seek

I would like to use this thread to talk about the feelings of the relatives of alcoholics and addicts - not about the addicts. Ninety percent of the posts on relative forums are about the alcoholics and the addicts and what they did or are doing . . . the focus is always "out there."

I get it. I understand. But I need a place to talk about MY feelings.

In Buddhism, they speak of the kernel of an emotion being inside you - so if you become angry, it is because you have the seed of anger inside you.

I understand that the alcoholic in my life triggers my fear - they actually do things, in real time, that create more fear - so I am being constantly traumatized, but there is a big seed of fear in me that is ready to get triggered at any moment. They do a good job, but any number of things could also do it. For me, it is about survival. So if I feel they are doing something that threatens my ability to cope, I feel that my life will be ruined and in the end, I won't survive (I am not really sure about that last part - it feels more just like my life will be ruined and I'll be miserable).

The same effect could happen if a number of disasters occurred to me. I am very easily scared by lack of money situations and mechanical failures - fear of being stranded without a working car and fear of systems failing that I cannot repair (because I don't understand the dynamics involved and I am not mechanical - for instance, plumbing and electrical systems).

I do have a huge fear of anyone I love suffering (human or other animal). I just cannot bear to witness the suffering of others. When Katrina occurred, I remember a wall slamming shut in me - I just could not go there, it was too devastating to me. That also happened to me when there was a huge road accident and I heard the description of what happened. I just could not process it. Way too traumatic.

I have been involved in many practices to heal my inner wounds and have had much success (prayer, Reiki, aromatherapy, and many other modalities).

Today I became triggered a couple of times - when I thought something should be happening that did not appear to be happening. I had a fear around the alcoholic - and my body went into fight or flight.

I believe in God, but have no trust that God or anyone else would spare me from turmoil. So I don't trust that things will turn out okay. They might not and I might not be able to cope (the survival issues again).

I cannot accept alcoholism or drug addiction from a moral or emotional perspective. I understand it intellectually, but it goes against my core values and I cannot get there emotionally or morally. I know there is a lot of press about it not being a moral issue, but I disagree with that premise. Whenever you hurt someone - consciously or unconsciously, I believe it's a moral issue. And there is choice involved. If you hurt someone more than once and you know what caused it, then it's a moral choice from my perspective. And I judge it as such (and this brings me no acceptance or serenity, so it is a problem for me, but seems to be the way I am wired).

Today I had a very good day until a certain point and then I went into fear. I will be doing practices to try to recover my equanimity for the rest of the evening.

I just needed a place to vent and talk about my feelings.

Feelings can't be rationalized or debated. They just are. They arise, and if you allow them to, they move through you. So I am trying to help with that process.

If anyone would like to share about YOUR feelings - and YOUR process, that would be awesome. If not, I will just use this as my venting space from time-to-time.

Thanks for listening.

irisgardens

Like this. WIll contribute later in the week--heavy work schedule.

chicory

I like this too Seek. It has always helped me to discover what is bothering me, by writing it out.

thank you

Whitewingeddove

Like this also! Will try to post at some point. Thanks for starting this thread!

seek

As people contribute, I think it would be helpful if we refrained from giving advice and just let this be a place where people can process feelings.

I slept almost 10 hours last night and had dreams where I was processing, processing, processing. In one dream, a drug addicted person was going through my garbage outside . . . I also dreamed that I needed to use Lemon Essential Oil in my diffuser to cleanse my environment. I am going to do that today.

I am feeling kind of unstable and unsafe. There is a full moon tonight, which is a time to let go of stuff, so today I am planning on doing some gardening. It is a beautiful day where I live.

Hope others are doing well or okay today.

seek

I hope writing here will give me some insight and relief. I woke up late today and decided to spend the day gardening. I am seeking peace. I was contacted by the alcoholic and it set me off (nothing important, but I did not wish to be bothered). I noticed myself getting more and more angry and resentful and have developed a headache.

The problem is that the relationship is one way (and has to be because you can't process like an adult with someone in early recovery). There is no space for me to have my feelings around this or that so I stuff them, then they pop up and I feel terrible and then resentful, etc.

Not sure what the solution is for this.

I read somewhere yesterday that you should view life as a Three Ring Circus, and you should find a way to keep yourself in Peace in the middle. I think my problem is being unable to keep my own peace - and that is a boundary issue - I allow other people to disturb my peace. I give my power away - if I knew HOW not to do it, I would protect myself, but I don't seem to have learned how to do this.

Maybe writing about it will help me become more aware of the nuances of my process.

