I relapsed ARGHH!!!

[kj0975]

Hello everyone I am new here. I detoxed off lortab in april I was clean for 6wks then I started really getting hit hard with mental cravings that drove me nuts about 2wks ago. What can I say they cravings won. My bf has chronic pain as do I he has lortab in the house but it is locked up but he got silly and left his key to the safe out. Boy I thought I was stronger and I wasnt I opened the safe and there was my RX too I was like a kid in a candy store. I dug right in and havent stopped. I do have ligitimate pain but the problem is that I abuse the drug for the high not for pain relief and I wanted to stop taking them due to that fact. Here is where it get weird when I was abusing them I would take 2.5 pills about every 4-6 hrs so usually 5-7/day depending on my day if I was really bored and just wanted to get wrecked somedays more. Now though if I take 2 I want more and more and more and more and it doesnt stop I can take 2.5 and in an hour take 1.5 more its like my body needs to make up for lost time. I dont do it daily but man when I have access to them I love it. I'm really down on myself I knew after the physical w/d's were done the mental ones would come in and take right over. I want to stop so bad but I dont want my bf to know about my little relapse he would be devastated since this was mostly done for our relationship he couldnt live with me as an addict. I was ruining us. I tell him PLEASE hide your key and sometimes I hope he does forget to do it cause then I can take them my mind is really f-ing me here. So Yesterday I took non but today I was in soooo much pain that I took 1/2 of one you know to treat the actual pain and not abuse it. Well now my mind is like we need more. Yes we trying to convince my body too that it needs it. So mind and body are fighting right now. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be clean again. Its funny when your getting clean off these devil pills you get on such a high you think YOUR never going to relapse you get the euphoria and like this king of the world crap going and then let your guard down. Like I'm to good for a relapse. Well guess what I did I just hope that in these 2wks it did not send me to the point of bad w/d's. What do you think? I have to do it this time I have no choice I cant live like this and I dont want to. I will have to make sure that the key gets taken and put in a safe place since being in my hands is the worst place. I just hope I didnt go so overboard that now bf has to suffer until he gets his next script I will feel awful worse than now. He doesnt abuse them so I cant say anything and I was told to tell him to get them out of the house. Well he does live here too and where is he going to go get them at 3am and he is in such pain he can barely walk to his buddies house to get HIS pills. I think that would be unfair its my problem I abuse he shouldnt have to travel for his pills they can be in the house as long as I cant get to them you know what I mean. I will be totally free of this someday I just know it. I got the determination and the strength and I want this more than I have ever wanted anything. Any advice or been there done that story would help me soo much. Thanks again your all great strong people with tons of knowledge.... Meant to be a short post but we all know how that goes. Thanks KJ

[REZ]

Glad you made it here. When you were clean for 6 weeks. You can do it again. Did you try going to NA meetings? NA saved my life and could save yours.

[Locked_Maze]

WOW, your story is soo much like mine, for the exception my b/f is on methadone, he does have serious pain and on oxy cottin slow release, well he has been giving me more than one 10 mgs a pill so yeah i took the 2 pills, knowing i did not need the second one, i knew i would not get high, i just took it and he is abusing the oxy cottin too, well he got me some perc's about 4 today he gave me two! God he knows well enough I will crush and sniff em, did that plus the 20 mgs of oxy cottin oral and then i found anothe opxy so that well was 30 mgs, i want to stop i tried cold turkey to wak up second day shakes were so bad i thought i was going to have a seizure and the anxiety was horrific, so before i took any opiates i took 50 mgs a vailum, one xanax, an Rx i have no issue with, no addiction to tranqs, only opiates and he knows all to well, i think he wants m,e all messed up like him, ohhh God he ate all his xanax in 2 weeks so i think he wants me to be really bad where he can gwet my xanax from me, i know the game, what the addictioal mind is like is insane. I haver to add that good for you that you got off them, so you sliped and i am sorry for that, i have not yet been clean to get to the level where one craves these devil pills, yeah that is what they are till you are so high and feeling good, i am like i am in love with this pill, i crush and sniff them, bad for the damage they may have done to me, i find out 6/15th and i will not be clean, i lied and said i was so when doctor sees me well, god i have to be put away in rehab, yet i really don't want methadone, i really don't it is harder to get off of thean the pills from what i was told.

your 6 weeks clean, no one can take that from you, i am wondering why your b/f is leaving the key out?
could he be testing you?

let us know how you are doing...

[Phinneas]

Well folks, this is the NA forum for a reason. NA is a program of recovery and a way of life that supports us in getting and STAYING clean and sober.

I think it's probably time to try it out, eh? When I kept quitting and couldn't stay stopped I hit a point of desperation so bad that I was willing to try anything. That's when I learned it was so much more than just putting down the drugs. It's about learning a whole new way of living. It can be done. We do recover. There IS hope.

May you find it now.

[Time2Surrender]

KJ, I am glad your here. I relapsed time after time. I went to NA and gave it 110%. I followed all the suggestions. Saturday I celebrated one year clean. You can do this too. Stick around and give it another try. When you get to where you want recovery more than drugs, things will start to change.

[kj0975]

Doing alot better have been really strong and not eating them anymore. I dont think he was testing me since hes not an addict like I am he just figured I went through my withdrawls and was just over it. Well that was just stupid thinking he just doesnt get it. But I have tried to explain. I have taken 1/2 of one in 3 days so I feel good about that. I have heard that oxy's and methadone are very hard to get off of and the w/d's are alot worse plus with snorting them its even harder. You really have to have the determination to do it. Ok I know who am I to preach. Usually with those at about 5-7 days you start to turn the corner from what I have heard. Whats 5-7 days when you have years (365 days x the rest of your life). I would be careful mixing all those drugs together your more likley to do alot more harm to yourself such as a coma, od, or worse. I really hope you get the help you need and get clean. Its hard when you have someone there feeding your addiction too. Sounds like he likes it when you abuse with him so he doesnt feel alone in this mess. Well my w/d's arent bad at all not sure if its my mind or not saying I'm feeling something or its 90 degrees out and thats whats causing the sweats.lol. Well getting back on track. AGAIN! KJ

[Nickaddict]

Have you tried going to a NA meeting? You'll find a lot of love and suport there.
You don't have to do it alone anymore - there is a way out through the 12 steps of recovery, if you want it.

If it wasn't for the fellowship of NA I would have used, for example, last sunday. But by applying some simple principles (like calling fellow recovering addicts, meeting with them and grabbing a NA meeting) I stayed clean.

Give it a try

Nick.

[Chance]

Relapse is not necessarily a bad thing, if in fact we learn from each of them. Everything in life, either good, bad, indifferent, are all learning experiences. We learn from each other also, some of us have a harder time in staying clean than others. Yet we are all students and teachers. We help each other, no matter what.

I know for me that there is no way that I can do this deal alone. I have to have people in my life that understand, and that are not going to judge me. Those people are here, meetings, family, and friends. I hope that you give yourself a break. None of us have this thing down, we Just have to do it for today.

Love Vic

[awis25]

Yep mee too...Relapse is sooo easy with them pills. Its like they are screaming your name and then you get all sysched up to take them and sit and wait like 20 mins for it to hit you...God I know soo well...I am now detoxing (med.), I couldn't deal with CT!!! I have gone through the full physical part of the wd before, but I still have some of the little affects and Massive mental ones.....I am trying now to get my life back...Hang in there ....It is hard as hell I know, but you have to do it sometime..