I wanna use.

[namommy]

Plain and simple, I feel like numbing myself, I want to use.

I have too many bad things going on right now.
My husbands heart attack and surgery,
Our financial mess because he had no health insurance,
my son crushed his finger last night under an iron sewer grate, and had to go to the plastic surgeon today. He can't stitch it because right now it is basically hamburger.
My oldest daughter is in the ER right now with a gall bladder attack, they might keep her, and I don't have a car to get there to be with her right now.
About 2 hours ago we found out that someone else we know died, she was 51 years old, and she died because of a hospital f*** up.
Steve and I are fighting BIG TIME right now, and I just want to kick him you know where.
If I had a car right now, I don't know what I would be doing or where I would be going, but it wouldn't be good.
I know I posted this in the women's forum too, but I just feel stir crazy, I want to scream, I want to use, I want to smoke a cigarette (2 months smoke free tomorrow), I just don't want to 'Be" anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, BTW, I have 9 years, 9 months, and 2 days clean. I've been told that alot of people go out between 9 and 10 years. I don't want to be one of them, but then again I do. Does that make sense? I don't know.

[suze37]

Hi I,m sorry you are feeling so low.

I,m not suprised with everything your dealing with!!
One thing that comes to my mind is WHAT A STRONG INCREDIABLE WOMAN YOU MUST BE!!
Please try and imaigin what your reply would be if someone else had wrote this post?
It would be so sad for all your 9 years of determination to go down the pan.
Hang in there ... try to stop worring about everyone else I,m sending you a big hug
Thinking of you Suze

[Time4Change]

Geez Louise, namommy! God must think you've got some damned huge shoulders, huh? You sure are going through a boatload right now. I don't blame you for wanting to numb out. Now, girl, you KNOW you just can't do that, though. It's not an option, k? But .... there are a few other ways to detach for a while, put the problems at arm's distance and catch your breath. A warm bubble bath, a soothing face mask, and an extra large chocolate milkshake by your side, with some soft music playing in the background sounds like a little piece of heaven, doesn't it? Any chance of stealing even a half hour away from it all and unwinding a bit? Sounds like it's a TOP priority right now. I'll PM you my phone number, too, k? Please, please call me before you do anything you'll regret. You saved my ass more times than you know when I was a newcomer last summer.

I'll say a prayer for you and your family, Laurie. God loves you, and I love you. This WILL pass ....

Love, Kelly

[namommy]

Thanks suze,
I am kind of afraid to get up from my computer. I have been clicking around the internet just to keep myself occupied. I guess it's probably better for right now.

[namommy]

Thanks Kelly,
I had just posted at the same time you did. We all know what a hard-a$$ I can be when it comes to crying. Well, I am sitting here on the verge of crying, but it ain't coming all the way. I don't even want to stop myself right now. I think I will feel better if I do.

BLAH!!!!!!

[greeteachday]

Sweetheart, I am usually on "the other side" with the naranon stuff, but I saw the subject line on your post and had to read. Wow!! you do have way too much going on for you right now, but using will only amplify the problems, not make them better, don't ya think? I think a good cry may help...sometimes just getting all those emotions out really helps to get it over with and realize some of the built up tension. Maybe if you can close your eyes for just a moment and let your HP know that at this point you have to hand some of the worry over for a little bit and let him take the wheel. Would a long walk help or soimething to let off some of the tension? You are so strong and you have a right to be feeling overwhelmed. Just let it out, it WILL be okay, I promise. Prayers for you and your whole family that things will start looking brighter real soon. Big hugs!!

[godsonmyside]

Like we have heard before, "If drugs are the answer, Whats the question"? Creating more problems makes more sense to us because thats how we do.

I know you can make it through this storm, keep reaching out and folks are there to help you and love you through this. I bet your not as a hard A$$ as you say or thing you are, maybe just bound up a bit, take some exlax and let it go.

Love ya,
Todd J.

