New here...seeking advice about mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 3
New here...seeking advice about mom
Hello all,
I've just joined the forum after stumbling upon it looking for advice on how to deal with my mother. I'll try to keep this short but you know how that goes, these issues are complicated.
My mother is just over 60 years old and lives in another state, about 5 1/2 hours from me. I'm almost 40 and have kids of my own now and a stable job and life. My mother has always been very outrageous in her actions, she seems to have a need to be the center of attention and has long been a user of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes (up to 2 packs a day), but I don't think she had a true problem until about 5 years ago. She had a routine outpatient surgery and doctor's orders were for her to stay in bed for 3-5 days following the surgery (at home). She had friends and her husband waiting on her hand and foot while she recovered and some great (narcotic) pain medications. It seems she decided she really liked all the attention she got from being "sick" because people were doing everything for her - even running to the store for her cigarettes. Fast forward...It's been five years now, and she is out of bed for less than 30 minutes per day. She has a slew of friends and housekeepers that literally serve her needs in bed. Her legs have atrophied down to sticks because she doesn't get out of bed (by choice). She barely eats, and when she drinks something, its either diet coke or shots of tequila or other shots. She is taking 10-12 different medications every day for "pain" including three different narcotics - her body is in total meltdown because of how she is abusing herself, so her doctors just keep prescribing her more and more drugs, seemingly her docs are prescribing her anything she wants. She is also stealing other peoples' meds (we caught her with a fentanyl patch, which she had never been prescribed, and she said she got it "from a friend.") She is clearly addicted to prescription drugs, and is also using marijuana.
She recently "faked" a drug overdose/suicide attempt (long story that I won't give details on here) and admitted she did it to get attention. She does not see anything wrong with that and acted like it was all a big joke that we should find amusing. This is not her first fake overdose, the first time I can remember her doing this, I was in fifth grade. It is scary, no matter how many times we go through it. I think...is this the time it's going to be real?
Her husband (to be clear, this is her 8th marriage) just divorced her because he could not take it any more. She refuses to help herself and really seems to enjoy the attention she gets as an "invalid." She's moved into a new house (that hubby is going to pay for, but for only one year only as part of the divorce settlement), she has no job and no intentions of getting one, and says she is applying for disability (I'm a lawyer and doubt she will get approved for SS disability). I went down to help her move and she had stolen a bunch of the ex-husband's stuff, which we had to return to him to avoid him pressing charges (what a mess). I spent nearly $1000 to get her groceries, a vacuum cleaner, a bed, etc. while I was there to help her move, as well as 3 TVs she insisted she had to have, and which my family members guilted me into buying her (poor mom, yada yada yada). In the meantime, her friends who live nearby have called me and demanded that:
1. they need me to come down there at least once a month to stay with my mom and "be there for her." AND
2. I need to be financially supporting my mom (even though her hubby is paying for her house and car and insurance and prescriptions, she only has to pay utilities, and she is getting $1300 a month in alimony).
I do not want to support my mother financially. It's a long story, but this is a woman who has (in the past) stolen my identity and my credit, she cleaned out my bank accounts at one point (by posing as me), among many, many other things. Also, she has literally has spent her entire life expecting other people to take care of her. I really don't want to enable that behavior by feeding it.
On the other hand, I know that she is an addict and I don't want to leave her in the cold or leave my sisters to handle this mess alone. I am mad at her for doing this to herself, and at her doctors for enabling it with the prescriptions, but I have no way to talk to them (she's repeatedly said I could come to an appointment with her to talk to her docs but then she does not actually follow through and allow me to do so). I assume in a year, when hubby stops paying for everything and no more alimony, she will lose her house and end up needing a place to stay, and I am not willing to take her in (the two-pack-a-day habit around my asthmatic son will NOT fly in my house, and I'm not exposing him to her craziness...nor am I willing to risk my marriage by bringing her nightmare into my house).
Am I wrong for essentially cutting her off, being there for emotional support but not offering financial support or living space?
I am emotionally wrecked because her friends have made me feel guilty for taking this stance, but I also don't know how to handle her addiction and her path into destruction.
Thanks in advance for reading this marathon-long post.
