First post in this forum.....

[LettingGo]

Ive been around SR for a long time but have never really put myself into the NA category. "Im different" of course. But recently have had a vehicle accident to my luck my kids weren't in the car and it was minimal damage but it is because I was high as a kite on valium. That is really difficult to write for some reason. I know that before my problem or doc was Xanax so I have stayed away from this. But I keep going back to "something". Either alchohol, painers, whatever cures the ache and lonley that I feel inside. I am spiritually dead right now I feel and at my witts end. I feel like financially I am sinking (this part is true) but I am trying to save my credit (not gonna happen). My home feels in disarray (sp?) I cannot make myself get up sometimes and do the simplest things like get kids' school clothes put out the night before so we dont go thru chaos in the morning. Or, laundry, or whatever. I feel more productive at work with something in me. I know this is my disease talking. I guess I am just realizing that I am a drug addict and my whole darn life in unmanageable because of it. I dumped a bottle (nearly full I might add) of valium out on the highway after another incident happened I am too ashamed to even admit online. I went home and threw everything that added up to me changing how I feel inside into the toilet and flushed. God its a wonder we didn't have a back up In any case, I feel like a piece of junk right now and on top of it personal life issues still go on and happen along the way so I have some clean up on the relationships side of things with men and mixed feelings there too. All in all I am a mess today. But I am clean today and God willing the rest of the day. I am a single mother of 4 kids so 90 meetings in 90 days is nearly impossible. Any suggestions on that would be great. Thanks.

[abtchonamission]

((((((((LettingGo)))))))))

Don't beat yourself up...just take the next step that is right for you.

[drsjlm2124]

hang in there, everything will fall in place when it should. congrats on throwing everything out i dont know if i would have been able to do it, if it was in my hands i would have taken it. im in the same boat as you in a sense. ive been clean now for 6 days thank god! i have 2 kids and at times i feel the same way about making my butt get up and clean house or wash clothes. but i make myself and if i didnt make myself id be in bed all the time. try what ever you can do to keep your mind off it even if its for a few minutes. my kids are 7 and 3 and while i was on drugs i didnt do much with them, i took care of them and that was it. now i make myself get up and go out and play with them, i sit with them while they're eating, hell i even help them trash the house! dont beat yourself up about any of this, stay strong, and get help. you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anybody else!

[Paulie]

I am spiritually dead right now I feel and at my witts end.

So, you can only go up from here . Big hugs to you for the making the decision to get sober.

Okay so you can't do 90 in 90 that is okay. But you can go to meetings maybe a few times a week. Make yourself go, it will help I promise. Start working a program and your spirit will come alive again. I know what I am talking about. That sentence above where you say that you are spiritually dead..I was there myself, I understand completey.

You have come to the right place, you can do this. We are all doing together, staying sober just one day at a time.

[lonlion]

Hi Jamie; I understand how you feel, and can relate to all you have said. I was a single mother with 4 kids too. Fortunately they have grown into wonderful young women now. I know how you feel about getting up in the morning and lacking motivation. When each day seems to blend in with the next with no changes.

When you start accumulating more clean time, your life will improve. It does take time, but the efforts are well worth it. I want to send prayers your way, as well as a big hug.

Hang in there, and please feel free to share with us any time you want. We are here for you.

Love and hugs
Diana

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by LettingGo

Ive been around SR for a long time but have never really put myself into the NA category. "Im different" of course. But recently have had a vehicle accident to my luck my kids weren't in the car and it was minimal damage but it is because I was high as a kite on valium. That is really difficult to write for some reason. I know that before my problem or doc was Xanax so I have stayed away from this. But I keep going back to "something". Either alchohol, painers, whatever cures the ache and lonley that I feel inside. I am spiritually dead right now I feel and at my witts end. I feel like financially I am sinking (this part is true) but I am trying to save my credit (not gonna happen). My home feels in disarray (sp?) I cannot make myself get up sometimes and do the simplest things like get kids' school clothes put out the night before so we dont go thru chaos in the morning. Or, laundry, or whatever. I feel more productive at work with something in me. I know this is my disease talking. I guess I am just realizing that I am a drug addict and my whole darn life in unmanageable because of it. I dumped a bottle (nearly full I might add) of valium out on the highway after another incident happened I am too ashamed to even admit online. I went home and threw everything that added up to me changing how I feel inside into the toilet and flushed. God its a wonder we didn't have a back up In any case, I feel like a piece of junk right now and on top of it personal life issues still go on and happen along the way so I have some clean up on the relationships side of things with men and mixed feelings there too. All in all I am a mess today. But I am clean today and God willing the rest of the day. I am a single mother of 4 kids so 90 meetings in 90 days is nearly impossible. Any suggestions on that would be great. Thanks.

