Looking After You
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Looking After You
Looking After You
~Buddy T
I didn't understand how looking after myself first was ever going to get the alcoholic to stop drinking! What were these crazy people talking about?
I'm not the problem! The alcoholic is the one with the problem! If they would just do things MY way, everything would be okay!
As I started "working" the Al-Anon program, I discovered that there were some very good reasons looking after me could improve the overall situation. It turns out that a lot of what I did to try to change the situation actually contributed to the problem and not the solution. It also turned out that I actually had a few character defects of my own! I had to admit these defects also contributed to the family problem.
So, when I started looking after me first and some of MY problems were addressed, I was no longer contributing as much to the chaos and confusion. When I stopped trying to control, they stopped reacting to my efforts to control!
No, it didn't stop the alcoholic from drinking. But in the meantime my attitude ABOUT the problem changed with the realization that I was powerless to cure someone else's disease and it wasn't my job to begin with. So looking after me first didn't change the drinking but it sure changed the situation and my changed my attitude tremendously.
~Buddy T
I didn't understand how looking after myself first was ever going to get the alcoholic to stop drinking! What were these crazy people talking about?
I'm not the problem! The alcoholic is the one with the problem! If they would just do things MY way, everything would be okay!
As I started "working" the Al-Anon program, I discovered that there were some very good reasons looking after me could improve the overall situation. It turns out that a lot of what I did to try to change the situation actually contributed to the problem and not the solution. It also turned out that I actually had a few character defects of my own! I had to admit these defects also contributed to the family problem.
So, when I started looking after me first and some of MY problems were addressed, I was no longer contributing as much to the chaos and confusion. When I stopped trying to control, they stopped reacting to my efforts to control!
No, it didn't stop the alcoholic from drinking. But in the meantime my attitude ABOUT the problem changed with the realization that I was powerless to cure someone else's disease and it wasn't my job to begin with. So looking after me first didn't change the drinking but it sure changed the situation and my changed my attitude tremendously.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am finally realizing that I contributed to the problem and not the solution. Geez, It has only taken me 2 yrs to get that but boy it was so easy to see in others. Ah, humility isn't always easy as I had once believed.
Thanks CO!! High five and No hugs!!
Thanks CO!! High five and No hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Uhhhh...no high fives either...how about a fist bump?
I think taking ownership in our part of the dance is one of the hardest things about recovery. I know we can't cure it, or control it, and they say we can't cause it (I'll keep my opinions to myself on that one), but we sure as heck can and do contribute to it. It's always easier to blame all the hurt, pain, chaos, and confusion on the addict. But, when they no longer have a dancing partner, the dynamics change. And, you are right, it is a humbling experience when we take a close look in the mirror.
I think taking ownership in our part of the dance is one of the hardest things about recovery. I know we can't cure it, or control it, and they say we can't cause it (I'll keep my opinions to myself on that one), but we sure as heck can and do contribute to it. It's always easier to blame all the hurt, pain, chaos, and confusion on the addict. But, when they no longer have a dancing partner, the dynamics change. And, you are right, it is a humbling experience when we take a close look in the mirror.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Magnolia, TX
Posts: 15
Hi (I'm assuming ladies) ! I am searching, and went to 12 steps for family and found yalls post, I'm not sure how to accept responsibility in my husbands drinking drug history/habit. We married in 1990 & he was a heavy drinker (didn't think so when I was 19-20) drinking led to cocaine and crack. Fast forward to 2000 and he was told he had hep c, quit drinking or die. He quit, took treatment and alcohol has never been a problem since. However, he has battled opiates and benzos for the last 10 -12 years, so we had about 2 years span of not using. He has been to rehab 2 or 3 times, is currently on suboxne, doesn't go to meetings or have a sponsor, and I am done. I am so tired of the whole situation. We have done counseling, aa na alanon, co dep, I keep my side of the street clean, but I am really not sure how to see my part in his drugs, well, correction, for along time, I did enable him with pills, since afterall, he had back surgery and 5 herniated discs and degenerative arthritis, and and and, ok, I see some ownership... feedback? comments? I confronted him with a lie this morning (he is a pathological liar, not just for drugs, he lies for fun, he lies to make himself look better, and he lies to control) and I just want some peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Taking ownership of our part...
One huge thing that comes to mind for me is the debt. I bare some responsibility in that. As he was spending I was bailing it all out to keep the ship from sinking. It is a tough place to be in. Do you let it all be lost and should you? Do you make the excuse of this is for the kids with some wing and a prayer that they will get it. I don't know if there is ever a concrete answer. But I do know that once he did commit to some kind of recovery then we both took on the debt.
Neavon12
I think we have to own the lies we told ourselves.
Own the situations we found ourselves in when we chose to stay or leave for that matter.
I don't like the blame it all on the addict mentality because hell I sure was there, playing that game. He never really was anyone other than who he was. Once I knew what was there and continued to enable or have a pity party with him, or make excuses for him well you know I wasn't anymore more better for him than he was for me. Once I started drinking again, well really now who was I to say he couldn't use heroin ... hypocrite I did well.