OldestOfThree
I've just joined the forum after stumbling upon it looking for advice on how to deal with my mother. I'll try to keep this short but you know how that goes, these issues are complicated.
My mother is just over 60 years old and lives in another state, about 5 1/2 hours from me. I'm almost 40 and have kids of my own now and a stable job and life. My mother has always been very outrageous in her actions, she seems to have a need to be the center of attention and has long been a user of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes (up to 2 packs a day), but I don't think she had a true problem until about 5 years ago. She had a routine outpatient surgery and doctor's orders were for her to stay in bed for 3-5 days following the surgery (at home). She had friends and her husband waiting on her hand and foot while she recovered and some great (narcotic) pain medications. It seems she decided she really liked all the attention she got from being "sick" because people were doing everything for her - even running to the store for her cigarettes. Fast forward...It's been five years now, and she is out of bed for less than 30 minutes per day. She has a slew of friends and housekeepers that literally serve her needs in bed. Her legs have atrophied down to sticks because she doesn't get out of bed (by choice). She barely eats, and when she drinks something, its either diet coke or shots of tequila or other shots. She is taking 10-12 different medications every day for "pain" including three different narcotics - her body is in total meltdown because of how she is abusing herself, so her doctors just keep prescribing her more and more drugs, seemingly her docs are prescribing her anything she wants. She is also stealing other peoples' meds (we caught her with a fentanyl patch, which she had never been prescribed, and she said she got it "from a friend.") She is clearly addicted to prescription drugs, and is also using marijuana.
She recently "faked" a drug overdose/suicide attempt (long story that I won't give details on here) and admitted she did it to get attention. She does not see anything wrong with that and acted like it was all a big joke that we should find amusing. This is not her first fake overdose, the first time I can remember her doing this, I was in fifth grade. It is scary, no matter how many times we go through it. I think...is this the time it's going to be real?
Her husband (to be clear, this is her 8th marriage) just divorced her because he could not take it any more. She refuses to help herself and really seems to enjoy the attention she gets as an "invalid." She's moved into a new house (that hubby is going to pay for, but for only one year only as part of the divorce settlement), she has no job and no intentions of getting one, and says she is applying for disability (I'm a lawyer and doubt she will get approved for SS disability). I went down to help her move and she had stolen a bunch of the ex-husband's stuff, which we had to return to him to avoid him pressing charges (what a mess). I spent nearly $1000 to get her groceries, a vacuum cleaner, a bed, etc. while I was there to help her move, as well as 3 TVs she insisted she had to have, and which my family members guilted me into buying her (poor mom, yada yada yada). In the meantime, her friends who live nearby have called me and demanded that:
1. they need me to come down there at least once a month to stay with my mom and "be there for her." AND
2. I need to be financially supporting my mom (even though her hubby is paying for her house and car and insurance and prescriptions, she only has to pay utilities, and she is getting $1300 a month in alimony).
I do not want to support my mother financially. It's a long story, but this is a woman who has (in the past) stolen my identity and my credit, she cleaned out my bank accounts at one point (by posing as me), among many, many other things. Also, she has literally has spent her entire life expecting other people to take care of her. I really don't want to enable that behavior by feeding it.
On the other hand, I know that she is an addict and I don't want to leave her in the cold or leave my sisters to handle this mess alone. I am mad at her for doing this to herself, and at her doctors for enabling it with the prescriptions, but I have no way to talk to them (she's repeatedly said I could come to an appointment with her to talk to her docs but then she does not actually follow through and allow me to do so). I assume in a year, when hubby stops paying for everything and no more alimony, she will lose her house and end up needing a place to stay, and I am not willing to take her in (the two-pack-a-day habit around my asthmatic son will NOT fly in my house, and I'm not exposing him to her craziness...nor am I willing to risk my marriage by bringing her nightmare into my house).
Am I wrong for essentially cutting her off, being there for emotional support but not offering financial support or living space?
I am emotionally wrecked because her friends have made me feel guilty for taking this stance, but I also don't know how to handle her addiction and her path into destruction.
Thanks in advance for reading this marathon-long post.
