Enabling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: allentown PA
Posts: 19
Enabling
What if my addicted daughter dies because I decided not to enable? How does one go on living with this tragedy? I can't fully embrace detachment because of my fear of receiving the worst phone call of my life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25
Just got off the phone. My son is in the hospital. They took him off IV. He refuses to go to the full psychiatric evaluation we have given him a check for. He refuses to sign up for health insurance. His emergency care for liver failure is free since he's unemployed. He's hungry. That's good. He denies this is related to his drinking even though his DUI proved he was lying about being sober. He doesn't want to come home and would like up to move him nearer to his friends.
My husband feels the sober living homes would be abusive and a couple of nights in jail would force him to deal with the requirements of the courts he's avoiding. I feel he's hoping they lock him up so he won't be able to abuse anyone and would be in a controlled environment. Did he get the DUI hoping for control and clean up after that? I doubt it. But I misjudged how sick he was. I hope he tells us what his diagnosis is.
I'm afraid he would die very quickly if we weren't paying for his apartment and buying him food. Unfortunately that's not enough. I pray to embrace all of life's experiences and continue seeing the person I love behind the addiction. That is what gives life meaning.
My husband feels the sober living homes would be abusive and a couple of nights in jail would force him to deal with the requirements of the courts he's avoiding. I feel he's hoping they lock him up so he won't be able to abuse anyone and would be in a controlled environment. Did he get the DUI hoping for control and clean up after that? I doubt it. But I misjudged how sick he was. I hope he tells us what his diagnosis is.
I'm afraid he would die very quickly if we weren't paying for his apartment and buying him food. Unfortunately that's not enough. I pray to embrace all of life's experiences and continue seeing the person I love behind the addiction. That is what gives life meaning.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
This is a horrible fear we experience as parents.
It took me a year of reading and working through each decision before I could take small steps forward and make some of the harder decisions. The risk we feel we take with their lives can be paralyzing. I don't take an action until I work it all through and can make a decision I can live with. I don't tell others what decisions to make because I don't have to live with their consequences.
I had to face that there is a real risk of my son dying whether I help him or not.
Helping and not helping hasn't made much of a difference in 27 years. I have to focus on keeping myself in a good place so I can live through all of it each day.
You are not alone. There are many parents here who have gone through what you are experiencing.
The 3 A's of Al-anon helped me. Awareness, Acceptance, and then Action.
It took me a year of reading and working through each decision before I could take small steps forward and make some of the harder decisions. The risk we feel we take with their lives can be paralyzing. I don't take an action until I work it all through and can make a decision I can live with. I don't tell others what decisions to make because I don't have to live with their consequences.
I had to face that there is a real risk of my son dying whether I help him or not.
Helping and not helping hasn't made much of a difference in 27 years. I have to focus on keeping myself in a good place so I can live through all of it each day.
You are not alone. There are many parents here who have gone through what you are experiencing.
The 3 A's of Al-anon helped me. Awareness, Acceptance, and then Action.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I was paralyzed by fear also. I was also convinced that every time the phone rang it was "that call".
It took me a while to realize that I could spend the rest of my life waiting for the call that may never come. In the meantime, I wasted my own life.
It took me even longer to realize that what I do or don't do doesn't make much difference other than to make life easier for my son while he ruined it.
I'd like to say that I finally fully understood, but the truth is I ran out of money, patience, understanding of family and more befroe I started to change my ways.
Everyone moves at thier own speed
It took me a while to realize that I could spend the rest of my life waiting for the call that may never come. In the meantime, I wasted my own life.
It took me even longer to realize that what I do or don't do doesn't make much difference other than to make life easier for my son while he ruined it.
I'd like to say that I finally fully understood, but the truth is I ran out of money, patience, understanding of family and more befroe I started to change my ways.
Everyone moves at thier own speed
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
Enabling is doing for others what they are capable of doing for themselves. When we enable addicts, we prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions. When we do this, we discourage them from learning from their own mistakes. This, in turn, prevents them from realizing they have a problem.
