To the Relatives Who Have Relocated to Get Away From the Constant Drama/Problems
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 37
You are exactly right. I did give for many years. And I regret it. Unfortunately, I was alone as my ex-husband was not able to help me in any way in the situation.
There were times when my son scared me. And, I did not understand addiction. I have tried to learn as much as I can and take care of myself and love him from afar. I no longer "give" and he knows that.
Like others, just letting him figure it out. And learning to love him in a different way.
There were times when my son scared me. And, I did not understand addiction. I have tried to learn as much as I can and take care of myself and love him from afar. I no longer "give" and he knows that.
Like others, just letting him figure it out. And learning to love him in a different way.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Good evening, seek!
I know that you really have tried every way you can to detach from your grandson's addict drama. And you are right, acceptance is one of the real paths to finally finding happiness whether the addicts in our lives are using or not.
Perhaps some practical ideas would come to you if you thought about your grandson with the compassion you might feel if you saw a stranger struggling. Resource phone numbers and even maps might be a good idea. Small bags with non-perishable food items and water. Gloves, scarf and socks if the weather turns cold.
Resources could include Rehabs, recovery meeting locations of whatever sort you have in your town, places that provide temporary or even semi-permanent living quarters for transitional or homeless people, a local place that perhaps offers showers and laundry facilities for free.
We have purchased my stepson bus passes in the past so that he could get around as he needed.
I know that you really have tried every way you can to detach from your grandson's addict drama. And you are right, acceptance is one of the real paths to finally finding happiness whether the addicts in our lives are using or not.
Perhaps some practical ideas would come to you if you thought about your grandson with the compassion you might feel if you saw a stranger struggling. Resource phone numbers and even maps might be a good idea. Small bags with non-perishable food items and water. Gloves, scarf and socks if the weather turns cold.
Resources could include Rehabs, recovery meeting locations of whatever sort you have in your town, places that provide temporary or even semi-permanent living quarters for transitional or homeless people, a local place that perhaps offers showers and laundry facilities for free.
We have purchased my stepson bus passes in the past so that he could get around as he needed.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Seren - Yes, the practical ideas are helpful. I want to prepare myself as much as is humanly possible - the emotional work is the hardest.
I have done a lot of work on myself and there is always more to do.
I have done a lot of work on myself and there is always more to do.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
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With Uber - you still have to have a way to pay them. I just want to be able to provide a ride to the hospital without getting myself involved. It is too easy for me to get sucked in. Some of it is because I took care of him as a child and that is a role that is easy for me to assume - especially when he is "sick."
The last time I took him in (just recently), he was walking around my neighborhood drunk . . . I picked him up in my car and brought him home and he did not speak that night or the next day until he said he needed to go to the hospital and then I took him to the hospital. He has detoxed several times. He (and the hospital personnel) told me how dangerous alcohol withdrawal is, so I can't see leaving him to die on the street! I would not leave a stranger to die on the street, much less him - that is the hook and I am never prepared because how can you live preparing for such dysfunction?
The last time I took him in (just recently), he was walking around my neighborhood drunk . . . I picked him up in my car and brought him home and he did not speak that night or the next day until he said he needed to go to the hospital and then I took him to the hospital. He has detoxed several times. He (and the hospital personnel) told me how dangerous alcohol withdrawal is, so I can't see leaving him to die on the street! I would not leave a stranger to die on the street, much less him - that is the hook and I am never prepared because how can you live preparing for such dysfunction?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
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Ok. I just installed Uber on my phone. I think you can call them to pick someone up for you - and maybe I would just tell the person to take him to the hospital and then come back and I would pay them - not sure.
I have to develop a new mindset - think of my relative as "the enemy," basically, and figure out a way to "outsmart" him - in the sense that I have to try to prepare different strategies - as one would do in war.
It's kind of ridiculous, but seems necessary to have to go to such lengths.
It's hard because I am too emotionally soft and vulnerable.
I am a nurturer - that's what I like to do and I am good at it.
Sucks.
I have to develop a new mindset - think of my relative as "the enemy," basically, and figure out a way to "outsmart" him - in the sense that I have to try to prepare different strategies - as one would do in war.
It's kind of ridiculous, but seems necessary to have to go to such lengths.
It's hard because I am too emotionally soft and vulnerable.
I am a nurturer - that's what I like to do and I am good at it.
Sucks.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Seek, My Mom (God rest her soul) was the chief cook and bottle washer in "saving JJ" from April of 2010 until she passed away from cancer in February 2012. We were desperate after the very first time JJ ever got caught doing heroin, and after one relapse we sent him "EAST" to live with my mother.
