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|06-29-2005, 08:48 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Is it possible?
I keep thinking about everyone who doesn't make it. In my time I have been responsible for some of those deaths/ruinious endings. I wonder if there is something tangible which separates the ones who get out from the ones who don't...Is it somehow "predestined"? I don't think I've been "clean" for more than 48hrs in the last 7 years. I'm running out of time but I keep thinking maybe its just not possible for me--never was,. never will be. If I stop now will I just be a husk--nothing to live for, nothing to give, never tasting or feeling anything again. I don't want to live like that. I'd rather be dead.
I stayed up last night reading a bunch of stuff--links some people here sent me, NA literature. i thought about things. But I wonder, if it's just stopping, getting clean, who knows then--what's the point? Just to prolong my same sorry life? To keep going because I'm too sacerd to die--even thought the life I have afterward will be nothing? No thanks. And yet I read some hope in there--something. But I can't see it really. I've heard the same promises from a lot of people--family, psychologists, doctors, lovers, friends--things will be better, if you try hard enough things will be good--you will be good, you will be able to live like everyone else, if you just try hard enough.
I've tried beyond the endurance of any sane being. And where am I? In hell. In hell still. I only know one way to make the pain stop. Aand it's killing me. And as much as I don't wnat the story to end like this, as horrible as it seems, I wonder--if some of us aren't just picked out to fail. Made for pain and nothing else. The only thing that makes me feel okay is ending my life--and it will stop soon, one way or another. But I've given it up before, and all I felt was empty. And nothing changed. And now I'm back here again at the familiar crossing of roads--walk away, put it down or die--and I'm so tired I don't know which one to choose.
But I have always been a fighter. I just don't like to fight when the odds are none. Is it possible? THat's all I'm asking. IOs it truly truly possible to climb up the walls from all the way down here, barehanded and exhausted? Is there anything at all waiting at the top--or just more games and more climbing, never enough, never enough in life in death, always too little too late? Someone tell me it ends--someday. sometime. ever. for me.
|06-29-2005, 09:02 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: New Castle,IN
WHOA. Hold on a minute there. Beleive me when i say "i know where you are coming from." Ive been there and tried death. And i'll tell ya 'IT SUCKS'. Life is so much better. You need to talk to a profesinal, and tell them how you are feeling. I will stay in contact with you. Just dont give up. Please think about what it will do to everyone who loves you, all you'll miss out on (love, laughter, kids, etc). Death or drugs are not the solution.
They say the first 30 days are the hardest, but I couldn't tell a difference between day 30 and day 31, they are all hard, but take them one day at a time.:na2 :insane
|06-29-2005, 09:39 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Blog Entries: 8
I've been where you are too. I felt that death was my only choice, my only escape. But it only seems that way from the place you are now. I was constantly high for over 16 years. My problem was I didn't even remember what it was like to not be high anymore. I could not imagine living that way it had been so long, much like where you are. It looks as though you have been a member here for quite some time, but haven't posted much. Try to reach out for some help. Do I think some people are predestined to never be able to get clean. Nope, but if you tell yourself that, it is probably how it will turn out. You have to want to be clean, to feel life, even when it sucks. Read this post http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=62649 This is a kid who has been through a he!! of alot and is staying straight. I'm not saying your life hasn't been he!! too, but look around here and you will find a thousand stories of people who's lives have been complete disaster's but somehow they have found a way. There is a way for you, but you have to belive that and you have to want it. I truly hope you find your way out of that pitch black place that you are. I know I hated it there. Life is not great for me right now, but I am clean and that is a start toward's it getting better. I wish you the best. If nothing else keep posting here, don't stop reaching out.
Peace and Love,
"I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more. I just keep tryin' to get a little better, said a little better than before."
Mr. Brownstone G-n-R
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh
|06-29-2005, 09:40 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
yep .. it's possible.
first thing I had to do was truly realize that the ride was over. drugs weren't doing what I wanted them to do anymore. Then I had to stop, step away and not pick up no matter what. I'd like to tell you that was the easy part but it wasn't. I didn't know how to cope with life with no dope in my system. I thought I was going mad a bunch of times.
little by little I felt a little better and started getting to know who the new me was. I'd like to tell you that was the easy part but it wasn't.
day by day, meeting after meeting, I kept hearing that it would get better. Eventually one day it sunk in to me that it really was better. I was feeling better again. I liked the "unloaded" version of me and I actually looked forward to getting up in the morning and see what was going to happen today.
but first I had to really be ready to give abstinance a try.
There will be some major sucky days, but teh sweet part is there are otyer people who have been through it that will be there for you to talk to and help you find your way through it.
In about 5 hrs I will be jumping on my bike to go meet a fella I met here online. He's on his way to a convention in Toronto and we're gonna take advantage of the opportunity to have coffee and breakfast and pick on each other face to face for a little while.
My day was going a little dull until I got the phone call from him.