BellaBlue

Seeking peace for me means I have to let the alcoholic go his way, which he did. He opted for no contact at all. I must accept that this is my life, for whatever reason. It is very hard sometimes, yet no contact frees me to let him go. It causes me to feel pain, hurt, defeat, impotence, guilt, sadness, anger, depression, fear, anxiety and a deep sense of loss. I cycle round and round through all those emotions. I pray for him. I pray for me. I pray for my other children who are rocked and knocked off kilter by losing both a father (dead from overdose) and brother to alcoholism.

I am relieved to be off his merry-go-round, but wonder what has happened to him. Will I ever know?

Will the pain my other children feel and the pain they see in me that they cannot fix cause them to distance from me? I think it may and I am afraid of that, too.

seek

I surprised myself with the feelings of intense anger and resentment that I am harboring. The problem seems to be that I cannot or will not (not sure which) accept life on life's terms.

I feel tricked - that I did not agree to this debacle. I don't know why I feel that way. It is obviously my ego. I don't know what to do about it either.

I have an entitlement issue - I feel that I would not have come into this world under these circumstances. I wish I could review my contract and see what I agreed to and why.

I am still pissed at the moment. I have a tight jaw, muscle tightness, and a seething resentment in my belly. So attractive!

I got a pedi but it just took the edge off a little bit.

I am not sure what would be helpful. I seem to cycle through this quite a bit.

Whitewingeddove

Me...I've been feeling really agitated lately. Everything seems to set me off......even the littlest of things. Realizing I am ANGRY! Angry about a lot of things, which all boil down to basically being sick and tired of my life being upended and overcast by addiction......through the choices of others, and no fault of my own.

People have recently said "what a wonderful thing you are doing for your granddaughter" (we have had her for 10 weeks, while my son & his GF are in rehab and hopefully doing what is needed to get their lives back on track). I know they mean well, and are trying to be supportive, but truly, where is the choice? I love my precious grandbaby with ALL my heart, how could I do anything different than what I am doing?

I am pissed......pissed that addiction exists......pissed that my life is upended as a result, pissed that her life is upended as a result.........Pissed that I have lost myself over the years to the extent that I have, and am envious of others who don't have this dark cloud hanging over their everyday lives. Lately, I am newly pissed that adopted family members/former foster parents of my son's GF are suddenly feeling the need to post her supportive comments on FB and congratulating her for "doing the right thing for herself and her daughter". Where the "F" have these people been for the last 2.5 years since my precious GD was born? Where were these people when things were really tough? Where were these people when I had to worry about my GD being homeless with addicted parents? Where have these people been in my GDs life? Now that there is a "plan" and the dust has settled somewhat......these people are now coming out of the woodwork!!!! Really????????????

Pissed that it is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to bed......

Rant over...........thank you..........I will carry on, as I always do. some days are definitely better than others!

this is truly the abbreviated version of my feelings......but feels good on some level to get it out there!

WWD

Anaya

I have been feeling hopeful and peaceful.

I do realize I am avoiding reality a bit of late so as not to lose the serenity! Time for a little tap on my shoulder, time for a reality check.

I am thankful for those who understand and are supportive.

PiperPene

I realize how strong my faith is every day. I always know that everything is going to work out. I feel really lucky to have that sense of peace. It's not that I'm never worried but it truly never takes over my being.

seek

Today was very challenging. Lots of trauma and drama. One of my "kids" entered rehab. I had a few moments of agitation, but was able to maintain my serenity and actually do particular things that needed to be done and to interact with around seven or eight people without blowing a gasket. This is all due to angelic assistance, I believe.

AlcSis

Today I feel sad. Because my sister is in an alcoholic crisis.

Today I feel relieved because I recently set strong boundaries with my sister.

Today I feel angry because my sister will not admit her illness and refuses to seek help and I just hate this progressive and often hereditary disease of alcoholism. Did I mention that I feel angry today?

Today I feel hope and ambiguity because my sister may be hitting rock bottom.

Today I feel grateful that I am not an alcoholic and have the tools of Alanon, this website and some wonderful friends to help support through one of the most toughest times of my life.

I am fairly new to SR; unfortunately my entire life I have been dealing with alcoholism with family members and a friend or two.

Thanks for this topic.

seek

Experiencing a lot of fear and worry. Started with a thought last night, then infiltrated my dreams, and is continuing today.

