Approaching Thanksgiving with a Broken Heart
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Approaching Thanksgiving with a Broken Heart
This is my first post, so be kind if I have inadvertently broken any rules!
I have suspected that my sister has been using drugs for a long time, but it all came to a head earlier this year when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am very grateful that my mom has lived long past her prognosis, and that we all have the opportunity to spend as much time as we have.
My sister broke up her marriage by having an affair with someone five plus years ago, and my mom, who is REALLY strict, had no qualms expressing her disapproval. The more we found out about my sister's boyfriend (they're still together), the more we were horrified. He's a pothead, he still lives with his parents even though he's in his mid-forties (she is too, btw), and I suspect that he and my sister met at a pot festival. My sister asked my parents for financial assistance to start a food vending business, and it's that business that has taken up my sister's time and energy, even though it really hasn't made any money and my sister and her ex-husband continue to support her and her boyfriend. This business is only active during the summer weekends, and so even if it did make money, her income is limited.
My mother has gotten continually weaker in the past year, and my dad and I have tried our best to help her out as much as possible, even though we both have jobs that require our attention, and in my case, I have my own family to tend to as well. We asked my sister, who has two children who are in middle school, and who doesn't have a job during the weekdays/fall/winter, to help out during the day. She says that mom is too judgmental of her lifestyle so she won't. She says she's too busy getting her house ready for sale (this is two/three years AFTER the sale date stipulated in the divorce agreement). She says that she and her boyfriend are about to launch a new restaurant, and that mom will finally be proud of her because she will be financially independent.
She also told me that it is MY responsibility to make sure that my mom has the will to live, and that she is angry at me because I am not willing to fight my mother's disease with the alternative therapies that she rammed down out throats (including hash oil). However, when I told her that my hands were full trying to keep track of the conventional medicines that my mom elected to take, and if she could please help us investigate and find the hash oil (that admittedly did seem promising) she told me that she couldn't do that because everybody would think she was "just a pothead". She would instead set her intentions to the universe and somebody else would take care of it.
And that's when something inside me just plain snapped. I have to admit that in the past I would defend my sister when I thought my mom and dad were being too judgmental. I tried to support and cheerlead her endeavors, especially when my mom and dad were just "eh". She's also had some pretty horrific experiences in her past that my mom and dad don't know about, and THAT's what preserves the little compassion that I have left for her.
But I hate the fact that she basically chose her boyfriend BECAUSE he's unemployed so he can cheerlead her on 24/7 a day. I hate the fact that every time I talked to her in the past, I had to listen to her talk about everybody loves her moisturizer/yoga instruction/food even though she hasn't made any money with any of it. I hate the fact that she never respects my time, and expects me to drop everything because she needed to show me something RIGHT NOW. I hate the fact that she expects my dad to loan her the van an hour before she needs it and he just gladly gives to her, even though she's crashed MY car in the past, and wrecked two wheels on his. I hate the fact that she gets things done for her because she provokes people's pity instead of earning respect. I hate the fact that she is a compulsive liar, and told me she couldn't be there when I had to tell mom that they found cancer in her brain because she had to take her daughters to the dentist. And she then proceeded to skip every medical/hospice appointment ever scheduled.
So where am I going with this? This is most likely going to be my mom's last Thanksgiving. It hurts to even write this. And we are going to be together and I am absolutely simmering with rage. I hate to to admit this, but I would be HAPPY if she didn't show up because then I wouldn't have to watch her spend the entire time on her cell phone texting her boyfriend. I wouldn't have to listen to her tell me that my baby died because it didn't have the will to live. But my mom and dad want the whole family to be together, and my sister's two nieces, who I absolutely adore, are going to be there. And I want to put up a good front, and I don't want to fall to pieces in front of my nieces and son knowing that time is running out for my mom.
Phew. That felt good just to get it out.
So how do I hold it together? Any suggestions? And how can I remember the love I had for my sister? Because I find myself awash in anger and bitterness, and I don't like it at all.