He never made me sick or insane ... I did that as a reaction to him, allowed it to happen. Can be a tough pill to swallow.
It is a process and really about us not them.
One huge thing that comes to mind for me is the debt. I bare some responsibility in that. As he was spending I was bailing it all out to keep the ship from sinking. It is a tough place to be in. Do you let it all be lost and should you? Do you make the excuse of this is for the kids with some wing and a prayer that they will get it. I don't know if there is ever a concrete answer. But I do know that once he did commit to some kind of recovery then we both took on the debt.
Neavon12
I think we have to own the lies we told ourselves.
Own the situations we found ourselves in when we chose to stay or leave for that matter.
I don't like the blame it all on the addict mentality because hell I sure was there, playing that game. He never really was anyone other than who he was. Once I knew what was there and continued to enable or have a pity party with him, or make excuses for him well you know I wasn't anymore more better for him than he was for me. Once I started drinking again, well really now who was I to say he couldn't use heroin ... hypocrite I did well.
He never made me sick or insane ... I did that as a reaction to him, allowed it to happen. Can be a tough pill to swallow.
It is a process and really about us not them.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
When I dated an A a few years ago I found myself at an AlAnon meeting looking for support. I thought it was going to be how you dealt with an A and how screwed up they were. My comment at that first meeting was this was his problem not mine. He should be here doing this and I shouldn't have to deal with it. He was just my bf not my husband.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the word co-dependent. When I started ticking off the boxes next to all the qualities I had brought into this relationship. When I realized I was a contributing factor to why this relationship worked to begin with.
In my mind I was the perfect one. I didn't have an addiction, I was a saint for putting up with someone who did and enduring everything he put me through. Look at how strong I am for standing by a guy that obviously needs me. Look at how dedicated and loving I must be to stay with someone who can't find a job, who grows pot in his house, who treats me like crap. Everything bad he did only made what I did look even better.
My whole life I've been looking for that nodding approval that validates I am good. I am better than someone else. I am worthy. I am afraid that without the contrast of someone else's messed up world, my life won't look so perfect and wonderful.
Facing the fact that maybe the reason these guys are in my life is because I have traits that are attracting them was a humbling experience. It has certainly made me look at myself in the mirror and really see myself for who I am and the responsibility I have to change these qualities.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the word co-dependent. When I started ticking off the boxes next to all the qualities I had brought into this relationship. When I realized I was a contributing factor to why this relationship worked to begin with.
In my mind I was the perfect one. I didn't have an addiction, I was a saint for putting up with someone who did and enduring everything he put me through. Look at how strong I am for standing by a guy that obviously needs me. Look at how dedicated and loving I must be to stay with someone who can't find a job, who grows pot in his house, who treats me like crap. Everything bad he did only made what I did look even better.
My whole life I've been looking for that nodding approval that validates I am good. I am better than someone else. I am worthy. I am afraid that without the contrast of someone else's messed up world, my life won't look so perfect and wonderful.
Facing the fact that maybe the reason these guys are in my life is because I have traits that are attracting them was a humbling experience. It has certainly made me look at myself in the mirror and really see myself for who I am and the responsibility I have to change these qualities.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
My RAW stopped drinking before I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. In Al-Anon, the very first question I was confronted with wasn't "What was your part in your wife's drinking?" The question was "Why did you put yourself through so much pain and suffering? Why did you put up with it for 15 years? What was it about you?"
It took me awhile to start to find an answer to that question.
It took me awhile to start to find an answer to that question.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Halifax, NS
Posts: 1
I have been living with my A partner for almost 6 years. It is not an easy thing to do. He was using drugs before I met him, beat that addiction and can not for the life of him give up the booze. He was sexually molested as a child and has been going for therapy. It is a struggle daily for me...the rollercoaster ride is what I call it. I need to get off the ride and have some peace. The lies...seems like that is all there is, lies and empty promises. I am at my wits end and need to find the courage and strength to leave. I am afraid.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Such wisdom and helpful mirroring here. It's where we all start, isn't it. Over and over I've seen newcomers arrive at the meeting in this very place. It's where I started. How do I cope with this hell? What can I do?!
What makes all the difference are those -- with even only a smidgen of willingness -- who come back and allow the door to crack open so they can peek inside themselves, begin to see their own part.
From unendurable pain and despair, to survival, to peace and serenity, to health and joy. Over and over I've seen it happen; experienced it myself. It IS possible to have peace and joy in the midst of the storm swirling around me.
Thank you for this topic!
What makes all the difference are those -- with even only a smidgen of willingness -- who come back and allow the door to crack open so they can peek inside themselves, begin to see their own part.
From unendurable pain and despair, to survival, to peace and serenity, to health and joy. Over and over I've seen it happen; experienced it myself. It IS possible to have peace and joy in the midst of the storm swirling around me.
Thank you for this topic!
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