My friend and his ulcer

[Blake]

Hello peeps,

I have a friend of mine that got clean about a week after I did named matt. He had a tumor removed from his stomach last year that left his stomach the size of a dixie cup and covered with ulcers. For the last few weeks, he has been complaining about it hurting and yesterday he ended up in the emergency room b/c he was throwing up blood. They gave him 3 shots of demerol. He told them that he was in recovery and they still gave it to him. He was freaked out last night wondering if he had relapsed and we told him that he did what he could and the Dr. still thought it was in the best medical interest to hit him up with the demerol, so it wasn't a relapse. Sometimes narcotics are medically necessary.

Whe he got home last night he told another friend of mine in recovery that is staying at his house that his head was all ****** up about it and he wanted to just kill himself. Today he had to go back to the hospital to have his stomach scoped and they hit him with verset and demerol again. I talked to him after the procedure and he sounded really depressed. His ulcer has gotten too big and now he has to have surgery again or he might die.

I think he is in a really bad place right now. I couldn't fathom having to deal with that kinda news while being loaded and still staying clean through it. He's gonna have to have pain medicine again next week when he has his surgery, right now if I had to face that, I'd be loaded till then, no if's and's or but's. My recovery isn't strong enough for me to be able to deal with something like that right now. I'm really worried about this dude, can yall please pray for him for me?

[Gooch]

prayers up Blake.


Couple times now the good doctors or nurses have made decisions to "hit me" when I have had no say in thematter or even when I just got done explaining to them i'm in recovery and wanted to negotiate all pain meds ahead of time.

Messsed with my head pretty bad. They sent me home with prescriptions and in as much as I would have loved to tough it out, I know my physical limits to pain are not as great as my fantasy of being some kind of superhero recovering addict would like to think.

Thank God for all the wonderful supportive members in my circle. ( Yup that includes SR members )

You just showed me the program in action man. Caring and being supportive of your friend and asking for help keeping him connected to that source of strength and courage.

Thanks Blake.

[Blake]

Thanks Gooch,

He called me b/c I'm about to get off work and I'm gonna go pick him up and were gonna go chill with some other recovering addict at the coffee shop till the meeting tonight........Kinda supprised me, If I was in his shoes, I probably would get on my pitty pot and not want to leave the house.

Thanks again,
-Blake

[FaeryQueen]

right now if I had to face that, I'd be loaded till then, no if's and's or but's. My recovery isn't strong enough for me to be able to deal with something like that right now.

Blake,
I sorta feel the same way. I mean geez. That has to be so hard. The searing, burning pain of an ulcer...SUCKS...then abdominal surgery too...yikes.

It sounds hopeless, but I have seen people go thru worse and stay sober and be even stronger afterwards.

I will definitely say a heartfelt prayer for your bud.

Tanya

[namommy]

You would be surprised at what we can get through in recovery. You have a reservation my friend. One that you really need to get rid of. You never know when your health may just come up and bite you. Now you know, by watching your friends example that you can do this too. and, that you have a friend with experience to help you do it.

Meanwhile, keep being his friend and being there to support him through this. I will keep you both in my prayers tonite.

[Blake]

I think my friend is ******* up.

He finally told me that they gave him some pain pills friday. He told me that they gave him darvocet, I found out though that they gave him lortab. It isn't that big of a differance, but it was still a lie. I know that he is in pain and sometimes pain meds are necessary, but why lie? Scratch a lie, find a thief. Also he claimed he hadn't taken any pain meds yesterday and he was clearly loaded...I don't think it's possible to get loaded off of 1 lortab, not for someone that was on a 200mg dose of methadone.

Another thing that happened this weekend, he bought coffee for us on his mom's credit card before a meeting and he told us that he needed the money back as soon as the meeting was over b/c he had to give it back to his mom. We told him no problem and went to the atm and got him his money...he never gave it to his mom. Another small lie.

