Living In The Past...Losing Hope For The Future

[fallen_angel_rb]

I realized today that I have been living in the past. I went to my friend's place after the meeting tonight for coffee, and was venting about my ex. I was saying all the usual breakup stuff about how I don't care, and it doesn't bother me and how he treated me like **** anyway, and everything else, when in reality I feel like I'm dying inside. I saw him leave the meeting with a girl he had a couple of one night stands with before we got together, and I thought to myself "That *******! I'm sure he just did that right in front of me. We haven't even been apart a week and he's already messing around with her again and right in front of my face!" I was so angry and hurt. I kept thinking to myself about how maybe I don't deserve better, and how even the guy who treated me like **** doesn't even want me so there must be something wrong with me. I thought about it alot tonight and realized that I saw some things in him when we first got together that I saw in other exes and chose to ignore it. I should have known better, but I thought like always thta he would be different. That he wasn't just going to use me for sex because I am attractive to look at. I was wrong and he did. I just want to find that someone who loves me for me and want to be with me in a relationship that is long lasting. I feel like I am never going to find him. One of my friends said tonight that the sick attract the sick and that until I am healthy I won't find that good guy. My only question is: what if I never get healthy? I don't want to be stuck in this pattern forever. I know that I have to stop living in the past and work on the present and maybe this was a good thing that we broke up because I wasn't focusing on me or my recovery as much as I should have. Now I have time to do it. I just feel like I am never going to find that right guy and that I am going to keep ending up with guys that treat me like **** and just use me for sex. I am losing the hope that there is someone out there for me, and that I am destined to be alone forever. If there is anyone out there that has the opposite opinion and may be able to dissuade me in my thinking please feel free to reply to this and let me know. If you know that I can find a loving happy relationship in recovery, let me know, because I'm getting hopeless and I want to be hopeful for my future.

Fallen Angel

[best]

The first step towards getting healthy is realizing that you are sick.

The second part of getting healthy would be seeking treatment (solutions).
When I am sick I cough and then go to the DR. He gives me medicine (solutions) that help me get better. It isn't an instant cure, it takes a little time but before I know it, I am feeling better.

So where are you at? You see the need. You are going to meetings.
You are on the way to getting healthy. Keep working on your recovery and before you know it...you will see and feel how healthy you are.
You may want to look on the Nar Anon boards. What you could gain there may help you better deal with his behavior and the past.

Keep working on you and your own recovery and you will soon see how healthy you are becoming.

[Peter]

Is it possible for you to go to another meeting where you know your ex won't be there?

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by fallen_angel_rb

My only question is: what if I never get healthy? I don't want to be stuck in this pattern forever.

By working an honest program of recovery, you will learn and grow and get healthy. There is also outside help to consider, like a good therapist.

My suggestion is to not to get into or worry about a new relationship for awhile. It's important to focus on you and your recovery. That's how we get healthy. And for some - like me - it is a lifelong process!

Take it easy on yourself, Fallen Angel. Focus on doing the "next right thing" and you will be fine.

[fallen_angel_rb]

To answer your question Peter: In my city there are sometimes 2 different meetings on the same night but for the most part only 1, therefore I would have to either skip meetings or go to another city, and right now I have no transportation. I don't drive, no car, no license. On top of all that my 1 year celebration is in a 10 days, (I had to put it off because of ORCNA) and when we broke up last week he said he is still coming to my celebration. I don't know if I really want him there to celebrate with me but I also know I can't stop him from going to a meeting. That is not in my control if he goes. At the same time this isn't a good time for me to stop meetings either with the state that I am in....

Fallen Angel

[Moontime]

I can relate I used to make lonliness my higher power and it had me doing the same exact things you are doing. It had me saying nobody's going to love me I should settle for this... It had me saying "anyone, anybody please just be with me..." I was searching and searching and searching for any person that would make me feel whole. I was searching for happiness in someone else that I already didn't have. I can tell you this if your looking for something in someone else that you don't already have like faith,trust,love and happiness, you will struggle not just through recovery but you will struggle through life. It's ok to take some time for yourself to get to know yourself again. It's ok to be alone with your Higher Power. It's ok to develop relationships with woman and your Higher Power. You don't have to search anymore than in your heart and your connection with your higher power. I've been down this road that your on and it wasn't until I was filled with my HP, did he let me turn that page. I kept repeating the same mistakes like you did and my HP met me on the same page, the same sentence, the same punctuation mark until I finally got it. Until my HP became the void filler, then the page was turned. I would've never had gotten here either until I worked a 4th step and sort through the patterns and behaviors that controlled my life. I saw my part in situations and saw what I wanted to let go. I didn't know any of this until I worked a 4th step. Any chaos I put myself into today, I'm a willing participant. I volunteer for chaos today if I choose too and it's nobody's fault but mine. I hope you take this time to love yourself. We will love you til you love yourself. Love and Hugs,
Jason B