My most challenging situation is not "dealing with my own stuff," but fear over other people - and obviously, I have no control over them, so it's a constant problem.

jenpi813

Thank you for starting this much needed thread. Relate to all the feelings posted (fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, peaceful etc ). Need to reach out to people who are supportive and understand so I do not feel alone in this. I am a 63 yr old daughter who moved back home 4 years ago to care for 90 year old mom. Mom is an enabler and addicted to her 60 year old life long opiate addict son, my brother. Being an elder care giver is tough enough without effects of addict behavior. Wish I could just cut my brother out of my life but cannot do so now. Cannot walk away from mom and live with myself. She will never kick him out of the house and now at 90 years of age cannot expect her to. I try to have as little to do with my brother as possible. My job is to keep me, mom, my dog and house safe. There's anger toward my brother for his choice of not getting serious help throughout his life. That anger covers intense pain for my brother wasting his whole life. Yet within this nightmare I am living I am managing to live my life: doing work I enjoy, socializing, pursuing new interests, performing, mindfulness meditation practice.

jenpi813

Realized today: brother addicted to opiates, mom addicted to son, I am addicted to mom. I am still trying to get her to see how she enables my brother. This is futile and wastes my energy. Need to let go of trying to "get her to see". In fact I think she does see but will never kick him out of the house. This is hard to accept but realizing what I am doing is the first step. Also I still have not fully accepted my brother's behavior even though on the outside I have lovingly detached from him. I need to lovingly detach from my mom who has been enabling him all his life. I will still take care of my mom. I also have control issues. Realizing I have no control over my mom's and brother's behaviors has throw me into a tail spin. When I was a child I received lots of verbal abuse from my dad (not physically an addict but a rage-aholic). At the time I had no control over his abuse and could not leave (and no one protected me). I did leave at 17 yrs. old. Even though as an adult I handle my life well on the outside on the inside at times I feel like that helpless little girl. Now that I am revisiting famliy dynamics that anxious, fearful, "good little girl" comes up a lot. Realizing this is good, I think. I need to see what aspects of my life are good and I do have influence over (taking care of mom, house, finances, my own life-work, social, creative, intellectual, spiritual). And if my brother ever gets into serious rehab then I will of course support him (and he knows this). I am a work in progress and it goes like this; one step forward, a couple of steps back, dancing my way toward a better life - one moment at a time even in the midst of extreme challenges. What do I believe? I believer in the power of life to shine through just like a small flower growing through the cracks in cement. Thanks for this space to voice my feelings.

jenpi813

Anaya, what a beautiful name.
Thank YOU for your response.

INgal

This thread couldn't have come at a better time. I'm a bundle of nerves, angry, sad, every single thing that the posters above have written. I drive by people's houses and envy their lives. I don't have a clue what they are experiencing, but I bet it's less painful than mine. Then i feel pangs of guilt for thinking that way.
I'm always trying to outhink my AS, even when he's been pretty good for a month or two.

I think "is this how it's going to be until I die?"

It's no way to live.

maia1234

Interesting Thread!!

I believe that I am not in charge, God is. What I want, and need are really not part of the equation. He has a plan for me and I have to accept that plan, if I want it or not. It has taken me many years to accept his plan and not control it myself or fight what he truly wants for me.

By letting God (or a higher power) be in control, my life has become calmer. I don't have to "make" this happen, it just will or won't. I don't have to force a solution that wasn't going to happen, because I wanted it to happen that way.

When you hand over your will to someone who is smarter then you, things become easier for you. I accept what his plan is. (doesn't mean I always agree with it) But it's his will and not mine, its the way it is suppose to be.

I wish you all serenity in your life as we are here a very short time, and I have fought to long to have it my way. It doesn't work and you will lose.

Peace my friends!!

seek

maia1234: Love your ability to let go. Wonderful.

I am writing today because I have some feelings to process - sometimes - no oftentimes, I "forget" that I can't get validated by people who are not the most healthy - I keep wanting to have a "normal" (i.e., functional) family - one whose members are all healthy and mutually supportive. Ha ha!!!

Anyway, I suffered hurt feelings last night when the alcoholic in recovery called and was testy with me. My feelings of being "unloved" were triggered. When I think about it logically, I realize this person is not capable of "loving" me at this point in time, and I don't have to take it personally. It still hurts, because I want it to be otherwise and I want to feel loved.

I also begin to worry - and that is a dead-end . . .

I have made good progress just lately on not playing horrible memories over in my mind. I have asked to have all bad memories removed and when they come up in my mind, I am training myself to "change the channel." Part of the challenge is that the stories are so dramatic - and I don't have much as compelling (good or bad) to capture my attention. I do realize that my thoughts are not where to place my focus . . . so then I switch to meditation and I do Reiki, so that helps too.

Just wanted an ear and a human to validate me today. I don't have that and I have to make do.

Thank you.