crack addiction and pregnant

[hartsellelady]

hi! im 3 months pregnant and got off crack about a week or two before I got pregnant and stayed clean until last week. So I've used once since I been pregnant and i feel just horrible. How could I do that I keep asking myself. Im also taking care of my mother that was in a car wreck in janurary and she cant walk now.. and shes addicted to pills now.. well she was before, they caused her accident and I know I can't change her.. I just left my fiance the day after my relapse because I realised I can't be clean and be with someone who isn't willing to not use especially when he does it right there in front of me. I keep asking myself how did this happen.. how did I ever get hooked on crack, i used to see people on the streets and make little snide remarks "eek look at that crackhead!" now i've been addicted for a year.. ANd I'm so scared asking myself what If I can't beat this.. even if I don't use my whole pregnancy from now on out.. and do after the baby is born.. then I remember one day at a time..im just real scared and feel so alone. I quit going to meetings in Janurary when I first relapsed then was off drugs but not going to NA because I felt so ashamed and everyone would Know I used because I haven't been in any meetings. I think im just over run with shame and I don;t know how to deal with it.

[Chance]

(((((Hartsellelady)))))

My name is Vic and I am an addict! I too know how you feel even though I am not pregnant > I have a thread here in the NA forum I'm Still ALIVE. I smoked crack on valentines day and made light of the drug, and my disease. Didn't know why crack addicts couldn't just put it down. Well I found out why..! I know also that it is just a day at a time.

I remember once hearing someone say that they know they will stay clean because they were pregnant and yet that same person used. It did cause her a miscarriage. It was hard for her, but this disease doesn't care if we are pregnant, wealth, poor, alone or whatever. It just wants us dead! Some of us have to learn the hard way, and it seems that I am one of them people. I am clean today and I have been for almost two weeks, but today really is all that we have to worry about and actually we don't have to worry about it either.

I am glad that your here and it isn't that other person it is us that we have to take care of. If you ever need to talk I am here and even though I am not in the same position as you, I do understand. I am sending good thoughts your way.

Love Vic

[Blake]

Get back to meetings asap...I've allways heard this saying in the rooms, "you can't save your face and your ass at the same time." and it's true. Sometimes we let our junky pride keep us away from recovery b/c that is what our disease wants and it tells us that we are not worthy and we don't deserve it and we should be embarassed, but it's all a lie. THere are plenty of people in NA that have relapsed and there are plenty of people in NA that have used while pregnant...there is no shame in comming back to NA, there is only shame in stay out b/c of ego and pride.

I'm sure that there will be some people that are glad your back and happy to see you. Get to a meeting, and stick around no matter what happens, we need you.

Later,
Blake

[Madalaina]

Hi hartsellelady!!

I understand what you are going through. I know someone who is 6 mos. pregnant and relapsed on cocine about 2 wks. ago. She came to me and asked me to help her. We got her into a detox and then she will go into a sober living house. My point is this... You are not the only woman out there, that has used during her pregnancy. Hell, I was on methadone throughout my WHOLE pregnancy, so I do understand how you feel. The important thing, I believe, is that you are aware of what you are doing, and you don't like it. You are reaching out for help, and that is AWESOME!!! Get yourself to a meeting QUICK. And get a sponsor if you don't have one. Start working steps. That is where you are going to get your relief. The most important thing... Your relationship with you HP. Get him back in your life, not to say that he has EVER left you, because I don't believe that he did, just get back in touch with him. Surrender again, my friend!!!