Enabling gives us a false sense of control. It is an attempt to satisfy our own (selfish, yes selfish) need to "DO Something". We have a false sense of pride IF we think anything we do for the addict "helps" them. Human beings are designed to be productive and when we are not our self worth diminishes. When we enable, we effectively do harm to those we wish to "help". Giving in to the toxic desires of a toddler are not what is best for the child-the same is true of the addict.
Enabling is often a sign of codependence. Most co-dependents have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in their relationships and their childhood. Many were raised in families where addictions existed - some were not. Many were later influenced by an addicted or co-dependent person. In either case, the reality in* co-dependents' lives is that co-dependency is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior and that it is borne out of sometimes moderately, and sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems.
Often, co-dependents have experienced in their own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of their childhood and relationships throughout their lives. They attempted to use others, their mates, friends and even their children as their sole source of identity, value and well-being and, as a way of trying to restore within themselves the emotional losses from their childhood. Their histories may include other powerful addictions which they have used to cope.
The end result is an inability to maintain functional relationships. In fact, co-dependents don't have relationships so much as they take "hostages" while feeling that they are "held hostage".
The families have to realize that we too have been affected by addiction and that our thinking also becomes distorted. We must learn to detach (separate the person from the addiction) The idea of control is but an illusion. We are powerless..but not helpless. Changing our own attitudes can aid recovery (but there are no guarantees). We can improve our own lives (still being supporting of the addict) without enabling.
We must learn to redefine ideas like "help" and see that what we are doing (our part) is actually not helpful but inhibitive of potential recovery.
Enabling gives us a false sense of control. It is an attempt to satisfy our own (selfish, yes selfish) need to "DO Something". We have a false sense of pride IF we think anything we do for the addict "helps" them. Human beings are designed to be productive and when we are not our self worth diminishes. When we enable, we effectively do harm to those we wish to "help". Giving in to the toxic desires of a toddler are not what is best for the child-the same is true of the addict.
Enabling is often a sign of codependence. Most co-dependents have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in their relationships and their childhood. Many were raised in families where addictions existed - some were not. Many were later influenced by an addicted or co-dependent person. In either case, the reality in* co-dependents' lives is that co-dependency is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior and that it is borne out of sometimes moderately, and sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems.
Often, co-dependents have experienced in their own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of their childhood and relationships throughout their lives. They attempted to use others, their mates, friends and even their children as their sole source of identity, value and well-being and, as a way of trying to restore within themselves the emotional losses from their childhood. Their histories may include other powerful addictions which they have used to cope.
The end result is an inability to maintain functional relationships. In fact, co-dependents don't have relationships so much as they take "hostages" while feeling that they are "held hostage".
The families have to realize that we too have been affected by addiction and that our thinking also becomes distorted. We must learn to detach (separate the person from the addiction) The idea of control is but an illusion. We are powerless..but not helpless. Changing our own attitudes can aid recovery (but there are no guarantees). We can improve our own lives (still being supporting of the addict) without enabling.
We must learn to redefine ideas like "help" and see that what we are doing (our part) is actually not helpful but inhibitive of potential recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Ifnotforgrace 
Enabling is doing for others what they are capable of doing for themselves.
That leads me towards making decisions in good conscience, which is something I can absolutely live with.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
So does enabling. If you are enabling you are deciding that a person is incapable (which is usually not the case) The addict may not be making healthy choices, but they have the capacity to do so otherwise recovery would not be "capable" of ever choosing to change.
In Al-Anon They have a pamphlet called "Detachment" which gives us some insight-
"In Al-anon we learn....
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or
reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or
abused by others in the interest of
another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do
for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others
will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not
drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes
or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural
course of events"
In NA we get an even clearer idea-from "What is enabling"
"We enable addicts by doing things such as:
Paying their bills, making car payments, covering bounced checks, paying bail, paying traffic tickets.
Making excuses for their behavior, changing appointments, calling employers on absenteeism, writing late or absentee excuses to schools, covering up for missed family functions.
Providing the addict with money, clothing, housing and food.
Caring for the addict's family by allowing them to live with us, taking their children to school, babysitting, etc."
Again we have to look honestly at our own issues and motives then assess our choices.
In Al-Anon They have a pamphlet called "Detachment" which gives us some insight-
"In Al-anon we learn....