Sadly, he took severe advantage of her kindness and continued to use, never got a job and lied like the best of them. I brought JJ back home in October of 2010 because I could get him a job. Even then, he kept Grandma active, depositing money in his account and buying him a car and giving him $2,000.00 to move out of our house in January 2011. Fast forward 2 months, JJ in 5150, comes to live with us again and starts his stealing of my entire collection of jewelry and our gold.
Fast forward again: Jail, rehab, get out of rehab in Feb 2012. Mom passes away 6 days after he gets out.
All I know is my mother loved my son more than life itself, but the enabling and the support didnt go one bit of good.
PLEASE find a way to remove yourself from being a victim.
I now start every answer with "no" and then let that sit with JJ.
Its taken me 5 years to get here!
Sadly, he took severe advantage of her kindness and continued to use, never got a job and lied like the best of them. I brought JJ back home in October of 2010 because I could get him a job. Even then, he kept Grandma active, depositing money in his account and buying him a car and giving him $2,000.00 to move out of our house in January 2011. Fast forward 2 months, JJ in 5150, comes to live with us again and starts his stealing of my entire collection of jewelry and our gold.
Fast forward again: Jail, rehab, get out of rehab in Feb 2012. Mom passes away 6 days after he gets out.
All I know is my mother loved my son more than life itself, but the enabling and the support didnt go one bit of good.
PLEASE find a way to remove yourself from being a victim.
I now start every answer with "no" and then let that sit with JJ.
Its taken me 5 years to get here!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
I may be one of the people you are referring to regarding moving away in the other thread. But I think it's important to understand the context of my reasoning.
I am pursuing a dream that I have shared with my dear husband for several years. I did not move to get away from the drama--that is a nice side benefit however. The reason that this is important is because, just like the addict/alcoholic, there really isn't a geographical cure for family members either. If we move away because of them, it leaves the opportunity to be resentful if we are unable to adjust to our new location. I had a lot of work to do on me before making this move.
I had to learn how to deal with my son's issues. I had to learn to say no. I had to learn how to be happy regardless of the current status of my son. I had to learn how to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" when he threw insults and walk away. I had to learn how to state my boundaries clearly without being mean about it. I had to learn how to say "You do have resources and I am not your best option". I had to learn to take accountability for my own behaviors (which eventually had become as dysfunctional and sick as his). I had to learn how to change me. I had to learn to live in today and stop obsessing about the past or what I might have done wrong as a mother or obsessing about the future or if he might wind up dead. I had to learn to say "I love you" and let him go. I had to learn to laugh at myself and embrace my imperfections (of which there are many).
All of those things had to happen before I was able to move to another country to pursue the dream that Mr. KE and I had shared for a long time. I had to make sure I knew how to be happy where I was and to make sure that I was not moving to try to find happiness. I had to fully comprehend that my help has never really helped and doing the same thing over and over and over again was a symptom of my own warped thinking. I had to understand that my son does have options but he doesn't "like" them....and why should he if I was always there providing a more palatable option for him. I am confident that my son knows what his options are and if things become too dire, he knows where he can find appropriate help.
We have been gone for the better part of eight months. My son is able to text me but I would block him in a heartbeat if he became abusive. He has not. Our relationship has actually improved--perhaps it's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder . My husband and I are enjoying our time as a couple without children, work, or the addiction of my son coming between us.
I've already experienced one of those dreadful moments when someone I love dearly is dead in the blink of an eye.....that phone call that starts out with "there has been an accident". I don't want to dwell on the sorrows of tomorrow.....I want to live my life to the best of my ability today. I don't want to dwell on the what ifs or if onlys......I have reached a state of acceptance that I never thought I would......I accept that I have absolutely no control over another human being. And I can wish until I'm blue in the face and it isn't going to make a tinkers damn. But I can still hope....and I do.
Today I am living a quiet life.....loving....living....and experiencing the joy of simple moments......in a far away place. The drama is going to happen whether I am there or here.....but I no longer have a front row seat.
I don't have a crystal ball to tell the future and, of course, time will reveal more....it always does. So I will be patient and allow time to happen.....and I will enjoy these peaceful moments while I can. I will let my son live his life to the best of his ability and find comfort believing that he is in God's hands.
I hope that provides some answers for you. If you have specific questions, please feel free to ask. This was a choice that my husband and I made for ourselves....it's not for everyone. But I'm happy to share my experience....and if it helps someone else....that's great......if not....that's ok too.