I have suspected that my sister has been using drugs for a long time, but it all came to a head earlier this year when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am very grateful that my mom has lived long past her prognosis, and that we all have the opportunity to spend as much time as we have.
My sister broke up her marriage by having an affair with someone five plus years ago, and my mom, who is REALLY strict, had no qualms expressing her disapproval. The more we found out about my sister's boyfriend (they're still together), the more we were horrified. He's a pothead, he still lives with his parents even though he's in his mid-forties (she is too, btw), and I suspect that he and my sister met at a pot festival. My sister asked my parents for financial assistance to start a food vending business, and it's that business that has taken up my sister's time and energy, even though it really hasn't made any money and my sister and her ex-husband continue to support her and her boyfriend. This business is only active during the summer weekends, and so even if it did make money, her income is limited.
My mother has gotten continually weaker in the past year, and my dad and I have tried our best to help her out as much as possible, even though we both have jobs that require our attention, and in my case, I have my own family to tend to as well. We asked my sister, who has two children who are in middle school, and who doesn't have a job during the weekdays/fall/winter, to help out during the day. She says that mom is too judgmental of her lifestyle so she won't. She says she's too busy getting her house ready for sale (this is two/three years AFTER the sale date stipulated in the divorce agreement). She says that she and her boyfriend are about to launch a new restaurant, and that mom will finally be proud of her because she will be financially independent.
She also told me that it is MY responsibility to make sure that my mom has the will to live, and that she is angry at me because I am not willing to fight my mother's disease with the alternative therapies that she rammed down out throats (including hash oil). However, when I told her that my hands were full trying to keep track of the conventional medicines that my mom elected to take, and if she could please help us investigate and find the hash oil (that admittedly did seem promising) she told me that she couldn't do that because everybody would think she was "just a pothead". She would instead set her intentions to the universe and somebody else would take care of it.
And that's when something inside me just plain snapped. I have to admit that in the past I would defend my sister when I thought my mom and dad were being too judgmental. I tried to support and cheerlead her endeavors, especially when my mom and dad were just "eh". She's also had some pretty horrific experiences in her past that my mom and dad don't know about, and THAT's what preserves the little compassion that I have left for her.
But I hate the fact that she basically chose her boyfriend BECAUSE he's unemployed so he can cheerlead her on 24/7 a day. I hate the fact that every time I talked to her in the past, I had to listen to her talk about everybody loves her moisturizer/yoga instruction/food even though she hasn't made any money with any of it. I hate the fact that she never respects my time, and expects me to drop everything because she needed to show me something RIGHT NOW. I hate the fact that she expects my dad to loan her the van an hour before she needs it and he just gladly gives to her, even though she's crashed MY car in the past, and wrecked two wheels on his. I hate the fact that she gets things done for her because she provokes people's pity instead of earning respect. I hate the fact that she is a compulsive liar, and told me she couldn't be there when I had to tell mom that they found cancer in her brain because she had to take her daughters to the dentist. And she then proceeded to skip every medical/hospice appointment ever scheduled.
So where am I going with this? This is most likely going to be my mom's last Thanksgiving. It hurts to even write this. And we are going to be together and I am absolutely simmering with rage. I hate to to admit this, but I would be HAPPY if she didn't show up because then I wouldn't have to watch her spend the entire time on her cell phone texting her boyfriend. I wouldn't have to listen to her tell me that my baby died because it didn't have the will to live. But my mom and dad want the whole family to be together, and my sister's two nieces, who I absolutely adore, are going to be there. And I want to put up a good front, and I don't want to fall to pieces in front of my nieces and son knowing that time is running out for my mom.
Phew. That felt good just to get it out.
