seek

I also have much more respect for my fear of this person - I jump when I see a phone call coming in from them - like Pavlov's Dogs - and I should - they have brought a lot of strife into my life.

My little girl does not feel safe around them and she is right! I have to listen to her instead of trying to get her to shut-up so I can just plow ahead! She needs some TLC and respect!

seek

I almost just wrote this on FB, but thankfully came to my senses and deleted it!

Many year's ago, I was in sales. I was away for awhile and my boss called on one of my clients. When she returned she said, "'So-and-so' is NOT your friend." Evidently this woman, who I had been calling on for a couple of years, trashed me to my boss. I was SHOCKED. I really liked this woman and would have never guessed that she was not my friend.

I tend to project good on people who I want to think good of - and I know I have done that with the alcoholic I am most involved with - cuz I love him so much - of course I want to believe he loves me (and when you love someone, you treat them well, right?) . . . this dynamic goes back to my abusive parent - I wanted their love too and believed they would treat me right . . . it's hard to accept that some people are unhealthy and can't love - and can actually be cruel in seeking their own interests.

These are hard lessons.

seek

Feelings of "unrequited love" today - related to the alcoholic - the surface feeling is feeling bad because he "doesn't love me" and has "used me," but the original feeling is from the abusive parent - same thing - didn't love me and abused me.

I understand, intellectually, that if you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else, and I am aware of the Four Agreements "Take Nothing Personally," but feelings aren't rational - the feelings are just "I'm not loved." I have a lot of rage and grief about this.

I am aware of "eating my feelings" (had five cookies!) over it - and see the similarities between me doing that and the alcoholic drinking. It is so painful to deal with these unresolved feelings.

seek

Really cycling into some stuff . . . had a lot of rage come up. I feel like I need a mirror - someone to listen and validate and when that is not possible, I feel a primal rage (probably going back to infancy - not getting needs met or being mirrored). It's very painful.

Hopefully I will not get stuck in this stuff.

Praying for healing.

Anaya

Prayers for strength for you. You're knowledgeable and very capable. The pain and anger are tough ones, though, aren't they?

Rage I've been pushing down has surfaced over the last few days. It's nasty and I am ashamed for blowing up. Actually and speaking truthfully - I become even more angry recognizing that I feel guilty for being angry.

I'm just not handling my anger well lately (obviously). I thought I had everything under control as far as being positive and keeping my boundaries.

Tomorrow is a new day. One day at a time.

seek

I feel like I am cycling through kind of rapidly - having so many realizations. It is really helping me to name the feelings and not swallow them or stuff them down.

Today I was getting rid of some old messages on my phone and read interactions with this alcoholic and the pattern really struck me! Then I was able to discuss it with my ex-husband and even confide that yes, this might seem obvious to others, but the childhood stuff was not being dealt with. He isn't even very introspective but just listened and didn't try to minimize my feelings or argue with my assessments - it felt very healing.

Also watching some great vids on You Tube.

The anger and rage are so painful but they must be felt and matched with the original trauma (if possible - some are in-utero or infancy and can't be remembered).

It is also helpful for me to talk to my "little girl" who is just so scared.

I had a lot of fear today - feeling unsafe . . . and am doing better right now.

I pray I can heal this.

seek

I think in the public it would be helpful if CURRENT TRAUMA (from alcoholics and other dysfunctional people - and their numbers are staggering - no pun intended) was named and discussed.

Of course that can't be done because the alcohol industry is so powerful - and so many people are drinking to one degree or another - it's so socially acceptable - you're a FREAK in our society if you don't want to be used and abused by alcoholic b.s. - It cannot even be spoken about in public.

No one talks about it in the office - what horrible things happened over the weekend.