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or
reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or
abused by others in the interest of
another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do
for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others
will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not
drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes
or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural
course of events"
In NA we get an even clearer idea-from "What is enabling"
"We enable addicts by doing things such as:
Paying their bills, making car payments, covering bounced checks, paying bail, paying traffic tickets.
Making excuses for their behavior, changing appointments, calling employers on absenteeism, writing late or absentee excuses to schools, covering up for missed family functions.
Providing the addict with money, clothing, housing and food.
Caring for the addict's family by allowing them to live with us, taking their children to school, babysitting, etc."
Again we have to look honestly at our own issues and motives then assess our choices.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
If you're controlling, you're deciding what another can do, too.
I'll always act in good conscience as it's a direct reflection of my communication with Creator.
"Detachment" is really good and I keep it right here at my desk.
I'll always act in good conscience as it's a direct reflection of my communication with Creator.
"Detachment" is really good and I keep it right here at my desk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The bottom line is that we all do what we can live with.....whatever that may be. It's important to remember that we can also enable them to death. And we would have to live with that too.
A few years back....I got a phone call from the hospital. My son had been beaten. Pistol whipped. Kicked. His hands and arms bruised and bloody. His index finger shattered from trying to protect his head from the blows. Crescent shaped gouges in his head from the butt of a pistol. Blood. Stitches. Broken ribs. Emergency surgery to try to save the hand/finger and repair the damage done to his head and body. The gun had gone off.....the bullet went through the collar of his coat. It didn't hit him.
I also received another phone call a few years ago. My Dad was dead. His plane crashed. He was killed instantly on impact. As a pilot he told me that every pilot understands that what goes up...must come down....and they just hope that landing is done in a controlled manner. But sometimes.....it's not.
In both of these situations, there was nothing I could do. I was powerless. If I spend all of my time worrying about what might happen, I am no better prepared for it than if it happens out of the blue.....but I would have spent a whole lot of precious time worrying about something that was out of my control.
In life there will always be sorrow at some points in time. Always. It is absolutely a given. But I can't live my life fully if I spend it worrying about the sorrows of tomorrow that haven't happened yet.....or may never happen in the way it plays out in my head. Someone once told me (and please forgive me if this offends anyone) that if I stand with one foot in tomorrow and the other foot in yesterday, I'm pissing on today.
I have worked hard to overcome my fear. I have come to terms with addiction. It doesn't mean I like it but I have come to terms with it. I would be lying if I said that it never crosses my mind...but I do not dwell on my son's death any more than I dwell upon my own or my husband's or my daughter's or my mother's. There was once a time when I mourned my son's death every single day.....and he was still alive. I have stopped grieving and started living. I hope you can too.
hugs
ke
A few years back....I got a phone call from the hospital. My son had been beaten. Pistol whipped. Kicked. His hands and arms bruised and bloody. His index finger shattered from trying to protect his head from the blows. Crescent shaped gouges in his head from the butt of a pistol. Blood. Stitches. Broken ribs. Emergency surgery to try to save the hand/finger and repair the damage done to his head and body. The gun had gone off.....the bullet went through the collar of his coat. It didn't hit him.
I also received another phone call a few years ago. My Dad was dead. His plane crashed. He was killed instantly on impact. As a pilot he told me that every pilot understands that what goes up...must come down....and they just hope that landing is done in a controlled manner. But sometimes.....it's not.
In both of these situations, there was nothing I could do. I was powerless. If I spend all of my time worrying about what might happen, I am no better prepared for it than if it happens out of the blue.....but I would have spent a whole lot of precious time worrying about something that was out of my control.
In life there will always be sorrow at some points in time. Always. It is absolutely a given. But I can't live my life fully if I spend it worrying about the sorrows of tomorrow that haven't happened yet.....or may never happen in the way it plays out in my head. Someone once told me (and please forgive me if this offends anyone) that if I stand with one foot in tomorrow and the other foot in yesterday, I'm pissing on today.