So how do I hold it together? Any suggestions? And how can I remember the love I had for my sister? Because I find myself awash in anger and bitterness, and I don't like it at all.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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You could think of Thanksgiving as being for your mom and your dad. And you also. Anything else can be set aside for a day. Your sister is her own keeper. She doesn't need anyone to take care of her. I've done similar, though totally unrelated to alcohol or drugs, but I asked people to be good for a particular reason while at my home for TG. If they felt that they could not then I asked them to stay away or leave if it began. You can do this. Own what is yours and leave the rest to God (or another higher power). Blessings to you this week. Hugs, Joie
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Welcome to SR.
You'll find lots of support here and people who can relate.
Sometimes, when I find myself really angry at somebody else, it is a sign that I need to make better boundaries with them. There are certainly times when I feel like I have a right to be angry at somebody because they're doing all this stuff wrong. But I can't change what they are doing, so that means if I want to not be angry anymore, I have to figure out how I can change what I'm doing in the situation. It's not an easy thing.
As much as possible, try to just focus on enjoying the time with your mom and the rest of your family. And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, maybe make a list of things you do have to be grateful for in your life. Taking time to focus on gratitude always helps me to feel at least a tiny bit better.
You'll find lots of support here and people who can relate.
Sometimes, when I find myself really angry at somebody else, it is a sign that I need to make better boundaries with them. There are certainly times when I feel like I have a right to be angry at somebody because they're doing all this stuff wrong. But I can't change what they are doing, so that means if I want to not be angry anymore, I have to figure out how I can change what I'm doing in the situation. It's not an easy thing.
As much as possible, try to just focus on enjoying the time with your mom and the rest of your family. And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, maybe make a list of things you do have to be grateful for in your life. Taking time to focus on gratitude always helps me to feel at least a tiny bit better.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Being a caregiver is so hard. It is the most difficult thing Ive ever done.
But I learned about boundries, during the process, in That I didn't have any boundries and others did. Many have strong boundries about caregiving and knowing it is not for them. And that is ok in my opinion. That is what is best for them. I understand and accept that now.
Through Alanon and learning how to have boundries and put myself first, I know that I will never be a caregiver in any way for my toxic parents. And that is ok. That is a healthy boundary for me. Your sister may feel the same.
It is ok for you to not discuss your mom with you sister. It is ok for you to not be responsible for your sister's feelings. It is ok to say no to your sister. Your sister is her own person who has every right to live the life she wants with who she wants in whatever way she wants. You can let her go and focus on what you need right now.
Hugs. I'm so sorry about your mom.
But I learned about boundries, during the process, in That I didn't have any boundries and others did. Many have strong boundries about caregiving and knowing it is not for them. And that is ok in my opinion. That is what is best for them. I understand and accept that now.
Through Alanon and learning how to have boundries and put myself first, I know that I will never be a caregiver in any way for my toxic parents. And that is ok. That is a healthy boundary for me. Your sister may feel the same.
It is ok for you to not discuss your mom with you sister. It is ok for you to not be responsible for your sister's feelings. It is ok to say no to your sister. Your sister is her own person who has every right to live the life she wants with who she wants in whatever way she wants. You can let her go and focus on what you need right now.
Hugs. I'm so sorry about your mom.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Welcome, PuzzledHeart.
Maybe try and set some time aside to regroup and recharge before your busy week before Thanksgiving begins.
I've found this site, the support and information shared, to be very helpful during some very difficult times over the five years I've come here. I hope you will, too.
I also am sorry for what your mom and family face. It is a struggle and sometimes it's hard to be positive. I imagine your help, strength, and presence are very comforting to your mom and dad.
The others who've posted on your thread share some good stuff.
Hoping you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving.
Maybe try and set some time aside to regroup and recharge before your busy week before Thanksgiving begins.
I've found this site, the support and information shared, to be very helpful during some very difficult times over the five years I've come here. I hope you will, too.
I also am sorry for what your mom and family face. It is a struggle and sometimes it's hard to be positive. I imagine your help, strength, and presence are very comforting to your mom and dad.
The others who've posted on your thread share some good stuff.
Hoping you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving.
