briartell

I have an alcoholic sister that has been so for many years. My mom, who I love dearly, is using up all her time and energy trying to save my sister. She has very little time for me and my children. I live 10 minutes closer to her than my sister. She will go see her in hopes that "loving her will help her see the light", but the drive is too long when it is to see me and my children. I have mentioned how I feel, but she says that it is simply not true. Or she will say that she needs her more. Just today she turned my request to meet her for lunch because she will be seeing my sister the day before. If I want to see her or talk to her, I have to call or I have to make the drive, only to have her tired or only half listening.

This is making me question whether or not there is something wrong with me.

I am so hurt by all this. Alcohol has robbed me of my dad, my brother-in-law (suicide from alcoholism), my sister and now, my mom, yet she isn't an alcoholic.

I recognize that she is addicted to helping my sister. I probably should use the same techniques I have learned in Al-anon, like detachment, but the thought of doing so, leads to sobbing. We were so close.

Any tips for dealing with emotional abandonment?

Twofish

Dear Briartell,
Welcome to SR!
I'm in the same emotional boat as you are. My sister is addicted to opitates. Her two kids are wild and naughty. My mom pays all her attention to my sister and her girls, while I sit back, cry, feel left out and jealous.
My sister is an addict. Well, so are my daughters, but my mom seems to think I am the strong one and my sister is weak and needs her help.
It's painful, isn't it? This has been going on for years. I've learned not to argue with my mom. I learned to appreciate the little time she gives me.
I try not to think and dwell on it. I just accept it. That's easy for me to say and hard for me to find the words to comfort you.
Your mom loves you. Just think about that love. Your mom is doing what she thinks she needs to do and she's not intentionally hurting you, but helping (in her own mind) your sister.
I'm sorry for the pain you feel...I feel the exact same pain.
Take care
TF

chicory

What a sweet post, Twofish. You are exactly right.. your moms love you, but they are just trying to save another child from dying. Its a terrible thing, for everyone.

hugs, from a mom who has been guilty of depleting myself for my sickest child. Now, to preserve my sanity, and to make sure my other children get the good part of me, I make sure not to expend my energies trying to fix my broken adult child. Its harder when that adult child is in a bad way... I am blessed that my son has more good times than bad now.

hugs to both of you. I hope that soon, things will be better for both your families. Nothing wrong with either of you, except you have loving hearts that are hurting

briartell

I apologize for my errors in the original post. I was sobbing when I was writing it. Thanks for responding. It helps to have someone listen.

chicory

No need to apologize Briartell. We are all with you, in spirit, so please, post any time. it does help to talk to someone.

Ap052183

I have been living this too although I don't have kids. My brother is an addict and he and my dad have an extremely codependent relationship. After years I've detached so much. My dad also tries to save through love. It doesn't work. Its extremely frustrating. I try to tell myself to feel good about myself that I don't need what my brother needs. My dad used to tell me that I was jealous of my brother which is terrible. He's a mess...why would I be jealous? I'm angry at both of them...not jealous. Addiction is terrible. It affects every part of life.

briartell

I get called jealous too and it really bugs me. I feel emotionally abandoned by my mother. Angry that my life is being altered by this disease. I hate it!! Jealous is not one of them. I don't envy my sister's life. She has a hard one. I don't think the attention she gets from my mom is the kind of attention I want either. It isn't healthy attention. I just really miss my mom. I miss having a lunch with her and hearing her laugh. I miss going out about town and discovering the area. I miss hearing the phone ring and hearing, "I was thinking of you and just wanted to let you know that I love you." I miss watching an old movie and eating homemade nachos.

And I am working on finding peace amongst all the madness, I just never thought I would have to treat my mom like an addict. This pill has been the hardest to swallow.

Chino

briartell, my sister is not an addict (that I know of) but I'm positive she has borderline personality disorder. I'm also positive my mom is 100% addicted to her.

A couple of years ago I finally allowed myself to mourn the death of a fantasy -- that my mom and I had a bonafide relationship. Four months ago I was reminded of that fact in no uncertain terms. Neither my sister nor I live in our home state but we were both in town at the same time, and my mom completely blew me off. No return phone calls, nothing. She called three days later to apologize and I let it go to voicemail. I did not want to speak with her!

She kept calling so I finally sent an email telling her I got the messages but had nothing to say. I'd get in touch with her later. Because I choose to honor her for my own sake, not hers, I gave considerable thought to what I wanted, what I wanted to say, how I felt and how I needed to remember to always protect myself from her and my sister.

The email I finally sent her was a masterpiece, if I say so myself. I was respectful yet firm, and above all, I honored myself. I did for myself what she is apparently unable, unwilling, or not interested in doing for me.

Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to mourn, too. It is very much a painful loss! I was stuck in a horrible rut because I didn't want to accept the truth. Who would??? But it's been wonderfully freeing ever since then. I can love my mom and sister from afar and have minimal cautious contact with them. I have zero expectations of them, not even reasonable ones. My mom and sister have no power over me any more.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

CodeJob

Hello Briar,

Have you done any family of origin work? Have you ever tried inner child therapy? These approaches might help you review and release your past hurts. How about Adult Children of Alcoholics? Much of their Laundry List is also very apt for dysfunctional families.

Before I knew all of that, I took a geographical cure, detachment, and I have a nice group of older women friends. They help fill the holes.

Peace in your heart. Work towards that.

briartell

Thank you for the recommendation. It is giving me direction that I so badly needed. Thank you.

I am doing better today. Thank you all for your support.