Guidelines for Male Sponsor/Female Sponsee

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I am hoping to get some NA expert advice on the role of a Sponsor.

I am dating a recovering drug addict for 7 years. He has been in recovery for 12 years. He has taken on a role of a Sponsor. I have always been highly supportive of his role and his journerny through recovery until recently. He has been a sponsor to (2) men for over a year and has recently added on (2) female sponsee's. I am having trouble with his role of Sponsor to the women.

My question is:

Is it right for a NA male sponsor to see female sponsee's in the privacy of his home - alone? He seems to be spending several nights a week - way into the late hours of the night - sometimes - midnight, meeting with these women. He meets with them on separate nights and tells me I am not allowed over because it makes these women uncomfortable when I am around. They call him all hours of the day and evening - sometimes very late. I thought there was some kind of NA rule that men should sponsor men and women should sponsor women. I guess I am feeling a little jealous but is this feeling uncalled for and is he right in this present setup? He has said there is no rule and he will contine to sponsor them wheather I am uncomfortable or not.

I appreciate any feedback. I want to be supportive but something just seems to feel wrong about this new setup. I want to know the rules of a sponser within the NA group and how can I be supportive of his new role with these women, if this is acceptable. I have posted on another forum but feel I can get my answer here from all the sponsors out there.

Thanks!

[Moontime]

wow, I don't know what to say. I don't have any experience here but I'm glad you are here.

[Blake]

it's a dangerous situation and it's suggested against.

are yall from a small town with few NA members? If not, the women would probably be better served with a woman sponsor...a man just can't relate to all the stuff a woman goes through in their recovery.....but that's just my opinion.

[Phinneas]

We STRONGLY SUGGEST same gender sponsor / sponsee relationships. I think this is a definite red flag situation.

The best advice I got coming into the rooms was - stick with the women.

Have you checked out the Naranon forum here? It's terrific and I know you'll get lots of info and support there.

[godsonmyside]

If it quacks like a Duck, ITS A DUCK!!!!!!!

Peace,
Todd J.

[REZ]

He's your boyfriend, right? Sounds like meeting with other women 3 nights a week would be a problem, even if they are not "sponsees." This situation smells very rotten. I find it hard to believe that anybody with 12 years of recovery would do this, unless he/she is acting out on some addictive behavior. Doesn't he understand the problem with this?

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Yes, He is my boyfriend but probably for not much longer. He unfortunately does not understand the problem. I expressed my feelings and told him in a loving and caring way how uncomfortable this made me. He has totally disregarded my feelings and can now only think of himself and his sponsees. It is like he is obsessed with this. I said earlier, he told me not to come over his house when he is seeing these women because it makes them uncomfortable with me there. I am never in the same room and always give him his privacy when he is meeting with a sponsee and I have always encouraged him. He also told me he asked his sponsor and his sponsor said it would be fine to meet with these females. I guess I just don't get it. I thought NA was more controlled.

Now one of the female sponsees is lying to her boyfriend and has not told him that she is seeing a male sponser, working on the sex idol section. She just continues to call my boyfriend on a regular basis just to talk small talk.

Thanks for replying to this, I was really not sure if I had a right to feel this uncomfortable with the situation. I can see now that it goes much deeper and he is using this situation maybe to get out of our relationship.

I can only say may GOD give him the strength and willpower to do what is right and follow the 12 step program the right way.

[Recoveree]

Originally Posted by highlight

he told me not to come over his house when he is seeing these women because it makes them uncomfortable with me there. I am never in the same room and always give him his privacy when he is meeting with a sponsee and I have always encouraged him. .

That sounds fishy.

So have you been there when the femail sponsee is there??

Cant he find some other time to meet them?
Cant he find some other place to meet them??
I often meet mine at starbucks or the diner or in a group setting (several sponsees at once)
NA strongly suggests that women sponsor women.

One more thing.....personal relationships with those we love need to come before sponsoring.