I am pursuing a dream that I have shared with my dear husband for several years. I did not move to get away from the drama--that is a nice side benefit however. The reason that this is important is because, just like the addict/alcoholic, there really isn't a geographical cure for family members either. If we move away because of them, it leaves the opportunity to be resentful if we are unable to adjust to our new location. I had a lot of work to do on me before making this move.
I had to learn how to deal with my son's issues. I had to learn to say no. I had to learn how to be happy regardless of the current status of my son. I had to learn how to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" when he threw insults and walk away. I had to learn how to state my boundaries clearly without being mean about it. I had to learn how to say "You do have resources and I am not your best option". I had to learn to take accountability for my own behaviors (which eventually had become as dysfunctional and sick as his). I had to learn how to change me. I had to learn to live in today and stop obsessing about the past or what I might have done wrong as a mother or obsessing about the future or if he might wind up dead. I had to learn to say "I love you" and let him go. I had to learn to laugh at myself and embrace my imperfections (of which there are many).
All of those things had to happen before I was able to move to another country to pursue the dream that Mr. KE and I had shared for a long time. I had to make sure I knew how to be happy where I was and to make sure that I was not moving to try to find happiness. I had to fully comprehend that my help has never really helped and doing the same thing over and over and over again was a symptom of my own warped thinking. I had to understand that my son does have options but he doesn't "like" them....and why should he if I was always there providing a more palatable option for him. I am confident that my son knows what his options are and if things become too dire, he knows where he can find appropriate help.
We have been gone for the better part of eight months. My son is able to text me but I would block him in a heartbeat if he became abusive. He has not. Our relationship has actually improved--perhaps it's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder . My husband and I are enjoying our time as a couple without children, work, or the addiction of my son coming between us.
I've already experienced one of those dreadful moments when someone I love dearly is dead in the blink of an eye.....that phone call that starts out with "there has been an accident". I don't want to dwell on the sorrows of tomorrow.....I want to live my life to the best of my ability today. I don't want to dwell on the what ifs or if onlys......I have reached a state of acceptance that I never thought I would......I accept that I have absolutely no control over another human being. And I can wish until I'm blue in the face and it isn't going to make a tinkers damn. But I can still hope....and I do.
Today I am living a quiet life.....loving....living....and experiencing the joy of simple moments......in a far away place. The drama is going to happen whether I am there or here.....but I no longer have a front row seat.
I don't have a crystal ball to tell the future and, of course, time will reveal more....it always does. So I will be patient and allow time to happen.....and I will enjoy these peaceful moments while I can. I will let my son live his life to the best of his ability and find comfort believing that he is in God's hands.
I hope that provides some answers for you. If you have specific questions, please feel free to ask. This was a choice that my husband and I made for ourselves....it's not for everyone. But I'm happy to share my experience....and if it helps someone else....that's great......if not....that's ok too.
This is one of the best posts I have ever read on SR, thank you for such eloquent words!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
JJ's Mom - Sorry about your mom.
My relative has never lived with me. He lives in a Sober Living Facility.
I'm actually doing very well, considering what just happened and I am strategizing to prepare myself for future developments.
I feel good (not anxious), which is a vast improvement.
I am sure you and your family all did what you thought was best at the time. In the end, it is up to the alcoholic/addict to find their recovery if they are going to do it.
My relative has never lived with me. He lives in a Sober Living Facility.
I'm actually doing very well, considering what just happened and I am strategizing to prepare myself for future developments.
I feel good (not anxious), which is a vast improvement.
I am sure you and your family all did what you thought was best at the time. In the end, it is up to the alcoholic/addict to find their recovery if they are going to do it.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
One of the first boundaries I set was not letting my son in my home when he was drinking. Our homes should be a place of peace and safety. I got suckered in last year because the kids were going to be homeless, but other than that it worked really well for me. If he showed up at my door drunk and caused problems I would call the police. He would pull the suicide card and I would have him put on a 3 day hold. If he did any property damage I would have him arrested. He stopped showing up at my house drunk and stopped threatening suicide.
The second boundary I set was hanging up on him when he called drunk and just wanted to blame me for everything. I would ask him if he wanted to get help. If he said no the conversation was over. He eventually stopped all that manipulation because it didn't work for him anymore.
Eventually I taught him to call 911 when he needed help.
If you can't turn your grandson away at 11:00pm when he knocks on the door you could call 911 and have them take him to the hospital or drive him to the ER and leave him there to get help. They will feed him and give him the detox meds. The social workers at the hospital will give him resources. If they call and ask you if you can pick him up you can say no and they will work on another solution. It will be up to your grandson to comply.
