Questions regarding the recovery process

[Anxious]

**I have posted this in another area as well. I really am looking to get as much input as possible. I'm really confused about some areas of my husband's addiction.........**

Hi. My name is Dawn. My husband is an addict, and his DOC is cocaine. He put himself through re-hab about 3 years ago (right before we met). Actually, we started dating shortly after he was out of rehab. We have been married 3 years and I found out he has been "periodically" using for most of our marriage with people that I know and trust (my brother being one of them). Anyway, when I found out, I left him. My initial reaction was divorce. However, I did find this site and have since learned a great deal about the disease of addiction. (I am very naive when it comes to this area). I am a teacher, so research is my thing...and it has helped so much. My AH found an old friend who has been clean for 2 years and this friend was immediately willing to help him. He attended his first meeting last Sunday and has attended a different meeting every night since then. I have seen him a couple of times (we have a 2 year old daughter and I want her to see her daddy as much as possible). He wants me to attend an "open" meeting with him this weekend. I am nervous and don't know if I should or not. I wonder if he is sincere in wanting to sober up or if this is just a dog and pony show to try to get me back. I have made a decision to NOT MAKE A DECISION for 6 months. I am fortunate to have very supportive parents, who have taken my daughter and I in until I make a final decision. I guess my question is for anyone who has overcome addiction or who is trying to do so. Is it even possible for someone who is strongly addicted to cocaine (or anything for that matter) to STAY sober??? ...and what does it take? How can I be as supportive as possible with his intentions to clean up without enabling him? I want him to know that I still love and care for him, but I do NOT want him to think that everything is "fine", when it clearly isn't. I have experienced a lot of anger and hurt, but now, I mostly just feel sad for him and his problem. I cannot stay married to someone when I can't trust their words.....is it ever possible to trust the word of someone who has lied so much to cover up an addiciton?
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[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by Anxious

Is it even possible for someone who is strongly addicted to cocaine (or anything for that matter) to STAY sober??? ...and what does it take? How can I be as supportive as possible with his intentions to clean up without enabling him?

Of course its possible.Im doing it.However,I dont know how you can help.This is something he will have to do on his on.I suggest you take care of yourself.Maybe you can try going to some Nar-Anon meetings.And if he wants you to come along to an open meeting,why not?

[michski]

I am clean from cocaine for 4 years and 3 years from alcohol. I also went to a rehab and then relapsed. I relapsed quite a bit before my husband finally told me he was leaving me and I knew that this time he was serious. He saved my life by being firm. He went to Alanon and I went to AA meetings. Sometimes we went together to both meetings. The program changed our life, We stayed together and both of us doing our own programs, to the best of our abilities, really brought the two of us closer and gave us a more honest relationship. I wish the same for you!

[Dawn10]

Hi Dawn,
I am also Dawn, a recovering addict, DOC opiates.
Yes, it is possible to remain clean and sober, I have for 6 1/2 years.
But.....and a big but is that there is nothing you can do to keep your husband that way. He has to do it all. He has to work the program, therapy, meetings, work with a sponsor and all that. You can pray for him, you can encourage him, but ultimately it is his addiction and his responsibility.
You have a child to think about. Only you know the answer to the question, "should I go back and give it a try again?" You know him and you know you.
Try attending Naranon--there you will find a lot of support and strength from others who know exactly what you are going through. And keep posting and reading on this site. There are alot of really wonderful, caring smart people here too!
Take your time. Don't rush into a decsion.

[dabs]

Hi Dawn, I too found out that my AH was using. I was very angry and hurt at first but since have done a lot of research on Addiction. I did not see it as a disease, just AH wanting to escape from our family and normal issues. Someone suggested a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I also found one called "Of Course You're Angry" by Gayle Rosellini. The last book REALLY helped me out. Understanding the disease will help you save your marriage if that is the only issue. Addiction is something that will always be there but can be controlled by attending NA.
Prayers are with you.
dabs

[Anxious]

In order to remain sober, will he always need to attend NA/AA meetings? Maybe that is why he relapsed..........he stopped attending meetings once he left rehab, and he continued to drink alcohol on a fairly regular basis and hang out with "old buddies".

[Dawn10]

You asked if he "will always have to attend meetings?"
In my opinion in some shape or form he should be in a recovery mode. Be it meetings, or therapy sessions, journaling, yes. For me, that is how my recovery finally has taken hold. I was addicted for over 10 years and believe me, I wanted to stop. I stopped many, many times ony to relapse. Why? In my opinon it was because my addict brain kept telling me that I could do it all by myself and not "embarrass" me or my family in the process. Hah! One of the definitions of insanity in the recovery community is doing the same thing over and over again, the same way and expecting a different outcome. I ws, in that respect, quite insane.
I look at it this way now. If I had a chronic illness, such as diabetes, I wouldn't just take the medication and follow the perscribed diet until I felt better, I would have to make a lifestyle change and do the work to stay healthy. That means, medication, diet, exercise and all that goes with it. It is the same for a recovering addict. We have a disease and to first step in treating any illness is learning all you can about it. One of the great things my therapist had me do was read all about my disease, look at videos and learn about it. It made it less scary for me.

[michski]

Your husband "switched seats on The Titanic" Going from cocaine to booze will always lead you back to cocaine or at the least turn you into a very sloppy drunk. I remember how wasted I got when I just drank and didn't do any lines.. I became a fall down drunk with another empty bottle beside my bed.

[lightseeker]

Dawn,

Welcome to SR and a new group of friends! The suggestions to read Melody Beattie are good ones. I have an ABF (cocaine is DOC) is has now not used for two months. I am taking it day by day. As in, today - we are still together. If he chooses to use again then I will move on. He has been in and out of rehabs but only this time has he quit drinking as well. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. It's a great idea to give yourself 6 months to sort it all out and see exactly what his choices are. You have a precious little girl to think about! Join us over on the Naranon board as well. It really helps to get all sides of the coin. See if you can find an Alanon or Naranon meeting in your town.....hang in there girl!

[Anxious]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It helps to get educated!

[BRUCE]

hopefuly one day he receives the gift of desperation,,and only then does he have a shot at stayin clean a day at a time,,if and when he receives this gift nobody, not even he will know,,i was a chronic relapser from 1978 to 1986,it wasent till i received the gift of desperation did i stay clean/sober,,what is the gift of desperation you ask?for me it was falling to my knees and crying my eyes out at the same time begging the lord to help me,,please lord help me,at the same time it was meeting after meeting,,i am crying now telling you this,the spiritual experiance that i had is very heart felt even today,any ways,in my area worcester mass.at the time there were morning ,noon, early pm.late pm meetings,,aa and na,,there allso was a midnight meeting,,there were some days i touched on 6 meetings,,an average of 3 to 4 meetings a day,,that in itself was included in the gift of desperation,,i heard it said,,am i willing to go to any lengths to stay clean/sober?they suggested things,,simple things like ,,put you keys under the bed at night,,so in the morning befor you leave youll get on your knees,,



huggs bruce