Richie

[Tiro]

Originally Posted by highlight

My question is:

Is it right for a NA male sponsor to see female sponsee's in the privacy of his home - alone? He seems to be spending several nights a week - way into the late hours of the night - sometimes - midnight, meeting with these women. He meets with them on separate nights and tells me I am not allowed over because it makes these women uncomfortable when I am around. They call him all hours of the day and evening - sometimes very late. I thought there was some kind of NA rule that men should sponsor men and women should sponsor women. I guess I am feeling a little jealous but is this feeling uncalled for and is he right in this present setup? He has said there is no rule and he will contine to sponsor them wheather I am uncomfortable or not.

Thanks!

I am really sorry to hear of what you are going through.

As someone who lost my SO because of similar circumstances I know exactly what you are going through and you have every right to feel concerned.

There IS an unwritten rule in NA about men sponsoring men and women sponsoring women. The reasons are obvious.

Are there no other women in the fellowship to sponsor these women ?

Why should they feel uncomfortable when you are around? Do you bother them?

Does he get defensive if you so much as even HINT at the subject?

I do not wish to cause you any unnecessary discomfort but whether their relationship is innocent or not putting a man and woman alone together in the late hours of night talking deep emotional stuff can lead to ........well....you know.....

I too was told the same thing: "I will sponsor them whether you like it or not!"

I too have been a member of 12 Step fellowships and I know some essential facts about recovery..........REAL SERVICE WORK STARTS AT HOME.....

If your SO believes your feelings should be so easily dismissed then I am afraid he may have missed a few important lessons himself.

Perhaps a good heart to heart might help. Let him know exactly how you are feelings. Make some decisions for yourself about what is acceptable and what is not. Pray. Believe in yourself and never forget that you are worthy of truth, dignity, love and respect.

If I sound emotional about this it is because I am and have already mentioned why.

Best of luck to you always.

[Tiro]

I replied before reading any of the other posts. I was just so angry.

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Thank you all for you responses. Tiro, I appreciate your answer.

It is very difficult for me to finally realize the truth about our relationship. This his way of ending a relationship with actions rather than being a real man and telling me the truth.

He gets very defensive when I question him and plays the game of putting the blame on me and telling me that I am
just too jealous.

I have had the heat to heat talk with him and got nowhere. The decison is made and this treatment is unacceptable. I do deserve the truth, dignity, love and respect of a man that deserves a women like me.

I am sorry you had to go through this too but maybe this is GODS way of bringing us to a better place, a place where we deserve to be.

[daydream]

I don't say men with men and women with women. I say get a sponsor who is of the opposite sex that you are attracted to, IF possible, and vice versa. I've considered myself a gay female for many years and I've had both male and female sponsors. Having a female sponsor is riskier for me, because I'm more likely to develop that physical and/or emotional attraction. And I absolutely cannot ever ever ever have a gay female sponsor me because that would carry the exact same risk as a str8 male and str8 female. I've had several male sponsors over a 17 year period with only ONE problem. I thought he was the most spiritual man I'd ever known and i fell for his insides, then BOOM, relationship (he was single, but it still ruined the sponsorship). So, I've seen people have successful sponsorships that were not recommended, but some of them turn into something else. Even if they don't, it's hard to be completely real, completely honest, with the gender I'm attracted to, because there's that thing we women have...that desire to impress the gender we're attracted to, even if we aren't attracted to that particular person. But first and foremost, even if a man is extremely focused on sponsorship only...and the female is too and/or is gay...the man should be respectful of his wife's feelings. Otherwise he isn't setting a very good example of recovery anyhow....*sigh....we're complicated

[Awenasa]

I agree that it should be someone of the opposite sex. There are always exceptions. I know here where I am in NA when it first started there were men sponsering women only because there was no one else. Things have changed and it is not something we encourage at this time. We are always trying to feel that hole and if its not drugs....