Yesterday we all were chilling at my house before the meeting and he said he was going to go play video games at the mall. He has been isolating all weekend like this and he has been talking to what I call no-no people. You know, people you used to use with or bought dope from, no-no people.

I talked about all this with my sponsor and he told me to keep my gaurd up. He told me that if matt is lieing about all this little ****, he may be covering up something bigger, and that is what it sounds like. He also told me that matt's recovery isn't my responsibility and if he is getting loaded again, he'll get me loaded before I "save" him.


Namommy:

You caught me. When I went over my first step with my sponsor, my one reservation came up, disease and illness...especially terminal illness. That is just where I am right now. I just don't see how I could stay clean if the doctor told me I was going to die in a month. For me NA is a way to show me how to live, if I'm not gonna live, what's the point?

Any advice how to get rid of this thinking? I know reservations are reservations, and I need to be rid of all of them, but this one makes sense to me. Kinda like a "justified" resentment.

[Paulie]

matt's recovery isn't my responsibility and if he is getting loaded again, he'll get me loaded before I "save" him.

You have a smart sponsor!

"justified" resentment

Oh that is an addict line I have used that one myself a few times.

We can 'what if' ourselves nuts or worse, right back out to use again. Stay in today. You have NO idea what the future holds for you. And if next year you find our you have an illness, you have no idea where you will be in your recovery.

I have a sister in remission from cancer for I don't know the 3rd or 4th time (I ws using the first few times). I used to say if I was in her position I would just curl up and let myself die, I would not be strong enough to go through all she has. but the longer I am blessed to stay clean the more I understand that is not true. Keep working yoru program, keep working on developing that relationship with an HP. Cause I can promise you one thing, a month left to live, or 50 years left to live, your HP doesn't want you to just give up.

I will pray for Matt.

[Blake]

Thanks Paulie,

I really wish I had a magic wand to wave over this dude, but I don't and I probably would have waved it over myself a long time ago and not even be in the situation I'm in to begin with.

My sponsor told me I can put any adjective I wanted in front of my resentments: justified, rational, plausible, righteous, ect... and I still have a resentment. I guess I need to take this attitude with my reservation. I don't have to worry about having to deal with any life-threatening illnesses today so I shouldn't get the what ifs about it.

[In memory of miracle]

Blake, I have a friend who I thought was in recovery.He has been lying to me for a month.I figure it's his problem.I sure enough lied when I was out there. I cant expect him to act any different. The point being I have kept my recovery and this poor soul just got out of detox. Bless your friend,he is suffering.

[Blake]

Well matt is now in the hospital and I'm riding up there to go see him. He has to have surgery tomorrow morning. It sucks ass.

Please keep praying for him.


p.s.-Hspitals make my skin crawl....

[In memory of miracle]

Prayers...

[Blake]

Thanks.

[Blake]

Yikes.....

That sums up my trip to the hospital to see matt last night.

He originally didn't want to take any pain meds for his ulcer, but then they hit him with demerol and it is one of those one is too many things. He was admitted yesterday with the orders for demerol every 4 hours and by the time I got there he had talked his way into demerol every hour on the hour around the clock. He is acting like an addict again, lying, stealing, manipulating, working the nurses, etc...

I did something stupid and I regret it. He told me that they wanted to give him a morphine button but he said no b/c morphine was one of his DOC. and stupid me blurts out, "**** it dude, if you're already on demerol and are in pain, why not switch to morphine and not feel anything? If I was in your shoes, I'd be loaded till I got out." I am a ******* dickhead *******. That crap just came out from my mouth un buffered by my brain and I got some harsh looks from the people that went with me. I said, "****, my bad, I didn't mean that, sorry it was just the addict in me talking, sorry sorry sorry."

I feel like such an *******!!!!!!

Anyway, his surgery is going on as we speak and I'm gonna go up there to asee him after work again. Hopefully I can be more supportive this time.