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07-26-2006, 09:14 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| No more hostages  Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 790
| Sponsor suggestion....ugh!
Hi guys... I have this friend who I have been hanging out with for 2 months. She has 4 months clean, she just started a new job and she just moved from a recovery house into a three-quarter house. She said she moved because she had gotten tired of the rules surrounding the recovery house and I believed her. She made several life changes all around the same time, and to me it looked as if she was getting her life together-BUT- Last night after my meeting, her landlord pulled me aside and told me that he had found out she was "kicked out" of the recovery house for failing a drug test, she lies all the time about everything (including having a new job) and she is actively using Somas. YIKES!!! I totally felt detatched and sick... so I called my sponsor. My sponsor "suggested" I not hang with her anymore and completely end the relationship. My sponsor said it is an unhealthy relationship anyway. I am so confused. Aren't we supposed to be supportive? I relapsed on June 17th and she helped me and didn't leave me... and what if it is untrue? She denies any and all of it... I finally have a "true" friend and now I am just supposed to dump her off? My sponsor knows what's best. I do know that. My friend and I are constantly dependent on one another- and we do kind of isolate our friendship... and I do know that some days I put her recovery above my own... but I care so much about her. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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07-26-2006, 09:52 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| I'm an addict. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
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Hey, I have had this happen to me in my recovery early on. A friend of mine (a guy I have known since 7th grade and met up again with in recovery) was lying to me all the time and I found out he was still using. I had to cut the ties with him. Lying is infectious for me and being around someone that lies so much brings it out in me and when I stop being honest, I'm on the road to relapse....and no one is worth me relapsing over. It all comes down to, what are you willing to do for your recovery? It is a suggestion of your sponsor, whom you picked b/c you respected his recovery, that you stop hanging out with this girl. He believes (and so do I) that she is a danger to your recovery, or else he wouldn't have suggested it. It is in your best interest to let her go and trust that she has a higher power looking out for her just like you have one looking out for you. You can't fix her and you can't keep her from lying. You have to be selfish in your recovery and make sure you take care of your recovery first and foremost. My friend still has yet to put together a month clean, he'll pop in and out from time to time, allways looking a little worse than the last time, but that is his decision, not mine. He knows where the rooms are and if he wants to stay clean he can, with or without me....he'll always have my support through prayer, but I just can't get close to him, it's too dangerous for me, and he'd be better served hanging with someone with alot more cleantime than me anyway. Everything works out the way it's supposed to, have faith.
__________________  Warning: I'm a sick person so take any advice I may be spewing with a grain of salt, but it's what has worked for me, so far. |
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07-26-2006, 09:59 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| I'm an addict. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
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also this doesn't have to me a forever kinda thing, down the road (probably a ways down the road) when she is grounded in her recovery, you and her may be best friends again...take care of today and tomorrow will take care of itself.
__________________ Warning: I'm a sick person so take any advice I may be spewing with a grain of salt, but it's what has worked for me, so far. |
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07-26-2006, 10:12 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| JUST DO IT!!  |
AmyMarie I am glad that you are here. The purpose of Sponsorship that I know of and that is taught around here, and I believe that this is the thing that we really need them for is of course leading us through the Steps. I know that I run a lot of things by my sponsor which helps but he NEVER tells me what to do or what not to do. That is not HIS place. His place is to maybe make suggestions but I am the one that has to make the decision. We have had a lot of people that go back out and use and I am one of them. But I thank God that they have never turned there back on me as friends in the program. That is not what this program is about! This program is about respect and love. I know that if people would have gave up on me I would be dead PERIOD! We need all the support that we can get. Just make sure just like I do that You have some sort of boundaries that is hard because most of us have never had boundaries. I don't give advise that isn't what we do here. WE share our ESH with each other. Love Vic 
__________________ With Love and Respect Vic Life isn't yesterday or tomorrow it is in the now.....  |
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07-26-2006, 10:13 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 790
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Okay, I know what I have to do (my conscience tells me)...but how do I do it? How do you tell someone you love that you can't be a part of their life anymore? We haven't had a falling out, and she is denying any wrong doing....
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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07-26-2006, 10:20 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,597
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Amymarie - I am sorry you are in this situation. Here's my take on it. In early recovery, I was advised to "stick with the winners." This meant women who had good quanity and quality sobriety. Why? Well, I didn't know then, but I understand now... I didn't have good judgement until I was almost a year clean. I was pretty messed up - physically, mentally and emotionally. It was hard for me to be a good judge of my own actions, let alone a good judge of character. I needed a strong, but gentle hand to guide me. This is hard to explain, so bear with me, ok? When I got into the program, even I didn't know how sick I was. It took some time, patience and a lot of hindsight to see it. Newcomers (and, believe it or not, my sponsor considers newcomers to be anyone with less than 2 years clean!  ) need time and space in a healthy environment to get well, to get back on track, to get their thinking and emotions and judgment adjusted. Remember, we are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well.Yes, we care for people and want to help. That is natural, normal and good - it shows compassion. But I keep thinking about someone who is drowning. If I am not a great swimmer and I jump in the water to try to resque them, the chance is pretty good that they will pull me down and drown me, too. But if I call for help and someone who is has been certified as a lifeguard jumps in to save them, the chances are better that they both will come out alive. I dunno... there are no absolutes. I would pray for your friend (she has an HP, too) and dettach with love. Then focus all of your time and energy on your own program of recovery. Just like the drowning scenerio, recovery IS life or death. There are no easy answers, Amymarie. Just offering some perspective. 
__________________ “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Marianne Williamson  |
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07-26-2006, 11:29 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: QUEENS, NY
Posts: 200
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Hi Amy-marie Relapsing is one thing, but lying about it is another. I have compassion for someone who relapses and yes, they do need support and encouragement, but lying about it prevents them from getting the recovery that they need. I have a friend who keeps doing this also, he disappears for 1-2 weeks then comes back and maintans he wasn't drinking when I am sure he was drunk on the phone to me a few times. I keep my distance, not because I don't care but because I am also a newcomer and if he or she can't be honest then I don't want to know. (The AA/NA preamble says it all really) I don't think its about turning you back on this person, but rather letting the more experienced people (more sober time) help her. Love, Rose
__________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear ~ Mark Twain Sobriety date 10/03/05 |
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07-26-2006, 11:38 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 790
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Well, I do know what to do now... It is just like any relationship we enter into...romantic or not...."If it is meant to be, it will be"....period. My friend may not understand right now, but in time, if she works a program of recovery, she will.
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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07-26-2006, 11:46 AM
| #13 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 790
|  Well this is a place for honesty and acceptance...So I accept that of you...
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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07-26-2006, 02:57 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 790
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Ok so I told my friend. She became erratic and defensive, then blamed everyone else for "being out to get her"...my sure sign that perhaps they were right... It hurts ya know? I want to be there for her, and I want to beg her to come clean...but I know it is up to her. So, I have had a very hard time with it today...kind of a mourning of sorts. I feel like...well, I feel like I have lost my best friend. This will pass and I will grow and learn from it. I hope she does too.
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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07-26-2006, 06:29 PM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Forum Leader Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,597
| Quote:
 Look at Amymarie - workin' the program! Awesome! You are a kind, caring soul with a terrific attitude. You'll go far with that combo, my friend. 
__________________ “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Marianne Williamson | |
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07-31-2006, 12:49 PM
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Thank you.