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Posts: 1,235
JOIE 12: "You could think of Thanksgiving as being for your mom and your dad. And you also. Anything else can be set aside for a day."
DG0409: "There are certainly times when I feel like I have a right to be angry at somebody because they're doing all this stuff wrong. But I can't change what they are doing, so that means if I want to not be angry anymore, I have to figure out how I can change what I'm doing in the situation. It's not an easy thing. "
BunnyNest: "It is ok for you to not be responsible for your sister's feelings. It is ok to say no to your sister. Your sister is her own person who has every right to live the life she wants with who she wants in whatever way she wants. You can let her go and focus on what you need right now. "
Thank you so much for your kind responses, and thank you especially for the wisdom contained in these quotes. I'm going to cut and paste them on a piece of paper and carry it with me on TG as talismen. I'll need as many good luck charms as I can get.
My family (nuclear and extended) isn't very good at setting up boundaries, and ironically enough I have a reputation of being "too good" at setting them up. My father has asked me to financially support my sister when he dies but I told him in no uncertain terms that her financial struggles are her own. I can't walk his path to heartbreak.
On the other hand my sister has no boundaries, and before this whole mess happened she opened her home to anybody that asked. Unfortunately, she also opened her home and heart to people who didn't deserve her kindness (including somebody who previously raped her - and she let him stay in her house WITH HER BABY DAUGHTER until her then husband kicked him out - I didn't find out until years later), so she expects the people closest to her not to have any boundaries either. So when we do draw the line, and say we can't do something she wants us to do, she lashes out like no other, and then the next day she tries to nice us back.
I'm particularly stressed out about TG because of its emphasis on food. The last time the family got together, she got angry at me for serving my mom a danish. I suspect she was angry at my mom for not drinking the vegetable juice she had prepared. She started talking about how she needed everybody's support as if she was the one with cancer, and how I was treating mom like a baby because mom didn't want the alternative therapies and I needed to force her to take it (I find that statement particularly ironic - because my sister often complained that my parents treated her like a baby and they expected her just to follow whatever they said.)
It's funny - the social worker at the hospital - one of the first questions he asked me was if my sister took drugs, and he had only met my sister once! And I was so blind to see it because even though she had had smoked pot in the past she was swearing up and down that she wasn't doing that anymore. And my friends had warned me years ago of her dramatic personality change (her best friend actually ended their friendship because my sister made false accusations against her as soon as my sister's affair was discovered. Now my sister is trying to nice her back.) but I had believed my sister when she had told me that her life was never better (I live an hour away so I wasn't interacting with her on a daily basis. But still I was so stupid Stupid STUPID for not seeing the signs in front of me.)
I am grateful for my husband and my son who have been real troopers as I schlep back and forth. My two nieces, unlike their mother, have NOT shied away from the situation and they love my parents to pieces (my sister pretty much leaves them there whenever she feels like it). As for my parents, they were very strict and they expected good grades from us. They are imperfect, but I can't call them toxic. However, they definitely had a toxic relationship with my sister. They are just WAY too meddling for their own good. But I can tell them to back off and mind their own business and it's fine (after a dramatic eye roll for good effect). My sister can't do that. She doesn't know how. She feels humiliated when they call her out on something. But her ability to make long-term decisions has been shot.
I suspect that some of the anger I have for my sister is in fact a way to deflect the anxiety I feel about losing my mom. I know intellectually that I cannot expect my sister to change her behavior, but in my heart I miss the sister I had ten years ago. But at the moment, I will be grateful that my mom is still here living way beyond what the doctors told her. As I told somebody the other day, I can either approach this with grace, or I can approach this like a schmuck. And grace trumps schmuckdom.
Thanks again.