None of the changes you make will feel good or be comfortable. It is really hard to set boundaries.
The second boundary I set was hanging up on him when he called drunk and just wanted to blame me for everything. I would ask him if he wanted to get help. If he said no the conversation was over. He eventually stopped all that manipulation because it didn't work for him anymore.
Eventually I taught him to call 911 when he needed help.
If you can't turn your grandson away at 11:00pm when he knocks on the door you could call 911 and have them take him to the hospital or drive him to the ER and leave him there to get help. They will feed him and give him the detox meds. The social workers at the hospital will give him resources. If they call and ask you if you can pick him up you can say no and they will work on another solution. It will be up to your grandson to comply.
None of the changes you make will feel good or be comfortable. It is really hard to set boundaries.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Thanks Morning Glory. I have another very close relative who is also alcoholic, and I have COMPLETELY detached from her drama. They take her to jail - no biggie for me - she threatens suicide and goes to the hospital - not a blink on my radar - but this one still has my heartstrings.
I had a boundary around not coming in my house drunk and let him cross it twice because of his desire to detox.
During the detox process, he does threaten suicide but then freaks out when I say I am going to call 911 and have a 5150 placed on him. He calms down and then the entire cycle starts again. Part of me is just really resistant to comprehending that anyone would want to live in such perpetual drama and dysfunction. I keep "believing" that he wants to get better - that is the hook for me.
Thankfully I have therapy today.
In my mind I think it would be easier for me if I had some family support - but I have none. If he shows up on my doorstep, there is NO ONE IN THE FAMILY who will offer ME any support (because they don't want to be bothered - I "get" it - it is stressful - but still, I have a very disloyal "family" and that does hurt).
I had a boundary around not coming in my house drunk and let him cross it twice because of his desire to detox.
During the detox process, he does threaten suicide but then freaks out when I say I am going to call 911 and have a 5150 placed on him. He calms down and then the entire cycle starts again. Part of me is just really resistant to comprehending that anyone would want to live in such perpetual drama and dysfunction. I keep "believing" that he wants to get better - that is the hook for me.
Thankfully I have therapy today.
In my mind I think it would be easier for me if I had some family support - but I have none. If he shows up on my doorstep, there is NO ONE IN THE FAMILY who will offer ME any support (because they don't want to be bothered - I "get" it - it is stressful - but still, I have a very disloyal "family" and that does hurt).
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During the detox process he has "psychotic episodes" if his meds wear off and during those times, he jumps up and threatens to run away. When I say he is a "danger to himself" and I will call 911, he says he will hide and no one will be able to find him. I have not called 911 yet.
If he shows up on my doorstep if I call 911, he will run away. In that case, would I just tell the police his ID info and let them take care of it? He is on probation.
If he shows up on my doorstep if I call 911, he will run away. In that case, would I just tell the police his ID info and let them take care of it? He is on probation.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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I know it's hard. I didn't do any of it without crying and worrying.
My son ran off once and threatened to run in front of the train a few blocks away. Another time he overdosed on medication and was hiding from the police. I had to tell the police to back away so he would come out. I waited until he passed out and called them back and had him 5150'd.
He overdosed on one of my medications once and shaved half his head and was delirious. I 5150'd him again.
I could go on and on. I was also all alone without family support.
We don't have what they need even when they seem to want help.
We can't do it. They need their own treatment and support. Detoxing is just the first step in that process.
If your grandson ends up in the ER again you could let the staff know that your grandson gets suicidal during detox and has behavior that may need psychiatric help and then go home. Just start by making your home a place of safety for you.
My son ran off once and threatened to run in front of the train a few blocks away. Another time he overdosed on medication and was hiding from the police. I had to tell the police to back away so he would come out. I waited until he passed out and called them back and had him 5150'd.
He overdosed on one of my medications once and shaved half his head and was delirious. I 5150'd him again.
I could go on and on. I was also all alone without family support.
We don't have what they need even when they seem to want help.
We can't do it. They need their own treatment and support. Detoxing is just the first step in that process.
If your grandson ends up in the ER again you could let the staff know that your grandson gets suicidal during detox and has behavior that may need psychiatric help and then go home. Just start by making your home a place of safety for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
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I would love to just have the support, in realtime, of someone who knows how crazy this stuff is - and no, Alanon is not a good fit for me - I prefer to live in "the solution," and focus on the positive, although I could use a friend to have coffee with who might really "get" the craziness of it all. Thank goodness for my therapist.
I try to view things from a meta perspective - to see the bigger picture - what life is presenting to me and what I have learned.
