Tiredofdrugs

I have been divorced from my daughter's dad since 1985! The only time we discussed our daughter was if she was sick or injured. And of course for his visits with her! We don't discuss her at all now! She's 35 years old and has her own family!

She talks to him and she talks to me! We rarely say anything about one parent or the other. I don't want him involved in my life and he doesn't want me involved in his life! If your son wants to tell him stuff? That's on him. He's an adult now!

Your XH has already proven to be a hard azz! Stay clear of him! If he tells you anything about y'all's son(s)? Say thank you and drop it! Y'all's son's need to grow up at some point and take ownership of their own faults. Your middle son seems to be doing just that!

My mom made sure I took ownership of my faults and wrong doings at an early age, (14). I'm grateful she did! I learned to grow up fast! As parent's ourselves and for our parent's? We aren't going to be around forever! Kids will use their parent's for bailouts until they can't use us anymore! My stepdaughter used us as a doormat until I put my foot down and said: "No more!" She learned to get herself thru situations and we have a much better relationship now!

TOD

GardenMama

Twofour, my youngest daughter found great support at Alateen meetings. She did not want to go at first, but I stayed downstairs at the AlAlon meeting, and promised she just had to go two times...She went consistently for about 2 years! Maybe see if there is something like it in your community. Only recently--the past year--have she & I been able to speak to each other openly and frankly about her sister's addiction. The meetings bridged the gap for us.

I know you will make the right decisions. Try to just accept yourself for who you are, a good and attentive parent, and things will work out fine. Love & consistency plays a huge role in how things turn out with you and your children. You are doing great. Now enjoy some peace of mind, okay?

Twofour

My middle one definitely used with his brother in past and is aggregated with what has happen to addict now and how bad he got so fast but I am fearful it's a mask to what he is struggling with. He went away for weekend and came home and hasntvgotten up. Old ways. Checking out car ...pant pockets .. My God I know he used this weekend and it is killing me. I want to drug test him the second he gets up. I can't do this again...I can't miss signs and not tell him the same .....this is a drug free house. I don't want opiates to take another one. I'm so scared. Now. Please someone say something. I feel those same feelings. Got to get him out of state to get out of here if he still wants to go

Tiredofdrugs

Twofour:

Sadly! Drugs are everywhere! Sending him out of state isn't going to stop his using if he wants to use? YOU aren't going to stop his using if he wants to use? He's past the age of 18 too! So you can't make the decisions for him either!

He knows what happened with his older brother! It's a matter of time before he entangles with the law himself! If he's doing things wrong?

You've preached and talked and worried until you're going to put yourself in the hospital or end up on anxiety meds. You have a younger son to care for!

It's okay to worry and be concerned for your older sons! But that's really all you can do! They are adults! They're going to do what they want to do. You can w/h the money and can put your foot down about drugs being in your home.

If they didn't live at home? You wouldn't have a clue what they were doing! As for searching around for something? He could have gotten a girl's phone number and can't find it! Just guessing here!

Try not to assume the worst in every situation!

TOD

BellaBlue

Twofour, I have no answers, but I'm here and listening. I hear your panic. I am sorry this is happening.

Seren

Oh, Twofour! I'm so sorry to the worry and anxiety!!

Early on in my days at SR, I learned a very important lesson:

"There is no situation that I have ever seen improved by the application of sheer panic."

I know you want to fix this, stop his behavior, make it all stop right now this very moment!!!!!

Sadly, it just doesn't work that way.

Sadly, too, none of us can tell you what you "should" do, because you are the one living your life. I suppose I can begin by asking you: what sort of behavior is acceptable in your home?

Is active drug use acceptable? If not, what are the consequences of his doing so?
Does he ever help around the house? If not, what are your 'house rules' regarding living in your home?
Is he still meeting with his counselor and attending meetings?

I'm afraid you are the only one who can answer these questions for yourself, Twofour. I know, fat lot of good I am right now...

Whatever pain and fear you are having, please know you can come here any time! We really do understand and are walking this path with you

Twofour

This young man works every day.. Helps at the house all of the time kind and loving... My mom gut is its early and he wants out. Vhevgoes to his counselor every week and group. Non specific to addiction but I am sure that is what is being discussed. He asked to go to California to figure out who he is and what he wants to do with his life. I feel like he is right at that line... The line I guess I feel like it hasn't grabbed him by the guts but want him to experience some of program to support his efforts. Maybe addiction specialist etc. I know I can't control any of it. I just want him to know he deserves all the support and doesn't have to do it alone.