Magda ... theres hope here. Keep reading.
oh .. and there is no easy part but it does become simple.
|06-29-2005, 09:44 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Magda, it is possible! You have the power within you to get clean, problem is 48hours doesn't allow enough clarity to do so. How brave can you be? How much courage are you willing to muster up to do this, how scared are you to do it? Your disease has brought you to the pits of dispair, it's got control of you and good, are you ready to take control? Is it easy? hell no? Is it possible? Damn straight! Please call the Salvation Army, they will help you. Man I want to see you make it because I know you can once you let go of that fear and find the courage so deeply squashed by your disease, don't let it win, find that power that's still embering away inside, it's there, I know it is!
|06-30-2005, 02:44 AM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Blog Entries: 7
Magda,I been where you are.I felt the same way.However I was wrong.Recovery is possible for anyone who wants it.Heres what I discovered.........First,I had to really want it.I had to be willing to do whatever it took.I went to meetings.I followed the suggestions of others who had gotten clean.90 meeetings in 90 days,get a sponsor,work the steps.After being in and out several times,I realized until I completly surrendered to God and my recovery nothing would change.Today,I am clean.I do this one day at a time.I am still cleaning up a lot of wreckage from my past.But,I can assure you my life is much better today.I wouldnt trade it for anything.I see you have been a member of this board for over 2 years.Hopefully we will see more of your posts.I know this place has done a lot for me.Try and get to some meetings and find a sponsor.And dont be a stranger around here.
The best way to make a dream come true is to wake up"
|06-30-2005, 04:20 AM||#7 (permalink)|
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
It is absolutely Possible!! It may not seem like it is right now, If you are like me you are looking in the wrong places. I found my way out in Narcotics Anonymous, and have found my life without the use of drugs to be beyond my wildest dreams. Somedays are Great, some are event better, some days don't match up to my liken, but I have learned a New Way to live and I look forward to each day I wake up.
The only way from my experience to get clean is to do it anyway you can!
Detox, Salvation Army, Rescue Mission, ect..... Once the drug goes everything and anything is possible, I remember the HELL I came from like it was 10 minutes ago, and have found a way out of that Dark spot of Hopelessness, Dispair and loneliness. I am puting a web site on here for you. click on meetings and put in your information and it will give you meetings in your area. Give it a try, what have you cot to lose. I didn't have much to lose when I got clean, I was at the end of my road.
We get relief through the Twelve Steps which are essential to the recovery process, because they are a new, spiritual way of life that allows us to participate in our own recovery.
We Do Recover
|06-30-2005, 04:24 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2005
Location: worcester ma.
i believe there are no answers to your questions magda.,,yet i am a firm believer in ,,,one day,,,in reference to as you put it////////I keep thinking about everyone who doesn't make it.//////////////,,i remember the obsession like it was yesterday,,the grip that the drug had on me was strong,,some how some where i was granted the gift of desperation,i hit my knees,,i cryed and begged the lord to help me,,every day,,everyday,,everyday,,till one day some time later i noticed that i wasent talking to the lord while on my knees,,i was talking to him when i was in the shower,in my car,,at work,,etc,,i had stopped crying when i prayed,,then one day i started to pray for my friends that were still useing,,people at meetings that were chronic relapsers as i once was,,and i started to cry again,,the gift of desperation that i once had had returned,,only it wasent for me it was for my fellows,,please lord help mark,jim,paul,cindy,joe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i do not know magna for fact if there is a ,,,lord/god,,,,,,,yet i do know for the majority of us that are clean/sober today that the lord/god was and is the key,,that opens the door to one day,,i hope that you find the gift of desperation,,here is what i say to my higher power,,hopefuly you take the time and write it down,,
DEAR LORD JUST FOR TODAY KEEP ME FROM_________________,,FOR I AM POWERLESS WITHOUT YOU,,JUST FOR TODAY GIVE ME A DESIRE TO STAY_____________FREE,,,,,FOR I AM POWERLESS WITHOUT YOU ,,JUST FOR TODAY LORD REMOVE THE MENTAL AND PHYISICAL OBSESSION THAT I HAVE FOR_______________FOR I AM POWERLESS WITHOUT YOU,,GIVE ME ACCEPTANCE,,LET NOT MY THOUGHTS DESTROY MY PIECE OF MIND,,HELP ALL THE SICK AND SUFFERING FIND YOU,,AND DEAR LORD THANK YOU LORD THANK YOU LORD FOR EVERYTHING,,,
|06-30-2005, 08:44 AM||#10 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Albuquerque, NM
wow. i don't know if i've heard so many nice things directed my way in memory. you guys made me cry. thanks. thanks. what can i say? i'll think about it? i'll try something...i'll put my stuff n order to go do something about this? we'll see. hopefully this good feeling stays long enought to get me somewhere.
|06-30-2005, 08:52 AM||#11 (permalink)|
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
It is our disease that tells us that we are different that 'they' can make it but we can't. You are no different than me or anyone else here who is making, just for today.
You said you are a fighter, that you keep trying. What about surrendering, have you done that yet? have you admited that you are powerless over your addiction that you cannot do it alone? You dont have to believe in God, but IMO you do have to believe in something other than yourself. I for one could not do it alone. I had to ask for help for my HP and from others in recovery who came before me.
You are no differnent than I am, don't listen to your disease tell you that you are. I was right where you are now, I wanted to die but was to scared to kill myself, use that fear as motivation.
We are here, doing what you are doing, staying clean one day at a time.
I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06
The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR
|07-01-2005, 09:09 AM||#12 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: a spiritual vortex, Colorado
mackat, addict here
i too never believed that living clean could possibly fill the void. long time back i posted that in many ways, using was a rational response to an irrational world. what i should have added was that using is also just sleepwalking.
i been clean [and awake] for over 9 yrs. the 'before and after' is simply amazing.
everything from finally writing the novel i was always "gonna" write , to getting back in a kayak, to restoring my son and i's relationship to just being truly ok with who, what and where i am.... all were gifts i believe i could only have gotten after i cleaned up...
the creativity [which i believe is like my "god-link"] was always in me. but my using kept me from ever realizing it. now i can finally act on all those creative expressions in every facet of my life.
you can too
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