My mom needs HELP!
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
My mom needs HELP!
Newcomer to this site and looking for advice, answers, support, and hope. My situation is getting very tough for me personally to deal with.
My mother is single and lives in another state. Our relationship when I was younger was not very good, but it had grown in the last 7 years. I was really happy with where we were going in our mother/son relationship. Even though I wasn't happy with her drinking, she was still working very hard to repair our relationship. And when I say drinking, she can easily drink a liter of vodka a day and I have seen her drink almost an entire 1.75 bottle. This has probably been going on for 10 years now. 2 years ago she tragically lost her husband to a suicide. He was also an alcoholic. He treated her like a queen!
But something is going very wrong in the last month and she is not answering calls, calling back, and only sends very brief texts.
She is an alcoholic for sure. Probably dependent on it, and I am thinking that there may be something else in the mix now as well (recreational/prescription drugs).
Her health is poor. She is terribly depressed. She has lost a majority of her hair, has retained fluid in her lower legs, has what looks like jaundice, and shakes terribly, even though she still drinks and says she won't stop because it is the only thing that will help her "back pain." She tells me she has sciatica and has bulging discs in her back. She has had health issues in the last 5 years that have required hospitalization. And within the last month, she has been in the hospital four times for what she and her neighbors say is terrible pain (blood curtling screams). The last time she was in the hospital, she was in for 4 days and was on morphine the whole time. She says that it was doing nothing for her and she literally discharged herself from the hospital. One of the times she was in within the last month they had to give her Fetanyl.
She has not been back to work and I don't know that she will go back. Her neighbors (wonderful people) had to run her toilet paper within the last month and they said she is living in filth. There is booze bottles, cigerettes, and Fetanyl patches laying around. She has two dogs, there is fur everywhere and I guess they have started to go to the bathroom inside of the house. They also said there is mouse dropping everywhere. And she is ok living in it.
She tells me very little about anything, but her neighbors tell me a lot. Very strange people who they have never seen around the house, coming and going. I have had the very nice approach in asking and telling her to get help. I have also had some very difficult conversations as well. I have offered her help in every way possible: move close to us, will help move out of your current house, will take you to DR. appointments, basically whatever it takes. She has been very clear in telling her neighbors that she does not want me out to see her (either announced or unannounced).
I worry about her health mentally and physically. I can only guess as to what is wrong (depression, cirrohsis,). And she may not even know, if she does not let DR's help her. How do I approach this? What do I do next? I had a friend tell me to call social services, but I am not sure if I want to take that step in fear of losing her for good. What can I expect in the future with her health issues?
My mother is single and lives in another state. Our relationship when I was younger was not very good, but it had grown in the last 7 years. I was really happy with where we were going in our mother/son relationship. Even though I wasn't happy with her drinking, she was still working very hard to repair our relationship. And when I say drinking, she can easily drink a liter of vodka a day and I have seen her drink almost an entire 1.75 bottle. This has probably been going on for 10 years now. 2 years ago she tragically lost her husband to a suicide. He was also an alcoholic. He treated her like a queen!
But something is going very wrong in the last month and she is not answering calls, calling back, and only sends very brief texts.
She is an alcoholic for sure. Probably dependent on it, and I am thinking that there may be something else in the mix now as well (recreational/prescription drugs).
Her health is poor. She is terribly depressed. She has lost a majority of her hair, has retained fluid in her lower legs, has what looks like jaundice, and shakes terribly, even though she still drinks and says she won't stop because it is the only thing that will help her "back pain." She tells me she has sciatica and has bulging discs in her back. She has had health issues in the last 5 years that have required hospitalization. And within the last month, she has been in the hospital four times for what she and her neighbors say is terrible pain (blood curtling screams). The last time she was in the hospital, she was in for 4 days and was on morphine the whole time. She says that it was doing nothing for her and she literally discharged herself from the hospital. One of the times she was in within the last month they had to give her Fetanyl.
She has not been back to work and I don't know that she will go back. Her neighbors (wonderful people) had to run her toilet paper within the last month and they said she is living in filth. There is booze bottles, cigerettes, and Fetanyl patches laying around. She has two dogs, there is fur everywhere and I guess they have started to go to the bathroom inside of the house. They also said there is mouse dropping everywhere. And she is ok living in it.
She tells me very little about anything, but her neighbors tell me a lot. Very strange people who they have never seen around the house, coming and going. I have had the very nice approach in asking and telling her to get help. I have also had some very difficult conversations as well. I have offered her help in every way possible: move close to us, will help move out of your current house, will take you to DR. appointments, basically whatever it takes. She has been very clear in telling her neighbors that she does not want me out to see her (either announced or unannounced).
