My Update.

[GwenMarie30]

Hello friends.

Things have been so busy and stressful lately that I feel like its all going to cave in on me. I am not dealing very well tonight just from so much stress. Its 2:30am and I cant sleep.

I posted a couple weeks ago that my bf had been in a motorcycle accident on July 8th. They life flighted him by AirVac helicopter to a major hospital in St. Louis. They took him straight to surgery. He lost so much blood that they had to give him a transfusion. He had two lacerations where the leg meets the body from the top of the leg to almost the back of the leg on the inside thigh. The cuts were to the bone but no major arteries had been severed. They repaired and washed out the wound after doing a little exportation to make sure of no further damage. He came thru ok but in alot of pain. He was released 5 days later with staples to hold the wound. That was on a Wednesday. By Friday he torn a couple staple and I had to take him to a local emergency room where they put in two stitches and sent him home a few hours later. Saturday comes around and the pain in his leg is getting worse and the wound was bleeding excessively, plus there was a smell from the wound. Back to the ER that Saturday evening. The doc put in a couple more stitches because the staples just wasn't holding. I asked for a complete blood count since he had lost so much blood and to see if there was infection. We were sent home after the doc said the blood was ok but the white count was "elevated" but nothing of concern. Sunday my bf was in agony and the pain pills weren't touching him. The bleeding still wouldn't stop and the smell from the wound was getting worse and the top of the leg was really swelling. We ended back at the ER at the hospital where he had the surgery. They took him straight into surgery. They had to remove tissue and muscle all the way to the bone. He had a hematoma and alot of infection and dead skin on the top. They left the wound open as there was no tissue to sew back together.

He is back home now as of last week Wednesday. The wound is open and a nurse comes out twice a week now to pack gauze in the wound and is attached to a WoundVac. It sucks out any drainage and infection letting the wound heal from the inside, out. He is doing alot better now but is on so much narcotic pain meds. He is unable to get up at all unless its with my assistance and can use crutches to go from the couch to the bed only.

During all this happenings, I have lost my job and have been taking complete care of him. The good that comes out of this is that I do get to spend more time with my bf. I stayed in the hospital with him every night he was there except for two nights because I didn't have anyone to take care of our children. Now that he's home his complete care from his food, bathing, and every need he has comes from me. It does kinda in a way make me feel good that I am needed, but it is all taking a bad toll on me too. He isn't exactly a happy camper since he is completely dependant on someone else and also the medication makes him emotional. Lately he has goes from agreeable to hateful and demanding at the turn of a breath. He expects his every need and want met when he wants it. Yesterday I was supposed to go to my rehab class to make up for a class I missed the previous week and he was angry at me because I had to go. I ended up having to call my counselor to ask if I could make it up another time. For me to go to class its an hour drive plus the time it takes me to take my kids to a sitter while I go, and then sit thru 3hrs of class, go pick up kids and drive an hour back home. My bf cant be left alone for that long of a time. He cant get anything to eat or drink, go to the bathroom, or nothing. Well my counselor said that me and my bf know that I have to attend class and that it is my bf responsibility to find someone to sit with him. He has no family that can come in while I'm gone. He has a mother who works two jobs and a grandma who doesn't want to drive after dark and she is too old too. He has no father and his friends all have their family and jobs too. Also my bf is being stubborn because he doesn't want anyone else having to wait on him hand and foot. Its my responsibility. I'm torn on what to do. My counselor says that my bf is emotionally abusive by his need to completely control and manipulate my time and then make me feel guilty for taking care of my responsibilities before his needs and wants. But to me I was raised that in a family, you take care of each other. I know I need my class and meetings but as I see it and my bf too is that he needs me now and I will continue in recovery when he is able to do things for him self a little more. My bf isn't going to bedridden forever. So my counselor had me write a report on how my codependency affects and interferes with my life.

Well this evening as I am walking out the door to go get kids and was already late because I made sure he had dinner, snacks, drinks and anything he could possibly want, he wants his wallet that had his money in it and was out in the car. I couldn't see it right away and didn't have time to search. I did find his wallet on the way to class. It had slid off the seat into the side pocket of the door. He sends me these nasty text messages all evening telling me how I must think its pretty funny to leave him here without no help and no one who cares, and I just use him and his car and his money for whatever I want with no regard to what he says. That I just take from him, etc, etc. I had 16 text messages about nothing but telling me how I'm a sh*$# person for not doing what he said right then and there and for going to class and just alot more bs that I cant handle right now. Well on my way home I get another message saying he fell because he couldn't wait for me to get home. I left here at 4:30 and pulled back in the driveway at 11pm. Its like that every Thursday that I have class.

Well while I was at class my counselor did a urine drop and it came up positive for opiates. OMG! It felt like my world came crashing in on me. I know and swear by anything that means anything to me that I am clean. My bf is on all these pain meds that was my DOC but I am strong enough in my recovery to stay away from them. My counselor even did two different dips from the urine and they came up positive. I paid him $25 to have it sent off to a lab and its going to be a week before the results come back. I just don't understand. I cant think about it right now or I will have another bad panic attack. This hurts me so bad because I know no one will believe me. My counselor will wait to report this to Family Services and my probation officer I am praying. Otherwise Family Services will come in and take away my kids again and my probation officer will write a violation report and the judge WILL put me in jail for 7 years. So now with the stress of having all the added responsibility, no job, no income and all the bills still coming in, I now have this test condemning me for something I didn't do. No one will believe an addict whose drug of choice is in my home. I need some prayers desperately if you can please.

I don't know how to express my feelings and this isn't something I am able to talk with my bf with. I cant go to meetings right now with having to take care of so much. I am definitely feeling lost and very alone and absolutely terrified of what is going to happen now.

Things have been going relatively well between me and my bf. We have had several good conversations lately where we have been able to be more open about our selves and our feelings and fears. Just tonight was one of the worst nights between me and him. I don't want to make excuses for him or me but with him being on all the meds like Oxycontin it will drastically alter his moods and thinking, but where do you draw the line?

I grew up in a home with my mom being completely submissive and a servant to my dad and we walked on egg shells constantly around him since he was so abusive and sometimes violent. We weren't allowed to express our feelings if they were negative or bad and never wanted to rock the boat or spoil the rare good mood he was in.

I don't know, I'm rambling now. I will try to post more later. Sorry this is so long but its the only place I have to get it all out.

[Moontime]

Glad your here. Things will get better, have faith in the process and do what YOU need to do for your recovery.