Martyrdom and Self Pity
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Martyrdom and Self Pity
When I was working the 12 Steps of Nar-Anon, I didn't understand them. I didn't always agree with them. I was often confused by them. But.....I wasn't doing so well on my own so I knew I needed help and they seemed to have a plan that worked for many. So I endured through my own extreme discomfort and worked the program that I wished my son would work.
During that process, I realized that I was a volunteer in self pity and martyrdom. I use the word volunteer because the word "victim" further "victimized me" lol.....and the truth was.....I volunteered in the role of martyr and "hostess-with-the-most-est" when it came to a good self pity party.
I went to my step meetings every week and did the homework assigned each week faithfully......even when I didn't understand it, I wrote out my answers to weekly questions and did all of the recommended reading.
During the (dreaded) 4th step, which I no longer think of as "dreaded", there was a question about martyrdom and self pity. I periodically review the over packed notebook of writing I did during that time and I came across this......
My definition of martyr (not exactly Webster's):
"A person who sacrifices their wellbeing, health, needs, desires, financial security, time, etc., with the EXPECTATION that others will care, notice, appreciate, acknowledge, or do the same in return.....and blames and resents them if they don't."
That was when my AHA button got pushed. Resentment. I held a great deal of resentment toward many people. I recognized that the answer to moving forward was releasing resentment and voluntarily giving up my role as a martyr and indulgent pity party thrower.
For me.....the antidote to resentment was gratitude. Rather than focusing on those things that were negative in my life, I spent two months acknowledging those things that were right....every single day. I found gratitude in things that I previously held a negative view on.
There's a great book that I would recommend to anyone and everyone called "Miracles in 40 Days" by Melody Beattie. In it, she provides the format for changing a lifelong attitude. It worked for me.
Sharing my ESH......hope everyone is having a great day.
During that process, I realized that I was a volunteer in self pity and martyrdom. I use the word volunteer because the word "victim" further "victimized me" lol.....and the truth was.....I volunteered in the role of martyr and "hostess-with-the-most-est" when it came to a good self pity party.
I went to my step meetings every week and did the homework assigned each week faithfully......even when I didn't understand it, I wrote out my answers to weekly questions and did all of the recommended reading.
During the (dreaded) 4th step, which I no longer think of as "dreaded", there was a question about martyrdom and self pity. I periodically review the over packed notebook of writing I did during that time and I came across this......
My definition of martyr (not exactly Webster's):
"A person who sacrifices their wellbeing, health, needs, desires, financial security, time, etc., with the EXPECTATION that others will care, notice, appreciate, acknowledge, or do the same in return.....and blames and resents them if they don't."
That was when my AHA button got pushed. Resentment. I held a great deal of resentment toward many people. I recognized that the answer to moving forward was releasing resentment and voluntarily giving up my role as a martyr and indulgent pity party thrower.
For me.....the antidote to resentment was gratitude. Rather than focusing on those things that were negative in my life, I spent two months acknowledging those things that were right....every single day. I found gratitude in things that I previously held a negative view on.
There's a great book that I would recommend to anyone and everyone called "Miracles in 40 Days" by Melody Beattie. In it, she provides the format for changing a lifelong attitude. It worked for me.
Sharing my ESH......hope everyone is having a great day.
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What a wise post, Kind Eyes!
I too did my 12 steps initially because by God, if that is what my RAH was supposed to do - well I was on board as 100% supportive! I was competitive and wanted to be able to say I did my part. However, I quickly realized my 12 steps were about me and my recovery from a lifetime of being raised to be codependent and living my life the only way I had been shown (including selecting an emotionally reserved spouse).
For a long time I imagined receiving my RAH's amends as that moment that he would thank me for all that I did (sacrificed) to keep us intact. I wanted acknowledgement for all of my suffering from the primary source. But I never got a verbal amends from him. He is sober. He lives an honest and hard working life. He is living his recovery as best he can. I've had to accept that wanting that verbal acknowledgement was a big sign that I was still in martyr-mode. It made me ignore his daily acts of amends. We tell so many partners to watch what addicts do, not what they say. My addict has shown me his recovery now for 2+ years.
When I gave my Step 9 to my RAH, he did not accept it. And at that moment I let go of it as I understood his recovery was still full of denial about his addiction in regards to how it impacted his family. He may never really get there. He may never really winnow out whatever sparked him to go down the alcoholic response to his buried traumas. And it was all OK because my step 9 was really about me and my truth. I'd spoken it. I was done. I had to move on.
Now a lot of my work is making myself stay off the martyr track at work and at home. I try to keep my own interests alive. I point out passive aggressive and codependent behavior and try really hard not to engage. I work hard to stay a positive force. I selectively share recovery resources. I try to work towards peace and not drama.
I too did my 12 steps initially because by God, if that is what my RAH was supposed to do - well I was on board as 100% supportive! I was competitive and wanted to be able to say I did my part. However, I quickly realized my 12 steps were about me and my recovery from a lifetime of being raised to be codependent and living my life the only way I had been shown (including selecting an emotionally reserved spouse).
For a long time I imagined receiving my RAH's amends as that moment that he would thank me for all that I did (sacrificed) to keep us intact. I wanted acknowledgement for all of my suffering from the primary source. But I never got a verbal amends from him. He is sober. He lives an honest and hard working life. He is living his recovery as best he can. I've had to accept that wanting that verbal acknowledgement was a big sign that I was still in martyr-mode. It made me ignore his daily acts of amends. We tell so many partners to watch what addicts do, not what they say. My addict has shown me his recovery now for 2+ years.