Rehab is now big business and no one questions that. When I was growing up, rehab was a foreign concept and if there was one and someone had to go to it, they would be considered a leper - now it's socially acceptable to go to rehab several times - no big deal. All the family members affected are just "collateral damage." No one cares too much if women and children (the preponderance of alcoholics and addicts are male) suffer . . .

seek

The above is a rant - my feelings. Not looking to argue.

janes ear

Oh boy..prayer for healing

Anaya

To the point of drinking being socially acceptable: Exposure and influence start way before legal age (21 years old, here where I live) and the concept of drinking as a social activity is I would guess pretty ingrained by the time they're adults. Of course, beer commercials target and feature the young ones, too. Tailgating that includes drinking before sporting events is a hugely accepted activity in my area.

Leftover

Eating and drinking are the acceptable and expected way to socialize. Nearly 70% of Americans are overweight or obese. I don't know the statistics, but I wonder how many of those are drinkers or alcoholics. Cigarette commercials glamorized the habit and targeted the young and beautiful. Now that is illegal. I wonder if the same advertising restrictions were placed on alcohol and food, would we see a decline in obesity and alcoholism? Food for thought. ( no pun intended )

seek

I feel strongly that there should be no advertisement allowed at all for drugs or alcohol.

Such powerful, seductive images.

seek

I have a problem that I do not know how to address. I have realized this for a while now.

I am too fragile and too influenced by what the alcoholic does or does not do - therefore I give my power away to them and I am "like a rag doll on a roller coaster."

I have tried a lot of different methods to address this problem.

I have been programmed to expect bad news and sensitized to the alcoholic.

I am thinking about trying hypnosis (I have actually tried some but it has not been effective yet).

I realize it is something in me that gets triggered. I just can't seem to effect it for positive yet.

Hopefully "more will be revealed."

seek

TRUST: It turns out this is a major issue . . . in realtime, I cannot trust the alcoholics - to be sober or to be honest, caring, etc. Because I cannot trust important people in my life, I feel afraid. You never know what can happen next. Every day feels like a ticking time bomb.

God also cannot be trusted, because God does not stop bad things from happening - so I can't pray for bad things not to happen, only that I will be strong enough to endure whatever happens. It's not a warm and fuzzy feeling.

The original lack of trust goes back to an abusive parent - couldn't trust the parent to love me or take proper care of me - that's a big one for feeling unsafe in the world - add the overt abuse in and the world really IS not safe. You can get hurt by people you love. And they don't care.

So trust is HUGE for me . . . don't know how to work with this.

CodeJob

Hello Seek,

If you aren't working with a counselor, I highly recommend finding one. This objective resource can help you acknowledge your past, work on acceptance, and address how to change how you function in your current situation.

A counselor can help you control the overwhelming nature of discovering how everything that happened to you likely has impacted your current situation.

seek

I am working with a therapist - and she's great, but not magic.

She is on vacation now - and I feel I have had so many revelations about the origin of my current issues - praying for healing of core wounds and having faith that it is a process that is occurring.

schnappi99

Not trying to sell you on alanon seek, but when these kinds of things show up its really nice to discuss it face to face with others in the 'biz'. The shrink my wife and I were seeing is an AA and he really helped me get over the initial learning curve in alanon, till I started getting to know and connect with others in the program. Isolation and fear have been a big part of what made issues seem insoluble to me- affecting everything from speaking to a group to sex to acceptance and plain old empathy; I find it they tend to skew my attitudes without me even being aware at the time.

seek

schnappi99 - Thanks - not a fan of Alanon - attended for years. I do think an addiction counselor would be helpful - hard to find a good one - but in theory would be super helpful!

Fear is my biggest challenge. It is a monster!

Yesterday got even more insights . . . but the insights don't erase the fear or my wounding - they do help in some way - still processing, so not sure exactly how it all fits into the puzzle.

Today praying for healing of my core wounds . . .

schnappi99

We had a tough time finding a shrink too. Resentment is my big ego trouble nowadays, fear is in there too often as a consequence. Just saw some of those for what they were yesterday.

odaat13

you stole the words out of my mouth about dealing with abuse and loving people that wont love you back....i feel the same way with every word you said. these thoughts have been haunting me lately. when they come up i try to say positive things such as...."i deserve to be loved...i am a wonderful person...i deserve happiness" etc etc etc....

hope we can solve the issues of mental and emotional abuse together.