DG0409: "There are certainly times when I feel like I have a right to be angry at somebody because they're doing all this stuff wrong. But I can't change what they are doing, so that means if I want to not be angry anymore, I have to figure out how I can change what I'm doing in the situation. It's not an easy thing. "
BunnyNest: "It is ok for you to not be responsible for your sister's feelings. It is ok to say no to your sister. Your sister is her own person who has every right to live the life she wants with who she wants in whatever way she wants. You can let her go and focus on what you need right now. "
Thank you so much for your kind responses, and thank you especially for the wisdom contained in these quotes. I'm going to cut and paste them on a piece of paper and carry it with me on TG as talismen. I'll need as many good luck charms as I can get.
My family (nuclear and extended) isn't very good at setting up boundaries, and ironically enough I have a reputation of being "too good" at setting them up. My father has asked me to financially support my sister when he dies but I told him in no uncertain terms that her financial struggles are her own. I can't walk his path to heartbreak.
On the other hand my sister has no boundaries, and before this whole mess happened she opened her home to anybody that asked. Unfortunately, she also opened her home and heart to people who didn't deserve her kindness (including somebody who previously raped her - and she let him stay in her house WITH HER BABY DAUGHTER until her then husband kicked him out - I didn't find out until years later), so she expects the people closest to her not to have any boundaries either. So when we do draw the line, and say we can't do something she wants us to do, she lashes out like no other, and then the next day she tries to nice us back.
I'm particularly stressed out about TG because of its emphasis on food. The last time the family got together, she got angry at me for serving my mom a danish. I suspect she was angry at my mom for not drinking the vegetable juice she had prepared. She started talking about how she needed everybody's support as if she was the one with cancer, and how I was treating mom like a baby because mom didn't want the alternative therapies and I needed to force her to take it (I find that statement particularly ironic - because my sister often complained that my parents treated her like a baby and they expected her just to follow whatever they said.)
It's funny - the social worker at the hospital - one of the first questions he asked me was if my sister took drugs, and he had only met my sister once! And I was so blind to see it because even though she had had smoked pot in the past she was swearing up and down that she wasn't doing that anymore. And my friends had warned me years ago of her dramatic personality change (her best friend actually ended their friendship because my sister made false accusations against her as soon as my sister's affair was discovered. Now my sister is trying to nice her back.) but I had believed my sister when she had told me that her life was never better (I live an hour away so I wasn't interacting with her on a daily basis. But still I was so stupid Stupid STUPID for not seeing the signs in front of me.)
I am grateful for my husband and my son who have been real troopers as I schlep back and forth. My two nieces, unlike their mother, have NOT shied away from the situation and they love my parents to pieces (my sister pretty much leaves them there whenever she feels like it). As for my parents, they were very strict and they expected good grades from us. They are imperfect, but I can't call them toxic. However, they definitely had a toxic relationship with my sister. They are just WAY too meddling for their own good. But I can tell them to back off and mind their own business and it's fine (after a dramatic eye roll for good effect). My sister can't do that. She doesn't know how. She feels humiliated when they call her out on something. But her ability to make long-term decisions has been shot.
I suspect that some of the anger I have for my sister is in fact a way to deflect the anxiety I feel about losing my mom. I know intellectually that I cannot expect my sister to change her behavior, but in my heart I miss the sister I had ten years ago. But at the moment, I will be grateful that my mom is still here living way beyond what the doctors told her. As I told somebody the other day, I can either approach this with grace, or I can approach this like a schmuck. And grace trumps schmuckdom.
Thanks again.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
You have been mourning the loss of your sister. The sister that you knew longer than the new one. Only you can decide how much contact you have with her.
You are mourning your mom. For that horrible time that we must face. It is one of the greatest loves of our lives. I am so sorry PH.
Walking boldly thru it with grace and strength will last you a lifetime.
I cry over the gravy each TG.
My dad always made it when he came to our home.
He taught me also, for the day he was no longer able to.
Doing this for your mom, will be doing it for you. My thoughts will be with you on TG. Sending you e-hugs my friend. Joie
You are mourning your mom. For that horrible time that we must face. It is one of the greatest loves of our lives. I am so sorry PH.