I worry about her health mentally and physically. I can only guess as to what is wrong (depression, cirrohsis,). And she may not even know, if she does not let DR's help her. How do I approach this? What do I do next? I had a friend tell me to call social services, but I am not sure if I want to take that step in fear of losing her for good. What can I expect in the future with her health issues?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by FBCoach56 
I had a friend tell me to call social services, but I am not sure if I want to take that step in fear of losing her for good. What can I expect in the future with her health issues?
No one can force your mom to get help, but sometimes I think people get so far gone, they truly lose touch with reality. Your fear reminds me of mine when considering whether or not to contact social services with regards to my granddaughter. I was very afraid of losing my son and alienating him, therefore losing my contact with my granddaughter. But in the end, I was more afraid of doing nothing.....and having to live with that if something happened to my innocent granddaughter because I was paralyzed with fear of what "might happen".
I know we can't change them, and shouldn't enable them either, but I think sometimes folks get so far gone, we need to do what we can to get them into treatment, or at least draw attention somehow to someone that may be able to help. That being said, it's ultimately up to the addict as to whether or not they embrace the help and stay clean, but I'm a firm believer that sometimes the approach is "whatever it takes" to get them started....there's no guarantees for sure, but for me personally, I had to be able to live with whatever decision I made on whether to act or not to act.....
I am so sorry you are going through this. HUGS! Keep posting!
WWD
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Welcome FBCoach
I'm really sorry your mom is in such a bad place.
I think my advice would be to call Adult Protective Services in her state.
They cannot tell her who called so she probably won't think it was you.
They might not be able to do anything against your mom's wishes unless they can establish that she is a danger to herself, but maybe they can get her some help.
They may also be able to give you some suggestions. Is your Mom on Medicaid? We have free services here that are paid by Medicaid for home care.
I'm really sorry your mom is in such a bad place.
I think my advice would be to call Adult Protective Services in her state.
They cannot tell her who called so she probably won't think it was you.
They might not be able to do anything against your mom's wishes unless they can establish that she is a danger to herself, but maybe they can get her some help.
They may also be able to give you some suggestions. Is your Mom on Medicaid? We have free services here that are paid by Medicaid for home care.
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 608
My prayers are with you man. It is terrible. I think at this point you NEED to get outside resources involved. Are there any other family members? Does she have a higher power? Therapy for dealing with the suicide is a MUST.
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
Hello all
Thank you for your reply and advice. She is not close to ANY family. Has some brothers but they are not close. I am her only child.
Talked to her today and her pain is back. I think this will continue to be a cycle of hospital visits. I personally think she is doctor shopping. She said she is looking up specialists online. Insurance said that they could get her to see someone in November but she wasn't having it. Now has to wait until July. But this will be same cycle. Will not follow through or will only get pain meds at hospital. I told her I wanted to come visit soon. She was somewhat open to it
Thank you for your reply and advice. She is not close to ANY family. Has some brothers but they are not close. I am her only child.
Talked to her today and her pain is back. I think this will continue to be a cycle of hospital visits. I personally think she is doctor shopping. She said she is looking up specialists online. Insurance said that they could get her to see someone in November but she wasn't having it. Now has to wait until July. But this will be same cycle. Will not follow through or will only get pain meds at hospital. I told her I wanted to come visit soon. She was somewhat open to it
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Join Date: May 2015
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I hope God grants you patience and hope in this situation. It is good to know she was somewhat open to a visit. At the end of the day we all want to be loved and connected to other human beings (the longing for this may outweigh the disease). I feel that you are doing as much as you can right now in reaching out for help. Keep us updated and stay strong!
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
Hello all
My mom was back in the hospital last week. I received a call from her neighbor saying that the EMS on scene were "looking for next of kin information." right away I feared the worst. Turns out, she was so inebriated that she was passing out, waking up, screaming in confusion as to why people were in her house, and repeating the process a few times. Once she came too, she was refusing to tell her name or give any kind of medical information. She was in so much pain, which the EMS says is due to a swollen liver or cirrhosis.
The EMS knew her name anyway since they have been to her house 4 times since May.
Once admitted to hospital (Tuesday), they wanted to keep her for a while. She ended up walking out against DR orders on Thursday. Even though she was in pain still and vomiting without being able to hold down even ice chunks. Mom says the DR's diagnosed her with chronic pancreatitis as well. I ask her why she doesn't let the nurses and DR help her and she says no one knows what they are doing... blah blah blah....