Twofour

My son told my ex he never partied with his brother. Told him how mad he is at his brother for using and causing so much destruction. Now I know something my ex doesn't. Do I tell him. Do I ask my middle to tell him something? If something or someone tells my ex he will lose his mind at me at his son. I feel like I wanna ask my middle to just say he did use with him but has no issues etc. the same stuff he tells me. It is killing me knowing something that I feel I should have told the other parent. Even if he is an ass. If it comes out that I knew. How much enabling or corer up is that. Makes no sense how sick this is making me. Thoughts?.

greeteachday

If these were my children, I would not get in the middle of this. I suspect your ex can turn anything he wants into "your fault" but that doesn't mean it is. Your son is 20 years old. He is capable of having a conversation with his father and what he says is between the two of them. I don't think it is your job as a parent or a spouse, whether current or ex, to get in the middle of conversations between two adults.

One of the greatest lessons I learned in recovery was figuring out what was inside my hula hoop and what was not. Imagine a hula hoop around you. What is inside of it are the things that you can focus on for you - your health, your job, your spiritual life, taking care of yourself, taking care of minor children etc. The things outside the hula hoop are things to let go of - they aren't yours to worry about. It takes practice, but that visual really helped me start to let go of what I could not control.

Seren

I love the old hula hoop analogy, greet! That really has helped me in many, many areas of my life that have nothing to do with addiction

What are you most worried about by staying out of this conversation between father and son? Are you worried about your ex-husband's anger? Do you think that if your ex-husband does know, it will keep your son from using in the future? Do you think that the lying on the part of your son is particularly bad?

For me, I suppose, the most important aspect would be that my son feel comfortable enough around me to be honest with me. It seems to me that you have that with all your boys.

Twofour how are you today? How is your youngest doing in all this? Sending many hugs and prayers for your whole family!

Twofour

I have been blessed and at times it's a burden. Lol to have an amazing open relationship with my boys. Honestly I feel that. His anger is something but a part of me would feel badly that he was being lied to. My son is 20 and should be honest with him but I know that's a step he must take. I guess cards face up. I am afraid of the his anger as well. He's a bully for sure. This is the first time in 15 years he took any interest in co parenting. My thoughts go back to it will come out from someone. Feel like the truth would set him free. He said he wishes he could just be honest with his dad. My son has decided to go to California and spend a month with his uncle. So proud of him for deciding to do so. And explore life not under momma roof My little guy is good seems more relaxed without the noise. He's happy I have gotten better or at least I don't let him see me down as much anymore. I feel ok. Want to stop stressing over it. I'm scared I'm being lied too a little from him But he again went to counselor last night. I never have to ask about that. He likes going. He said it is someone just for him. So today I am finding some peace enjoying a day off with little guy after a 10 am meeting. Thank you as always for reaching out. Truth over harmony. You are all like my lifeline. Thanks. Have a great day

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Twofour!

Haven't seen you post in awhile! How are things?

TOD

Twofour

TOD. Hi. I started a new post Son called from rehab...... So fast forward to stealing and getting arrested. Asked for rehab again. he did 15 days in inpatient and went out of state for an extended rehab. Sounds good so far 34 days sober for him. Intense therapy sessions. Therapist says. Young ones are cocky but she thinks she is getting thru to him. As for me. I am working my meetings and getting stronger. Quiet here but good Getting some great time eith my little guy Middle guy moved out ofvstatevto live with my brother and family for a while. He's great and loving it. I'm working on getting ready to tell him no return to momma house. Sober recovery house it is... Scared but less of crazy train. Thanks TOD. For reaching out. Missed hearing from you. You helped me a lot. I hope you know .......straight shooter. I like that. Needed that. Hope you are well. Love your posts of days clean........

Twofour

TOD. Hi. I started a new post Son called from rehab...... So fast forward to stealing and getting arrested. Asked for rehab again. he did 15 days in inpatient and went out of state for an extended rehab. Sounds good so far 34 days sober for him. Intense therapy sessions. Therapist says. Young ones are cocky but she thinks she is getting thru to him. As for me. I am working my meetings and getting stronger. Quiet here but good Getting some great time eith my little guy Middle guy moved out ofvstatevto live with my brother and family for a while. He's great and loving it. I'm working on getting ready to tell him no return to momma house. Sober recovery house it is... Scared but less of crazy train. Thanks TOD. For reaching out. Missed hearing from you. You helped me a lot. I hope you know .......straight shooter. I like that. Needed that. Hope you are well. Love your posts of days clean........