Lovenjoy

praying for you and your sons...

Twofour

Thanks. My son just cried to me and said he can't believe I thought he would ever kill himself. Words. So many words. God you want to believe. He said he's sorry for ruining my life. I told him show me. Show himself. Fight fight the fight. Your worth it. Oh god. Why can't we as moms make this better. How is there a higher source when all this goes on. So doubtful. Wish I wasn't about faith. Hope. O love this boy I'd die for him today if I thought it would make him stop and have the life he deserves. He's fighting today. Today he is clean. Today is ok. Thank you all for hearing me. ....

Lovenjoy

this is good rosie, he needs to fight for himself and he is. please fight for your self too. what would you suggest to do to a friend? please remember to take care of you.

do you have any inspirational reading you could take a break with?

hang in there lady.

Twofour

I don't really read except about addiction so I need to back off that a little and do something for me I know. Thanks Lovenjoy. I hear you. I have never really had things for me hobbies. I'm a single mom. Manager for a company that is extremely time consuming. I have to learn . My counselor says. What do you do for you. Funny moms don't always answer that the right way. I'm gonna learn. I know I need it for my survival. .

Lovenjoy

any little thing you do just for you is a start. i took baby steps for a long time. self care was a foreign concept to me! a nice mug of hot chocolate? listening to the music you like?

yeah moms have trouble with this. learning to nurture ourselves is important.....

Twofour

So life ever changing. I included my ex husband when my son said he didn't want to live ... He met us at the hospital. got physical with my son but no words. Now he sent me email and wants my son to have a 10 pm curfew. Go to meetings every nite and bring me proof. Go to iop again which he did agree to .....make him drug test every three days. Don't let him have car except for work and meetings. Thoughts? Is there anyone out there that this complete dictatorship worked with their addict? Curious. we are divorced. He barely sees his father. But now wants all kind of input or. Dictation. If not salvation army and he's gonna take him off health coverage and he's dead to him. Wow

Lovenjoy

wow is right. maybe if your son lived with him he could try this - but since he doesn't it appears to me he is telling you what you need to do?! and then threats?! as an ex i don't think so.

you have enough on your hands without his bs imho... i don't think i would even reply...

your house. your boundaries.

sending good thoughts your way, hang in there.

p.s. sorry for the knee jerk reaction. i do think you will need to think through boundaries that you are comfortable with enforcing. the dictator attitude of your ex along with the fact that he got physical triggered me. i get it that dad is upset. his attitude doesn't appear helpful though...

Jaeger

Oh yes.....my XH has tried these tactics with my AS also. The problem is that he never sticks with any of it. I feel for you,Rosie. I don't really have any advice other than to continue doing what you are doing. I just tell myself that as long as I do what I think I need to do and is best, what he thinks doesn't really matter. I urged my XH to go to some meetings but he hasn't.

greeteachday

I think the feedback you've received is spot on. I'm sorry that your ex is adding to your stress.

Twofour

My ex also likes his beer. Thinks he knows about addiction needs not to attend meetings or get help. I really think he would hit him if he got close. Almost did outside of hospital. He refuses to go to meetings. Just like my son has been brain washed. " we don't let people see us sweat". "we don't ask for help He is an ass""". I haven't heard that this kind of tactic has helped get anyone sober. Has anyone else? If I thought it would help I would say take him on. But he calls my son an idiot and he is done eith him. He was willing to buy a one way ticket to another state for inpatient rehab told me I was doing a bad job. Why bother. He also threatened if he keeps using taking my 14 year old away from me .... That scared me. Pick one over the other. I agree it's not helping

Twofour

All good thanks for thoughts. Really He is an ass and sometimes we all just need a knee jerk reaction. I wanted to punch him in the nose.

Twofour

So the latest from my ex is how dare you not have someone sign the na slip every time he goes Talk to his sponsor ... if we're allowed and now. If I'm not doing this then I am putting the gun to my sons head and he is out. He wants if these rules about addiction are not followed I kick him out and he is not allowed to talk with any of us. I know many of you have had to do that for yourself already. I guess cause I am 65 days into this I'm not strong enough. I think he thinks I sit here at watch put crap up his nose. My god I need this extra piece like a hole in head.Maybe He's right maybe I'm not doing this the right way. Is there a right way. Hitler style may be an alternative.

Lovenjoy

i'm real curious about where he found these?! from a specialist? if these rules exist i am very surprised they haven't been published?

it's true that no contact has come about for many with their addicts but it is usually a last resort not a first? your son wants help and you and he are facing the situation knowing it can't continue...

i hope your son continues to want a sober life and that you, at this point, can help him with direction on where to find the right tools. it is up to him if he utilizes the resources available to him. punishment is not something i personally use but consequences have a much greater impact, imo.

as i've mentioned before, when i tried micromanaging my son's recovery it seemed to have the opposite affect i was hoping for. for me, understanding what he was facing was important. but what is working for us now is i have very clear boundaries of what i can tolerate in my home. and i have detached from the specifics of his addiction/recovery.

