coraltint

Ok this is kind of a strange one, and I look forward to experience & input from the SR collective wisdom!

I am 11 yrs clean from alcohol & other substances through sponsored AA stepwork & live meetings & online groups including SR. My wife is 2 years clean after a nasty spin with booze & pills. She seems very connected, is sponsored, and goes to more meetings than I do, so things look ok on that front. Everything is MUCH better than it was a few yrs back!

While she was headed for the ditch, I went to some Alanon, because I could feel myself getting crazier & crazier trying to control her addiction. It was very helpful, but I never got a sponsor in that program or worked any steps there.

I learned fairly early on in her recovery journey not to give advice or compare our paths....that always went badly. Over the past few days though, she's started to open up a bit and tell me things about her feelings about getting close to embark on Steps 8 & 9. She's asked me about my amends to her from way back when I went to rehab, and told me about how she remembers it (of course slightly different than I recall!), and asked me about how far out into our extended families my amends reached. Interesting conversations, and we've been pretty good about backing off if/when one of us starts getting uncomfortable or prickly.

So my dilemma:

If/when her sponsor advises her to give me some kind of verbal amend (I'm aware she may be told to just do living amends with me, that's what my sponsor did), I have a strong urge to let her know just how bad it got. I feel like the past 2 years have been largely about minimizing & "forgiving herself" about the chaos her disease caused in our lives (we have elementary-aged kids).

I don't think this is a good idea, but am also worried about my guaranteed resentment about never being able to unload on her about this shiznit. I clearly don't have enough Alanon in me. Maybe she will come through with some awareness that I don't think she has, maybe not.

So....SR group conscience....do I let her have it, or stifle myself & try to be a better person/doormat?

*I think I know the answer, and I already resent you guys for it*

Chino

Release your resentments in a safe place where you'll do no harm.

For me, that place has been with my therapist. Sometimes it's taken me several sessions to offload, and more distant events in my life have taken many many more. The longer I repressed, the longer it took to free myself of resentment.

I also learned to make simple to the point statements to loved ones who caused me pain, but it was my responsibility to make me feel better. I learned that last part from my recovering addict daughter: she had resentments and pain directed at me, they were justified, but I could not heal her anymore than her drugs could. She had to learn to do that for herself.

Living amends is a beautiful gift of love we now give to each other freely.

Best wishes to you!

Ann

The antidote to resentment is forgiveness. That doesn't mean you excuse the harm that was done nor does it mean you set yourself up for more. What it means is that you let go of the pain you attach to it. Step 4 is a wonderful way to do this and leaves us aware of all the resentments we carry and allows us to prepare to release them in Step, 5 and 6.

Their amends are not about us so much as their acknowledgement and regret that they caused pain to others. It doesn't matter much whether the recipient "accepts" them, what matters is that they acknowledge their bad behaviour and indicate an intention to do better in the future. That frees them of guilt so that they can proceed with their recovery in peace.

Nobody can do more than apologize and then live the apology, to atone for past sins. They forgive themselves at this point. To hang on to our resentments from our side is just hurting ourselves. We can choose to never see or speak to them again and move forward with out lives, but choosing to live with the pain of resentment will only eat us alive.

Good luck with this. It's not always easy to forgive but carrying a resentment can weigh us down.

Hugs

schnappi99

I'm a recovering codie, my wife is the recovering alcoholic. Its only been a few months but I sure started out w/ my recovery expecting amends for some of the stuff that developed when she was using. Lots of it is coming from my inner "codie voice" which goes on about whats fair... "all I did for her I deserve it" etc.

Forgiveness does not make you a doormat and expecting amends is heading down the path of minding her program.

Isn't recovery enough? h3ll I don't have to go back more than a few months when the hurt and anger were on us like an apocalypse (young child in the house too).

And, of course, as I mind my program (starting 4th step work this week w/ my sponsor) I find my own fingerprints all over the problems too so wtf am I to Expect Amends from my wife- frankly I know I have a few to make.

Ifnotforgrace

How would you want it done to you? Surely there are people who could have ripped you a good one on your list? Did you learn anything from when you offered and made amends?

One thing I learned in Al-anon was to ask my self, How much is it worth to be right? AND that the best thing I could do sometimes was to accept the apology I never got. Letting go..is a BIG part of Al-Anon it is them what service is to AA.

0to60

"I think I know the answer, and I already resent you guys for it."

Thanks for the chuckle.........I loved that!!!!

DoubleBarrel

You are future tripping all over the place about something that hasn't happened at all, and might not ever happen and if and when it does happen could be entirely outside of your ability to prognosticate.

Stop it. When it happens, deal with it then.

Hawks

Ever been just about to do something you know is wrong and your conscience is screaming at you "don't do it" but you've thought, screw you conscience, this is going to feel good, so you go against your conscience, and the results have been that, it didn't feel good??

It actually felt worse!!

I know I have.

These days I try to let my conscience win.

Results??

I feel better.... Or at least I don't feel worse.

Neagrm

It takes time to heal and to re-program ourselves. It's very easy to fall into our default settings/old thinking patterns. (I'm not saying you're doing that. I'm just putting out a word of caution.) It happens even though we're long-timers in the program. A safe place to process our own feelings is with our Al-Anon sponsor, or a counselor/therapist.

I know for sure, when I've talked something over with my sponsor/Al-Anon friends/counselor/therapist, when I've done my venting harmlessly and safely, when I've explored the nooks and crannies of my feelings and impulses, with my program buddies, I gain clarity and perspective that is so helpful to my communication. This process can be short or long. I've never regretted the times when I've given it time and patience.

Somewhere around our 25th to 30th year of marriage my non-program spouse began to express regrets to me about our past. It was healing for me to hear his acknowledgement. Something in me was healed more deeply when I heard his validation.

That said, I was very glad I'd worked through my thoughts and feelings repeatedly with my sponsor long before those moments. Because, when my spouse expressed those regrets I was really able to hear them in the moment, and take them in without my own stuff obscuring the picture.

Be forewarned though, there were a couple times I felt the old intensity of feelings rise within me in reaction to his words, the memory - frustration/anger and grief stirred up again and feeling raw. But because I'd done so much previous work/processing with safe and compassionate listeners, I was able to verbalize in a way he could hear, a few of my thoughts and feelings. At that moment I overrode the need to vent to him because I'd already explored it with others in the program and it had lost some of its charge. I was able to express gratitude for his acknowledgement of the past. I could express agreement - without resentment - with the unchangeable facts of matters. And we shared mutual sorrow for the lost opportunities.

I'm really glad I could simply affirm his assessment and say *briefly* it had hurt, instead of spewing feelings which could have overwhelmed and defeated the miracle of the moment. (At another time we had further discussion. I said what I needed to say.)

It was important for him to say it, and important for me to hear it, just listening and acknowledging in the moment; it was healing for both of us. That was my experience.
Best wishes to you.