I have worked hard to overcome my fear. I have come to terms with addiction. It doesn't mean I like it but I have come to terms with it. I would be lying if I said that it never crosses my mind...but I do not dwell on my son's death any more than I dwell upon my own or my husband's or my daughter's or my mother's. There was once a time when I mourned my son's death every single day.....and he was still alive. I have stopped grieving and started living. I hope you can too.
hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: U.S.
Posts: 130
I can almost understand that fear, Audreyrose. My situation is with a sibling rather than a child, and I know it must be super hard to think about losing your child. Morning Glory's post was really helpful for me to read. I think there is value of thinking through my actions and looking at the best and worst possible results before making a decision, and accepting the possible results ahead of time.
I don't have any real answers but I know that if our loved ones die as a result of their addiction, it's likely that we'll go through a woulda coulda shoulda phase REGARDLESS of whether or not we enabled or the extent to which we did. That is just part of grief. This just comes to us from the enabling angle because of our situations. We've just got the added angle of enabling to deal with this from. We'll say to ourselves that we shouldn't have enabled, or that we should have, or done more of this or less of that. I personally feel there is no way to avoid this if our addict were to die. Other people would just substitute something else for enabling in the woulda coulda shoulda conversation in the head.
I have anticipatory grief over my sibling. The hardest challenge for me is detatching with compassion. it always feels like an ethical issue for me. I am still learning. We just went through a few months of slight enabling, for a limited time and for a medical recuperation reason (ostensibly, we tell ourselves), but the drinking situation just kept deteriorating. Within 2 weeks of cutting it off, which we just did, the situation is no worse and is better in some ways...a trade off maybe. Either way the addiction has the upper hand even over us. Or so it seems to me.
I don't have any real answers but I know that if our loved ones die as a result of their addiction, it's likely that we'll go through a woulda coulda shoulda phase REGARDLESS of whether or not we enabled or the extent to which we did. That is just part of grief. This just comes to us from the enabling angle because of our situations. We've just got the added angle of enabling to deal with this from. We'll say to ourselves that we shouldn't have enabled, or that we should have, or done more of this or less of that. I personally feel there is no way to avoid this if our addict were to die. Other people would just substitute something else for enabling in the woulda coulda shoulda conversation in the head.
I have anticipatory grief over my sibling. The hardest challenge for me is detatching with compassion. it always feels like an ethical issue for me. I am still learning. We just went through a few months of slight enabling, for a limited time and for a medical recuperation reason (ostensibly, we tell ourselves), but the drinking situation just kept deteriorating. Within 2 weeks of cutting it off, which we just did, the situation is no worse and is better in some ways...a trade off maybe. Either way the addiction has the upper hand even over us. Or so it seems to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I have figured out the basics of not enabling...no money (3 addicts and a lot of work on myself), as of this last December when our daughter manipulated us (& me) to 'wait' for a detox...'til dad came home from Chile', until next week, etc...I realized that she was really manipulating me...and she even told me...she was a truth teller before drugs (as I am...this can be a real flaw as many people don't want direct...but she has it...and it has served me well at times in my life...not the last job)--and she told me that the reason 'people take advantage of me is that I am a good person and can be manipulated'...then clapped her hand over her mouth...but continued through December through June as things went worse...I was praying for her arrest and she got arrested but she got off...and I went down for the count. I am sure that there are people here who understand...and that I am fragile right now but still working this program...I will not go down permanently and the past few years have almost taken me down...but I was able to let go of the previous 2 and they are clean now. I need to let go of this one...I call it releasing in love...and I am so aware of the love...I love people...in fact, I find that it is easier to be there for others than myself and am being told that I need to take care of me...but right now have no idea what that might look like...but working the program. It almost feels as if my body is tearing me apart from the inside out...I have accepted no contact...well, did I...went to the big City to look for her on Sunday and found that she was no longer in the hotel where she stays but also that she was alive 3-4 days before...so I am not able to really tell on the enabling...and I also know that we can only do it at our own pace and ability...if intensity of trying meant anything...I would have been there a long time ago...but she is my 3rd and I love her...she was the child born after my 4th child died of SIDS. I am pretty sure that I am dealing with deeper issues within me...so working on prayer...and releasing her in love...but only as someone wrote above...I have no other options...and have allowed myself to collapse...which is not taking care of me.
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