Self-Sabotage

[skunkape]

Hi, I'm Chris and I'm an addict. I came to SR a few years ago after hitting rock bottom and looking for answers anywhere I could find them. This website was really helpful and steered me in the direction of the NA program which I started attending until I went back out for about a year or so. My latest attempt at recovery is going on 37 days right now and I'm feeling better everyday.

Everyday sober it seems like I discover something new about myself that I never realized. Today I was thinking about my the way my personality works, and I came to the conclusion that the driving force inside me seems to veer towards self destruction. It seems like I'm always looking for the worst in things or coming to depressing conclusions about life, whereas someone else would think about the situation in a completely different light.

Anyways I was just curious if any other addicts out there felt the same way. I feel like this trait was in my personality before I started drugs.

peace

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by skunkape

Anyways I was just curious if any other addicts out there felt the same way. I feel like this trait was in my personality before I started drugs.

Oh yes, Chris. I have a very strong *self-destruct* mode. Whether this is because I was born and addict or whether this contributed to my being an addict is a moot point, IMO - like the chicken and the egg. I dunno it just IS.

I do know that working an honest program of recovery every day, lessens the need to act out this self-desctruction. I also know that it goes way beyond drugs and alcohol. I have a tendency to drive fast and live running around with my hair on fire, for example. Again, the program of recovery helps me balance these tendancies with more healthy behaviours and thoughts.

Great share, Chris. I think we can learn a lot from each other on this.

[Arura]

Me too, I get something together, n in the last few steps i either bottle out, or blow it out.

Constantly beliveing that im not worth anything good in life.Like nice things dont happen for me, not very often anyway.!

Why should i sucssed at anything,Im not good at anything...?

Total rubbish, but its hard to make it sink in that your worth so much more than you even know...!

Thanks

[Moontime]

The First Step in the NA IWHW workbook talks about the internal unmanageability that failure and destruction was a way of life. It's only through working these 12 steps that I have been able to develop a positive power internally. Some days I'm pretty sharp on right on que and listen to that positive power, sometimes I'm so disconnected that I can't hear anything other than desctruction. But what I do have now is awareness and when I feel the destruction coming on, I can call my network, I can call my sponsor and I can pray for my Positive Power to remove the descruction when it's time to be removed. The 5th, 7th, 10th steps show me humility each at a deeper level and in that humility I learn that I am a good person that good things and bad things will happen to me, it's how I react to them is what seperates me from the lunatic that I was to the recovering, loving addict I am today. peace

[godsonmyside]

From: We Do Recover

We get relief through the Twelve Steps which are essential to the recovery process, because they are a new, spiritual way of life that allows us to participate in our own recovery.
From "day one", the Twelve Steps become a part of our lives. At first, we may be filled with negativity, and only allow the First Step to take hold. Later, we have less fear and can use these tools more fully and to our greater advantage. We realize that old feelings and fears are symptoms of our disease. Real freedom is now possible.
As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean. We enjoy a feeling of release and freedom from the desire to use. We find that everyone we meet eventually has something to offer. We become able to receive as well as to give. Life can become a new adventure for us. We come to know happiness, joy and freedom.
There is no model of the recovered addict. When the drugs go and the addict works the Program, wonderful things happen. Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise. Our willingness to grow spiritually keeps us buoyant. When we take the actions indicated in the steps, the results are a change in our personality. It is our action that is important. We leave the results to our Higher Power.
Recovery becomes a contact process; we lose the fear of touching and of being touched. We learn that a simple, loving hug can make all the difference in the world when we feel alone. We experience real love and real friendship.
We know that we are powerless over a disease which is incurable, progressive and fatal. If not arrested, it gets worse until we die. We cannot deal with the obsession and compulsion. The only alternative is to stop using and start learning how to live. When we are willing to follow this course and take advantage of the help available to us, a whole new life opens up. In this way, we do recover.

Keep Coming Back!!! You never have to use again, Just For Today!!

Keep sharing those fears , doubts, and things you dont like feeling, chances are you are not alone. Reality is you are not alone, if you keep coming back dont use and work the 12 Steps, life gets much better, better than I have ever known.

Peace,
Todd J.

[Chance]

My name is Vic and I am an addict! I am happy to know that I am an addict today, and accept the fact that I am. Through the Grace of God, The fellowship of NA/AA, through the Programs that are offered through NA/AA, I haven't had to take a drug (alcohol is a drug) since May 25, 2006 and for that I am eternally grateful.

None of us get here on our best days and yet the best days are what got us here. Most of us don't know how to handle success. Many of us when we were born, have what we call adversity. Most of us are programed to handle adversity, for that is familar ground for us. We know how to get out of the crap that we are in, we have been doing that all of our lives. What N.A. teaches us is how to live a new life better than before. Usually when we start thinking that everything is going well, we are on top of the game, we have it made, that is the time that we really need to hang on.

In the NA Basic Text it says Just For Today, YOU (which I replace with WE) NEVER have to use again. OMG I don't know how many times that I have read that, yet I know today with all of my heart and soul that this statement and many other statements are so true. We have to live the program and if we are going to live the program we have to take the NA Basic Text (and other recovery book) and apply the things that we read to our daily lives. It takes time, and one part of the Program is to accept yourself and others just the way that they are. Glad that You made it back.

Love Vic

[skunkape]

Thanks for all the input guys It really helps. I know one thing is for sure, when I stick around the program my life always gets better. It makes me feel like there is hope for us hopeless addicts.

[dalin]

[b][/Bstick around man..........we need you