Looking for answers... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

LuckyMe · 03-20-2006, 05:53 PM

I am trying to understand something that has happened to me and need help from those of you who have been there. A friend of mine (14 years) recently joined NA and began working the steps. When he began working on step 4, he started to act very angry and short-tempered with me. I had not heard from him for several days and then....I got an email telling me that he needed to put closure on our relationship. He needed to lead a more moral and spiritual life. Now, I am wondering where this came from. Is it because I am married and he was single? Can you not be friends with someone of the opposite sex when going through this? I did not contact him after receiving the email--wanted to respect his decision. But after 14 years of friendship, I feel very hurt by this turn of events. Anyone have any input for me?

Gooch · 03-20-2006, 06:02 PM

The 4th step does sometimes open a lot of old wounds.

If he is truly working the steps with a sponsor give him time. The real value of the 4th step comes after doing the 5th. I'm sure by the time he gets around to his 9th step you will hear from him again.

LuckyMe · 03-20-2006, 06:07 PM

Thank you, Gooch, for your reply. Yes, he is working with a sponsor. Is this something the sponsor suggests you do? I have never been in this situation before and really feel sad. He was a wonderful friend that I could talk to about anything. Now, there is a void. I don't know how someone can stop just-like-that and not contact you any more. I do know that he goes to two meetings a day. Don't you feel that is excessive? Please forgive me if I seem insensitive, but I really want to understand. When I asked him questions, he would tell me everything was anonymous and couldn't talk about it. I felt shut out. Now I'm really shut out! Just trying to understand how I could have been a better friend to him.

Aa_vark · 03-20-2006, 06:15 PM

I lost a friend in that way , too. We're both in recovery. I still feel a void every day. Wish i had my friend back. I know theres more to it, i know i made mistakes, too. But i miss her.

Gooch · 03-20-2006, 06:21 PM

No way to tell if this was something his sponsor suggested, or whether it's something he decided to do for himself.

Perhaps you might find some answers in the friends and families or naranon forums as they deal with sharing experience and support between the family members and friends of addicts/alkies.

03-20-2006, 05:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
LuckyMe Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: PA Posts: 2	Looking for answers... I am trying to understand something that has happened to me and need help from those of you who have been there. A friend of mine (14 years) recently joined NA and began working the steps. When he began working on step 4, he started to act very angry and short-tempered with me. I had not heard from him for several days and then....I got an email telling me that he needed to put closure on our relationship. He needed to lead a more moral and spiritual life. Now, I am wondering where this came from. Is it because I am married and he was single? Can you not be friends with someone of the opposite sex when going through this? I did not contact him after receiving the email--wanted to respect his decision. But after 14 years of friendship, I feel very hurt by this turn of events. Anyone have any input for me?

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03-20-2006, 06:02 PM	#2 (permalink)
Gooch Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: out there... Posts: 2,668	The 4th step does sometimes open a lot of old wounds. If he is truly working the steps with a sponsor give him time. The real value of the 4th step comes after doing the 5th. I'm sure by the time he gets around to his 9th step you will hear from him again.

03-20-2006, 06:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
LuckyMe Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: PA Posts: 2	Thank you, Gooch, for your reply. Yes, he is working with a sponsor. Is this something the sponsor suggests you do? I have never been in this situation before and really feel sad. He was a wonderful friend that I could talk to about anything. Now, there is a void. I don't know how someone can stop just-like-that and not contact you any more. I do know that he goes to two meetings a day. Don't you feel that is excessive? Please forgive me if I seem insensitive, but I really want to understand. When I asked him questions, he would tell me everything was anonymous and couldn't talk about it. I felt shut out. Now I'm really shut out! Just trying to understand how I could have been a better friend to him.

03-20-2006, 06:15 PM	#4 (permalink)
Aa_vark Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Specific north left Posts: 458	I lost a friend in that way , too. We're both in recovery. I still feel a void every day. Wish i had my friend back. I know theres more to it, i know i made mistakes, too. But i miss her.

03-20-2006, 06:21 PM	#5 (permalink)
Gooch Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: out there... Posts: 2,668	No way to tell if this was something his sponsor suggested, or whether it's something he decided to do for himself. Perhaps you might find some answers in the friends and families or naranon forums as they deal with sharing experience and support between the family members and friends of addicts/alkies.

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