying their next high. Instead of sending him cash, maybe start sending him healthy care packages... If you think it would help open his eyes you could tell him why you're sending food and not cash.

wackybunny

Hm, difficult situation for a mother I'm sure. I can't imagine that as a young person I would have listened to anyone tell me weed was bad. I had to come to my own conclusions about how it effected ME and that took a long time. Certain things people said or did may have had some impact but no-one was able to make me stop and the harder they tried, the more I dug my heals in and alienated them. When I was 23 my bf at the time gave me an ultimatum to quit or break up. I quit for a short while but it was not for my own reasons and I soon started sneaking joints with friends and lying to him about it.

My mom smoked weed when she was younger and did not mind me doing so but at the same time did not encourage my habitual use. I never hid it from her and I felt closer to her because I could share with her who I really was. Some of my friends hid their weed identity from their parents and that seemed sad to me. One thing I remember my mom saying that really hit home was about acid. I had been taking a lot of it, several times a week. Mom sat me down and said that while she thought it was fine for me to experiment, I was abusing it by taking far too much. I looked up to her because she was an original hippy and my friends and I were wanna-be's. The way she put it was that it was like a medicine to be used sparingly with respect. She told me about her friend who took too much and never returned to normal. I slowed right down after that and think it was a lot to do with that conversation. I guess it's impossible to know which things we say will have an impact but some will and some won't and we probably can't control that.

Sorry I'm rambling. I wish your son well and hope you find some peace.

Nocturnal

I use to be one of those people that thought weed will save the world and it might but for those of us that have anxiety and depression issues it only makes it worse it took me years and lotsa bouts with parania ,anxiety , and depression to figure it out I hope your son doesnt go through the same thing God Bless and good luck oh yea you know what you can do to treat him to something good is order it yourself online pay with your debit card and they'll deliver it that way he cant sell the food my mom is just like you (your son is very fortunate) she hated giving me money because it all went to weed and beer so she'd order pizza down the street from my apartment while she lives across the country she use to surprise me sometimes and I loved that, ill be praying for you guys.