whirledpeas

Hello Forum,

I just joined and can't believe the wealth of information here. My husband and I have been struggling with how best to support our son (25) and I need advice. We learned in March that our son and his girlfriend each had long addictions to opiates. We learned this because, his girlfriend (who was living with us) overdosed on fentanyl in our basement. (We knew there were issues with weed, but were naive and didn't know what was happening right under our noses. We've learned alot since then.) We woke up to about 30 police and rescue personnel in the house. My son had been giving her CPR while on the phone to 911, to no avail. She was unresponsive--blue, eyes rolled back, making a sucking sound in her throat. Paramedics revived her with Narcan. We learned from the police detective that our son had also been in a similar situation, almost as bad, but not quite, which his girlfriend video taped on her phone (but didn't call police).Our son immediately and happily went into a treatment program at a hospital, "graduated", got a full time job at the beach (where both of our other sons work in the summer--good influences, who have been completely on board with supporting him) about 3 hours away, broke up with the girlfriend. Looks great, is happy, like he used to be. (We go out to the beach most of the summer and also have a lot of family out there, so lots of people around that love him and care for him.) This week we found out he used our car and snuck back to see the girlfriend here at home. (She has not been in any kind of a program, but says she is off.) I immediately went over to her parents' house and took back our car due to the lie. Since then, we've really had some hard discussions about the lying--the worst part, but also about the ex girlfriend. He's very defensive of her and I think he wants to get back with her. I'm terrified. I can't decide if I just need to shut up about his resuming a relationship with her. Does telling him the truth about why we think it's bad to rekindle with her just alienate him so that we won't ever know what's going on? He's an adult. He can just shut us out. No one likes the girl and the whole family and many of our son's friends think she's just awful. I know she's not the cause of his problems and didn't make him do anything. But she's definitely not part of the solution. Help! I don't know how to handle this. He says he's not using. But isn't this a step backward?

chicory

Welcome Whirledpeas.

He may be going backward, but it's his journey. You cannot make him do anything. He has been through rehab, so he knows very well how she will affect his life. He is making bad choices, but they are his to make.

However, you do not have to let him use your car, or fund his life style in any way. Sounds like he has some hard lessons to learn.

Take care of yourself, protect your belongings, and be firm in your boundaries. Hopefully he will see the danger, and change course.

I am so sorry. Its so heartbreaking to see our kids , grown or not, making dangerous choices like this.

Its good to support them in their recovery, but they need to know that the work is theirs to do.
hugs

MyJoey

I just wanted to send a huge (((((HUG ))))). I totally understand the fear and pain you are feeling. My son is also a heroin addict, Its been horrible. He's 23, I have spent years saving him and it has done no good. There are no easy answers to the problem but if you can detach as much as you can from him and don't support or believe a word he says. It's something I could never do and I have paid the price over and over.

Kindeyes

One of the most important lessons I have learned regarding being the mother of an adult addicted son.....is to let it be. The more I interfered, the bigger the problems became. For example, if you dislike and try to impede a relationship with girlfriend, he may want to prove to you that she's the one for him.....even when she proves to him over and over again that she is not. If you just let it be, he may quickly discover for himself that she is not good for him.

Allowing our adult children to learn the really tough lessons is difficult to watch. I would often interfere with my son's life to resolve my own feelings of extreme discomfort with my son's circumstances. I viewed it as the loving thing to do.....when the truth is that it was far from loving and quite selfish of me.

I had to learn how to detach.....which basically means I resolved my discomfort with his circumstances by dealing with ME rather than trying to control him. I set boundaries. And I controlled my life and how his intersected with mine rather than trying to control his life so that I could be comfortable.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense to anyone else but it is a summary of my own experience with an adult addicted son.

Take care of you and I hope and pray that your son learns his lessons quickly and stays on the path of a clean and sober life.