When I gave my Step 9 to my RAH, he did not accept it. And at that moment I let go of it as I understood his recovery was still full of denial about his addiction in regards to how it impacted his family. He may never really get there. He may never really winnow out whatever sparked him to go down the alcoholic response to his buried traumas. And it was all OK because my step 9 was really about me and my truth. I'd spoken it. I was done. I had to move on.
Now a lot of my work is making myself stay off the martyr track at work and at home. I try to keep my own interests alive. I point out passive aggressive and codependent behavior and try really hard not to engage. I work hard to stay a positive force. I selectively share recovery resources. I try to work towards peace and not drama.
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Codejob
It's interesting that you brought up expectations as they relate to the 9th step. Expectations in general were a problem for me, which as you mentioned, creates resentment and creates that "poor me" attitude.
I struggled with the concept of not having expectations of others for a long time. I thought it was impossible. But I've discovered that it's not impossible. Once I realized that I was creating my own drama inside of my own head and that I had the power to stop it, things got so much better for me too! I think we create that internal drama because we get something out of it.....I'm not sure what.....but once I let go of the expectations and resentment toward others.....MY life got better. And gratitude was the key to getting there for me. Changing myself resulted in dynamic changes with others. I'm a slow learner though......took me a long time to figure it out! lol
Sounds like you have done some excellent work on you and that's a critical step in self care!
Take care of you!
It's interesting that you brought up expectations as they relate to the 9th step. Expectations in general were a problem for me, which as you mentioned, creates resentment and creates that "poor me" attitude.
I struggled with the concept of not having expectations of others for a long time. I thought it was impossible. But I've discovered that it's not impossible. Once I realized that I was creating my own drama inside of my own head and that I had the power to stop it, things got so much better for me too! I think we create that internal drama because we get something out of it.....I'm not sure what.....but once I let go of the expectations and resentment toward others.....MY life got better. And gratitude was the key to getting there for me. Changing myself resulted in dynamic changes with others. I'm a slow learner though......took me a long time to figure it out! lol
Sounds like you have done some excellent work on you and that's a critical step in self care!
Take care of you!
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Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Now a lot of my work is making myself stay off the martyr track at work and at home. I try to keep my own interests alive. I point out passive aggressive and codependent behavior and try really hard not to engage. I work hard to stay a positive force. I selectively share recovery resources. I try to work towards peace and not drama.
So, as for me, I finally recognized that even though I've been keeping in touch with my codependent behaviors at home and setting boundaries, I was (totally
) still with the stinkin' thinkin' on the job (but I've been working on it).
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(((Kindeyes)))) thank you for sharing that.
Letting go of expectations is something that I am working on now, after trying about everything else that doesn't work. lol
There is great peace in even the little success I have had.
hugs
chicory
Letting go of expectations is something that I am working on now, after trying about everything else that doesn't work. lol
There is great peace in even the little success I have had.
hugs
chicory
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 108
This conversation has sparked many memories for me. Years ago, during heated discussions with my son about his addiction and his resulting bad behaviors, he constantly turned the tables on me and accused me of trying to play the martyr role wallowing in self pity. Hmmm....I guess he hit the nail on the head. Yes I wanted him to acknowledge my sacrifices and reward me by getting sober. Boy was I off base. That truly was "stinkin thinkin." I did resent him because he just moved through life and left this horrible destruction in his wake and really never acknowledged it. Once I stepped out of his way and let him live how he chose without my being the martyr and feeling sorry for myself, a sense of peace came over me. Once again, let go and let God. It works!
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Originally Posted by Leftover
This conversation has sparked many memories for me. Years ago, during heated discussions with my son about his addiction and his resulting bad behaviors, he constantly turned the tables on me and accused me of trying to play the martyr role wallowing in self pity. Hmmm....I guess he hit the nail on the head. Yes I wanted him to acknowledge my sacrifices and reward me by getting sober. Boy was I off base. That truly was "stinkin thinkin." I did resent him because he just moved through life and left this horrible destruction in his wake and really never acknowledged it. Once I stepped out of his way and let him live how he chose without my being the martyr and feeling sorry for myself, a sense of peace came over me. Once again, let go and let God. It works!
Letting go of resentment, anger, fear.......all of it improved my life dramatically!
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Originally Posted by chicory
(((Kindeyes)))) thank you for sharing that.
Letting go of expectations is something that I am working on now, after trying about everything else that doesn't work. lol
There is great peace in even the little success I have had.
hugs
chicory
Letting go of expectations is something that I am working on now, after trying about everything else that doesn't work. lol
There is great peace in even the little success I have had.
hugs
chicory
I'm pretty serene these days but it took me so very long to get there. Now it's a maintenance thing for me....and it still takes effort to maintain my peace of mind.
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Kindeyes, it does take a long time to accept the unacceptable. And even harder to be serene in doing so. I sometimes surprise myself with what I can deal with now. I think that.'s why, when I get derailed, it scares me so bad. I sure don't want to go back into that rabbit hole. This recovery is life long.
From this mom's heart to yours ������
From this mom's heart to yours ������
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Originally Posted by Leftover
Kindeyes, it does take a long time to accept the unacceptable. And even harder to be serene in doing so. I sometimes surprise myself with what I can deal with now. I think that.'s why, when I get derailed, it scares me so bad. I sure don't want to go back into that rabbit hole. This recovery is life long.
From this mom's heart to yours ������
From this mom's heart to yours ������
Hugs to you!
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