seek

Sad state of affairs with my relative. In the hospital. Very serious. Praying for miracles.

I'm doing the best I can.

I have another relative who is in AA and has a completely amazing support system, as a result. People came to the hospital are reaching out to my relative.

I have no support system and I would love one.

I also realized that these support people are nurturing. They hug my relative with warmth, bring food, and are basically "there" in real ways (not just "let me know if you need anything") - they are really "there" to lend support in anyways necessary.

I realized in my family there are zero nurturing people - no one who wants to talk on the phone - no one who inquires how you're doing or drops off food - no hugs and no warmth. I think this is tragic. I have tried to be that person in my family, but it was never well received. I am a nurturing person but have no one to nurture.

Anyway, it would be great to just have some hugs and kindess - someone to say "it's going to be okay," (or even if it's not, that they would be there).

This would make such a huge difference to me right now.

As it is, I have my dog and thank goodness for that.

Just processing and praying for miracles for my relative whom I love so much.

Sara21

Hi Seek,

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I know that virtual hugs aren't exactly the same as real hugs, but I'm sending you a big hug from here. I'm also sorry that you don't have the support system you need during these tough times.

Someone on this site (I don't remember who)has this saying as part of their signature: "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

You mentioned the lack of support you receive from your family, maybe it's time to start looking elsewhere. Do you belong to a church or have any friends/co-workers or neighbors that you may be able to reach out to? Sometimes our friends become more of a family than our own relatives.

I hope you know that there are people on this site who are praying for you and your loved ones. Sending you lots of positive thoughts, prayers and hugs.

Anaya

Include me with those who send prayers for you and your loved ones. Take care.

seek

Thank you, Sara21& Anaya. I really appreciate your support/prayers/hugs.

I realized that a lot of the "bad feelings" I am having are fear of the future and how I will be negatively impacted.

From a spiritual perspective, I believe my relative is on his own, unique spiritual path and that this Earthly experience is temporary and that in the larger scheme of things "All is Well."

Of course the family is negatively impacted by his actions and current condition, because we love him - the hard part is that the medical stuff is just one aspect. When you have someone who had medical needs, that can be tragic - if you add in alcoholism, mental health issues, and difficult personality (rejecting everything, arguing, etc.), it becomes so much worse.

I have been a caregiver manager (not hands on) for eleven years, and it took a huge toll on me.

I have also been this person's support system for more than 20 years, and that has not been easy either.

I just don't feel there is any hope for me to have a happy life - and I realize how selfish that is and yet, it is what I feel.

I took a first vacation in 18 years and enjoyed myself - there was some stuff that I was vaguely aware of going on with this person, but I did not let it interfere with my vacation. It turns out there was probably a relapse during that time.

I had been having prophetic dreams about this person's relapses, which were torturing me - so I asked that they be removed, and they were.

I do believe in God and angels and pray constantly, but I don't HEAR any advice from God in terms of what to do or not do (and that brings a lot of turmoil into my life because I don't want to harm by doing actions that are not truly helpful, and I also don't want to neglect and be in denial when I SHOULD be doing something).

I do feel a little bit better writing about this.

I wish I had some people to talk to.

I feel like I need wise counsel.

I will see my counselor tomorrow.

I just want to have a happy life and I feel I "deserve" it - I suppose that is my ego insisting that I get my way.

seek

The family member has sent me away twice - said I stress him out - doesn't want anyone to advocate for his care.

I vacillate between wanting to provide assistance that his mother has noted he will need - I know HOW to research, make phone calls, etc. I will wait till I am asked.

I fear that I will be drawn into filling in when I don't want to - and I don't want to be emotionally or verbally abused.

I love him very much and he loves me, I believe, to his capacity, which isn't too much at the moment.

I don't think he would be visiting me in the hospital if the situation was reversed (but then we don't have the same standard of expectations for alcoholics because they are "sick") . . . I was told never to have expectations.

I think this is "unfair" at a very base, karmic level.

Processing and more processing.

seek

I am freaking out . . . vacillating between my desires above, and sheer terror/worry/fear . . . logic doesn't help when my emotions get triggered. I don't know what is going on with my relative and got a text message that set me off . . . in the meantime, I had been outside planted some flowers, was doing okay, and then, boom - I'm a basket case, blubbering, crying, worrying.