You are in my prayers!!!
Alissa

[grateful2bsober]

Hi, One of the things I always said I'd never do is, if I got pregnant I wouldn't use no matter what pain I had to go through.Well like many things I'd said Id never do, I did. I shot coke the 1st 8 MONTHS of my pregnancy. The guilt and shame kept me using. I finally surrendered ,left the abusive relationship I was in and went into a program. I too, thought what type of person am I to hurt my innocent baby-but remember, addiction is not a moral deficiency, meaning the things we do are not cuz we're bad people, its because we have a disease.Through the grace of god my son was born healthy and perfect. I strongly reccomend u find womens meetings(NA) in your area bcuz its more common than u think, and at womens meetings Ive found women are more apt to open up and share honestly. The compassion,love and understanding in womans meetings has helped me tremendously. I guess in ur situation going into a treatment isn't an option but if Im wrong, please consider it. Treatment is such a huge help and support when ur trying to get clean I was lucky and got into trearment with others moms . U are not a bad person, remember that. I know exactly all the feelings u are going through so if u ever wanna talk send me a pm. U are not alone, please get to a womans meeting-or any meeting, for u and ur baby. With love, Melisss

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by grateful2bsober

... but remember, addiction is not a moral deficiency, meaning the things we do are not cuz we're bad people, its because we have a disease.

Please, please, please get to detox, rehab, NA, your local hospital - anything to help you now. Now is when you need support the most. Recovery is there for you, but you've got to reach out and grab it.

Prayers for you and yours.

[hartsellelady]

Hi guys!! thanks so much for all the feedback and support. I went to a meeting tonight! About an hour before It started I said Im going, i bathed and fed my son, gave my mom her night meds and went. I have been putting it off because I felt guilty for leaving them even for a few hours but my step dad came in hes a truck driver and I said this is perfect. So, anyhow.. It felt really good.. All the welcome backs and hugs and I didn't speak but I cried and cried, got my white keyring again and felt so greatful to be back. Not so alone. I would love to go into a detox or rehab but I don't have anyone to live with my mom and son while I do it. I'm trying best I know how to do this maybe thats why its so hard, Im trying to help everyone else and myself too and I feel so overwhelmed at times. I got a phone list sheet and need to get it out the car and call my sponsor I had before.. I wonder if she will be mad at me? Im thinking No.. nobody was mad tonight. Just glad to see me back.

[Phinneas]

Great news, hartsellelady! So glad you went to a meeting and are using those phone numbers. Remember - we don't shoot our wounded.

As far as juggling your recovery with everyone elses needs, consider this: if I don't have my recovery, I don't have ANYTHING else - not my family, friends, job, car, or life. That's how it is for me, anyway. I really encourage you to make your recovery number one. You will be a better mom, daughter, caregiver, worker... a better human being.

Glad to celebrate your prgress with you, dear one. Keep the faith one minute, hour and day at a time.

[hartsellelady]

thanks Phinny Yeah, its getting alot easier to tell my mom Im going to a meeting. Before I like said I felt so bad for leaving her but she knows I need NA and I know it also. Sometimes I take my son with me if shes not feeling well. Yesterday she had a dr appt in town where the meeting is anD i went to a noon meeting I just took her and let her relax on the couch at the meeting. Everyone was ok with that. Also went to one lastnight. I talked to my sponsor and were are talking everyday and stuff. Its good. So im still clean.. hasnt been too hard yet.. somedays are better than others thats for sure.

[emilyajb]

Hartsellelady

I think you have done brilliantly in recognising that you needed to get to a meeting.
I would like to wish your mum and son well, but above all on you coming back to these boards and voicing on whats going on for you at the moment.
It is a possitive act in you doing this part of recovery and everyone on here.

I am coacaine addict i have had 8 months treatment detox and then rehab i finished last summer.
I also have 3 children 18 20 23.
I started to use when they were younger 7 9 12.

Today is another day

Keep well

Emily

[hartsellelady]

thank you emily I'm proud of you for being able to stay clean. I'm really trying this time. I know that a major part of not using for me anyways is staying away from my fiance.. ex fiance now i guess and my old friends even though I didn't have many. The ones I did have all used. I sometimes wish i could go into rehab but I really can't. I have to take care of my mom and my son, i know recovery comes first but I'm not at a point to just leave them.. she cant walk so.. its rough. and shes an addict also. which is pretty stressful lately.