I am going out to visit her (Sunday-Wednesday). Which is a BIG step for her since she never wanted me out to her house before. She says she wants help cleaning out her house. Getting rid of things and hoping to move back to where we live. I am extremely nervous of what I am getting myself into. I have heard of the conditions she is living in and it is not good.
She won't stop drinking no matter what and refuses DR care. I believe she has lost her will to live which are her wishes. There is always the part of me that holds out hope that says things will turn around, but also a part of me that says she will drink herself to death. if those are her wishes, how do i communicate to her that the DR's can help her be a bit more comfortable with her pain and appetite, instead of so miserable and severely depressed?
My mom was back in the hospital last week. I received a call from her neighbor saying that the EMS on scene were "looking for next of kin information." right away I feared the worst. Turns out, she was so inebriated that she was passing out, waking up, screaming in confusion as to why people were in her house, and repeating the process a few times. Once she came too, she was refusing to tell her name or give any kind of medical information. She was in so much pain, which the EMS says is due to a swollen liver or cirrhosis.
The EMS knew her name anyway since they have been to her house 4 times since May.
Once admitted to hospital (Tuesday), they wanted to keep her for a while. She ended up walking out against DR orders on Thursday. Even though she was in pain still and vomiting without being able to hold down even ice chunks. Mom says the DR's diagnosed her with chronic pancreatitis as well. I ask her why she doesn't let the nurses and DR help her and she says no one knows what they are doing... blah blah blah....
I am going out to visit her (Sunday-Wednesday). Which is a BIG step for her since she never wanted me out to her house before. She says she wants help cleaning out her house. Getting rid of things and hoping to move back to where we live. I am extremely nervous of what I am getting myself into. I have heard of the conditions she is living in and it is not good.
She won't stop drinking no matter what and refuses DR care. I believe she has lost her will to live which are her wishes. There is always the part of me that holds out hope that says things will turn around, but also a part of me that says she will drink herself to death. if those are her wishes, how do i communicate to her that the DR's can help her be a bit more comfortable with her pain and appetite, instead of so miserable and severely depressed?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I can't give any opinions on what you should do. It doesn't sound like she is going to be able to go on like this for much longer. I would imagine that she has been given her prognosis by the dr's.
You have to do what is right for you, and fair for you and your family.
You have to do what is right for you, and fair for you and your family.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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FB it sounds like there's a fair degree of dementia mixed with paranoia. Unless you can get medical POA it may be her choice (or compulsion) to drink herself to death. It happens.
There will come a time when she's incapable of making a decision for herself, and you can see that she's given palliative care. Maybe time spent cleaning her house will give you two a chance to talk, and you can get through to her, but her heavy consumption of alcohol will probably stop her seeking help.
Look after yourself, and do what you can.
There will come a time when she's incapable of making a decision for herself, and you can see that she's given palliative care. Maybe time spent cleaning her house will give you two a chance to talk, and you can get through to her, but her heavy consumption of alcohol will probably stop her seeking help.
Look after yourself, and do what you can.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very sorry. I just want to offer support to you.
I know that pancreatitis can be extremely painful, and is being caused by the drinking, as is the cirrhosis I would guess.
Stay strong, and make sure you take time for yourself so you do not get so caught up in the situation that it takes your life over. I would also check into her insurance and if she has any coverage for home health or assistance. The Division of Aging in your town can advise you on some things also.
Keep us updated. Sending prayers for both of you!
I know that pancreatitis can be extremely painful, and is being caused by the drinking, as is the cirrhosis I would guess.
Stay strong, and make sure you take time for yourself so you do not get so caught up in the situation that it takes your life over. I would also check into her insurance and if she has any coverage for home health or assistance. The Division of Aging in your town can advise you on some things also.
Keep us updated. Sending prayers for both of you!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hello,
It is possible she is going to change her mind and get belligerent during your visit. Are you staying in her home or a nearby hotel? It might not be a bad thing to have a place to rest your mind and head that isn't filthy.
Does she have a DNR order? You could set something like this up for her to communicate medical issues in an emergency.
Vial of Life | How it Works ? VialofLife.com
You are walking into a difficult situation. Peace to you FBCoach.
It is possible she is going to change her mind and get belligerent during your visit. Are you staying in her home or a nearby hotel? It might not be a bad thing to have a place to rest your mind and head that isn't filthy.
Does she have a DNR order? You could set something like this up for her to communicate medical issues in an emergency.
Vial of Life | How it Works ? VialofLife.com
You are walking into a difficult situation. Peace to you FBCoach.
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