these boundaries were not something that were immediately clear. educating myself on addiction and on codependency were essential for me. protecting myself and my home and my peace became the wellspring of my boundaries. trying to control what my son was doing or not doing didn't work. when what he was doing crossed my boundaries and he felt the consequences for those actions we began to make progress. no car. no money. no friends in the house. slowly but surely he began losing all my good will and assistance and that had impact..... it took time and was painful to experience. if your ex has alcohol issues then he and your son probably have a similar outlook of it's either black or white. it's either all good or all bad. when in reality it is about progress in the right direction.

this is just my experience. i do not rule out that taking an extremist, hard line right now could be an approach that can be helpful for your son. i've not found a one size fits all "rules about addiction" from any of my research and sharing. what i see is people who love each other trying to find a way back to sanity.

you're situation has really touched me rosie. it is such a tough time for all involved. i'm sorry your ex is proving to be another burden. maybe set some resources in front of him too? the family aspect of IOP, naranon, etc? he wants your son to do what he can to overcome this. can he do what he needs to do to try and understand his part in assisting? don't know that backstory and it may just muddy the waters for you? or maybe use his tough tactics on him?! either help or no contact?!

hoping you can make time for something relaxing and fun in your day. it's a marathon, not a sprint, so take a breath get nourishment for your body and soul today. you are not alone.....

Twofour

Thanks Lovenjoy .....I'm sure no book just black and white for him. Not willing to take him in just dictate and not talk to his son. Told me he will hurt him if he gets near him again. Thanks for checking in. I appreciate your words.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Rosie, I would not feel much support from my husband if that is the advice he gave me. Your son is asking for help BUT you cannot control anything he chooses to do. Curfews and drug testing are not a normal thing we impose on our healthy children. If you cannot live with active addiction in your home, you can impose that as a guideline, but you also must follow through on whatever boundaries you set. If you aren't already attending alanon or counseling, it will definitely help you in understanding what boundaries mean. They are not rules, they are set to help YOU in what you will or will not tolerate.
Hugs, this is not easy.
TT

Twofour

Thanks so much I do attend meetings and have a counselor. I just think my ex thinks I have screwed it all up by not setting up this controlled atmosphere. Wants to know if I searched the house for drugs. Little pills I'm gonna find in my house. The kid isn't stupid. I think he is scared too. I hate him but I think in his mind. This is what he can say its my fault and wash his hands of it. Now he wants to talk about the rules here as parents. And then sit down with my son and tell him the deal. Divorced 15 years. Can count on one hand the amount of coparenting he thought was important. Ugh. Ugh. As I say I feel open to any version. But everyone but the addict picking them is a mute point if not willing.......he wants to threaten and scream. Said if I don't start acting like a parent my son will be dead.

GardenMama

Your ex is threatening violence and clearly has anger management issues. I can't see how his input would help any of you. I have not had success when trying to engage my ex in the addiction-related issues of our daughter. I gave up and got a lot less grief.

Blaming you for your son's addiction is just another way to use his anger. Don't let it sink in to your heart and mind, Rosie. He sounds like a bully. Bullying doesn't help the disease of addiction.

Your son is struggling. He needs professional care. Please protect yourself from all of this by documenting your ex's words and actions in the event he does more. He cannot take your other child from you because one is an addict. You are being a good mother. Find more support and other resources. CRAFT, Soberfamilies, etc. You are in my prayers, Rosie. Hang in there!

Twofour

Thank you so much gardenmama. He is all of that and hence why we are divorced. The threats are awful. My son has been out of rehab 40 days. He sent me one email the day of discharge and never contacted me again. But now it's my fault. Guilt is an awful feeling. I know he is scared but still an ass. He is typing in email so I'm not gonna answer. I will only talk on phone. I don't need it. I sent him txt to please take his son out and spend time with him. It can't be all me. I asked him to help pay for the drug tests. I asked him to call his insurance and see if they would cover an addiction counselor too. No no and no. Thanks for posting. You helped

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Rosie!

I see now why you haven't wanted to call your ex-husband! That should be the last time you call him now! As bad as he seems to be? He is paying for the insurance! Let sleeping dogs lie! Leave him to his beers! I'm sure with the alcohol flowing thru his veins he's super angry and uses the insurance as a threatening way with you.

Your son has actually screamed to you in silence he doesn't want to be an addict! He's bored, doesn't have a job or GF and is using the drugs as a way around that! I used opiates for years in my life as my "lover"! I know how they make a person feel! He has great potentials in front of himself! He's a smart guy! Maybe try to get him involved with volunteering at some animal place? Animals always bring out the best in ppl! Look how many jails are allowing prisoners to train animals for adoption! It's making them into better ppl too! Staying at home 24/7 isn't working for him! There's got to be a change of some kind/some where!

Try sitting down with him and ask him what his plans are? Put the subject of the drug use on a shelf for now. Just concentrate on his desires! See if this brings out something that's been missed along the way while all the drug talk has been going on!

TOD

Tiredofdrugs

You should have the right to call the insurance company yourself if you have an insurance card? Or your son has one!

TOD