Walking boldly thru it with grace and strength will last you a lifetime.
I cry over the gravy each TG.
My dad always made it when he came to our home.
He taught me also, for the day he was no longer able to.
Doing this for your mom, will be doing it for you. My thoughts will be with you on TG. Sending you e-hugs my friend. Joie
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello,
It sounds like, given a chance, you'd like to unload on your sister for her poor history of taking advantage whenever she can and being quick to judge and say terribly hurtful things. You could write her a letter. Get it out. Then burn it. Send it in flame to your higher power so it no longer eats at you.
Then you can focus on making TG a peaceful day for yourself. Do whatever you can in advance and avoid stress. It is much easier to deal with a user (& she uses people too) with a calm and rested mind and heart.
Peace!
It sounds like, given a chance, you'd like to unload on your sister for her poor history of taking advantage whenever she can and being quick to judge and say terribly hurtful things. You could write her a letter. Get it out. Then burn it. Send it in flame to your higher power so it no longer eats at you.
Then you can focus on making TG a peaceful day for yourself. Do whatever you can in advance and avoid stress. It is much easier to deal with a user (& she uses people too) with a calm and rested mind and heart.
Peace!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Ah yes CodeJob, there's the rub. I don't want to pretend that this anger doesn't exist, but at the same time I fear that acknowledging the anger feeds it and makes it stronger. I don't want it to eat at me. Finding this website has been so helpful. I've been lurking for a couple weeks and it's been eye-opening.
Anaya, I am trying my best to carve out time for myself. My husband spoils me loads so he makes it so much easier for me. I'm really grateful for that. I went out for a run this afternoon and in the beginning I was just seething with anger, but after ten minutes of pounding the pavement I just went into the flow. Well as much flow as I can muster considering that I'm a pretty lousy runner.
JOIE12, crying over the gravy. That just broke my heart. But your words... I teared up. It was too much and too precious.
Thank you again, all of you.
Anaya, I am trying my best to carve out time for myself. My husband spoils me loads so he makes it so much easier for me. I'm really grateful for that. I went out for a run this afternoon and in the beginning I was just seething with anger, but after ten minutes of pounding the pavement I just went into the flow. Well as much flow as I can muster considering that I'm a pretty lousy runner.
JOIE12, crying over the gravy. That just broke my heart. But your words... I teared up. It was too much and too precious.
Thank you again, all of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
Anaya, I am trying my best to carve out time for myself. My husband spoils me loads so he makes it so much easier for me. I'm really grateful for that. I went out for a run this afternoon and in the beginning I was just seething with anger, but after ten minutes of pounding the pavement I just went into the flow. Well as much flow as I can muster considering that I'm a pretty lousy runner.
.
.
Getting out and walking helps me tremendously! I love it when the endorphins kick in and "power me up," lol. Thinking of you today and crossing fingers the week ahead and Thanksgiving with your family will be peaceful.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Puzzled...grief is hard work...and you are grieving so much. Mom, sister that you had 10 years ago or thought you had (had a similar experience although it was 15 years ago...and on Monday when I reached out again (two years wait this time as it is always so bad)--realized that deep attachments go deep; you mentioned a baby & don't know your circumstances...but I lost a baby 25 years ago and it changed me and my life--for the better after much inner work, grieving and learning that not all (most of all family) could handle it and so distanced themselves and blamed me for many things...strange how that happens...but once I dug deep and worked it out...it made me more capable of content and peace. This is a hard time...once we go through significant loss, we know what it will be when it happens again. Try to be gentle with yourself. Anger is a part of the grieving process and it doesn't feel good, but the full cycle cannot be completed without experiencing it. I did a lot of processing with outside counselors so I wouldn't affect family dynamics or make them worse, but none of the rest of the family did...and it only helped me. Know that the holidays can be so hard and it seems like a good time to just focus on you and your mother and let or try to not let in...all the rest. It will still be there afterwards...and you can start working on it then.
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