at 148 days i still need help

[weelcharboy]

Hi im james and im an addict.

I have 148 days today and im so messed up (not on drugs) in the head that i need advice and help. In april my fince (or however you spell it) gave up on me and kicked me out. Now she keeps calling me telling me things like 'i haven't dated anyone since you left' and things that lead me to believe me to think she wants to try again. My feelings for her haven't changed but something deep down inside of me keeps telling me that im gonna get hurt all over again. And i don't know if i can handle that. My recovery is shaky at times ( when i start thinking of her) . I just dont know if my recovery (and me) can handle that again. My delimia is i still love and care for her but i just dont want to get hurt. I had to much.

A couple weeks ago i got bills forwarded to me after she told me she paid them. I checked and no she hasn't. They equal about $300. and i dont have it. Is that a sign that the lies are still there? That she hasnt changed? I dont know and part of me wants to take a chance and find out. But there is still the part of me thats saying 'dont do it, youll get hurt'.

So i need help in ansering these questions going around in my head that just wont stop. Any advice would greatly be appeciated.

And by the way i cant spell so please over look that.
Thanx,
James AKA weelcharboy

[angelgirl]

Don't they say for the first year, well you know, no huge changes in your life, only work on your recovery.. Although you did make a big change in April, it sounds like it really was for the better..
Take your time,, work on your recovery,, it is THE most important thing, without it, you can not have any real relationship, and if you have a sponsor, I would suggest you talk to him about this, I am sure he would have some real advice/views on what you should do..
Sounds like you know what you should be doing anyway, maybe just needed some comformation??

Love, Becky

[lonlion]

Hi James, I understand and can relate to your predicament. I was in a relationship for 1 year when I went into treatment. There were so many lies and things that bothered me about him, but I thought all the problems were about my addiction.

After treatment I continued with him knowing that they say not to be in a relationship in your first year, but justifying it by saying that we were already in a relationship.

This time when I saw the lies and problems, I did not have the drugs to numb myself into denial.

Long story short... I wound up relapsing and eventually broke it off with him.

James, only you know the issues you had with her before you got clean. As much as we want to love and be loved, whether we are addicts or not, we need to get real and acknowledge that maybe some people are just not healthy for us. They say we don't choose good partners when we are in active addiction. We also don't choose the best partners in early recovery either when our emotions are all over the place and we are healing. I just celebrated my 1 year clean after that relapse and spit up. I spent the first 4 months in a wheelchair because of an accident and have had physical and emotional challenges, but I did it. I have not been in a relationship, and I am sure that this has helped me heal so much.

Bottom line, take care of your recovery first and foremost. This is the most important thing in your life right now.

Hugs and healing
Diana

[Chance]

((((James))))


I am so glad that you are here at SR and I for one have missed you a lot, I don't know if I have any answers but I would say listen to your heart. I don't get into the no relationship for a year that is not in the 164 pages of the BB nor is it in the 103 of the Basic Text, we are always going to get hurt that is just part of life, it is what and how we react when we do get hurt that counts. Hope to see you at the meetings here sometimes.

Love Vic

[Gooch]

Firstly .... Narcotics Anonymous makes no specific recommendations about relationships.

There are references over and over in the Basic Text about relationships and how as using addicts we didn't even have a good one with ourselves. It goes on to say that "relationships can be a very difficult area". Treatment centers have perpetuated the suggestion of "no relationships for a year" and it's a good idea to keep the focus on our own recovery and begin to develop a relationship with ourselves based in love and self honesty. How could we be ready for a relationship with someone else when te one we have had with ourselves for so many years is based in self abuse, fear, and loathing?

In fact we had better develop a relationship with ourselves, with the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, with a sponsor and other recovering addicts.

There is nothing written in stone . I have friends who met in rehab who have been together ever since. And I know couples who hooked up in detox and both are long gone. I know other couples who have perservered through one partners struggle in and out of the program and recovery who are still doing their best to make things work.

I don't have an answer for you other than keep your focus on your own recovery, being as honest with yourself as possible, read the literature and try to apply the steps to your life. Follow your heart but let your intellect temper your emotions and you will be able to get through what comes your way.

[angelgirl]

I am very sorry, I haven't gone to NA in a while. I do attend a 12 step recovery group, and they did say the year thing, but that was some of the members speaking. I should not have spoke, when I don't know all.. Sorry,
Now, James, they have soken the truth to you.. Only you know what you should do. But Gooch is very correct when he says
the focus on our own recovery and begin to develop a relationship with ourselves based in love and self honesty. How could we be ready for a relationship with someone else when te one we have had with ourselves for so many years is based in self abuse, fear, and loathing? QUOTE
He is correct.. But it is only you that knows the relationship you have with her.
I wish you the best.. Please continue to stick around here and get some more great support. People are loved here, even when we say wrong things (blush, like me) because we have all been in each others shoes in so many ways..
Hang in there,
Love, Becky
Please do not beat up on me, I am sorry I spoke here when I should not have in this section, since I haven't attended NA in a while.

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by angelgirl

I am very sorry, I haven't gone to NA in a while. I do attend a 12 step recovery group, and they did say the year thing, but that was some of the members speaking. I should not have spoke, when I don't know all.. Sorry,
Please do not beat up on me, I am sorry I spoke here when I should not have in this section, since I haven't attended NA in a while.

Please don't take my clarification personally. You have every right to comment and speak up here. Your insight and experience are every bit as valuable as anyones

Over the years I've been attending NA I have heard a lot of things said in meetings that didn't come from the literature. Sometimes they came from people's experience and sometimes they came from treatmenet center or socio psychology or religious texts. And alot of them make good sense and are valuable insights. But i think it's important to be clear about our sources sometimes as we may do a disservice to each other by translating the program into something that it isn't.

What if I said that you should sell all your posessions and move into a tent because that worked for someone or it was a suggestion someone heard at church? Somebody sells all their stuff, lives in a tent and doesn't stay clean or fnd recovery. Then their experience might be that " I tried what NA said and it didn't work" ... It was pointed out to me a long time ago that I should always refer to the Basic Text and the other NA literature to get my guidance. When I listen to adicts sharing at metings I try to see where the way they explain how it works in their lives gives me a new spin or perspective on a step, tradition, or situation I am trying to get throiugh.

My apologies for it sounding like i was redressing you for your contribution. Please continue to share from your heart.

[tyler]

Hi James, just wanted to wish you well. I don't really have anything to contribute that hasn't already been said. Follow your heart, understanding the risk in doing that. Pain is a part of life, we spent our using days trying to kill the pain, but it is a part of life that is necessary to experience in order to fully experience life. Life has good and bad, yin and yang, so to speak. So while it is a good idea to use caution, don't be so careful that you miss out on life. Take care bro!!

[mendingheart]

James!!!
I have posted for you a couple of times, wondering how you have been since your surgeries. It is so good to see your posts!
I am sorry for the pain you must be struggling with .........feel the pain and let it go.
Keep on the right path......