[Rho]

(((namommy))) Sorry to hear all the drama going on, really I am but don't use. You'll just have more drama to deal with and you already now the battle to clean that area of life up. keep coming to the rooms, go to meetings, read do something positive to release the drama from the mind. I know it is much easier to say. It may sound silly but I color I color a lot to help me relax. I have been clean for 2 years, and almost 3 months and I don't ever want to turn back to drugs, don't thinkI never think of it I want to escape from reality and ALL the drama in my life, but I rather be a strong, loving, caring mother and DRUG FREE PERSON that I have so proudly become, especailly after wathing my AH (whom has not lived with me since 2/21/04, my clean start date) relapse Over and over and over again. Not worth it Be strong say a pray believe in your higher power.

[The_Hammer]

I don't know if the desire to use ever goes away completely. I have 8 years 64 days sober, I still think about it from time to time, not always when things are going badly either!

The main issue with me, is that when I think about using, something isn't just right with my program. Sometimes I like to take out some old character defects and play with them for awhile and lo and behold, "using behavior" visits me anew.

Just food for thought namommy, all I have to offer is my own experience, strength and hope. I hope it helps.

Blessings,

Jimmy

[Peter]

I am sorry you have so much to endure at one time but I believe you already know that using is not going to help.

I have been clean the same time as you so personally I feel I need you to hang around for me too. Let's not prove the statistics right.

[best]

Originally Posted by namommy

Thanks Kelly,
I had just posted at the same time you did. We all know what a hard-a$$ I can be when it comes to crying. Well, I am sitting here on the verge of crying, but it ain't coming all the way. I don't even want to stop myself right now. I think I will feel better if I do.

BLAH!!!!!!

No need... I am doing it for you.

*HUGE HUG* for a wonderful and beautiful lady.

Love you my friend.

[lostnalone95]

hey, i know exactly how you feel, but just like you reminded me using your DOC again isn't the answer and it definately isn't going to help. i do however recommend a good long hard cry.......i have had many of those recently and i swear to god they are cathartic........and remember unless it is food or h2o, coffee, tea, or soda then it is npo for you........and no smokes chew some gum instead or eat some mints they're much healthier for you......i'm thinking about you.....hang in there........hugs

rachel

[Smyle]

I was just wondering how you were doing this morning?

I hope you got a little more sleep than the other night.

Thinking of you....

[Time4Change]

Originally Posted by godsonmyside

I bet your not as a hard A$$ as you say or thing you are, maybe just bound up a bit, take some exlax and let it go.

Hee!
That cracked me up, Todd! Very cute!

How ya doin' today, Laurie? Did you get a little time to relax last night? Please let us know how your daughter is doing, and your husband, and your poor son's finger (ouch).

Love you!

Kelly

[namommy]

update time.

Thank you for all of the replies. They really mean alot just to know that people here care enough to reach back. I've shared before, that we tell new comers that they have to reach out for help, but it does no good if no one reaches back to offer a hand. Here at SR, I always get a hand reaching back. Thank you.

OK, major melt down, screaming match around here last night that really helped. We both got things out, and squared away. We then sat and wactched American Idol together, and got to bed early. (10:30 last night, 6 1/2 hours sleep, woo hoo)

I am still very tired, and overwhelmed, but getting better. I took a hot bath last night, with a book I've been trying to find time to read, and then kicked back in the recliner for Idol. The book is: "What if Jesus had never been born?" It raises some good questions to think about.

Steve is OK. He is having alot of pain in his back and ribs tonite, but he is trying to not let it get to him too much. He knows he has too keep moving a little to work it out.

My daughter spent 10 hours in the ER, only for them to tell her it isn't her gall bladder, they are really not sure what it is, maybe an ulcer (most likely) and sent her home. She had 2 doctors appointments today, on with her primary and one with a Gastro enterologist. I haven't heard from her yet to get that report.

My son is OK. His finger hurts, but he is hanging in there. He went to his ala-teen meeting tonite, I'm glad he chose to go. I think there is a cute girl there that he likes. He's 14, and he smelled like he used a 1/2 gallon of cologne before he went. The bandaged hand should help him get a few sympathy points. lol

All in all, feeling much better. thanks.

[margo]

(((((((Laurie))))))) I missed this yesterday. Amazing how a good fight can help clear the air. I'm glad you're feeling better today, and just wanted to send you some supportive hugs. Hang in there, girl!