OldestOfThree
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am sorry to be so blunt, but H### no.. you are not responsible for someone who is choosing to kill herself with drugs/drinking/and smoke!
I hate it when someone like your mom just does everything harmful to her body and then expects others to pity her. My mom was similar... but none of us had financial ability to support her. So she used anyone she could, playing on others sympathy, acting so pitiful. You would be amazed at how some people can be played.
I hope you will set your boundaries, and stick with them. Its not your job, and you are right to want to protect your family from her toxicity.
I am sorry as I know how awful this must be for your family. sounds like your mom needs some mental help as well.
I hate it when someone like your mom just does everything harmful to her body and then expects others to pity her. My mom was similar... but none of us had financial ability to support her. So she used anyone she could, playing on others sympathy, acting so pitiful. You would be amazed at how some people can be played.
I hope you will set your boundaries, and stick with them. Its not your job, and you are right to want to protect your family from her toxicity.
I am sorry as I know how awful this must be for your family. sounds like your mom needs some mental help as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for the response. In a weird way its comforting to know others have "been there." You are so right...she is an expert at "playing" people and getting sympathy, and she's done it to me for so many years, but I'm finally getting some backbone (and finally seeing her for what she is). I struggle with how to set boundaries, my gut instinct is actually to cut off contact completely but I feel guilty doing that to my sisters.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
You know, your sisters may wise up pretty quickly as well. Your mom will have to do something for herself, and maybe get a better life in the deal.
I know the guilt. It just seems wrong to not help your parent-but she is probably counting on everyone to feel that way.. she needs a dose of reality, or she may never change. I am sorry. I know its hurtful.
I know the guilt. It just seems wrong to not help your parent-but she is probably counting on everyone to feel that way.. she needs a dose of reality, or she may never change. I am sorry. I know its hurtful.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
WOW! This story sounds way to similar to mine. (I just posed a few threads below about my mother.) I know and feel your pain. It is excruciating.
They (the moms) can be so manipulating in getting what they want from: you, friends, family, doctors. They play the card well.
Setting boundaries are critical. It "sets the tone" and sets expectations for all. I also think that it is a small step in getting this person help. I told my mom I did not want her drinking in my house or around my kids and she has done a very good job with that. Once that was established, I could start working on other things.
Good luck with this and stay strong!
They (the moms) can be so manipulating in getting what they want from: you, friends, family, doctors. They play the card well.
Setting boundaries are critical. It "sets the tone" and sets expectations for all. I also think that it is a small step in getting this person help. I told my mom I did not want her drinking in my house or around my kids and she has done a very good job with that. Once that was established, I could start working on other things.
Good luck with this and stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I have only one suggestion......say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean.
We all have the right to have boundaries that protect us from the manipulations and antics of others. The enabling activities around your mother will keep her doing exactly what she is doing....and you don't have to play if you don't want to. People do what works. When it stops working, they will either escalate behavior or knock it off.
Anytime someone ( mother, sister, mother's ex, neighbors, etc) use Fear, Obligation, or Guilt to get a person to do something (great acronym...F.O.G.)...it can fog thinking. That is why it is so critically important to state boundaries clearly, don't back down when a boundary is being crossed, and be polite but firm. No with a period behind it is a complete sentence. Contrary to popular belief, there is no reason to justify "no".
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Take care of you!
We all have the right to have boundaries that protect us from the manipulations and antics of others. The enabling activities around your mother will keep her doing exactly what she is doing....and you don't have to play if you don't want to. People do what works. When it stops working, they will either escalate behavior or knock it off.
Anytime someone ( mother, sister, mother's ex, neighbors, etc) use Fear, Obligation, or Guilt to get a person to do something (great acronym...F.O.G.)...it can fog thinking. That is why it is so critically important to state boundaries clearly, don't back down when a boundary is being crossed, and be polite but firm. No with a period behind it is a complete sentence. Contrary to popular belief, there is no reason to justify "no".
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Take care of you!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Yes, I'm sorry to say that your story is not unfamiliar to many members here. It is perfectly OK for you to take care of yourself and let your mother learn that she has to take care of herself...it would seem she is capable but unwilling? Please know that you do not have to sacrifice your life, and your happiness, to someone else's addiction.
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