Lovenjoy

these are the words i was looking for today with my therapist!

i have boundaries and i stay out of ras's stuff really well but i still need better coping strategies when it comes to the places that his life intersects with mine.

so awesome to have that one word help bring clarity to my thinking so i can pull out of a small vortex i've been in.....

thanks kindeyes! and yes your post makes much sense to me! it is so true that the more i interfere the bigger the mess gets. it's his path and if he doesn't make the choices he can't own his life. it took me a long time to realize how selfish i was being by taking his power from him when i micromanaged.

sending good thoughts your way whirledpeas. welcome to SR, you are not alone. there is so much support here, the kindness and wisdom shown saved my sanity and has helped me find peace in the midst of chaos.

hoping for the best for you and your husband and your son.

OmTara

I have an adult daughter who is addicted to Opiates, and it has been a long, hard, sad, scary journey. This page over the years ( yes I was on it long ago and recently rejoined) has been such a blessing for me, and I am sure you will find renewed strength and much knowledge here.

Opiates are very strong drugs, and going through rehab isn't a "sure" fix. There are just so many factors that come into play. The fact that he stole your car and went to go see his girlfriend is, to me, a Red Flag Alert. Why? Because he lied to you. And that is what addicts do. And they are great at it. And the fact that he isn't ready to walk away from his relationship with someone whom he did drugs with is another Red Flag. Because I just find it almost impossible that they BOTH were able to quit, pretty much just like that, over her OD episode.

I agree with the other poster that trying to keep him away from the girlfriend, or putting her down is not going to help this situation. I think what you might want to consider is setting up a plan for him to get financially on his feet and move out of your house. Or, find a halfway house he can go live at. Your life is on hold while he is living there.

It is such a fine line between support and enable. I know because I have walked this tightrope for so long. You don't want to abandon but you don't want to help them continue to abuse drugs. It isn't always easy to see where the line should be drawn.

************************{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} and please stay connected to page and let us know how you are doing, and your son.

Leftover

Hi Whirledpeas. I'm glad you found this site.

I also have an adult addicted son. I think the key word is ADULT. I found it so difficult to see the distinction between helping/loving and enabling. Your son is an adult. That is key. I finally got the strength to tell my son.....I will not do anything for you that you should be doing for yourself. Then the hard part began.....sticking to my guns......without guilt. This may be the hardest thing you will ever do. Know that by coming here you will get all the support you want. Good luck and I pray your son stays well.

From this mom's heart to yours. ��������

Puddinface52

I cannot believe how reading these posts just now - made me stop and think about myself. I have been doing EXACTLY the same thing. Trying to control my 28 year old son and his drug addiction. Trying to get him to change and stay away from the people that he knows he should not be near. Trying to get him to stop doing drugs and obsessing on every move he makes and every where he goes and every person he is with. He has been in rehabs. He has done two short jail stints. He knows what he has to do. I have to work on myself and stop trying to control what I know I cant. The more I interfere and try and control him - the further he pulls away. The worse my relationship seems to get. Please pray for me. I need strength to once again do what I need to do....xox

RecoveryRenee

You are not alone. Parenting is so difficult. When our children become adults we are not responsible for what they do, who they love, or consequences of any of their life choices. My only child, whom I put through college and was so proud of is a heroin addict. I have watched him lose literally everything in his life over a matter of four months. I set boundaries and learned everything I could about this horrible disease. I told him that if he stole from me that I would contact the police. He stole from me, I called the police. I have not paid for any court fees, lawyers, nothing. He has to pay the consequences. That is because I love him so much. It was much easier to call the police than a funeral home. He is in jail, I visit and write. I love him. I have learned that if you give an addict any soft landings it only enables them to continue using. Hardest things I have ever done in my life. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. No one, even your own adult child, should ever get away with stealing, lying, and manipulating. My son has burned all his bridges and truly has not one thing left to his name. If he can get clean he will have a family again. If not, I will never live with him. Sounds so harsh but my sanity is very important. Thank you for listening to this "forum" newcomer. I can't, God can, Let God!