This past experience was enlightening . . . I learned that a lot of my wounding has been healed. I did not experience any anxiety over the days I had him in my home, even when he was having psychotic episodes (except for one time when I was just too tired).
I also received prophetic dreams informing me of the upcoming relapse. I had one dream 2 days before the relapse, and one dream one day after the relapse (when I still did not consciously know that it had happened). I also woke up on two mornings with intense headaches - and I don't get headaches - all of this was to prepare me for what was coming.
I am trying to take it all to a higher level.
I try to view things from a meta perspective - to see the bigger picture - what life is presenting to me and what I have learned.
This past experience was enlightening . . . I learned that a lot of my wounding has been healed. I did not experience any anxiety over the days I had him in my home, even when he was having psychotic episodes (except for one time when I was just too tired).
I also received prophetic dreams informing me of the upcoming relapse. I had one dream 2 days before the relapse, and one dream one day after the relapse (when I still did not consciously know that it had happened). I also woke up on two mornings with intense headaches - and I don't get headaches - all of this was to prepare me for what was coming.
I am trying to take it all to a higher level.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: North Ridgeville
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It seems you have far more hope than I. You help him because you hope he will get better or you hope this will be the last time. You still have hope, correct? I have none. After far to many years, I cut ties. I live about 1.5 hours from "home" but it's far enough that I'm not involved in the day-to-day drama from having an addicted sibling and an enabling (not helpful to the addict at all) mother and grandfather. I was allowing them to hold me back so for MY personal well-being, I cut the ties... I put up the wall. I have to look out for ME because no one else is going to do it... right? I don't really have any regrets, although I sometimes am angry and hurt by what damage was done to our family dynamics by the addicted sibling, I don't regret my decision. You have to do what's right and/or best for YOU. I truly wish you nothing but the best. -S.
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I moved approximately 4 hours away from my family 15 years ago for two reasons. One was to get myself away from all the temptations (places, people) that would trigger me to indulge in my own substance abuse. The other was to enforce boundaries as I had been putting so much time and energy into taking care of my family (my alcoholic, disorganized father; my mother's estate as she had just died; my "out of control" brother who was acting out as a result of our dad's and his mom's (2nd wife) divorce). I had no resources left to take care of myself while in the vicinity and moving was necessary. Even after that, about eight years ago, I would drive 4+ hours every other weekend to where my B was in college, helping him (though I was not familiar enough yet with his substance problem as a root issue); then five years ago, I would drive 11 hours to where my B was in Virginia; now I struggle with driving the 4 hours to where he is in NJ. It helps a lot to have the distance, because I cannot just be there within minutes in an emergency, but I'm still finding myself drawn to go there when I can. So, in short, the distance helps but is not a panacea.
Also, the distance now results in my family's attempts to guilt trip me when I say I cannot be there. That's easier to deal with than being constantly "on call" because of close location.
Also, the distance now results in my family's attempts to guilt trip me when I say I cannot be there. That's easier to deal with than being constantly "on call" because of close location.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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i once read that when we love an addict there are two means of contact/communication at all times.
we are either HELPING them or ENABLING them...at all times no in between. how do we know if we are helping? if the addict shows up at our house begging for a ride to treatment....or asks to be sent to the hospital for detox....or needs help talking to their parents about a recovery program etc is the only time we could possibly be helping. that is, if they want help for their recovery.
this site said that we will know if we are helping because the addict is asking about recovery
enabling is everything else...looking for a place to sleep for the week until they "get back on their feet" is enabling by soaking up their consequences and bad behavior, picking them up etc
i spent so long thinking i was helping the user in my life by giving them love and support when the whole time they were just using my love and support for their addictive advantage.
seriously ask "okay in this moment is it helping or enabling?" and maybe this can help you.
i know its tricky because of all the lies and manipulation....best of luck. i'm thinking of you
we are either HELPING them or ENABLING them...at all times no in between. how do we know if we are helping? if the addict shows up at our house begging for a ride to treatment....or asks to be sent to the hospital for detox....or needs help talking to their parents about a recovery program etc is the only time we could possibly be helping. that is, if they want help for their recovery.
this site said that we will know if we are helping because the addict is asking about recovery
enabling is everything else...looking for a place to sleep for the week until they "get back on their feet" is enabling by soaking up their consequences and bad behavior, picking them up etc
i spent so long thinking i was helping the user in my life by giving them love and support when the whole time they were just using my love and support for their addictive advantage.
seriously ask "okay in this moment is it helping or enabling?" and maybe this can help you.
i know its tricky because of all the lies and manipulation....best of luck. i'm thinking of you
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