[The_Hammer]

about this program. It will never let you use comfortably again if you had ever worked it in the past. Now the key is to get right back in the saddle again. Not one of those people around the tables is going to judge you. It takes a lot of courage to takle a life without substances and we all know it. Very few have got it right the very first time. And even if they do, "no one among us has every maintained anything like perfect adherence to all these principles.."

So get right back in girl!

[emilyajb]

Hartsellelady

Thank-you you are so kind, i hope you are ok ? is there any chance of getting a councillor so you have someone to talk to about recovery and everything that is going on for you.
Coming here to these boards are a good thing also.
I will be looking out for you please stay safe.
I understand how hard it is i have put my family through hell and back.

Concerned

Emily

[hartsellelady]

thanks guys again. Maybe I could get in this quest out patient program im just so scared for anyone like that to know im pregnant because i am scared i'll lose my child even if im not using now. I lost my 6 yr old for a year to foster homes and it just really scares me I guess. I would Love to have someone I can talk to though. I have my sponsor and the people in the meetings and you guys too, your great

[Phinneas]

((((hartsellelady))))

I think participating in ANY kind of recovery program such as NA and/or IOP shows your commitment to staying clean throughout your pregnancy and (I hope) beyond.

You say your mom is an addict, too? That worries me because I know that for me, I can't be around any type of drugs or medication without being triggered. It does get better, but in early recovery, we have to be so very careful and protect our sobriety.

Good for you for the work you are doing in recovery. Keep reaching out to your sponsor, working those steps and attending meetings. That is, IMO, the best thing you can do for yourself.

[hartsellelady]

Originally Posted by Phinneas

((((hartsellelady))))

I think participating in ANY kind of recovery program such as NA and/or IOP shows your commitment to staying clean throughout your pregnancy and (I hope) beyond.

You say your mom is an addict, too? That worries me because I know that for me, I can't be around any type of drugs or medication without being triggered. It does get better, but in early recovery, we have to be so very careful and protect our sobriety.

Good for you for the work you are doing in recovery. Keep reaching out to your sponsor, working those steps and attending meetings. That is, IMO, the best thing you can do for yourself.

yeah my mom is active. now that shes out of pills shes ready to come off them she says.. shrug.. shes scared because she ran out and the doctor wont call her in any more til friday. she says if she gets sick and all that she wont take them when they call them in. i have a hard time believing that but we'll see. Pills aren't a problem for me really. sometimes i tell myself i could take one of her xanex's and go to sleep and I'd feel better but no, i dont do it. I gave her pils back to her lastnight and told her to take them responcibly but I can't hold them and give them to her any longer. I really needed to do that I think.

[emilyajb]

How are you today i have been thinking of ya.

Stay safe

Emily

[hartsellelady]

im great! made it to 2 meetings today. today is day 14 for me and tomorrow is my 27th bday! yesterday was a little rough because it was my ex-fiances birthday and i think i mentioned I left him the day after I used last because he still uses. he says he dont have a problem but i know different and i cant be around him. so i didn't call him or anything and i cried lastnight because i do love him and i miss him and i wanted him to know that but at the same time i know i cant talk to him. not right now at least. maybe when the baby gets here i will tell him its here.. he knows im pregnant though. he says he misses me and loves me and all that but i just cant risk the big chance that I will use again even calling him.

[cinderellawkids]

Keep up the good work, you can do it.

[emilyajb]

HARTSELLELADY

I am happy that you are good, i wish you a happy birthday for tommorow.
I will be on line tommorow, i have no college tommorow (smiling).
Keep thinking positive and keep those meetings going, i hope your mum is well and your child.

Thinking of you

Emily

[Phinneas]

((((hartsellelady))))

Happy Birthday!

[Hope]

Happy birthday Hartsellelady!!