Helping the "unstable" newcomer?

[Time4Change]

For the past few months, I've been in charge of keeping the women's phone list updated, and I really enjoy reaching out to the newcomer, handing out the phone list, circling my name and asking them to call me. I'm starting to feel more comfortable offering to give rides to and from meetings, or just trying to pay more attention to newcomers. It helps me a lot, and it feels good giving back what was so freely given to me .... however .... has anyone ever had a newcomer kind of "twist off" on them or the group? For the first time since going to NA, I've suddenly become very fearful of one of our newcomers. She has completely abused the whole phone thing ... I'm talkin' calling every hour on the hour, just wanting to talk and talk and talk about her life, but won't come up for a breath so I can ask her what she wants to do about her recovery and would she like to know what NA suggests. She just wants to talk, not listen. For a while I figured she was nervous, didn't really understand how NA worked, needed to be heard, etc., so I gave her a break and just let her go on and on. Pretty soon I found myself not wanting to answer my phone when I'd see her number on Caller ID. Her messages would become more and more nasty and annoyed towards me. She'd start going down the women's phone list and border-line "harrassing" the other women, doing the exact same thing with them. She'd come to meetings and complain how nobody would help her and she thought that's what we were supposed to do for the newcomer. She's become very pushy, bossy, aggressive. Her sponsor (God bless her) has limited her to three phone calls a day. Once those three calls to her sponsor are made, she'll start calling the other women and leave angry, aggressive messages. She'll demand someone pick her up, or intimidate others to bring her home. I started to distance myself from her because I didn't like what I was seeing and feeling, and I need to be selfish and focus on my recovery.

Well, last night, during the "burning desire" part of our meeting, she spoke up (though her sponsor has told her not to speak at meetings yet) and stated that she seriously wants to kill someone right now; "and I mean kill her! That's it." We all kind of sat stunned for a second, then finished up the meeting. I found myself bolting out of the meeting, and while driving home, I felt angry that I'm letting myself be intimidated by her, or that I'm letting her get in the way of my recovery. I really have a hard time telling someone I need space, or to please not call me so much, or I can't give them exclusively a ride every single meeting; they're supposed to reach out to others, also.

When someone seems mentally unstable at an NA meeting, do we have an obligation to them, or to the group, or is it just something that happens once in a while?

[Blake]

Some of us are sicker than others....

If you don't feel comfortable or safe working with her, then don't....especially after she threatened you with violence.

If she has an honest desire to stay clean, she will and she'll reach out to other women.....if she is looking for an excuse to detach herself from NA and go get loaded, she'll find one.

Just remember that you can't fix her.

I was told that I have to love everyone sitting in the circle, but I don't have to like any of them.

[michski]

I have had a similiar experience with a woman who shared the same sponsor as I. Luckily for me she burned enough bridges within the program that she finally moved on, did a geographical and took her illness somewhere else.

I agree with Blake.. Some are sicker than others and all we can do is to hope that somehow they will get the help (medication?) that they need. Take care of yourself and remember YOUR sobriety comes first.

[Time4Change]

Originally Posted by Blake

Some of us are sicker than others....

So true, Blake. The thing is, she's mentioned many times that her family questions her desire to attend NA meetings, because they don't think she's an addict. And after putting together different conversations I've had with her, it seems (and this is me totally talkin' outta my arse) like she has more of an addiction to attention than addiction to drugs. If one of us doesn't answer the phone one night, she'll come to the meeting the next evening and say, "I OD'ed twice last night on Motrin". It didn't make any sense to me. She's on BiPolar meds, but a week or so she was in a rage at the meeting and said she'd gone off them, threw them away. *yikes* I told her that wasn't a good idea. She should talk to her doctor. There's a reason she's on those, and she shouldn't just stop cold-turkey. It was then that I started feeling like she was wanting attention, and would get angry when some members, including me, would just give her a hug and say, "Have you talked to your sponsor about it? Call me if you need a ride. Goodnight". I watch other unsuspecting women get sucked into the drama, then slowly pull themselves out of it, while she seeks out another person. She sees a therapist three times a week, also. I'm really scared for her. If we see a member exhibiting questionable mental issues, possibly violent (to self or others) is it our business or our responsibility to step in and get her professional help?

If you don't feel comfortable or safe working with her, then don't....especially after she threatened you with violence.

Oh, and she had been on her cell phone for most of the meeting, outside the room, so I think that was the person she was referring to wanting to kill. How are we to know when someone who's exhibiting signs of mental illness is serious about a threat?

Just remember that you can't fix her.

Thank you, Blake. I always appreciate your advice.

Originally Posted by michski

Take care of yourself and remember YOUR sobriety comes first.

I will, michski. Thanks so much for your kind words of advice. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have a little co-dependency lurking in my addiction, as well.

As I was writing this, this thought came to me .... I will pray for her.

I love you guys!

Kelly

[paramedic9742]

sounds like a attention seeker to me.

[Blake]

As far as someone with a mental illness making a threat, take ALL of them seriously, it's better to overreact that not do anything and end up regretting it later...someone that could possibly be sociopathic is a very dangerous person that could snap and hurt someone and not think twice about it.

I dated a girl that was bipolar (the whole Sarah thing back in august-october last year) and she would go insane off her meds. She kept making threats about wanting to kill herself so one night I called 911 and the cops and an ambulance came and got her and brought her to the hospital....she stopped telling me she wanted to kill herself after that.

[Moontime]

I hope she stays in NA. I remember when I had about 60 days and I was in NY visiting my dad. One guy who didn't have much more time than me was saying how he hasn't been hitting many meetings and have been calling for rides etc... Then one old timer said "NA isn't a Taxi service, what the Bleep did you do to cop some dope??" Hang in there Kelly!

[Gooch]

Only thing I can add to this is take a deep breath and say a serious prayer for her that she get exactly what she needs.