Jamie-ONE day is the start of two etc...you know that. You sound depressed, are you on meds? I am wondering because you sound so hopeless and lonely, like I did berore I was put on WELLBUTRIN. It is a wonder drug and with therapy, It worked for me. I know that your life is unmanagable ruight now, can you take ONE thing and try and fix it? JUST ONE? I will say a prayer for you. STAY OFF the valium, etc. That will not help. The empty feeling is coming form someplace and you NEED to find out where that place is....Blessings, Kahlia

[LettingGo]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know the things I need to do as well as how great the program is and how much better sobriety will be. It is just the here and now that sucks! I guess that is the case so often, that is why I will take valium or whatever. As to your question about being on meds they had me on Zoloft but I never take them. I have a dr. who has prescribed me something that is an older medicine for anxiety but not addictive and he said Id win a nobel prize if I got hooked on it. I would rather just live and not take Zoloft or anything. I don't know if I am depressed. I avoid bills like the plague, I will just avoid anything at times and leave it be. I find that I go thru relationships like nobody's business. I will really like someone and I swear I have a 2 week limit then they are outta there. I know also you are not suggested to date for the first year of recovery. I haven't been recovering obviously. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

[namommy]

Jamie,

I know how you feel and I know where you are (spiritually and emotionally).

When I got clean, I was a single mom with 3 kids. That didn't stop me. I made 120 meetings in 90 days. I packed up a blanket and a bag of toys, and set the kids up in the corner of the room. I threatened their little lives if they disrupted the meeting. lol

Once you start going to meetings, people will offer to help you with your kids. We understand that single moms need to get clean and recover too.

As far as meds, you are in the beginning stages of recovery. Life is going to be up and down for a while. IF you feel you can't handle it, go to a doctor, be honest with him/her about your addiction, and let the one with the medical liscense decide your treatment. Make sure you stress NON-narcotic, NON-addictive.

I will keep you in my prayers.

[LettingGo]

NA mommy thanks. No excuses..... right? I am wondering on the rules, are kids supposed to be at a closed meeting?

[FaeryQueen]

I cannot make myself get up sometimes and do the simplest things like get kids' school clothes put out the night before so we dont go thru chaos in the morning. Or, laundry, or whatever.

That hits VERY close to home with me. I felt sooo bad about not being able to do all those simple little things. I was in the grips of anxiety, fear, and soul deadening depression 7 months ago. My life has completely changed thanks to working the steps with a sponsor.
You can always supplement meetings by reading 12 step literature(Big Book, 12 and 12, As Bill Sees It), visit with a sponsor or other women in recovery at your home, PRAY, talk on the phone to other recovering addicts, keep posting on SR. Any of these actions are better than nothing...and all of them will help heal the hole in your soul.
Two of the 12 step groups in my hometown have babysitting. Call and ask your local AA or NA Intergroup.
I am sending love your way.

Hugs
Tanya

[mackat]

heh LG- i took my kid to many meetings- found a network there where we either tag teamed our respective kids or made sure of a sitter-

when i got clean i had myriad financial problems as well as law, health, relationship etc. it is waaaay different today; NA/AA let me discover a new way to live...

you are not alone

hugs
mackat

[namommy]

Originally Posted by LettingGo

NA mommy thanks. No excuses..... right? I am wondering on the rules, are kids supposed to be at a closed meeting?

I guess, I don't think anyone would even consider trying to stop me from going to a meeting of any kind. If I had to bring my kids, then I brought my kids.

Add Philly accent here "Yo, you gotta problem wid dat!"

[LettingGo]

LOL, that is funny. I would never say anything to anyone that brought theirs but it seemed I read somewhere or heard that they couldn't come to a closed meeting. Oh well, I guess I could or rather I WILL do that before using. Thank you. Today is tough but I am sure that it will pass.

[Paulie]

I have never witnessed anyone in my fellowship ever turning anyone away from a meeting just becasue they brought their kids. And if I ever saw that...it would not be pretty. I sat in many of meetings listening to kids laugh or even cry and fight but I know that the parent/parents need to be there just as much as I do. They earned their seat just like I did. Take your kids, put your recovery first.

[LettingGo]

Thanks Paulie, I will. This time god willing I will do anything to maintain recovery.

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by LettingGo

Thanks Paulie, I will. This time god willing I will do anything to maintain recovery.

He is always willing for us to be sober...it is 'us' that are the unwilling ones

You can do this, I know you can